You May Flash The Waitress

I don’t know if it’s all uphill or downhill from here, but married life is definitely off to a rough start for you when day one consists of drunkenly, creepily and forcefully trying for some sexy time with a teenage waitress in a bathroom and fighting with the resulting police officers at your own wedding.

Citing police documents, CBS reported police responded to an indecent assault on a minor at a country club. Authorities say that’s where Aimers allegedly forced himself on a waitress just hours after tying the knot.

According to a criminal complaint, Aimers made advances on the teen throughout the evening, and “asked her to go outside and make out,” telling her “we can do whatever you want.” The victim declined and told the groom she was there to work.
According to the Inquirer, Aimers followed the underage girl into the women’s washroom later in the evening, where he pulled the girl into stall, exposed himself and tried to sexually assault her. The girl tried to pull away from the man and he continued “to proposition her,” according to police documents. The girl was able to break free from the man and got herself out of the washroom.

Aimers was also charged with simple assault, disorderly conduct and resisting arrest after police say he fought officers responding to a brawl at the reception.

A worker alleged Aimers punched him after he tried to stop him from bringing alcohol outside.

The charges mentioned in the snip go along with the counts of indecent assault, indecent exposure and false imprisonment of a minor related to his failed attempt at lining up a mistress.

Lawyer Louis Busico says that his client, Matthew Aimers, “completely maintains his innocence on all charges.”

That’s nice and all, but I’d really like to hear from the bride about now. You almost never hear from the other half when something like this goes down. That’s likely for the best since they’re probably suffering enough as it is, but just once I’d kind of like to get their perspective on things.

I’d Like To Propose A Toasted

I don’t know what Amanda Willis was arrested eight times for, but I imagine her now former best friend Jennifer Butler does, which makes me wonder how short Mrs. Butler was on maid of honour candidates especially based on arrest number nine.

“She was a mess. She drank almost a whole entire bottle of Fireball,” said guest Robert Templeton.
“She was drunk within 20 minutes to half an hour,” said Jennifer Butler.
Willis started asking people for their keys, according to those in attendance.
“She just went up to the best man and grabbed his keys out of his pocket and jumped in his car,” said Templeton.
Willis backed out and almost hit the best man – David’s brother Brian. He grabbed on to the car and held on.

“She took off, and his feet were dragging across the ground. He had to hit the E-brake,” said Templeton.
Guests wrestled Willis out of the car.
“She went back inside. She grabbed up the big bottle of Captain Morgan and just guzzled it like this,” said Jennifer Butler.
Then they say she got violent.
“As soon as I turned around, she came up and cracked me upside of the face,” said Templeton.
He said he swung back before he knew what was happening, and the deputies were called.
“It was insane. Absolutely insane,” said Jena Templeton.

Things didn’t get much better once police arrived. Willis told them that she was having an asthma attack, then started shaking like she was having some sort of seizure. She was taken to a local hospital where she proceeded to expose herself to some deputies, assault a couple of medics and kick over her bed pan. How they finally managed to calm her down wasn’t reported, which is disappointing. Not sure about the rest of you, but I’ve been in a few situations where that sort of info might have been handy.

She was charged with larceny, battery, grand theft of a motor vehicle and violation of probation.

Honey, Will You Marry…..Weeeeeeee!

This sounds like something straight out of a sitcom.

A man in the Netherlands, intending to propose to his girlfriend by hoisting himself up to her window with a crane, instead had to get himself to safety when the crane fell onto the roof of a neighbouring house instead of going along with the plan. And to make matters worse, the first attempt to right it went poorly, which is a kinder, gentler way of saying that it fell on the same damn house again, causing the structure to be deemed unsafe as well as the temporary evacuation of several nearby buildings.

But on the bright side, nobody was hurt and the proposal was excepted. And as of now at least, it doesn’t appear that anyone will be charged with a crime. After a brief chateroo with the local constabulary, the newly engaged couple were allowed to head to France to celebrate on the condition that they not touch anything. I may have made that last part up.

I Now Pronounce You Old, Smashed, Creepy And Gross

I’m hardly what you’d call religious, but even I understand that it takes a special sort of person to have sex on a church lawn. But it takes an even more special (Specialer?) type to do it in broad daylight…during a wedding…that isn’t your own…and that you weren’t even invited to.

Stone then approached Sandra Kruser and Wilson Benally, who were laying on the church lawn. “I walked over to the couple and I physically saw the sex act,” Stone reported. Specifically, the cop noted, Benally “had his tongue and finger inside of Ms. Krusen’s vagina.”

The Kruser-Benally tryst was viewed by, among others, “four children in the wedding party,” according to a police report.

When Stone confronted the couple, they initially ignored orders to stop having sex. Kruser and Benally–who were not invited to the nuptials–eventually had to be pried apart by Stone.

