Carin’s dad is a really handy guy. He’s always coming up with ways to save time and space, or to solve problems that you didn’t think you had but totally do. Just the other day he helped me reclaim about half a desk worth of space by adding items rather than subtracting them, for instance.

If he can’t build what you need (he usually can), he’ll go out and find it, and good lord does he ever love finding things. It’s not unheard of to unexpectedly become a part of a shopping expedition spanning anywhere from three to five towns. Sometimes all you need to do is be in the car, foolishly thinking you’re going to dinner. If you need something, by god you’re gonna get it, even if it takes all night.

This isn’t always as bad as I might be making it sound. Many times I truly appreciate the determination. Seeing a project through to its happy conclusion is certainly an admirable trait, and it’s not every day you find a pro handyman that’s also as close to a pro shopper as one can get without actually being compensated by the stores he’s patronizing. To be sure, there is certainly a lot of usefulness there.

But other times it’s little more than a thinly veiled excuse to buy crap. If Carin’s dad gets it in his head that you should have something, by god you’re gonna have it, even if it takes all night. If it looks neat or like something he thinks he might use, everybody needs one. For all the cool things we have thanks to his work, we have a surprisingly large amount of stuff kicking around here that I quite literally cannot identify. And even if a thing has been explained to me upon its arrival, I still haven’t a clue what it does or why.

We have jar openers that I was supposed to use to open my beer. They’re far too large for this purpose. Yes, I tried. Unfortunately they don’t work well as jar openers, either. they’re either not the right fit for the jars we own or they’re too slippery to get a good grip, so I wind up using man power and the spoon popping trick my mom showed me when I was younger, just like I’ve always done.

We have tongish meat flippy things that can’t possibly pick up or secure anything unless you’re really good with largely inflexible rubberish chopsticks that are attached to each other, or don’t mind getting your hand so close to the hot food trying to line it up that you might as well just barehand it. Update: Carin reminded me that grabbing and flipping was actually a secondary purpose for these things. Their primary use was as toaster tongs for getting toasted things out of your toaster. Useful, unless the thing is sticking out normally and you can use your hands, or the thing was snagged further down in which case you’re probably breaking or squashing it trying to get it back.

We have rubber oven shelf edge covers because…because we have them. I’m not even sure if he knew what they were supposed to do. I imagine they’re supposed to protect something, but what? Oven shelves are built to withstand heat, and when they’re hot you’re not supposed to be touching them. There go the two most obvious uses I can think of.

I’m not sure if Carin’s dad reads the site. I don’t think he does. Neither of our families tend to as far as I know. Maybe that’s a good thing. If he did, we’d probably end up owning some or all of these 11 Insanely Specific Kitchen Gadgets. That is, if we don’t already.

So Elizabeth A. Hoen, you’ve just successfully shoplifted three steaks from a grocery store. What are you going to do now?

Well, I think I’ll stand on this here street corner without my pants on, and when this inevitably draws the attention of the authorities I’ll put them back on and then me and my friend here will try to run away.

According to the Wausau Daily Herald, 18-year-old Elizabeth A. Hoen was arrested at around 2:00 p.m. after neighborhood residents reported a woman standing naked from the waist down on the street in front of the former Rose Garden Banquet Center.
Wausau Police Department spokesperson Lt. Michael Juedes said that when police arrived, Hoen had put her pants back on and was in the company of an unidentified man. Both tried to run when they saw the officers. Hoen was caught by the police, but her companion was not.
In her purse, officers found three beefsteaks from nearby Kohlman and Lee’s Grocery. Juedes said that the store’s owner confirmed that the merchandise had been stolen and that security camera footage placed Hoen in the store.

She’s been charged with shoplifting and resisting arrest, and a bond hearing has been scheduled for April 11th.

When I saw the title of the story This Edible Lamp Is Actually Good Enough to Eat, I was struck by one very simple question. Why am I wanting to eat a lamp? The thought had never crossed my mind, and now that it has, I’m in serious need of a way to make it unhappen.

“When the lamp is no longer useful or desired, the lighting strip is removed and the lamp may be eaten or thrown into the garden as compost.”
The lamp’s LED light source attaches to the main frame using adhesive plastic strips, and power is supplied along laser-cut metal lines from either mains or a computer. In order to eat it the electrical components must be removed, before the lamp itself is cleaned and then submerged in pure water for an hour so that it can soften up.
“The consistency after soaking the lamp in water for an hour is like wet Gummy Bears,” explains Vetterlein.

