Category: why?

It’s So Nice To Be Out, Just The Two Of Us. What’s That Honey? I Was Pretending I Was Somewhere Better

As I sit here, thinking yet again that maybe I’m just getting old, it strikes me that while I know many types of people from many different age groups, I have yet to meet a single one who either finds or would admit to finding that a nice dinner out with friends or a loved one isn’t fulfilling enough and would be greatly improved by everyone wearing virtual reality gear on their heads like a bunch of goddamned idiots. Seriously, if I ever meet a person who willingly pays to do something like this for any reason other than it’s his job to test this crap, it’s going to be very hard not to hit him until his stupid goggles fly off and take his head with them. Eat your food and talk to your friends like a properly adjusted human being, you fucking dick.

You dine on the first course of the meal in a garden in Tuscany, surrounded by flowers with a winery in the distance. You adjust your Samsung Gear VR glasses as a cool wind blows and you catch the rich fragrance of the gardens. But when your main course arrives, you now find yourself underwater with dolphins playing and fish swimming. Your Italian table setting has been transformed into an underwater experience and the light in the room has changed to reflect the underwater scene. You can even see bubbles arising from your drinks and water splashes on the table in 3D.
Now imagine that all of this occurred without leaving the Ibiza hotel, or the seat you were in. The magic you see, hear, taste, smell and feel comes from virtual reality technology. By using Samsung Gear VR, restaurants can take the already sensory experience of dining to a new level. While there is a wow factor to using this cutting-edge technology, the impact of virtual reality is a natural fit for restaurants that want to create a complete experience around a meal, not just serve a plate of food.

At best this is a gimmicky way for bad restaurants to cover up worse food, but let’s call it what it is. It’s a terrible idea. One we should, now that we’ve had our moment with it, kill with indifference. And fire. Yes, kill it with fire.

Well, There’s A Joke Ruined

It’s been a while since I’ve gotten one, but I know that those lists of supposedly unanswerable questions still float around email and whatnot pretty regularly. You know, the ones filled with items like “Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?” They’re designed to be clever and funny and some of them are…at least until a guy from Mental Floss goes and starts answering them, at which point they start making sense.

Turns out that kamikaze pilots didn’t quite wear helmets proper, but what they did wear served multiple purposes, such as regulating temperature or preventing head injuries and deafness because they didn’t always die on every mission.

What a helmet, or even a softer leather flight cap, is good for is protecting a pilot’s head from getting knocked by the cockpit canopy during high-speed, mid-air maneuvering, like the kind you have to do to avoid gunfire while nosediving into a ship.
Couple this with the fact that kamikazes sometimes had to abort their missions before the explosive finale due to turbulence, weather or visibility issues, and the pilots’ protective headgear becomes much more apparent as an aid to help them complete their mission, not necessarily survive it.

The more you know.

He Got Shot With A What?

I know this happened a month ago, in fact 4 weeks ago tomorrow, so isn’t exactly current, but I have to write about it, because it freaked me right the hell out when it happened, and when something freaks me right the hell out, sometimes it’s good to write about it. So off we go.

Just because this song has chased me whenever I think about this topic, have a listen.

So yeah, I’m sure anyone around here, or anyone who knows me knows exactly what I’m going to talk about.

For the rest of you, here’s the short version. On the morning of October 5, the story goes that Michael Gibbon was taking his usual early morning walk, when out of nowhere, ptwaaaaong, he got hit in the chest with an arrow. He collapsed in someone else’s yard, was taken to hospital much later, and died. For days, nobody had any answers or clues as to who would do this or why this would happen. Police were searching, stopping people on the nearby streets, trying their best to figure this out, but even they couldn’t tell us if it was targeted or random.

Then, a week or 2 later, they pulled over a dude for a traffic stop, and the dude whipped out a pellet gun and shot a police officer in the face! Huh? So they took him into custody, and it came out that he was one of many persons of interest in this whole arrow thing. after a few days, he was charged with Gibbon’s murder.

Aside: Please don’t think I’m making fun of this. I can’t even imagine what his family is going through.

It’s weird. When I write it like that, somehow it fails to capture the way things felt for those few days, maybe because everything feels all neatly bundled up and tied together. But during those days where nobody knew anything, I’m not going to lie, it entered my mind a lot. I wouldn’t say it changed my behaviour, but it made me be a little more vigilant. Once, while I was waiting for my ride at an office across from one of the high schools that was put into hold and secure, I heard a sound that resembled gasping, hickupping and maybe someone doing push-ups. I never found out who or what was making that sound, but my first thought was “Is that the sound you would make if shot with an arrow?”

