Sir, You’ve Got The Wrong Number. But Officer, You’ve Got The Wrong Idea

Jeff Lytle may or may not have just learned a very important lesson. I say may or may not because when you start off from a position of such overt yet preventable dipshittery, the capacity for learning is by no means guaranteed.

The arrest came after Lytle tried to reach out to a hitman named “Shayne” about killing his family in order to cash in on a $1.5 million life insurance policy, news station KIRO reported. The texts include his wife’s work schedule and to make the murder look like a “robbery gone wrong or make it a accident.”
“You remember you said that you would help me kill my wife,” Lytle wrote. “I’m going to take you up on that offer.”
However, Lytle mixed up the contact for his hitman with his former boss. The former employer called police, who arrested Lytle at his home on Wednesday in Monroe, Washington.

And Lytle, who has since been charged with two counts of criminal solicitation for first-degree murder, wasn’t done marching in the dumbfuck parade just yet.

Showing that he’s as good at making excuses as he is at making sure he’s texting the right person, Lytle told investigators that while what they were seeing may look like him trying to have his family killed, that’s not what was happening at all. What they were actually looking at, he said, was simply him venting some frustration in the form of unsent draft text messages. You know, because who hasn’t drawn up detailed murder plans by texts in a random window in a fit of rage, am I right? As for how they went from unsent text messages to sent ones, that’s probably on his daughter who, let us not forget, he totally doesn’t want to kill at all, never ever ever.

Bail has been set at $1 million. Shockingly no one has posted it, but maybe that’s down to him screwing up the number when he made his one phone call and not that whole contracting someone to kill his loved ones thing.

Uncover Letter

Call me out of touch, old fashioned, whatever you like. But for some foolish reason, I still like to think that in my world, there live a few people smart enough not to keep naked pictures of themselves on their phones. Naked pictures of themselves that they might later accidentally text to the human resources manager down at the company that’s offering them a job, for instance. Er…make that the company that had been offering them a job, because shockingly, human resources managers don’t take kindly to unsolicited naked selfies from applicants.

The human resources manager informed Elmhurst police of the incident on Aug. 14, according to police records.
The HR manager reported that the man sent her two nude photographs of himself via text between Aug. 11 and Aug. 13, according to the police report.
“There was a conditional offer of employment made to this particular applicant,” Elmhurst Police Chief Michael Ruth said. “He texted the HR director and sent a nude photo of himself.”
When the man followed up the next morning with a phone call, Ruth said, company officials saw the number on the caller ID and realized he was the nude selfie sender.

When questioned, the unidentified man admitted to sending the texts, saying they were meant for someone else.

No charges were filed over the incident, which is a lucky break for our hero and his slippery fingers since paying a lawyer just got a lot more difficult.

Save Money, Confess To Murder

It comes from all the way back in 2014, but this is quite the story. Perhaps the craziest wrong number tale we’ll ever write about.

Detective Alicia Marquez of Arizona’s Winslow Police Department said Monday she met Gibson shortly after 7:30 a.m. one morning last June. He was sitting in the police department’s lobby, scared and sobbing, and said he wanted to talk about a crime he committed more than a decade before.
He told Marquez a bizarre tale: He met a woman in Bullhead City, Ariz., late one night. They went back to his trailer. She became loud and obnoxious. He told her to leave and she wouldn’t. He finally bludgeoned her to death with a Maglite flashlight, dumped her body by the Colorado River and kept quiet for years.

So what made him finally confess after all this time? Misdirected texts from Walmart, apparently.

The 55-year-old told the detective that he began receiving text messages and voice mails from Walmart telling an Anita Townshed that her prescription was ready. A search of public databases by the Observer shows three women in North Carolina with similar names, including one living in Watauga County.
Gibson later received an envelope with a Walmart advertisement in it but no return name or address. He felt someone was monitoring his calls, he said.
Gibson’s conclusion: Townshed must have been the woman he killed. Now he felt someone might have put “a contract on his head.”

He didn’t find out until he’d driven all the way across the country that Anita Townshed wasn’t the woman’s name and that had he not walked in and said he did it, police likely would have never figured it out since the name Matthew Gibson had never once come up during the investigation. But even after learning these things, he still wanted to plead guilty and start serving his sentence right away.

I don’t know what the moral of this story is (That your conscience will always get you in the end? That even when Walmart does something of value they’re still pretty much incompetent?), But whatever you take from it, it really is a hell of a thing.

History Of The NORAD Santa Tracker

I always heard about the NORAD Santa tracker, it was a thing since I was a kid. But since it was always there, I never looked into its history. Now I’ve learned that its history is kind of cute.

I guess a newspaper mistakenly printed a top secret military hotline as a talk to Santa line. So this colonel kept getting calls from 5-year-olds. And the NORAD Santa tracker was born.

Doesn’t that make you feel all warm and fuzzy?

You Have Some Weed? You Have Two Years?

Good news: Alvin Cross Junior doesn’t have to worry about being on probation anymore.
Bad news: Because he’s going back to prison.

Prosecutors said Cross’ probation officer received a text from Cross asking, “You have some weed?”
Probation officers and drug agents raided Cross’ home and found a bag of cocaine.

Cross plead guilty to a charge of possession of cocaine. He was sentenced to a year for that, plus another year for the pretty obvious probation violation.