Mmmmmmm.

It comes in four wet gummy flavours, because the kind of person who’s going to chow down on a lamp is probably going to be picky about his food choices. There’s orange, cherry, blueberry and apple. What, it doesn’t come in lamp?

If you’re looking for one of these, you’re after something called Bite Me. Funny, that sounds similar to what I’d say to anyone who suggests I eat a lamp.

So, we can add driveways to the list of things you wouldn’t think people could steal. Yup, 300 square feet of pavers just dug up in broad daylight and trucked away. That takes balls. The only thing that saved them was the victim had had legitimate construction folks building a barn on the property, so when people saw the load of pavers leaving, they didn’t think it was weird.

My only question is why would you steal a chunk of someone’s driveway?

While I was off having not the greatest of holiday Monday’s for reasons Carin has already mentioned, this was busy landing in my inbox. Thanks, Brother Brad!

The other day I was watching the Hamilton news, and they, for some reason, did a story on a woman from Arkensaw who started a very unusual business. Unusual is not the first word that came to mind when I saw this. It just goes to show how completely and utterly retarded the human race is becoming. Not like we didn’t already know this.

Anyway, this woman is making chicken diapers. Why in the holy hell would someone do this, you ask? Well, it seems that chickens are becoming increasingly popular as pets. Who knew, right? I guess in Arkensaw, most anything goes.

Anyway, the diapers in question are made of cloth, and have straps that go over the shoulders of the chicken, at the top of the wings, and have a strap-type band running between the legs.

If you want to order some  of these little displays of injenuity, you can go to ChickenDiapers.com, where they boast a variety of colours and sizes for very reasonable prices. 

I don’t know if it’s just me, but in my mind chickens are farm animals. Sure I know people have birds in the house, a budgie, lovebird, even a cockatoo or something, but a chicken?

The website says that a bunch of friends of Diaperwoman were sick of cleaning the chicken shit out of their carpets, but did not want to toss their beloved little darlings out in to the cruel world, so something had to be done.

To each their own, I guess.

For now, I’ll keep my chickens either in the barn, or on a plate with mashed potatoes and gravy.

I just finished a really nice dinner, and this is about the furthest thing from what I needed to see.

Burger King wants to lure customers this summer with a barbecue party — and a bacon sundae.

The world’s second biggest hamburger chain on Thursday is launching several pork, beef and chicken sandwiches as limited time offers. And for a sweet ending, the company is also offering a bacon sundae — vanilla soft serve with fudge, caramel, bacon crumbles and a piece of bacon — that started in Nashville, Tenn. earlier this year.

The salty-sweet dessert clocks in at 510 calories, 18 grams of fat and 61 grams of sugar.

The calorie and sugar counts are fine and dandy, but what does it measure in buh-fucking-arf units? Jesus!

Thank you Amanda for ruining my day, my week and my quite a long time after that with this, which I sure as hell hope turns out to be some kind of weird hoax.

In what’s being called an attempt to raise awareness of sexual minorities, an artist from Japan cooked up a ballsack buffet and served it to what can only be described as crazy people. Who’s pecker did he prepare, you may wonder. Um…well…his own!

ao Sugiyama, 22, had his genitals removed in early April. They were initially frozen, then defrosted and cooked for customers at an event on April 13.

Sugiyama charged diners 20,000 yen ($250) for the dish. He cooked the genitals himself, under the supervision of a professional chef.

Diners were required to sign a waiver releasing Sugiyama and the event organizers from any liability arising from eating the genitals.

As if that’s not enough, he also wanted to serve up his nipples, but his attempt to burn them off with Sodium hydroxide was unsuccessful.

Even as I’m writing this I can’t help but think I’m being had, but a little more digging has unearthed this more detailed story from the AFP. the dates are different, but there are comments from police and the man(?) himself, pulled from his Twitter and email.

And just in case you want to hear more about what was served, here ya go. No, I don’t care if you want to hear more or not. I had to, so you’re suffering along.

Diners paid 20,000 yen ($250) for the plate with a portion of genitals. Pictures published on a website appeared to show the meal came complete with mushrooms and a parsley garnish.

The painter, who is reportedly 22, said on Twitter the organ had been removed by a physician and certified to be free of infections.