It also made me try to analyze why this bothered me so much. People get randomly shot all the time, but I don’t worry about myself. Is it because I don’t hear about as many shootings in Kitchener? But I’m sure there have been people shot. I don’t remember walking down the street wondering if I should worry.

Is it because I know the area where it happened, and have walked there from work? Maybe, especially since the area that got locked down reached not too super far from work.

Is it because it’s a freaking arrow, and who the hell does that? But really, should that matter, except for the idea that arrows are reeeally quiet? Is it more the idea that it’s something that could happen without warning? I could be walking down the road, and suddenly get hit and not even know what the hell happened?

Or is it the fact that it seemed to be completely random? We humans always want a reason for something to happen. Did the attacker and the victim know each other? Were they into drugs or gangs or something else shady? Somehow, knowing that makes the rest of us feel safer, as horrible as that is. But by the sounds of this, we have no idea why Gibbon got hit. For all we know, the attacker just wanted to watch someone go down. Writing that sends chills down my spine.

Or is it all of the above? I’m starting to think it is. I definitely have to say that this story is one of the weirder things I’ve had happen close to me.

So what’s the point of writing all of this, aside from hopefully rationalizing this so it makes sense? I don’t know. I guess I wonder if I’m weird. I hope not. I’d like to think I’m rational and logical, but when things like this happen, I have to wonder just how rational and logical I really am.

Who The Hell Drives Around With A Lit Candle?

I can’t come up with a better title for this than that, because honest to god I have no idea why anyone would have a lit candle in their car. But somebody did. Even more amazingly, this somebody decided that a gas station would be a fine destination for herself and her open flame. Well, maybe that part isn’t that amazing, because why wouldn’t the sort of person who drives around with a lit candle in her cup holder in the first place be the same person who pumps gas and then goes inside to pay all without blowing it out? What happened next is about what you would expect, minus the fatalities.

A woman’s car, which had a lit candle inside, became engulfed in flames at a Florida gas station Wednesday afternoon.

ActionNewsJax reported the woman went into the Lake City gas station just after 2 p.m. when a customer rushed inside and alerted everyone the woman’s car was on fire, according to Columbia County Sheriff’s Office Public Information Officer Murray Smith.

The Columbia County Fire Department responded to the Spires Super Market and Citgo gas station and was able to extinguish the fire. The car and a surrounding gas pump were damaged.

No charges were laid against the unidentified woman and police say they’re treating it as an accident.

Um, no. A fender bender is an accident. Some of you might have been an accident. Damaging property because you’re taking a candle on a field trip is either vandalism or arson. Calling this your every day, run of the mill accident is pretty much the most Florida thing ever. Dangerous and irresponsible, in other words.

Abandoned In A Ditchbot

Remember last year when I wrote about Hitchbot? For a while, Hitchbot did really well, going all the way across Canada, Germany and the Netherlands, and I was impressed. Maybe we humans aren’t such assholes.

Then it went to the states, and…someone ended its journey rather violently. Someone ripped off its arms and removed its head, then snapped a picture of the abandoned remains lying on a Philadelphia street.

Why would anyone destroy a helpless little robot? Would it not shut up? Did it get picked up by a conspiracy theorist who didn’t like all its photo-taking and tweeting? Did it just meet an asshole?

Very very sad. Well, it did have a good year I guess.

Dice My Onions, Or I Might Go Snaky!

I was going to write about this on Monday, but my computer had other plans.

If I wrote this post on Monday, I would have said that I think I’m winning the battle with Captain Nameless Illness, but I’m not completely sure anymore. At any rate, it’s still robbing me of creativity because when I saw this story, my first thought was “Meh, not doing much for me.” I showed it to Steve and he said “excuse me? Not doing it for you? I have so many questions!” I looked at it again, and realized that yeah, I have some too, as a matter of fact.

So, the story goes that early in the morning, two strange fellows walked into a Tim Hortons in Saskatoon. They ordered some kind of sandwich, and one of them got into an argument with the person working at Tim Hortons about how he wanted his onions. He wanted the employee to dice them for him. this argument got more heated, until he rreached into his friend’s jacket pocket, pulled out a small snake and hurled it behind the counter at the employee. Some craziness ensued, police were called, and the dudes and the snake were taken away.


