I Can’t Wait To See My Old Flame…And Then Piss It Out

A friendly chap by the name of Michael Allen Haag seems to have had himself quite the time during a recent plane ride from Denver to Charleston, according to reports. The people around him? Probably not so much.

Witnesses gave an FBI agent these accounts of a harrowing flight from Denver on Thursday night, according to an arrest affidavit:
During the first two rounds of drink orders, Haag bought double shots of vodka and tonic.
At some point, he turned to a woman sitting next to him and described being “physically excited” to visit an old girlfriend in Charleston. The passenger threw on some headphones and tried to sleep.

But as Haag asked the woman about her relationship with her husband and looked at her legs, she later told the FBI, she grew “more and more uncomfortable.”
Haag then turned to another woman, who was asleep when she felt Haag touching her fingers. She lifted her head from her tray and found Haag looking away, “very agitated and shuffling things.”
He touched her leg, she later said.
“Stop touching me,” she yelled, as Haag leaned toward her and apologized. “Back off.”
After she said Haag touched her leg again, the woman stood and yelled for a flight attendant. 
The flight crew ushered Haag to the back row of the plane, where another woman reported seeing him urinate on the seat in front of him.
The woman snapped a picture, then screamed.

This, I do believe, would be the photo in question. You’re welcome, and I’m sorry.

Haag faces a charge of indecent exposure that could carry with it a sentence of 90 days should he be convicted, but that’s the least of his worries. He was also hit with a felony count for interfering with a flight crew. That one could net him up to 20 years.

I hope that was some good vodka, my man.

Another Guy Who Can’t Keep His Hands In The To Himself Position

It’s been a little while since we’ve had to talk about it which is nice, but unfortunately there are still folks trying to be much too nice to their seatmates on airplanes, which is not nice at all. Seriously fellas, let’s cut that shit out.

According to the FBI, the 22-year-old victim was traveling Wednesday morning on a Spirit Airlines flight when she dozed off in her window seat. “She woke up to a hand in her pants and noticed that her pants and shirt were unbuttoned,” reported Agent Kyle Dodge.
The woman, Dodge reported, said that the male passenger next to her “was shoving his fingers inside her vagina and vigorously moving them. When she fully woke up, the man stopped.”
The victim immediately reported the attack to flight attendants, who later told federal agents that she was “visibly upset and was crying.”

During the traditional post-landing chat, 34-year-old Prabhu Ramamoorthy told police everything from I didn’t do anything to maybe I undid her bra while I was playing with it to yeah, I suppose I did cup a boob in my hand but it was over the clothes I swear to yes I unzipped her pants so I could stick a finger or two in there, but none of ’em made it in, honest.

Unmoved, police charged him with aggravated sexual abuse, an offense which should but doesn’t carry a sentence of quarter past forever if convicted.

The Fondling Is A Value-Added Service, But If You Don’t Want It You Can Squish Your Ass In Here

You have a problem with guys boarding airplanes and forgetting the old preschool lesson about keeping their hands to themselves. Do you:
A: Ignore it and hope it goes away because how bad can it be, really? The media often overblows things.
B: Remind everyone over the loudspeaker during the announcements that it’s not ok to be a gropey piece of shit?
C: Make a small, women who don’t want to be touched only section in the cheap seats so that the real problem doesn’t have to change its behaviour?

Following several instances of reported harassment on their flights, Air India is implementing a plan to mark two rows on every flight as “women only.”
The Hindu reports that there will be no additional fee for booking one of the special seats set aside for female passengers, though there aren’t very many:
“We will be reserving the third row — six seats — in the economy class of the aircraft for female passengers travelling alone,” said Air India general manager-revenue management Meenakshi Malik. “We feel, as national carriers, it is our responsibility to enhance comfort level to female passengers. There are a lot of female passengers who travel alone with us and we will be blocking a few seats for them.”

Why Grope Someone In Their Seat When There’s A Perfectly Good Bathroom Up Here

I should have made a category for this while I was busy making new categories a while back. It totally needs one.

The suspect, 29-year-old Michael Tanouye, was traveling with his mother from Honolulu to Kansai in Japan when he allegedly followed the woman and forced his way into the bathroom.
He then tried to take the Japanese passenger’s clothes off, before exposing himself, it is said. While struggling with Tanouye, the unnamed woman managed to push an emergency button.
However, she remained trapped with him for a few minutes as the flight crew, other passengers and her panicked mother tried to open the bathroom door, which the suspect was allegedly blocking.

It took literally unscrewing the hinges to finally get it open, free the woman and get control of Tanouye. When that was done, his mother gave him a dose of some sort of medication he takes, which caused him to fall asleep.

The plane made the 2 hour trip back to Honolulu, where Tanouye was taken into custody and charged with aggravated sexual assault and interfering with a flight crew.

Can I Get You A Pillow? Only If You’ll Lay On It With Me

More times than you’d like to think, we’ve covered in flight molestations involving some creep and the random, short straw drawing woman who was probably just in the wrong place at the wrong time. But as best I can tell, this right here will be the first time a passenger decided that not only was he going to roam the aircraft for a victim or two, but that they were both going to be flight attendants.

