Helping A Searcher Out, A Little Too Late

This came in as a search.

“Will Tansy hurt dogs?”

Hmmm! Interesting question. Depends on how much rough play your dog can handle! I don’t think she would mean to, but I think she could do some damage if not monitored.

Oh…you meant the Tansy plant? Oh. I don’t know, but this website seems to say yes. It doesn’t sound like your dog would die, but you might want to get poochers outside a little faster if they asked to go. And make sure you have lots of cleaning stuff. Yuck!

I heard about a cool service that might be faster and more reliable at answering questions like this than googling. I don’t know if it works in Canada, but in the states it does. It’s the pet poison control line. Call 800-:213-6680

There’s a charge, but the charge seems like peanuts compared to rushing to an emergency vet. I’ve heard good things about the line, so hey, why not have it in ye old tool kit?

So I’ve now learned a little more about the Tansy flower. Gees Tans, your namesake has given you a horrible reputation!

You Are Here?

So it seems we haven’t done this since the end of last May. Wow. But I’ve been keeping an eye out for good searches as much as I possibly can since then, so let’s see what’s been on your minds.

26 May, Thu, 14:32:32
Google:
how to make fun of molson canadian

I’m going to make the safe assumption that you’ve never had one. If you have, this question would not be necessary.

28 May, Sat, 05:52:42
Google:
is it true that most libras die from VD

I dunno. Ask your mom.

03 Jun, Fri, 01:13:15
Google:
petting dog’s butt danger

You could be asking a few things here. Are you wondering about the dangers associated with petting dog butts? About the possibility of the dog taking a chunk out of your butt when you pet him? About the smells that come out of dog butts sometimes? Trixie has exposed us to option 3 a time or 12 and it sure is dangerous, let me tell you.

05 Jun, Sun, 10:14:44
Google:
I have no hope

You wound up here, so this is probably true.

05 Mar, Mon, 01:23:45
Google:
how to sleep in a dumpster

So…I guess you never found the hope you wanted, eh?

10 Jun, Fri, 15:26:09
Google:
the bus is great for touching girls up

Thanks for the tip. Now if you don’t mind me asking, which of these stories is about you?

On the subject of the bus, take a look at this.

02 Jan, Mon, 10:53:26
Google:
Guelph transit sucks

06 Jan, Fri, 13:51:14
Google:
new guelph transit sucks

07 Feb, Tue, 11:30:31
Google:
guelph transit go fuck yourself

02 Jan, Mon, 20:23:58
Google:
guelph transit is being run by a dickhead

We’ve gotten and are still getting dozens of searches just like these, which shows that while these folks aren’t so great at plotting out a bus route system that makes any sense whatsoever, the Vice President of Being Consistent is in line for a hefty raise. Congratulations my friend, whoever you are.

10 Jun, Fri, 20:43:48
Google:
reasons to yell at a blind person

Allow me to direct your attention to the Molson Canadian answer near the top. Meet a few of us and you’ll answer your own question.

11 Jun, Sat, 05:21:16
AskJeeves:
bad stuff about the George Bailey Detention Center

I’ll bet you’re as great a lawyer as the dirt on Maggie Laidlaw guy is a journalist.

05 Jul, Tue, 13:57:35
Google:
“baby bullet” adult toy

I’ve seen how excited people can get about kitchen gadgets, so this isn’t as weird as it sounds.

06 Jan, Fri, 21:09:45
Google:
purple nurple cheesecake

This, on the other hand, is weirder than it sounds. I’d put money on that.

26 Jul, Tue, 12:55:00
Google:
Vomit mobile version

I can only guess this is about the time Carin projectile blarfed in the lobby of our building when we both caught that insane flu a few years ago. Thank god I’ve been around a while and have had an interesting life. Means I don’t have to worry about you people quite as much.

09 Aug, Tue, 20:02:15
Google:
i think sperm is everywere

We all think a lot of things. Now and then it’s good to keep some of them to ourselves.