Let’s start with the most basic question. This is a Tim Hortons. why the hell would they be debating with the worker about how they want their onions cut? You get onions the way they make them, and that’s that. this kind of reminds me of something I saw in a Subway shop. This woman started loudly insisting that the guy making sandwiches change his gloves. I guess if she was deathly alergic to something he just handled, then I understand, but otherwise, what the hell?

Second, who walks around with a snake in their jacket pocket? Maybe if you’re 8 or something, you mmight walk around with a frog in your pocket, but these guys were 20 and it was 7 or so in the morning, at least I think I read that in another story.

Finally, what kind of strange relationship do these guys have where guy A can just reach into guy B’s coat and take something out and throw it? Or are they not friends anymore?

very very strange.

I Thought An Artisanal” Ice Cube Was A Popsicle

Dear god. Please tell me that people are not seriously willing to pay an extra dollar to have a bartender plunk an “artisanal” ice cube into their drinks.

A Manhattan will set you back $14 at forthcoming downtown restaurant and bar Second State. Want it on the rocks? That will be a dollar more—for a total of $15.
The Pennsylvania-themed spot, which is set to open in the former Mighty Pint space at 1831 M St. NW on Oct. 21, will be the first place in D.C. with an ice surcharge listed on its cocktail menu. (Most bars eat the cost or build it into the price of the drink.) Granted, these are no freezer-burned, generic tray cubes. This is the fancy, unclouded artisanal stuff from D.C.’s boutique ice company, Favourite Ice, founded by local bartenders Owen Thomson and Joseph Ambrose. Second State bartenders will chip off the eight corners for a more spherical shape that sits in the glass like an iceberg.
“It’s worth it,” says bar manager Phil Clark. “When it goes into a cocktail, it’s crystal clear. It’s purified water, so there’s no minerally taste.”

Jesus Christ.

The only way I’m paying these dickheads any money for frozen water is if I get a douche lord on board bumper sticker I can slap on the back of my Big Wallet, Small Penismobile with every purchase.

Suck It, Time Changes!

I’m a pretty easygoing fellow most of the time, but if ever you want to get me wound up and angry, you only need to say two words.

Time change.

Holy fuck on a flaming pole do I hate time changes. It doesn’t matter if we’re talking about the one this weekend or the one in October or November or wherever the hell they moved it this year, I despise it with the furious burning of a thousand suns.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this here before, but time changes always, and I do mean always, mess me up something fierce. While most of you are getting pissed about losing an hour of sleep, I’ve already been awake for the last three trying to figure out where those other 2 sumbitches fucked off to. While the rest of you are enjoying your extra hour of sleep, I’m trying to figure out why in the good happy Christ I’ve spent the extra hour and then some awake trying to figure out why it’s so stupidly early. And it’s not just that one day, either. It usually takes me at least a week to get myself back on what passes for track around here.

And why? What benefits are we getting out of all this clock monkeying? I can’t think of a single one. Other than perhaps tricking a person or two into thinking there’s more light for a few days or some shit, we’re accomplishing exactly nothing here. Ok, nothing aside from pissing off literally everyone.


For generations, farmers have been rising with the sun to tend to their crops and animals. Farms operate on strict feeding, milking, watering and harvesting schedules, which can be thrown out of whack with biannual time changes.

That’s why farmers across Canada have opposed daylight time, and rural swaths of Saskatchewan pushed the province to leave the clocks alone year-round. Time for the rest of the country to follow Saskatchewan’s example?

Farmer’s, for Christ’s sake! The very people we’re supposed to be doing this for according to every single person who has ever tried to sensibly explain it to me. When the beneficiaries of your generosity are collectively telling you “gee, you really shouldn’t have,” it’s time to dig out the receipt and see about getting a refund, I think.

I don’t expect an end to this nonsense anytime soon, so for now I’ll just listen to this here tune a few times and then head for the pub and try to calm myself down with a beer or four.

I feel better already.

There Is A Google Glass Sex App. Oh, And Some Other Stuff Happened, Too

I’ve seen a lot in the news about Google Glass, but to be honest, I haven’t paid that much attention to any of it. That is, until today when a couple of stories caught my eye.