According to an FBI affidavit, on the Oct. 27 flight, two flight attendants say they were attacked by the same passenger, a 42-year-old Ukrainian man seated in first class.
The first attendant, who says she served two drinks to the passenger, told the FBI that the man confronted her in the forward galley and “stood behind her, making full body contact with her.”
He then, according to the affidavit, “put his lips on her neck and later touched her back and then moved his hand to her buttocks.”
He later sat down in the seat next to her, and allegedly “put his hand on her thigh, and then started to move his hand up and under her dress,” in spite of the attendant’s repeated directions to stop touching her. She estimates that the passenger touched her body somewhere between seven to ten times.
“She described his touch as ‘squeeze and hold’ and stated he used his strength to intimidate her,” reds the affidavit.

forward galley, indeed.

Understandably, the woman was unable to continue doing her job following the incident, so a replacement was brought in. Unfortunately she wasn’t just a replacement for the flight crew, but also for our friend here.

That’s when the passenger allegedly told this second attendant that “he liked her and made a hand gesture like he wanted to have sex with her. This gesture involved him pointing to her, pointing to himself, and slamming his closed fist sideways into his open hand as if to ‘slam her.’”
The attendant says the passenger touched her on her lower back and then dropped his hand to her buttocks.
And if that weren’t enough, both the second attendant and a witness told the FBI that the passenger later placed this attendant in a headlock while pulling him toward her and trying to kiss her.
“She described his touching as predatory and stated she thought he would have raped her,” reads the affidavit.

The passenger, who’s name was not released, was arrested when the plane landed and charged with Interference with Flight Crew Members, which sounds like some awfully mild language. Where’s all the sexual assault and aggravated rapiness, guys?

Let’s Go To The Interview Room

I saw this story a while back, and I actually squirmed and squished my legs together. Uuug. What’s with people feeling up people on planes? All I know is Pratik Doshi is one creepy man. I don’t think I could make that up if I tried. And has he done that before? And did it work?

And not that it makes it any better or worse, but what’s with people groping people and they’re not even the only ones in the row? There’s our latest addition, then there’s this guy, who touched both his seat-mates, and finally, there’s this dude who thought he’d show his son how it’s done. Just wow. Hope I don’t have to fly anytime soon.

Not The Kind Of 2 For 1 Flight Deal Anyone Would Want

It’s thankfully been a while since we’ve brought word of any in-flight gropings. So since this is the human race, you know what that means. Two for one time! Ug.

First up you might say is Eun-jong Lee, a 47-year-old professor.

According to a criminal complaint sworn by FBI Agent Mary Anne Flippo, Lee and the woman were seated next to each other on Flight 78. The woman, who was traveling alone, told agents she did not know Lee.

During the 13-hour flight, the woman nodded off, Flippo reported. She later awoke to find one of Lee’s hands “located on top of her shirt and touching her breast through her clothing.” Lee then allegedly “touched the skin of the Victim’s neck and attempted to place his hand down the front of her shirt.”

When the woman told Lee to stop touching her, he got up and walked to a restroom at the far end of the aircraft. The victim reported the incident to flight crew members, to whom she also provided a written statement.

When questioned, Lee is said to have confessed to “among other things, touching the Victim in her breast region with his hand.” Please tell me that quote is from the police report and not a line he uses on all the girls.

And I know things mean different things in different languages and some of you might call me insensitive, but it’s worth noting that Lee is a professor at Handong Global University. Seems oddly appropriate given the circumstances.

He faces a felony charge of abusive sexual contact, which carries with it a maximum sentence of 2 years and up to $250,000 in fines.

And then there’s this fine fellow, who didn’t even have the common decency to pervert all over somebody of age.

The creepy incident occurred Thursday afternoon on a US Airways flight from Charlotte, North Carolina, according to a federal criminal complaint accusing Bed Prakash of assaulting the juvenile victim, who was traveling alone.

The teenager told FBI Agent Bianca Betz that Prakash was seated next to her in row 12. Halfway through the trip, the girl recalled, Prakash briefly placed his hand on her outer thigh. He then “lightly touched the breast of the juvenile female on two occasions,” Betz charged.

Prakash subsequently returned his hand to the girl’s leg and “began moving his hand along her thigh in an upward motion,” the complaint charges. Fearing “what might happen next,” the teen pushed Prakash’s hand away.

At this point, Prakash clasped the girl’s fingers and “lifted their interlocked hands up, kissed the juvenile female’s hand, and whispered ‘I love you’ in her ear,” stated Betz.

“Shortly thereafter,” Betz said, Prakash leaned over to the girl and “whispered a statement which included the word ‘sucking,’ then added, ‘Don’t tell your mom.’”

Tell me that’s not a line he uses on all the girls.

Prakash is currently free on a $5000 unsecured bond and has been ordered to surrender his passport. If he’s convicted of the assault, he faces a maximum of one year in prison, five years probation and a $100,000 fine.

If You’re Going To San Francisco, Be Sure To Wear A Stranger In Your Shirt

This in-flight molestation business is getting to the point where it may need its own tag. I should get around to that whenever it is that I finally make one for United Breaks.

