Slow the Hell Down!

I’m really starting to think we try to pack way way way too much into the day. Either that or we’re getting lazier and lazier. I was watching a show on TV when a commercial came on for something that scared me. It was for premade smoothies from McCain. Does that frighten anyone else? When I think smoothie, I think cool blended fruity creation that I decided to whip up from fresh fruit I had around. Or I think of a drink that’s made in front of me at a coffee shop somewhere. I don’t think crack open a can and drink like pop. I can’t find references to the McCain ones anywhere to find out what’s in them, but I found something similar that apparently started being made a few years ago. It combined some kind of juice and something called veggie milk. Does that scare anyone? These smoothies just seem a little too smooth for my liking.

Then I saw another ad for Uncle Ben’s rice that started off with “Minute rice too complicated?” What? How complicated can adding some rice to some water and cooking be? This new rice came in its own microwavable bowl and the ad bragged about how there were no “pots”. Plural? For some rice? Why in hell would your average person need multiple pots to cook some rice? What is in this rice that makes it even easier to make than minute rice? I can’t seem to find it so I can find out and be scared forever.

It makes me think of what one comedian, Brian Regan, said about the microwave directions on packages of pop tarts. If your life is so busy that you only have time to spare three seconds to nuke the pop tarts, then maybe you should slow down a little. Do we really have to have everything premade? Has anyone noticed that it doesn’t taste nearly as good? Hey I like a little of that stuff, but premade smoothies and minute rice being too complicated? That’s going a little too far I think.

What are Those Things on My Head For?

Sometimes I wonder if we’re de-evolving and some people have lost the ability to use those round things with black centres that change in size with the light, ya know, eyes? I have to admit, some people are very observant. I met a guy who could put everything he moved back where he found it. but today I met some people who probably wouldn’t notice if aliens landed in their front yard.

I went out to get some things, and went to cross the street like I always do. But the traffic lights were not working, so the cars were sort of just playing nice and waiting for each other to go through. This is pretty crazy, because five streets meet at this corner at weird angles.

When I get to the store, which is on the corner of these streets, and walk in and mention that the traffic lights aren’t working, I get a response as if I’m speaking another language. These people, who could presumably look out the window and see the chaos out there, were completely unaware of it. If they couldn’t do that, the store is full of people, so I’m sure at least one of them would have mentioned how nuts it was that this major traffic light was on the fritz. But they had no idea, and thought I was on crack.

This isn’t an isolated incident. Otherwise I could just say the girl working in the store is a total ditz and laugh it off. But I can’t count the number of times I have pointed at a sign and said, “what does that say?” and gotten a bewildered “I don’t know!” If people aren’t just plain unobservant, I can only conclude that the illiteracy problem is overwhelming in this town, and I’m afraid.

I know I’m not the most observant person in the world and probably miss stuff. But I think if I had a set of working eyes, I’d be able to read a sign or notice a street corner in utter chaos. At least, I’d hope so.

Rememberance Day Brawl

So Thursday I head out with some friends for a little clubbing. Around 2:’ish the place is dying down and we’re starving so we decided to go across the street, loaded to the gills, to Denny’s for some early morning food. Over the course everyone’s buzz starts to die but we’re all still pretty happy. We finish our meals and head up to the front to pay. As we walk by a table with some people who appear to be like us, young loaded and hungry. But something’s different. Where the rest of us are wearing poppies, this chick’s wearing a poppy with the Nazi symbol through the center of it.

Needless to say, we’re disgusted. Words start to be exchanged between our group and theirs. It starts to get heated between Aaron and Chris and a few of them. My buddy Shane and I manage to get them shoved outside to avoid incident and just got the girls we were with to take our cash and pay.

So we think this is done. We’re outside waiting for our cab still pissed and still talking about it when the assholes come outside and start yelling again. Now I’m right with Aaron and Chris in principle, I’d love to just beat on these assholes. But they ain’t worth it. So Shane and I get in between them again andit looks like it’s calmed down and these people are walking away. I turn back to speak to another friend and when I look back Chris and Aaron are waking after them. So I take off after them and get ahold of Aaron. He tells me he doesn’t wanna do anything but he’s gotta back up Chris in case something happens. We get them reeled back in and everything dies down but it was looking pretty hairy there for a while.