But before we get into those, I’m sure some of you are wondering Steve, what the hell is Google Glass? A good question that we’ll turn to Wikipedia to answer.

Google Glass is a wearable computer with an optical head-mounted display (OHMD) that is being developed by Google in the Project Glass research and development project, with a mission of producing a mass-market ubiquitous computer. Google Glass displays information in a smartphone-like hands-free format, that can communicate with the Internet via natural language voice commands.

While the frames do not currently have lenses fitted to them, Google is considering partnerships with sunglass retailers such as Ray-Ban or Warby Parker, and may also open retail stores to allow customers to try on the device.

Long story short, they’re fancy glasses that can do all kinds of crap. They can take pictures and video, they can give you directions, they can let you read your email…essentially it’s a smartphone for your head. It all sounds very futuristic and even a bit cool, but I’m not sure I’m quite at a point in my life where I want to have public conversations with my headgear.

So now that you’re up to speed, let’s get to the news.

Both stories involve someone getting screwed. First up, by the movie industry and the FBI.

A man in a movie theatre wearing a switched off Google Glass because he had paid for lenses to make them into his actual glasses was intimidated out of his movie and questioned for hours “voluntarily” of course because officials were convinced he was filming it.

“About an hour into the movie, a guy comes near my seat, shoves a badge that had some sort of a shield on it, yanks the Google Glass off my face and says ‘follow me outside immediately’. It was quite embarrassing and outside of the theater there were about 5-10 cops and mall cops,” the man told Gadgeteer.

After trying to establish the official’s identity and authority (and trying to get his property back), the man was put firmly in his place.

“You see all these cops, you know we are legit, we are with the ‘federal service’ and you have been caught illegally taping the movie,” he was told.

His protests that this was a big misunderstanding only led to the couple being split up and taken to different rooms. The man was searched and his wallet plus work and personal phones (both off) were taken away from him.

“What followed was over an hour of the ‘feds’ telling me I am not under arrest, and that this is a ‘voluntary interview’, but if I choose not to cooperate bad things may happen to me,” he explained.

“They wanted to know who I am, where I live, where I work, how much I’m making, how many computers I have at home, why am I recording the movie, who am I going to give the recording to, why don’t I just give up the guy up the chain, ’cause they are not interested in me. Over and over and over again.”

And then yet more paranoia. Even though the Google Glass was switched off the man wasn’t allowed to touch the device out of fear he would “erase the evidence.” The FBI also asked some pretty strange questions.

“Then they wanted to know what does Google ask of me in exchange for Glass, how much is Google paying me, who is my boss and why am I recording the movie,” he explained.

Eventually somebody thought to do the obvious and hook the glasses up to a laptop. It didn’t take long to figure out that oops, we’ve been hastling this poor fellow and his wife for no reason.

And then Bob Hope gave him free movie tickets for his trouble. Seriously.

“A guy who claimed his name is Bob Hope (he gave me his business card) came in the room, and said he was with the Movie Association and they have problems with piracy at that specific theater and that specific movie. He gave me two free movie passes ‘so I can see the movie again’,” a gesture that was subsequently upped to four passes after the revelation that AMC had called him first and he’d decided to escalate the matter to the FBI.

Knowing all too well the pace at which the feds and big entertainment understand and adopt new technology, cases like this are going to get worse before they get better.

And now, people getting screwed by the dorkiest dorks to ever dork.

There is a sex filming app. No, you shut up.

It’s all designed to make sex a little bit better, the developers said.

Unless it can keep you from going off in 12 seconds or ensure that you’re doing it with a living thing not attached to the end of your own arm, you’re doing this sex thing all wrong, fellas.

“We asked ourselves: ‘How can we make sex more awesome with Google Glass?” This is our answer. Our intention is to make the physical better. We stand more of the “real stuff”. And less Skype sex.”

Just don’t get your hopes up for many repeat dates, I suspect.

But it gets…better?

The app also offers a bit of help along the way.

Unimaginative lovers can mutter “OK glass, give me ideas” for a few suggestions on which part to fondle at any given time, as well as asking Glass to play a certain kind of music.

At the end of the session, the horny Glasshole can just say “OK glass, pull out” to end the filming.

No, that’s definitley not better. Not better at all.

And no, this is not satire, not unless more than one generally credible source is being hoaxed.

Can we agree that technology has officially gotten out of hand?