Category: why?

Dec 12 2014

Dice My Onions, Or I Might Go Snaky!

I was going to write about this on Monday, but my computer had other plans.

If I wrote this post on Monday, I would have said that I think I’m winning the battle with Captain Nameless Illness, but I’m not completely sure anymore. At any rate, it’s still robbing me of creativity because when I saw this story, my first thought was “Meh, not doing much for me.” I showed it to Steve and he said “excuse me? Not doing it for you? I have so many questions!” I looked at it again, and realized that yeah, I have some too, as a matter of fact.

So, the story goes that early in the morning, two strange fellows walked into a Tim Hortons in Saskatoon. They ordered some kind of sandwich, and one of them got into an argument with the person working at Tim Hortons about how he wanted his onions. He wanted the employee to dice them for him. this argument got more heated, until he rreached into his friend’s jacket pocket, pulled out a small snake and hurled it behind the counter at the employee. Some craziness ensued, police were called, and the dudes and the snake were taken away.

Whaaat?

Let’s start with the most basic question. This is a Tim Hortons. why the hell would they be debating with the worker about how they want their onions cut? You get onions the way they make them, and that’s that. this kind of reminds me of something I saw in a Subway shop. This woman started loudly insisting that the guy making sandwiches change his gloves. I guess if she was deathly alergic to something he just handled, then I understand, but otherwise, what the hell?

Second, who walks around with a snake in their jacket pocket? Maybe if you’re 8 or something, you mmight walk around with a frog in your pocket, but these guys were 20 and it was 7 or so in the morning, at least I think I read that in another story.

Finally, what kind of strange relationship do these guys have where guy A can just reach into guy B’s coat and take something out and throw it? Or are they not friends anymore?

very very strange.

Oct 21 2014

I Thought An Artisanal” Ice Cube Was A Popsicle

Dear god. Please tell me that people are not seriously willing to pay an extra dollar to have a bartender plunk an “artisanal” ice cube into their drinks.

A Manhattan will set you back $14 at forthcoming downtown restaurant and bar Second State. Want it on the rocks? That will be a dollar more—for a total of $15.
The Pennsylvania-themed spot, which is set to open in the former Mighty Pint space at 1831 M St. NW on Oct. 21, will be the first place in D.C. with an ice surcharge listed on its cocktail menu. (Most bars eat the cost or build it into the price of the drink.) Granted, these are no freezer-burned, generic tray cubes. This is the fancy, unclouded artisanal stuff from D.C.’s boutique ice company, Favourite Ice, founded by local bartenders Owen Thomson and Joseph Ambrose. Second State bartenders will chip off the eight corners for a more spherical shape that sits in the glass like an iceberg.
“It’s worth it,” says bar manager Phil Clark. “When it goes into a cocktail, it’s crystal clear. It’s purified water, so there’s no minerally taste.”

Jesus Christ.

The only way I’m paying these dickheads any money for frozen water is if I get a douche lord on board bumper sticker I can slap on the back of my Big Wallet, Small Penismobile with every purchase.

Mar 07 2014

Suck It, Time Changes!

I’m a pretty easygoing fellow most of the time, but if ever you want to get me wound up and angry, you only need to say two words.

Time change.

Holy fuck on a flaming pole do I hate time changes. It doesn’t matter if we’re talking about the one this weekend or the one in October or November or wherever the hell they moved it this year, I despise it with the furious burning of a thousand suns.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this here before, but time changes always, and I do mean always, mess me up something fierce. While most of you are getting pissed about losing an hour of sleep, I’ve already been awake for the last three trying to figure out where those other 2 sumbitches fucked off to. While the rest of you are enjoying your extra hour of sleep, I’m trying to figure out why in the good happy Christ I’ve spent the extra hour and then some awake trying to figure out why it’s so stupidly early. And it’s not just that one day, either. It usually takes me at least a week to get myself back on what passes for track around here.

And why? What benefits are we getting out of all this clock monkeying? I can’t think of a single one. Other than perhaps tricking a person or two into thinking there’s more light for a few days or some shit, we’re accomplishing exactly nothing here. Ok, nothing aside from pissing off literally everyone.

Farmers

For generations, farmers have been rising with the sun to tend to their crops and animals. Farms operate on strict feeding, milking, watering and harvesting schedules, which can be thrown out of whack with biannual time changes.

That’s why farmers across Canada have opposed daylight time, and rural swaths of Saskatchewan pushed the province to leave the clocks alone year-round. Time for the rest of the country to follow Saskatchewan’s example?