12 Oct, Wed, 18:24:32
Google:
what happens if you tell siri to fuck off

If I had an iPhone I’d do it right now, but I don’t. Anybody?

05 Nov, Sat, 01:10:40
Google:
“freedom scientific” “jokes”

One of the funniest ones I can remember was called JAWS 7.1.

27 Nov, Sun, 02:01:36
Google:
effects of methamphetamine on dogs

It causes butt danger.

05 Mar, Mon, 06:24:26
Google:
what makes a good drug mule?

A cavernous ass is probably a good start.

14 Feb, Tue, 19:10:01
Google:
unleashed sex picnic with my dear doggy

I’m seriously at a loss for words right now. Look at the date on that search and make your own humour. You don’t need me.

That seems like a good place to end, possibly forever. Not sure this will ever be topped. If you’re looking for me, I’ll be somewhere trying not to think about that.

>A Fiery Search Queery

>This was searched for nearly a month ago, and I haven’t written about it. This makes me feel guilty, because someone out there somewhere searched for it, which means it’s on their mind. Not that I think they’re going to find me again, but I can always hope that maybe they will.

08 Feb, Wed, 22:32:34
Google:
can i be fired because i am getting a guide dog

The short, and really only, answer is no. At least not in the U.S. or Canada. I’m not a world expert on guide dog laws, but I’m pretty damn sure there is no legal reason where they could fire you *for* having a guide dog. Even if you worked in a place where it is actually illegal to have a dog in your work area, like in a kitchen or somewhere with human tissues or something, what they have to do is make an accommodation where the dog isn’t in the room with you and the food or tissues or stuff like that while you’re working. They can’t *fire* you for the dog.

Don’t get me wrong, if they want you gone, they can find another reason to fire you, or if your guide dog actually causes problems, such as getting into food or being aggressive or something, that can give them cause to have to do something, whether it’s saying that your dog can’t come into the premises or something, but even then, could they fire you? I don’t know, I’m not a lawyer. But that would be pretty rare and highly unlikely. All I’m saying is for whatever reason, if they’re hell bent they don’t want the dog, it may not be an easy road. But I’m pretty sure there is no legal grounds to fire you for getting a guide dog.

But don’t take my word for it. If you feel you need to talk to someone about your rights and such, and you live in the U.S. I suggest you call the NAGDU hotline on guide dog access laws. Here’s my post about them. If you live in Canada, I’d call your provincial human rights commission and allow them to direct you. If you live somewhere else, smack me a comment and I’ll see what I can find. I like sniffing out new information.

Finally, I’d like to personally smack whoever planted that seed in the brain of the person who searched for that. I’d be willing to bet money that someone told them that, and then left them to worry and wonder. If you actually want to advise someone, at least do a little digging first, please.

Good luck to our anonymous searcher on their journey.

>You Are Here?

>Here comes the same speech I make every time, only shorter.

Haven’t done this in a while. No idea how it’s gonna go. Hope it amuses somebody.

And with that out of the way, let’s see what you, the searching public, are thinking.

09 Nov, Tue, 07:42:33
Google:
“Cemetery Allows People to Be Buried By Their Pets”

That sounds scary, and like something movies should be made about.

16 Dec, Thu, 22:26:14
Google:
Could you come over here?

If I beat off over there, I might be able to manage it.

23 Jan, Sun, 19:30:29
Google:
can you come blow

Sure, as soon as I’m finished coming over there for that other guy.

31 Dec, Fri, 17:57:08
Google:
Red stuff comes out of your butt

It does? Mom, why are you warning me about personal things through Google again?

04 Apr, Mon, 11:23:56
Google:
dirt on maggie laidlaw

Thanks for checking in, you investigative journalist in training you. that, my friend, is how it’s done!

08 Apr, Fri, 13:31:58
Google:
why does the vomit comet only drop for 25 cents

We’re just trying to make a little money off of all the coming and blowing we’re doing.