Slapchat

High school soccer coach Jeffrey M. Sirois made a short Snapchat video demonstrating a few of his best ball handling techniques, intending to send it to his girlfriend. But in what appears to be one of the worst cases of oops, wrong window in the history of the world, he accidentally sent it to members of his team. He is now former high school soccer coach Jeffrey M. Sirois.

In an interview with state police, Sirois said he never intentionally sent anything inappropriate to his players.
“I was attempted to send a video of myself in which I was masturbating,” according to the warrant. “I was making the video to send to my girlfriend. It is something she and I occasionally do.”
He told the troopers that after he sent the video, he checked to see if his girlfriend received it and found she didn’t. He said he then checked to see where he went and realized he sent it to everyone in his group on Snapchat, according to the warrant.
“I immediately realized my mistake and removed the video about 15 seconds later,” he told police, according to the warrant.
On the video, the players who viewed it did not see Sirois’s face, but noticed the couch he was sitting on and the area around it. Sirois allowed state police into his house to confirm the furniture in the video was in his house, and then described for them how he made the video.

I kind of feel bad for the guy, because you really do get the sense reading the story that it was a genuine mistake. Unfortunately for him it’s also serving as a pretty expensive and humiliating reminder to always double or triple check where something you don’t need anybody seeing is going, heat of the moment or not. He’s already out his job and the $100000 it took to bail himself out of jail after he was hit with charges of obscenity, risk of injury to a minor and breach of peace.

When The Police Tell You You Have The Wrong Number, They’re Probably Right

And now, today’s reminder to always make sure you’re calling the right person. Yes, police do like prostitutes, but not usually in the way you’re intending, Mr. Pimp Guy.

Police in Middletown, Conn., arrested a man and woman after the couple allegedly called an on-duty police officer and offered up a prostitute.

According to police, John Tosta, 41, mistakenly dialed an undercover detective with the Middletown Police Street Crime Narcotics Unit Thursday afternoon around 5:30 p.m.

The detective initially told Tosta he had the wrong number, but Tosta insisted that he believed he had called the same number the day before, and that the caller was looking for a girl, according to the arrest affidavit.

The officer, as any smart cop would, decided that this Tosta fellow wasn’t out of his mind after all and the two worked out a deal that would see him get a half hour with the girl for $100.

But it gets better.

Tosta called the same wrong number again with an exact meeting place, just like he said he would in the first call. There was a meeting, but there were more customers than Tosta and Lea Fuller (the 30 minute girl on offer) had bargained for. Oddly, all of these customers were dressed in police uniforms.

they arrested both after some running and struggling, and have charged them with various offences. At last word, both were being held on $10,000 bond.

If Beth Gets A Snuggy As A Wedding Present, We All Know Why

Here’s another example of what could happen if you text the wrong number, and you’re…really dumb. Your exchange could get put up on a blog for all to see. At first I thought this was made up, but I don’t think someone could make up this amount of dumb. it continued the next day!

What was really weird about this Jane person was she kept going between realizing she wasn’t talking to Amanda, and then lapsing back into asking about wedding gifts. Um…just how out to lunch is she?

So…if you’re texting, check the number! Now I’m hoping I get a stranger text. Maybe the one who said they got our number from Johnny 1 nut will text me.

You’re Gonna Score Me Some Drugs? Wow, What A Trooper! Oh Wait, You Really Are A Trooper

Let’s start today by adding this fellow to the wrong number files.

Yes, Aaron Sartin. The police probably do have lots of drugs hanging around. But unless you luck into a corrupt one, they generally get them from guys like you, not sell them to guys like you.

The Nebraska State Patrol said that one of its troopers started getting text messages last week from a person who was looking to buy drugs. The trooper continued to correspond through text messages until a meeting place was set up.

The trooper, dressed in civilian clothes, arrived at the agreed upon location and arrested 23-year-old Aaron Sartin of Kearney, Nebraska, police said.

And he apparently didn’t really need to buy drugs anyway, judging from his list of charges. driving under the influence of drugs, possession of less than an ounce of marijuana and possession of drug paraphernalia. Police also say more charges are pending.

>If Drug Dealing School Exists, Maybe It’s Time To Think About Adding A Text The Right Damn Person Class

>Amy R. Horman
Pandora L. Cowgur
There are a lot of things I don’t understand. One of them is how criminals, drug dealing ones specifically, manage to text the authorities with sales offers on a semi-regular basis. Is it common to have cops in your contacts, or are that many people simply that unlucky?

Perhaps we should ask Amy R. Horman and Pandora L. Cowgur for their opinion, since an arrant text from Horman to an employee of the Perry County, Missouri Sheriff’s Department made them the latest to be qualified to offer one up.

The police weren’t interested in buying anything, but they were more than happy to search for it. That search netted them about 3 quarters of a pound of marijuana, rolling papers and packaging along with some scales. It netted Horman charges of felony distribution of a controlled substance and misdemeanor unlawful use of drug paraphernalia. Cowgur got felony possession of a controlled substance, misdemeanor possession of up to 35 grams of marijuana and misdemeanor unlawful use of drug paraphernalia. Sounds like everybody scored huge.

I have to ask. When these two get their one phone call, who’s going to make sure the number is right?