At this point I feel it may be worthwhile to note the ages of our lovers. Kruser is 60 and Benally is 56. Let that swirl around your mind for a while.

Both were charged with gross lewdness and public intoxication which should pretty well go without saying, shouldn’t it? Benally was also hit with a criminal trespass count. Why just him? Neither of them were supposed to be at the church, so wouldn’t you ding both of them? It also seems reasonably clear that he had permission to enter the vagina, so where else was he that he wasn’t supposed to have been? Then again, it could have something to do with any number of situations, as jail records show that he’s been booked there 102 times in the past.

I Think I’m Gonna Bother You

I forgot to write about this in the post about my brother’s wedding. Oh well, I felt this thing neded its own post anyway. Warning! I’m probably about to sound like a very old woman.

When the dancing started, all the songs were pretty good. After their first dance, they played the song that was my sister’s first dance at her wedding…I’m not sure if that was intentional or coincidental, but it was kind of cool. A few other nice songs were played…and then this attrocity came on.

I call it an attrocity, but only for the lyrics. The damn tune is so catchy that whenever I think about it, I sing it for days…which just perpetuates the vicious circle of grrr.

I know, it says “I think I wanna marry you,” but the rest of the song seems like the absolute worst song to play at a wedding.
“It’s a beautiful night, we’re lookin’ for something dumb to do.
Oh baby, I think I wanna marry you.”
“Who cares if we’re trashed, got a pocket full of cash we can blow, …”

I could pick this thing apart line by line if I wanted to, but I won’t. You get the picture.

This song bugged me already, and I know that makes me sound old or something, but am I the only one? Could the DJ have waited to play that one until a little later on? I mean, they already jam in songs like “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” by Meatloaf at weddings, which also bothered me, but it’s a popular song so it gets played. This song was played in those few where the dances might count for something.

Eek I sound like my dad, telling people how to do their jobs. Maybe I should shut up. I guess this song bugs me anyway…so hearing it so early just sort of bugged me a little more.

Another Sibling Officially Married Off

I should write about this before it gets too crazy late.

My brother got married a couple of weeks ago. Well, this was the big affair that they had been planning out anyway. They technically got married in City Hall back in 2012, but since you can’t invite everybody you’d want at your wedding to a City Hall thinggy, they went ahead with the big due they were planning, and that was this one.

It was on a Friday, which was a little different than usual. I think the reason for picking that day was it was supposed to be lucky. By all accounts, everything worked out fine…but the weather had nothing to do with good luck, at all! We had a special weather statement, rain, threats of freezing rain, and other assorted grossness.

Because it was on a Friday, and my folks were part of the wedding party, there was a rehearsal the night before. Because the wedding was in Toronto, this meant that Steve and I got picked up the night before. So I ended up taking 2 days off work that week. Nutso!

I have to say technology is a wonderful thing. Since my folks were in the rehearsal dinner, Steve and I were on our own for finding food that night. We could have gone to the hotel restaurant, but a. we ended up grabbing lunch there, and b. holy pricy dinners! So, after some quick googling on our phones, and a little blindsquaring, we found ourselves Boston Pizza and had it brought in. Yes! Can you imagine the craziness if we didn’t have our phones? We could have done it, but it would have been a lot harder.

We learned a lot about the beast that is Toronto traffic. Mom and Dad had driven from hotel to church when the roads were pretty empty. It was maybe a 10-minute drive. On Friday afternoon? Took us a good 45 minutes ish. Those were some stressful 45 minutes.

I learned about a new kind of member of the bridal party, junior bride’s maids! I had never heard of that, but this was the day I learned about them. A bunch of nieces of the bride were all dressed up in cute little tutus. Those will make some fine pictures.

I never wrote about his City Hall ceremony, probably because it was 4 days after my uncle Mike’s funeral and we were in the middle of Trix retirement pain and grief. But I didn’t know what to expect from a city hall wedding. I knew the couple only got 15 minutes, so I expected an assembly line process, “Here are the rings, do you? I do. Snap snap snap go the cameras, next!” But those 15 minutes felt very personal and important, and like we were the only people who mattered. You knew that you weren’t, because you could hear the next family lining up outside, but the woman made it feel very special, personal, and not weird at all.

Going into this ceremony, I knew it was going to be long, and that it was, and full of reminders of how I don’t go to church. There were lots of call and responses where I didn’t know what the response was supposed to be. Um, oops? Mouthe furiously, just mouthe furiously!

Every time we had to stand to sing, Tansy kept trying to exxit the row. She would stand and try to start walking in one fluid motion. I had to put her back in our place. She was very confused. “But you stood up! Aren’t we going? Shouldn’t I be efficient? Why are we standing?”

