Category: videos

Trump Needs A Little Help


Once Donald Trump officially took office, he did what many new Presidents have done before him. He called a previous President for advice.

I’m told this is satire, but I’m not buying it.

It Better Be A Good Prize If I’m Showing You That

This Oreo commercial is everywhere on TV lately, but no matter how many times I see it and how used to it I should be by now, the stupid thing catches me off guard every single time. Why? Well, just listen to the song.

I don’t care what the contest is called or what the title of the video is or what any of you might try to tell me, there’s no way in hell that fellow is singing anything other than “show your dong for a chance to win.” You can laugh and call it a misheard lyric all you want, but to me it’s a damn fact. My brain will accept no evidence to the contrary.

United Breaks Faces, Any Pretense Of Giving A Shit

Listen. We’ve all had a lot of fun with the whole United Breaks thing and we all know that United can go fuck itself right along with basically every other airline, but there are almost no words for this.

Please share this video. We are on this flight. United airlines overbooked the flight. They randomly selected people to kick off so their crew could have a seat. This man is a doctor and has to be at the hospital in the morning. He did not want to get off. We are all shaky and so disgusted. #unitedairways -To use this video in a commercial player or in broadcasts, please email licensing@storyful.com-

Posted by Audra D. Bridges on Sunday, April 9, 2017

Quiz time. The distressed fellow in that video:
A: Got past security and made his way onto a plane he had no right to be on and then didn’t want to leave.
B: Got a little carried away at the airport lounge/beverage cart and had become unruly.
C: Was a paying customer with somewhere to be who wasn’t having any of United’s we overbooked the plane nonsense.

No, you don’t want to believe it but yes, you know the answer.

Passenger Audra Bridges, who uploaded a video of the incident to Facebook, told the newspaper that United initially offered customers $400 and a hotel room if they offered to take a flight the next day at 3pm. Nobody chose to give up the seat that they paid for, so United upped the ante to $800 after passengers boarded, announcing that the flight would not leave until four stand-by United employees had seats. After there were still no takers, a manager allegedly told passengers that a computer would select four passengers to be kicked off the flight.

The man in the video apparently claimed to be a doctor who had appointments with patients the next morning. After he refused to give up his seat, Bridges says a security official threw him “against the armrest before dragging him out of the plane.” According to Bridges, the seemingly disoriented man came back onto the plane with blood on his face and the crew asked passengers to go back to the gate so that United crew could “tidy up” the plane.

Yes, there’s video of him getting back on the plane. No, he definitely doesn’t seem right.

And you know what else isn’t right? Literally everything United did to cause this situation and everything it’s done since. I mean just look at this garbage statement from CEO Oscar Munoz.

“This is an upsetting event to all of us here at United,” CEO Oscar Munoz said in a statement. “I apologize for having to re-accommodate these customers. Our team is moving with a sense of urgency to work with authorities and conduct our own detailed review of what happened.”
“We are also reaching out to this passenger to talk directly to him and further address and resolve this situation,” he added in the statement.

Having to re-accommodate these customers? Fuck off, dude. Seriously. Fuck! Off! You had to do nothing of the sort. You could have found those employees another plane. You could have rented them a car. Bought them bus tickets. Paid for a cab. Put them on a train. Given them hitchhiking lessons. The only thing you absolutely had to do was anything it took to avoid beating up paying customers for expecting you to provide the service they paid you to provide, and of course you didn’t do it. Why? Because as we’ve gone over time and time again, you suck.

I don’t know if your victim is a doctor or not, but what I hope he is is a man with the will and the resources to sue you hideous rumpdongles so far back in time that the stone age looks up from whatever it’s doing and says “holy shit, did you see those dickheads that just whizzed bye?”

I’m You, Dickhead


If ever time travel does become a thing, this is exactly what it’s going to be like.

In a world where time travel is a simple hospital procedure, a man jumps back in time to force his 10 year old self to learn guitar, so that he can get more action with the ladies in the present day.

Starring: Anthony Gooley, Tom Usher, Alan Flower, Olivia Pigeot, Emma Palmer, Anthony Taufa, Noah Moon & Rae Johnston

Director: Lucas Testro (“CAPES”)
Writer: Larry Boxshall
Producers: Lucas Testro and Renée Crea
Executive Producer: David Lagettie
Associate Producers: Ash Anderson and Jeffrey J. Ellen
Director of Photography: Aaron Smith
Production Designer: Eve Waugh
Editor: Bill Irving
Music: Myles Heskett
Sound Designers: Ben Crea and Andy Finn
VFX: Brad Dunn and Ken Simpson

The Bayesian Trap

Want to make your brain explode? Watch this video about the Bayesian trap.