08 Apr, Fri, 11:21:26
Google:
Ashley Kirilow on google maps

NO idea if you ever found what you were looking for, but since I’ve heard nothing about Ashley being killed by some maniac from the internet, I’ll assume not.

15 Apr, Fri, 00:51:48
Google:
what to do if there flasher in your neighbourhood

Flash him back. It’ll throw him off. You might even make a new friend.

28 Apr, Thu, 07:38:28
Bing.com:
vanessa fuck for sex guelph

I don’t know who Vanessa is, but fuck for sex guelph sounds like a fundraiser that’s reached its goal before it’s even started.

28 Apr, Thu, 02:52:27
Google:
i just came in her

Were you over there?

19 May, Thu, 20:11:34
Google:
how do I find out if theres a child molesters pedofile fergus ontario canada

Send your kid to the park and hope for the best?

And…we’re done. That was more fun than I thought it would be.

Enjoy your long weekend, Canadians! I know I will. I’ll enjoy it even more if it decides not to rain so much. Drinking and baseball are always that much better in the sun, so here’s hopin’.

Don’t Get Rabies, It Bites.

09 Apr, Sat, 19:00:31
Google:
where do you go for anti rabies shots

Oh dear, did someone just get chomped by a dog?

Well, if you’re in Ontario, and probably all of Canada, pop into an ER or a walk-in clinic and tell them you’ve been bitten by a dog. Even if it’s your own, and the dog has been vaccinated, they will ask you to fill out a dog bite report form. Trust me, I know. When Babs chomped down on my hand and I left a bloody puddle on that street corner, and I went to the clinic when my hand was still swolen, they had a dog bite report form for me, and fast!

If you don’t know if the dog was vaccinated, someone from Public Health will call you and tell you how to start the process of getting anti-rabies shots. I believe this is done through your doctor, but I’ve never needed them. They also tell you what kind of a time window you have, and they will be quite insistant that you get on this, because once it’s too late to get the shots, and you do get the disease, there is no hope for you.

So…hope this helps you, Mr. googling person with the nice doggy tooth marks.

Attacking A Search Queery

I saw the following search on our blog, and I felt it needed a post of its own.

04 Jan, Tue, 16:52:48
Google:
will service dogs attack

Hmmm. Why are you asking this question. Were you attacked by a service dog? Do you want your service dog to be protective? What is the reason for the question.

The thing is they *shouldn’t*. They are trained and bred to be gentle. We don’t need to be boarding a bus with a potentially vicious beast. They have to coexist with the general public, so they have to be good citizens.

But, a dog is still a dog, and shouldn’t doesn’t mean won’t ever. If it happens, though, a good handler has to ask themselves a whole pile of questions about whether that dog’s career should continue.

If you want your service dog to be aggressive, that’s the wrong attitude. It’s a service dog, not a guard dog, and the service it provides isn’t protecting you. If your service dog habitually is aggressive, it will make it harder for my service dog and I to frequent the same place. I thought I had linked to this article, but it appears I didn’t. Although a bit out of date since a service animal has been narrowed to dogs only, the aggressive behaviours mentioned in here are reasons why a service dog should never ever be trained to attack. Not only are you potentially endangering other innocent individuals, but you’re endangering all of our rights to be able to bring our service dogs in public.

And all that from a few words in a search queery, and the person who wrote it probably won’t be back.

Helpin’ Out The Searching Folk

22 Nov, Mon, 01:13:57
Google:
can dogs ride on megabus

Here’s your answer, Mr. googler.

megabus.com is unable to carry dogs or other animals, with the exception of trained service animals that allow disabled customers to perform necessary activities. Service animals must be properly harnessed and under the direct control of the customer at all times.

So pets, nope, service dogs, yep, and I know this, I’ve ridden a Megabus with the Trixter before.

>You Are Here?