How is this legal? Why are people not being arrested left and right for cooking and eating the left and the right? Well, there appears to be no law against cannibalism in Japan, so the cops are content to just let it go without looking into it.

Oh, how I wish I was as smart as those cops.

>I’ll admit it. I could stand to lose a few pounds. A few more than a few, to be completely honest. But if this is what I’d have to resort to to do it, I’ll happily remain my jolly, slightly doughy self.

Brides-to-be looking to shed that final 10, 15 or 20 pounds in order to fit into their dream wedding gown have taken a controversial approach to crash dieting that involves inserting a feeding tube into their noses for up to 10 days for a quick fix to rapid weight loss.

The K-E diet, which boasts promises of shedding 20 pounds in 10 days, is an increasingly popular alternative to ordinary calorie-counting programs. The program has dieters inserting a feeding tube into their nose that runs to the stomach. They’re fed a constant slow drip of protein and fat, mixed with water, which contains zero carbohydrates and totals 800 calories a day. Body fat is burned off through a process called ketosis, which leaves muscle intact, Dr. Oliver Di Pietro of Bay Harbor Islands, Fla., said.

Nope, doesn’t sound unsafe at all. Not even the part where you’re not hungry and don’t eat for 10 days while you’re traipsing around with your drip bag. Sure there are the small matters of feeling so lethargic that you can’t go for a 30 minute walk, constipation due to lack of fibre and the warning that you shouldn’t do this if you have kidney problems, but who cares as long as you look nice, right?

This sounds like a 1000 Ways To Die segment just waiting to happen. They wouldn’t even have to write an annoying person backstory because we already have one. Seriously, just listen to this woman.

“I don’t have all of the time on the planet just to focus an hour and a half a day to exercise so I came to the doctor, I saw the diet, and I said, ‘You know what? Why not? Let me try it. So I decided to go ahead and give it a shot,” she said.

Schnaider said she was never hungry throughout the 10 days she was on the K-E diet, but admits that it still wasn’t easy.

“It was emotionally difficult, the 10 days of not eating,” Schnaider said. “And sometimes I had to give excuses to people who were asking are you sick? And I was like, ‘No, I’m not sick, I’m not dying, I’m fine.’

“I was tired. I didn’t feel like exercising. The doctor told me that if you can compliment with walking for a half an hour on the beach, that would be great, but I didn’t feel like doing that. I’m a very energetic person, but those days I was a little tired.”

I don’t know who I want to stab in the eye more after reading that, me or her.

Actually wait, it’s definitely her. Her and anybody else willing to part with $1,500 for this. Those walks you’re too drained for and not eating like shitcrap are much cheaper alternatives. And unless you get hit by a car or choke on something, they won’t kill you, either.

>There are many, but here is just one sign that your new boyfriend may not be that into you.

You’re at the movies. He pays your way in, you pay for some food. Aww, cooperation is so nice. During your film, he asks if he can borrow your keys so he can run out real quick and grab something he needs from the car. You give him the keys and go back to enjoying the movie. Time passes and he doesn’t return. You leave the theatre and your car is gone. You give your new love a call and quickly discover that he’s driven off in it and doesn’t plan on coming back. Well, unless the words “Ha ha I stole your car” mean something different to the kids these days he doesn’t.

Such is the tale of Michael Pratt. He pulled this stunt on Sarah Bush, a woman he had been dating for approximately two weeks.

But instead of getting her car, he ended up getting Enterprise’s car, which may or may not have been why he called her later to tell her where he had left it.

He’s been charged with felony grand theft and is currently cooling his heels in the Pasco County jail until he comes up with somebody who’s willing to part with $5000. He probably would have had that money, but movies ain’t cheap these days.

>I saw this a while ago, and have been meaning to write about it.

Some japanese scientists have invented a robotic guide dog. What I don’t get about this is they say they invented it due to the rapidly aging population. So…there aren’t enough guide dogs to go around? Is that the reason? Why would a robot be more useful due to the rapidly aging population?

For some reason I find it weird that they made a robotic dog, especially since they gave it a synthetic female voice. Why make it a dog at that point?

And aren’t you just swapping one set of problems for another? Sure dogs get sick and have injuries and off days, but robots can run out of battery power, and wouldn’t it suck if your guide bot ran out of juice in the middle of the street? Or what if one of the sensors designed to detect things failed? The difference between real dogs and machines is real dogs have a desire for self-preservation.

I don’t know about you, but I think I’ll stick with the living breathing guide dog.