Apparently the priest was…quite blunt if he didn’t think someone was doing something fast enough or the right way. He never said a word, but if looks could disobey the sixth commandment…

After all that was over, we headed to the hotel for pictures. Thank goodness we picked an indoor picture-taking spot because the weather, as I said earlier, suuuuucked. Rain and wind and cold don’t make for great wedding pictures. But apparently our hotel lobby does. There were some interesting pictures taken next to, and sitting by, a grand piano. That’ll be nice.

And, even more awesome for Tansy and I, Tansy got to be in these. So I will eventually have nice wedding pictures of Tansy, complete with Trix’s old fuzzy bow.

Then we headed to the reception, which was super nice. Man was there a lot of food. I couldn’t finish it, and I was stuffed. This was unfortunate, since there was a poutine stand available. How neat! Too bad I was too stuffed to eat any.

Speeches were nice, and I thought dad was going to just bawl. Mom made some people chuckle, and someone on the bride’s side said my brother reminded their kids of Olaf, a character out of Disney’s “Frozen”. I made a mental note to watch Frozen as soon as possible.

One indicator of how long it had been since I’d seen some family was how many were looking at Tansy and wondering if this was Trix or a different dog. I had to ask myself if I really hadn’t seen them since Trix retired, and answer that yes, that was the case. I got lots of questions about what happened to Trix or where she was or whatever. It was a good time to catch up.

The DJ was pretty good, he had this way of mixing songs really well. I feel old, though, because I could have gone with a few more different songs than the boom boom dance type…and if I ever hear that Selfi song again, I think I might punch something or someone.

And before I knew it, the lights were flickering and we were packing up all the gear, and it was over. We got back to the hotel just before 1, and crashed by 1:30 or something.

The breakfast was nice the next day. The funniest part, though, was when a bunch of the kids from the bride’s side started spontaneously singing. We couldn’t figure out why…until someone said they were watching “Frozen” on an iPad.

And about that. I did watch the movie…and was generally disappointed with it. Is it me, or was this not Disney’s best work ever? I remember hearing nothing but raves about it, but I couldn’t rave. There were no hidden jokes for the adults, the plot was just super dumb, and the songs weren’t catchy. The best I can say about it was it had a twist, and from what I remember, Disney wasn’t known for its twisty plots.

All in all, despite special weather statements, crazy Toronto traffic, and other little things that always happen, I think all went well and everyone had fun. Tansy survived, although she slept like a loooog for the rest of the weekend. I think, in the end, it worked out better that the wedding was on Friday, because we had the breakfast on Saturday, and we all had Sunday to recover. I think that was needed, even by Tansy.

Help The Shoe Thief Win His Wedding. Yes, I Said Wedding!

Our old pal the Shoe Thief asked if I could do him a favour, and who am I to say no to that guy?

I don’t think we’ve mentioned it before here, but as of last summer, he’s engaged! To a girl! And she’s real! They haven’t set a date yet, but here’s where we can all maybe help that part along a touch.

They’ve entered a contest to win a $20,000 dream wedding, but to do that, they need votes. Votes from nice people like you. Hell, they’ll take votes from arseholes too, because every little bit helps. Their story has been picked as one of the five finalists, which is awesome. And now they have until Sunday to try to round up enough votes to take the whole thing. If you’d like to give them your support, here’s the contest page. Their entry is the one about love being blind. Don’t shoot the messenger, you guys.

A couple of those other stories are pretty hard not to vote for, but you have my word (if for some reason that means something to you) that Marty and Lisa are good people who could really use and would very much appreciate the help.

Thanks to anyone who votes, and good luck, you two! If you win, it’ll be the fanciest wedding I’ve ever been in. I am still in it, right?

How To Give A Good Wedding Speech

Since there’s a better than good chance that in the next couple of years I’m going to be a fairly big part of a couple of weddings, I’m glad I saw this. How To Give A Best Man Toast That Doesn’t Suck

It says best man, but since pretty much every wedding speech in the history of the planet is nearly identical, these are good ground rules no matter how important you are to the day.

1. “Thank you so much to (bride’s family for paying for the wedding, unless the bride’s dad was like, “Fuck that. I’m not paying for a whole wedding”).”
2. “I can’t believe we’re here today, because when I was 6 years old, my brother (pissed on my head/beat a pigeon to death with a rock/stole all the gym teacher’s whistles).” One anecdote is all you get. I don’t need the entire story of your friendship. This isn’t A Separate Peace.
4. “And now he’s marrying (bride’s name). I haven’t spent much time with (bride’s name), but I can tell just from that short amount of time that she is PERFECT for (your brother’s name). I can’t believe he got so lucky because he (picks his nose/farts on dogs/has cum stains in his Jeep).”

All of that should take you 3 minutes or less, according to the experts.