>Right off the bat I need to be up front with all of you. I’ve been putting off doing this because while I’m pretty sure I’ve got enough stuff to fill out the post, I’m not sure it’s going to be all that good. I’m probably the only one, but I generally hold these things to a higher standard than most things I write here and don’t like to use the same jokes over and over again, which is hard when you’ve been at this for more than 7 years. I’m at the mercy of what people decide to punch into search engines and click on, and if they’re not original, then neither am I. But since Ro asked nicely, it’s high time I stop whining about it and start making with the funny…or at least with the as funny as possible. So if this sucks you can either blame Ro or remember that I warned you in advance, and if it’s good then I knew it all along, obviously.

14 Jan, Thu, 19:03:48
Google:
is ass grabbing a crime?

If it isn’t, it certainly should be. It will, however, get youshotin some places, which I must say I’m not totally against. By the way, you must be a lot of fun at parties and grocery stores.

14 Feb, Sun, 16:03:30
Google:
dick pound asshole

Not sure if this fellow is expressing an opinion on thepersonor sharing his love for a favourite passtime, but whatever the case, I don’t entirely disagree and stay safe, respectively.

25 Feb, Thu, 13:50:22
Google:
meaning of pounding

26 Feb, Fri, 11:33:07
Google:
smashin it

It’s nice when you guys can answer each other’s questions. See how good a feeling cooperation can be?

05 May, Wed, 20:17:21
Google:
how much guide dog a bone in a year

Think bout much as could be good what they need. Ask person know what mean you this by.

15 May, Sat, 20:50:32
Google:
movie about a guy that goes to jail and finds out who the judges son is and hes a very successful man then he frames him si they both goto jail and makes his life miserable

Does he make him more miserable than I am trying to make sense out of that mess? And yeah, I think I saw that one.

21 Jun, Mon, 09:20:22
Google:
professional poofreader

Clearly you need one. I on the ohter hnad, do not, sicne everyhting I writ is prefeckt.

06 Aug, Fri, 02:43:02
Google:
“these are your balls”

Sweet! I’d been looking for those!

24 Aug, Tue, 03:25:53
Yahoo:
john cena has abig penis

Is it bigger than Randy Orton’s?

29 Sep, Wed, 16:36:35
  Google:
i’m thirty six years old

That’s great. Want a cookie?

29 Sep, Wed, 16:00:52
Google:
steve’s feet stink

Shit, you can smell them all the way from Google?

08 Oct, Fri, 23:09:55
Google:
“i can’t feel my ears…can you ever feel your ears?”

This one seriously has me a tad concerned. Yeah, I can always feel my ears, I just reach up and touch ’em. If you can’t do that, how did you type this? And how did the doctor’s visit go? You did see a doctor about that…right?

15 Oct, Fri, 14:45:29
Google:
what can be shared with a friend

Things that can be shared with a friend include, but are not limited to:

  • beer
  • candy
  • secrets
  • ice-cream
  • AIDS
  • pizza

Hope that helps.

08 Nov, Mon, 09:48:33
Google:
ashley kirilow tap that ass

You know if you did that she’d just wind upfaking iton you. Oh, and stay classy.

08 Nov, Mon, 14:42:33
Google:
somebody is going to eat my pussy and cure my cancer

Ashley? Is that you?

You know, that wasn’t so bad. Thanks Ro for making me finally write this up, and an even bigger thanks to all of the miscreants and perverts who make it possible.

Odds And Ends And Updates

I had a few random thoughts on some things, so figured I’d throw ’em together and make a small post.

Remember back when I said I would switch Trixie’s food? Well, the switch is complete, and boy does she seem to love her new food. Holy hell. She will suck that stuff back like it’s going out of style! What’s more, she seems to have even more energy! More energy? Good grief! I’ll have to watch her weight to make sure I’m not giving her too little or too much for the next little while, but I think Trix votes we stick with the fish. Hopefully it won’t stop her up like happened the last time I got her a fish-based food.