Anyway, the latest case took place on a British Airways flight from London to San Francisco earlier this month.

The victim was aboard British Airways Flight 285 last Tuesday when she was assaulted by Vinay Pochampally, according to a U.S. District Court criminal complaint. The molestation occurred about two hours into the flight.

The female passenger was seated in row 37, behind which was a “bulkhead of the galley and restroom area.” During the flight, Pochampally, who was assigned a seat in row 36 of the Boeing 747, “positioned himself in the gap behind row 37 and in front of the bulkhead,” reported FBI Agent Bianca Betz in a sworn affidavit.

“While in that gap, Pochampally inserted his hand, palm-side down, into the shirt of the sleeping female passenger,” noted Betz. Pochampally’s hand was “underneath the passenger’s shirt and undergarments for approximately four to five minutes, making skin-to-skin contact in the breast and upper chest area,” added Betz.

When his victim finally awoke, the intoxicated (there’s a surprise) Pochampally is said to have quickly taken his hand out of her shirt before taking off running down the aisle. You know, because that’s not suspicious at all.

He has been charged with simple assault.

No Sir, The Announcement Said Children Flying Alone Can Get Help On The Plane, Not Help You Get Off On The Plane

Ok seriously now, what’s the deal with guys groping women on planes? Is it some sort of perceived vulnerability thing? A sense that your victim can’t get away and that fuck it, they can’t arrest me in the sky so I might as well go for it? Whatever the reason it seems like it happens a lot, and it’s just happened again.

According to an FBI affidavit, Hans Loudermilk and the victim were traveling from Los Angeles to Salt Lake City, Utah, a 90-minute flight. After boarding the plane, Loudermilk stood in the aisle and asked the girl if she would move to the middle seat in their row. The teen, identified as “KD” in the affidavit, complied with Loudermilk’s request, reported FBI Agent Daniel Horan.

Following departure, the pair engaged in conversation that “started off just social, however turned sexual in nature,” Horan stated.

About 25 minutes before landing, Loudermilk allegedly told “KD” that he could “teach her things sexually that boys her age could not.” He added that she “should drive with him and that in the State of Utah he could marry her at her current age.”

As they spoke, Loudermilk moved closer to the girl and started touching her chin. “This touching progressed to rubbing KD’s leg and upper thigh,” reported Moran, who added that the girl “got extremely nervous and wanted this to end.”

The girl, who according to the report was traveling alone, tracked down a TSA agent as soon as the flight landed and reported the incident.

Noticing the conversation, Loudermilk decided to go the master of disguise route, hitting the airport gift shop and replacing the tan shirt he’d been wearing with a black jacket in an attempt to throw the authorities off his trail. It didn’t work, and for now his trail has ended in a jail cell, held without bail in advance of an April 10th court date where he’ll answer 2 felony charges of sexual abuse of a minor on an aircraft. Can’t say I’m clear on where the second count comes from since this all sounds like one assault to me, but I guess that’s for the justice system to sort out.

3 Seats To A Row: For When Groping One Woman On Your Flight Just Isn’t Enough

What’s better than sexually assaulting one woman on an airplane? Well, if you’re Saurabh Agarwal and the FBI is telling the truth, the answer is trying to sexually assault two women on an airplane.

In a sworn affidavit, FBI Agent David Wiegand reported that “R.C.L” was seated next to Agarwal on American Airlines Flight 1142, which departed Miami around 5:45 PM. After falling asleep following departure, the woman awoke to find Agarwal “hugging her body, with his hand inside her bra, fondling her breast.”
“Because of fear,” however, the woman “pretended to be asleep.” Wiegand noted that Agarwal “kept squeezing R.C.L.’s body tighter” and “squeezed her nipple.” The woman, who was in the window seat, told investigators that she “did not show that she was awake due to being scared of” Agarwal.
When a flight attendant approached with a refreshment cart, Agarwal “moved off the victim,” only to subsequently return to touching her as she continued to pretend to be sleeping. Agarwal, Wiegand charged, also leaned up against the woman and “pressed his legs up against R.C.L.’s legs.”
The woman then said that she “needed to use the restroom, left her seat, and went to the back of the Boeing 737-800, where she told the flight crew what had happened,” Agent Wiegand reported.

Much like our last case of in-flight molestation, there was a witness sitting next to them while everything was happening. Somehow that makes these stories seem even worse, doesn’t it? But unlike that case, it wasn’t the molester’s preteen son, at least. This one was a woman who initially assumed that Agarwal and the victim knew each other, but was still a bit creeped out and annoyed by the way he was acting toward her in public.

But then…oh then.

The witness said that after “R.C.L.” left their row, Agarwal touched her leg, claiming he had dropped his drink. The woman, Wiegan noted, “quickly jumped up and went to the back of the plane.” There, she “observed R.C.L. crying” and realized that “Defendant and R.C.L. did not know one another.”

The next people that Agarwal got up close and personal with were the on board federal air marshals, who detained him for the rest of the flight.

If convicted of the felony charges he now faces, he could be spending the next 2 years in prison getting to know some folks who will likely be quite a bit more receptive to his advances than the ones on the plane.