At first, this sounds ridiculous, but because this guy has a lot of patience, it really starts to make sense.

The sucky part is I don’t know if I would ever be able to actually properly use that equation because my poor brain goes splat at the attempt at calculating these probabilities. But what I can do is if I ever get told I have a horrible disease, I’ll get a second opinion from an independent lab before truly panicking.

If Only Our Heads Were As Loaded As Our Guns

I know some people don’t like it, but there’s a reason why the term gun nut exists. But since I’m a fair man, I’ll make you a deal. If you can come up with a better word than nut for someone who chooses to show his support for the second amendment by waltzing into a police station armed to the teeth and wearing military gear while his buddy films the whole thing, I’ll stop using it. Good luck.

Dearborn police said in a statement that officers responded to Ford Road and Southfield Freeway near a shopping center “to investigate a report of two suspicious men in a vehicle wearing tactical vests and masks” prior to the incident at the police station on Sunday.
“The subjects left the area before police arrived on scene,” police said. “A short time later, a Dearborn police sergeant on patrol observed the subjects’ occupied vehicle in a park approximately 3 miles away.
” … The occupants of the vehicle were dressed in heavy tactical vests and the passenger, who refused to speak to the sergeant, was wearing a balaclava mask which covered his face.”
No guns were spotted during the traffic stop and the sergeant released the vehicle. The men then drove to the police station and walked inside.
“Dude, put that on the ground,” an officer can be heard saying shortly after the two men enter the police station. “Put it on the ground or you are dead … I will shoot you. I will put a round in you, sir.”
The camera goes to the ground and screen goes black as the officers continue ordering the man to drop both the rifle and another handgun.
“It’s all legal, sir,” one of the men is heard saying.
“I’m unarmed, you stop pointing your (expletive) gun at me,” the other man says. ” … I’m here to file a complaint.”
Police say the men ultimately surrendered and were arrested.
Police seized: a loaded AP-14 firearm and a rifle magazine containing 47 rounds; a loaded Glock 19 handgun with four additional magazines; body armor and ballistic vests; a mask; a gun belt and several pieces of camera equipment.
Also recovered was an AR-15 rifle along with a AK-47 style rifle.

Here’s video of the traffic stop in question. They don’t come off well in it either, shockingly.

Come to think of it, maybe there are better terms than gun nut. Gun imbecile, maybe. Gun moron? Gun Dunderhead? Death wish possessor?

Whatever you want to call James Baker and Brandon Vreeland, they’re lucky to be alive. They’re also lucky to have been set free after each posting a mere $1500 bond.

Signaling that all gun people aren’t entirely batshit, even the president of one of the local gun rights groups wants no part of these nitwits, issuing a no, these aren’t some of ours that got loose statement following the incident.

On Monday, the Dearborn Police Department and a statewide open carry group condemned the two men’s action as irresponsible and reckless.
“I find this behavior totally unacceptable and irresponsible,” Police Chief Ronald Haddad said in a statement Monday afternoon. “This is not a 2nd Amendment issue for me. We had members of the public in our lobby that fled in fear for their safety as these men entered our building.”
Tom Lambert, president of Michigan Open Carry Inc., a gun-rights group, issued a statement supporting the police handling of the incident.
“Let us be clear, Michigan Open Carry Inc. in no way supports the actions of these individuals,” Lambert said. “It is our belief that their actions were reckless and primarily designed to draw attention and a response.”
Lambert said his group advocates the lawful open carrying of a holstered handgun for the purposes of self-defense, noting thousands of people do it every day without incident.

A lot of things can be said about the police, some of them justifiably negative. But you can’t do anything but give these ones credit for how they handled this. Things could have easily gone very differently than they did and it would have been difficult to fault the officers if they had. But instead, everyone gets to go home happy and these clowns get to live to be the dumbest of dumbfucks another day. Everybody wins. Well, kind of.

Ass Ass Baby

So apparently, there are a lot of seniors with STD’s now, and it’s not something that’s getting talked about. So, Dr. Shannon Dowler wrote a rap song about it…which is pretty damn good.

I have to say that I’m feeling pretty old, because “Ice Ice Baby” was picked as a song that is supposed to reach seniors. Hmmm.

Any way you look at it, it’s getting people talking, so that’s what she was going for.

Yo, Dr. D in the house, let’s kick it.
safe sex baby
safe sex baby

Alright stop, collaborate and listen
to rap Dr. D’s rap intention
callin’ out all you fellas and ladies
STD’s are tearin’ through folks in their eighties.

Can ya really help bein’ sex kittens
why can’t you wear your little love mittens?
Gotta be safe, ’cause sex has gotten risky,
no shame in bein’ a freak and gettin’ a little frisky

Dang, your body’s a temple,
Keepin’ safe’s not always so simple.
sex indiscretions lead to depression,
no matter how you like it, condoms give the best protection.