The one art I haven’t mastered is switching at just the right time. I don’t want to start the switch too soon because I’ll have a bunch of left over food, but I don’t want to start it too late and run out of the old grub before I’m ready to. As of right now, I have a bunch of the old lamb food left. Not a whole heap, but more than I think I would really use up by using as the occasional kibble in the treat pouch sort of thing. Ug! Ah well, I’ll figure something out.

I haven’t given a huppy update in a while, partially because I hadn’t seen him since we went to Ribfest at the end of August. Boy have I missed a lot. Back then, he was walking with help. Now, he’s just plain old walkin’! It’s amazing to watch him walking around the apartment, loo dee doo dee doo, when before, he had to scooch or crawl or hold onto something. Now he’s just strollin’ along.

He’s also picking up words like mad. I think I’ve heard him say uh-oh, eeewww, cool, car, cow, cookie, daddy, doggy, shoe, and the other day, I swear he said fly! I said “Are you ready to fly?” and he said “fly!” He was also trying for boing. He’s a fiend!

Not only is he a word fiend, he’s super flexible! We were in this one convenience store the other day, and the aisles are really narrow. So when we go in there, the huppy’s mom runs down and gets stuff, and I stand on stroller duty. In the early days, that just meant I would lean on the stroller and make sure it didn’t roll anywhere. Now, it involves keeping huppy hands off shelves, and making sure that all items that belong in the stroller *stay* there! The other day, while I was on stroller duty, I had to bend down and pick up a small blanket that the huppy sent flying, and when I stood back up, I heard this squeaking sound. I went to check what trouble he had managed to get into, and found…he was chewing on his shoe!…with his foot still in it! Little dude, you need to take up yoga immediately.

He’s also a sneaky little devil. He likes to try and push buttons. Sometimes, this button-pushing gets him in a whole bunch of trouble, like when he messes with the TV or the computer. The other day, a friend of the huppy’s mom’s was over, and we got a glimpse into his little huppy brain. When the huppy’s mom was busy with something, he walked over to the computer, looked at the huppy’s mom’s friend, and she said if he could speak, he would have been saying, “Should I shut off this computer? Please say yes. I know I’ll get in trouble, but should I do it anyway?” Then the little bum did it. That little rascal! Ah but ya can’t help but laugh.

Today, I was at Tim Horton’s, and I got thinking about something I have referred to as the All Kinds muffin phenomenon. It’s the tendancy for people at coffee shops to not want to read the choices of coffees, doughnuts, muffins, etc. and say “Oh what do you want? We have all kinds of things.” I got thinking about the general sense of panic I feel when I’m in the Timmy’s line. I always go there with the intention of trying something new, but as soon as I get there, I blank out as far as what they’ve got and just scramble for something I remember being on the menu before. I think it’s because that Timmy’s line moves fast fast fast. Hell, Tim’s won’t even put in debit, probably because they think it would slow the line down too much. People go in there with one thing in mind, and one thing only. They want their large double double coffee. So, I feel that if I even take a second, people will start getting mad. I’m standing between them and their coffee, and considering what some will do to get their coffee, I don’t want to do that for too long. I start to envision honking horns. “Beep beep, come on lady, pick a doughnut. Honk honk, it’s not life and death here, beep beep honk honk.” Noone has ever said that, but that’s the feeling I get. So half the time, when I go in there, I don’t get to try the stuff I hear about. Do any other blinks feel this way, or am I crazy?

I’m really blad I put up Robert Mask’s obituary. Lots of people have been searching for it, and have found us. I even got an email from someone who knew him, and she also knows my brother. Glad we could help get the information people were looking for.

My dad went to the funeral, and he said it was quite well-attended. Apparently, 16 rooms at the local hotel got booked by folks who were coming to the service from out of town. Yup, he will be missed by a lot of people. I’m glad so many could make it. It makes those of us who weren’t there not feel so bad. I guess the weather was dreary up there, but at least it wasn’t raining buckets like it was here today.

And that’s about it for this little collection of thoughts. Hope you enjoyed the short trip.