Farmer’s, for Christ’s sake! The very people we’re supposed to be doing this for according to every single person who has ever tried to sensibly explain it to me. When the beneficiaries of your generosity are collectively telling you “gee, you really shouldn’t have,” it’s time to dig out the receipt and see about getting a refund, I think.

I don’t expect an end to this nonsense anytime soon, so for now I’ll just listen to this here tune a few times and then head for the pub and try to calm myself down with a beer or four.

I feel better already.

Jan 21 2014

There Is A Google Glass Sex App. Oh, And Some Other Stuff Happened, Too

I’ve seen a lot in the news about Google Glass, but to be honest, I haven’t paid that much attention to any of it. That is, until today when a couple of stories caught my eye.

But before we get into those, I’m sure some of you are wondering Steve, what the hell is Google Glass? A good question that we’ll turn to Wikipedia to answer.

Google Glass is a wearable computer with an optical head-mounted display (OHMD) that is being developed by Google in the Project Glass research and development project, with a mission of producing a mass-market ubiquitous computer. Google Glass displays information in a smartphone-like hands-free format, that can communicate with the Internet via natural language voice commands.

While the frames do not currently have lenses fitted to them, Google is considering partnerships with sunglass retailers such as Ray-Ban or Warby Parker, and may also open retail stores to allow customers to try on the device.

Long story short, they’re fancy glasses that can do all kinds of crap. They can take pictures and video, they can give you directions, they can let you read your email…essentially it’s a smartphone for your head. It all sounds very futuristic and even a bit cool, but I’m not sure I’m quite at a point in my life where I want to have public conversations with my headgear.

So now that you’re up to speed, let’s get to the news.

Both stories involve someone getting screwed. First up, by the movie industry and the FBI.

A man in a movie theatre wearing a switched off Google Glass because he had paid for lenses to make them into his actual glasses was intimidated out of his movie and questioned for hours “voluntarily” of course because officials were convinced he was filming it.

“About an hour into the movie, a guy comes near my seat, shoves a badge that had some sort of a shield on it, yanks the Google Glass off my face and says ‘follow me outside immediately’. It was quite embarrassing and outside of the theater there were about 5-10 cops and mall cops,” the man told Gadgeteer.

After trying to establish the official’s identity and authority (and trying to get his property back), the man was put firmly in his place.

“You see all these cops, you know we are legit, we are with the ‘federal service’ and you have been caught illegally taping the movie,” he was told.

His protests that this was a big misunderstanding only led to the couple being split up and taken to different rooms. The man was searched and his wallet plus work and personal phones (both off) were taken away from him.

“What followed was over an hour of the ‘feds’ telling me I am not under arrest, and that this is a ‘voluntary interview’, but if I choose not to cooperate bad things may happen to me,” he explained.

“They wanted to know who I am, where I live, where I work, how much I’m making, how many computers I have at home, why am I recording the movie, who am I going to give the recording to, why don’t I just give up the guy up the chain, ’cause they are not interested in me. Over and over and over again.”

And then yet more paranoia. Even though the Google Glass was switched off the man wasn’t allowed to touch the device out of fear he would “erase the evidence.” The FBI also asked some pretty strange questions.

“Then they wanted to know what does Google ask of me in exchange for Glass, how much is Google paying me, who is my boss and why am I recording the movie,” he explained.

Eventually somebody thought to do the obvious and hook the glasses up to a laptop. It didn’t take long to figure out that oops, we’ve been hastling this poor fellow and his wife for no reason.

And then Bob Hope gave him free movie tickets for his trouble. Seriously.

“A guy who claimed his name is Bob Hope (he gave me his business card) came in the room, and said he was with the Movie Association and they have problems with piracy at that specific theater and that specific movie. He gave me two free movie passes ‘so I can see the movie again’,” a gesture that was subsequently upped to four passes after the revelation that AMC had called him first and he’d decided to escalate the matter to the FBI.

Knowing all too well the pace at which the feds and big entertainment understand and adopt new technology, cases like this are going to get worse before they get better.

And now, people getting screwed by the dorkiest dorks to ever dork.

There is a sex filming app. No, you shut up.

It’s all designed to make sex a little bit better, the developers said.

Unless it can keep you from going off in 12 seconds or ensure that you’re doing it with a living thing not attached to the end of your own arm, you’re doing this sex thing all wrong, fellas.

“We asked ourselves: ‘How can we make sex more awesome with Google Glass?” This is our answer. Our intention is to make the physical better. We stand more of the “real stuff”. And less Skype sex.”