Hey…wait a sec! there’s a passing mention of groomsman speeches in here. That was my job at the last wedding I was in, and I didn’t get to say anything. Is there something I should know, Dennis? And yes, I’d known you for 20 years and there’s no way I’m letting you near a microphone is a perfectly legitimate answer. I’d probably give that answer to myself, were I you.

I Now Pronounce You Unconscious, You Dick

Look at that, it’s a wedding and a food feud all in one!

The fight erupted when the best man pushed into the buffet queue to get food for his son, which is said to have upset uncle-of-the-bride Hughes.
The 53 year old lorry driver is said to have then hit best man, and brother-of-the-groom, Danny Smethurst, 30, and the bride’s father Kevin Coleman, 52.
Ten police vehicles had to be sent to Caldecott Hall hotel in Fritton near Great Yarmouth, Norfolk, as angry wedding guests fought in the car park outside the reception.
Even the bride’s mother Liza Coleman, 47, was knocked to the ground during the scuffle last Friday.
Bride Karyssa Smethurst, 28, of Gorleston, Norfolk, who is eight months pregnant, then had to drive her sister Krystel to hospital after an ambulance failed to turn up.

The groom wasn’t much for sugar coating his description of things for the newspaper, which is kind of great. I’d have a hard time not busting up laughing were I this reporter.

“Curt thought he was pushing in the queue, and called him “a fat c***”. My brother just told him there was no need to use that sort of language.”

That’s possibly the best combination of honesty and politely describing something I’ve ever heard.

“People were them dancing and enjoying themselves and everything was fine until it was time to leave,” He continued. “Curt was heard saying that he should never have come to the wedding as it was s*** and the food was crap.
‘He was just trying to belittle my wedding so my brother Danny said, ‘Why don’t you just f*** off then you d*******’. Danny then got punched.”

Once Danny got punched, things degenerated into the scene described above.

Uncle Kurt was arrested for assault, but later freed on bail. In a rare case of somebody in a Comet story actually learning something, he issued a brief no comment through his wife when asked to tell his side of the story. Good call, Uncle Kurt. Good call.

Bad Bride, Worse Human Being

When someone asks me “Steve, why do you hate people,” I generally reply by saying “honestly, I don’t.” But now I can add “but if I did, this woman would be why, the fucking ungrateful cow.”

She invited a bunch of people to her wedding. Those people brought gifts. She didn’t like what one guest brought and chose to make that fact known by doing…this.

Later, you get a text from the bride — “I want to thank you for coming to the wedding Friday,” it begins.
“I’m not sure if it’s the first wedding you have been to, but for your next wedding … people give envelopes. I lost out on $200 covering you and your dates plate . … and got fluffy whip and sour patch kids in return. Just a heads-up for the future.”

Here’s a taste of the email exchange, grammatical errors and all:
Gift-givers: “… to ask for a receipt is unfathomable. In fact it was incredibly disrespectful. It was the rudest gesture I have encountered, or even heard of.”
Newlyweds: “Weddings are to make money for your future … not to pay for peoples meals. Do more research. People haven’t gave gifts since like 50 years ago! You ate steak, chicken, booze, and a beautiful venue.”
Gift-givers: “It’s obvious you have the etiquette of a twig, I couldn’t care less of what you think about the gift you received, “normal” people would welcome anything given, you wanna have a party, you pay for it, DON’T expect me to.”
Newlyweds: “You should have been cut from the list … I knew we were gunna get a bag of peanuts. I was right.”

I’ve been to a number of weddings, and all of them, unless they were marriages of convenience and I didn’t know it, weren’t so much about making bank for the future as they were about celebrating how much better that future was going to be now that you were spending the rest of it with the one you love. The fact that you had a room full of people willing to celebrate your moment with you is far more important than what those people left behind when they went home.

I once attended a wedding at the Art Gallery of Ontario. I don’t know how much it costs to have your wedding there, but you have to pay for security and the package came with its own event planner, so I’m betting it ain’t cheap. but not for a moment did I worry about how the happy couple would pay for it. Why? Because that wasn’t my problem. My job was to dress up in clothes I hate, eat yummy food, talk to people I don’t know, dance around a little, hug some girls and the occasional dude and take advantage of the open bar. Where I do all of these things is the couple’s decision, not that of anybody they chose to invite. You, as the getting married ones, make those decisions ahead of time and should be well aware of what the costs are. If they’re so high that you need to rely on gifts to cover them, it’s time to scale shit back a tad.

And it’s not like you’re the first person to ever get a crappy gift. It’s happened to all of us. Thing is that most of us are levels enough above subhuman cuntwagon to be cool about it and move on. I hope you can figure that out before wedding number two, or you won’t have to worry about cutting anybody from the guest list.