Love it or leave it, hormones start to flag
Things dry up and your tail can lose that wag.
If that’s a problem, lube may solve it,
see your family doc if it doesn’t resolve it.

Chorus

Vaginal atrophy is something’.
A sex catastrophe, it can be the real thing.
Quick to the point, to the point I’m makin’
lubrication’s key, and ya know I’m not fakin’.

Trauma, from guys’ erections,
tears thin skin without detection.
Listen up, and learn from this lection,
if you don’t want a nasty groin infection.

Aging, it’s just a normal stage,
we all have to get on the same safe sex page.
Fellas on standby, wantin’ more than saying hi.
Should ya stop, or should you just drive by.

Wait until they’re checked at an STD shop
check things out from the bottom to the top.
Your sex life can be later and stronger,
thanks to Viagra, boy parts work longer.

Livin’ a sex revolution,
bein’ sex savvy is the smartest sex solution.
Let’s break it down, cougars all around,
all these STDs all the time bein’ found.

Bodies, we’re just a cafeteria
a cesspool of germs, of virus and bacteria
Once called the clap, Gonorrhea’s got a rap
Sleepin’ around? Probably a trap.

Subtle and sneaky is chlamydia
Ya may not even know when the bug has gotten into ya.
Syphilis makes a painless little sore,
then you spread it ’round every time you score.

All are on the scene, back in action,
Tearin’ things up, put your parts in traction.
STDs are a problem,
one way to solve it, see your family doctor.

chorus

Take heed, I’m an STD poet,
Rap Dr. D. I want you to know it.
In my town, I see these infections,
give bad news when they’re detected.

Sex can be a germ spill,
people aren’t safe for real.
Virus and bacteria, sexually transmitted,
How to be safe? Make sure the condom’s fitted.

I’m rap Dr. D and I wanna help ya be,
free of Herpes, AIDS and HPV.
All these STDs really are stealthy,
Without ’em, your sex life will be healthy.

No lame excuses, you know to take precautions.
Rap Dr. out, hope your golden years are awesome.
If you’ve got a problem, and condoms won’t solve it,
see your family doc, maybe they can resolve it.

Chorus

Yo, let’s get outa here. Word to your doctor.

Happy 40th Anniversary, Blue Jays!


Yesterday marked the 40th anniversary of the day the Toronto Blue Jays played their first game. For trivia’s sake, they beat the Chicago White Sox 9-5, which is a much better start to anything than a lot of expansion teams get. It was also the game that brought us their first ever home run, video of which you can see above and audio of which I posted years ago.

Of course, everyone is putting up articles commemorating the occasion, as they should. Some of them are quite well written and very informative and you should absolutely find and read them if you’re interested in that sort of thing. But I’m going to point you at this one, because it dropped something on me that I’d never heard before.

That is the first ever Toronto Blue Jays theme song, and it’s…wow. Not sure I have words for that. It’s straight out of the 70s, I’ll say that much. And somebody clearly put a lot of work into it, dare I say more than went into the one Sportsnet’s been using for the last few years.

For the record, there’s nothing wrong with that tune at all, but there’s something to be said for the days when something’s theme song was about that thing, silly as it could be at times.

Happy anniversary, Jays. Here’s to many more. Shame you had to lose an awful game to the Rays last night, but I still love you.

Joey Quits!

If you’re looking to quit your job, there are a couple ways you can go about it. You can write a resignation letter and leave it at that, or you can write a resignation letter and then bring your marching band along to help you deliver it like Joey DeFrancesco did.

He gives the whys and hows behind this here, if you’re curious.

“I hated them, and they hated me,” DeFrancesco tells HuffPost, speaking of management at the Renaissance Providence Hotel, where he worked in room service. “It was this big drawn-out war we were having with management … I knew I had to get one last shot at them.”

DeFrancesco says that he worked at the hotel during a hard-fought unionization drive that he supported. According to news reports, workers at the Renaissance voted to join a union a little over a year and a half ago. The workers eventually became members of the service and hotel union UNITE HERE, but DeFrancesco stresses that he was acting on his own behalf and without union approval when he tendered his resignation.
One of the main reasons the workforce had decided to unionize was scheduling issues; they would sometimes get out late at night and have to return for the early-morning shift, just a few hours later. Yet while a lot of benefits came out of joining UNITE HERE — most notably, raises — DeFrancesco also says the union push was a bitter one that strained relations between management and rank-and-file workers. He claims that he lost many of the shifts he’d previously had, which is one reason he’d decided to part ways and capture it on video.