Just don’t get your hopes up for many repeat dates, I suspect.

But it gets…better?

The app also offers a bit of help along the way.

Unimaginative lovers can mutter “OK glass, give me ideas” for a few suggestions on which part to fondle at any given time, as well as asking Glass to play a certain kind of music.

At the end of the session, the horny Glasshole can just say “OK glass, pull out” to end the filming.

No, that’s definitley not better. Not better at all.

And no, this is not satire, not unless more than one generally credible source is being hoaxed.

Can we agree that technology has officially gotten out of hand?

Nov 21 2013

I See You’re Having Trouble. Here, Let Me Make It Worse

Normally when you think of taking something simple and making it orders of magnitude more complicated than it needs to be, you think government program. But solving problems with problems equal to or greater than the originals isn’t only the domain of bureaucrats. It’s also, as you’re about to see, the domain of 10 not so helpful inventors.

Unfortunately it’s a fucking slideshow, but since the world needs things like a body suit for birds that’s supposed to stop them from crapping on things and a mechanical hand to pat your baby for you because you’ve got shit to do, I’m posting it anyway.

Nov 20 2013

Finally, An Explanation For All The Russian Dash Cam Video

It’s rare that I post them, but I’ve seen far more Russian dash cam video clips than I can count. Some of you probably have, too. Sometimes I wonder if every single driver in the country has one, because it sure looks that way from the sheer number of videos that pop up of spectacular accidents or fights or what have you that just happen to be caught by the camera in some dude’s car.

But while asking the “what’s up with that?” question is often done in that half serious, half joking manner, it turns out there are good reasons why more than a million Russians have them. They’re often your best defense against corrupt police, staged accidents, fraud and over-priced insurance.

According to Galperina, hit and runs are “very common,” and insurance companies have begun to crack down on claims, often denying any claim with little evidence. Witnesses aren’t much help, either; Russian courts have turned into a he-said-she-said mess when it comes to traffic accidents. “Dash-cam footage is the only real way to substantiate your claims in the court of law,” Galperina writes.

The technology is much cheaper—ranging from as little as $50 to as much as $200—than insurance. Because of lax law enforcement and scams on the road, including staged crashes and already damaged cars presented as evidence in a new case, buying a good policy is outrageously expensive.

So there’s one of the internet’s greatest mysteries solved.

Oct 02 2013

No! No! Not Again!

Brother Brad unexpectedly dropped this into my inbox this afternoon. Guest posts like these are always welcomed, especially on days like today where I spend a bunch of the afternoon getting the newly cracked pipe under our kitchen sink fixed and then cleaning up after it.

If ever you get the urge to send us something, our contact info lives here. The rules are the same as they’ve always been.

1. Nobody’s fixing your writing. It goes up as is unless we need to jigger your formatting or somesuch.

2. There’s no guarantee that you won’t be made fun of. Nowadays this tends to be a much safer place than it used to be, but nothing lasts forever and it only takes 1 person to get that ball rolling.

With that out of the way, I’ll turn you over to Brad and go check on my meatloaf.

Being as Steve seems to be in a complaining mood today, and what I am about to tell you is super obnoxious, I think it’ll fit with today’s theme quite nicely.

Have you heard the commercials for that No! No! Hair removal system? Most importantly the radio one? I hope you have, because I can’t find it to put up here. In case you haven’t, it starts with a guy introducing someone who I believe must be famous who apparently uses the thing. She comes on and says, “Hey gals, I love talking about my No No.” Is it just me, or does this sound like the segue to some sort of snatch ‘n Match conversation? I don’t know about the rest of you, but every time I hear that that’s the first thing I think of. Go ahead and tell me I’m weird, I know that, we established it years ago.

According to the commercial I did find from TV this thing uses thermacon technology, whatever the hell that is, to heat away the hair. Correct me if I’m wrong, but wouldn’t a match or lighter do that too? Either way, it doesn’t sound terribly appealing.

Is it really that much trouble to run a razor over whatever you want shaved? Can it really be so bad that you would think, hey, I think I’ll maul my nether regions with this heat-emitting missile wand? I don’t know, maybe it is.

While you contemplate this, I’ll sit back and wait for the lawsuits to start rolling in when some idiot mistakes it for their vibrator and gets it lodged in their birth canal.

Now, go and enjoy your lunch, everybody.

Jul 30 2013

Artificial Breast Milk Lollipops Are For Sale For Some Reason

There are many things in this world that I will readily admit I do not understand. One of those things, I have just discovered, is that there appears to be a decent-sized market for synthetic breast milk-flavoured lollipops. No really, these are a thing, and you can apparently buy four of them for $10 if for some reason that sounds like something you would want to do.

Lollyphile, the company responsible for unleashing these things, said in June that within one day of their launch it had sold “a few thousand dollars worth” of them, but stopped short of giving an exact number in much the same way as I will stop short of eating one unless I’m trying to win a really good bet.

Jul 18 2013

There’s A Learn To Take A Crapp App For That

Parents, are you worried that your 1-year-old doesn’t have enough to think about or distract itself with while you’re teaching it how to use the toilet? If the answer is yes, then I’m afraid help, such as it is, may be at hand. Introducing the CTA Digital 2-in-1 iPotty with Activity Seat for iPad, because what goes better with toddlers and bodily fluids than your expensive electronics, am I right?

Parents can give children a comfortable and fun place to learn to use the potty with the child-friendly iPotty from CTA Digital. This potty training seat features a special stand to securely hold the iPad and safely entertain kids while they play with apps. The adjustable stand can be rotated 360 degrees to switch between horizontal and vertical views and also includes a removable touchscreen cover to guard against messy accidents and smudges. Parents will be pleased with how simple it is to keep the iPotty clean and minimize messes, with its removable inner potty bowl, potty seat, and splashguard. A clip-on seat cover can be attached to convert the potty to a child activity seat, so they can safely play apps, read and watch videos on the iPad at any time. The stand can also be adjusted to 3 positions or removed entirely to make extra room and easily store away. So, take a step ahead in potty training, delight children and make the learning experience easy and fun with CTA Digital’s iPotty for iPad.

Apr 23 2013

Kitchen Tools Of Extremely Questionable Usefulness

Carin’s dad is a really handy guy. He’s always coming up with ways to save time and space, or to solve problems that you didn’t think you had but totally do. Just the other day he helped me reclaim about half a desk worth of space by adding items rather than subtracting them, for instance.

If he can’t build what you need (he usually can), he’ll go out and find it, and good lord does he ever love finding things. It’s not unheard of to unexpectedly become a part of a shopping expedition spanning anywhere from three to five towns. Sometimes all you need to do is be in the car, foolishly thinking you’re going to dinner. If you need something, by god you’re gonna get it, even if it takes all night.

This isn’t always as bad as I might be making it sound. Many times I truly appreciate the determination. Seeing a project through to its happy conclusion is certainly an admirable trait, and it’s not every day you find a pro handyman that’s also as close to a pro shopper as one can get without actually being compensated by the stores he’s patronizing. To be sure, there is certainly a lot of usefulness there.

But other times it’s little more than a thinly veiled excuse to buy crap. If Carin’s dad gets it in his head that you should have something, by god you’re gonna have it, even if it takes all night. If it looks neat or like something he thinks he might use, everybody needs one. For all the cool things we have thanks to his work, we have a surprisingly large amount of stuff kicking around here that I quite literally cannot identify. And even if a thing has been explained to me upon its arrival, I still haven’t a clue what it does or why.

We have jar openers that I was supposed to use to open my beer. They’re far too large for this purpose. Yes, I tried. Unfortunately they don’t work well as jar openers, either. they’re either not the right fit for the jars we own or they’re too slippery to get a good grip, so I wind up using man power and the spoon popping trick my mom showed me when I was younger, just like I’ve always done.

We have tongish meat flippy things that can’t possibly pick up or secure anything unless you’re really good with largely inflexible rubberish chopsticks that are attached to each other, or don’t mind getting your hand so close to the hot food trying to line it up that you might as well just barehand it. Update: Carin reminded me that grabbing and flipping was actually a secondary purpose for these things. Their primary use was as toaster tongs for getting toasted things out of your toaster. Useful, unless the thing is sticking out normally and you can use your hands, or the thing was snagged further down in which case you’re probably breaking or squashing it trying to get it back.

We have rubber oven shelf edge covers because…because we have them. I’m not even sure if he knew what they were supposed to do. I imagine they’re supposed to protect something, but what? Oven shelves are built to withstand heat, and when they’re hot you’re not supposed to be touching them. There go the two most obvious uses I can think of.

I’m not sure if Carin’s dad reads the site. I don’t think he does. Neither of our families tend to as far as I know. Maybe that’s a good thing. If he did, we’d probably end up owning some or all of these 11 Insanely Specific Kitchen Gadgets. That is, if we don’t already.

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