It brings up an interesting debate though. I think the part that hurt the most in the whole thing was that no matter how disrespectful and disgusting what they did was, all those soldiers died so that they have every right to do it. It’s an interesting moral conclusion to have to try and come to. Half the 2nd World War was about tollerance, or a lack there of, so no matter how pissed off what these people did makes me, you have to tollerate or its almost like an additional slap in the face to everything they fought for. It was quite a moral delemma. Pound the retards, or respect the vets. When in doubt, go with the vet’s I suppose.

Drat! Foiled Again!

Wow, more people are coming apart than I thought. Ya know the old theory that tin foil hats would keep out penetrating mind-control rays from the government? Well, some of those who flew over the cuckoo’s nest flew into MIT. and actually put this theory to the test. Yes, people in the electrical engineering and computer science departments actually approved and did this study. I guess the $250000 piece of equipment they used to do it wasn’t busy, so they put aluminum foil hats on a few people, and directed radio frequencies either at their heads from outside the helmet, or from right on their heads especially for those who think there’s a radio in their teeth. They found out that the hats actually amplify the frequency bands used by the government according to the FCC, and think the hat theory was actually started by the government to increase mind control.

I really hope this was a joke study. It almost looks like one. But there’s that element of doubt. But if it’s true, to all the hat-wearing paranoids, way to go, you just invited Big Brother in.

What?

I want you all to meet Chris Roller, the guy who just might get my vote for craziest man in the universe.

Not only is he suing David Copperfield and David Blaine claiming that they owe him money because they’ve stolen his Godly powers and are now using them in their magic acts, but he is also claiming, among other things, that he will be running for President of the United States in 2008 with Bill Gates as his running mate, that he is Jesus Christ and God simultaneously, that Katie Couric from NBC news and Celine Dion are his wives and are going to have his children, that there is a movie coming out soon about his life starring Tom Hanks, that he has killed all of his enemies, and that he will father 1,000,000 babies. I’m not making any of this up, there is actual legal documentation to validate every bit of what you’ve just read.

But that’s not all. Roller also claims to have some litigation pending against George W Bush and the Mafia, and he has also created what he’s calling comedy sketches to explain his godliness. He sent them to Jimmy Kimmel Live, but thankfully, they never made it to air.

You can read about all of this and so much more, including his explanation for why his life is mankind’s greatest project, on his website, which is linked above. While you’re there, be sure to watch the video report that Celebrity Justice did on him. He seems to be proud of it, even though they’re obviously making fun of him.

As for me, I really don’t know what else to say, since Roller’s own words speak for themselves. I just wonder if anybody actually understands what it is that they’re trying to say.

Not Again!

I heard on the news that the powers that be have decided to call an election. Another one. When did we last go to the polls? 2004? So they’re trying to arrange to have one called in February. They think that somehow they’re going to end up with more than a minority government, which is what they’ve got now. How they think that’s probable, I don’t know. This just makes me go “Oh no!” Believe me, I’m happy we have the right to vote, I’m happy that we can control our destiny…sort of. But it saddens me that the choices we have are poop, shit, or crap. Doesn’t that just make you want to sprint to the polling stations boys and girls?

Let’s look at the contestants. We have our current leader, Paul Martin. I guess he’s been ok, except for the sucking up to Bush stuff. But I guess that’s livable considering we’re supposed to be allies. But the funniest part is watching him get mad. He does not scream monstrous intimidator at all. He might as well just beg for what he wants. Maybe that would be more effective. Then we’ve got Stephen Harper, *shiver*. He’s the main reason this stupid election is being called, even though Jack Layton is the one making the motion. Let’s face it, he just wants the power, and has been chomping at the bit to have it for as long as he has been visible in the media. I don’t know what he wants to turn Canada into, but I’m afraid, especially since it seems a lot of people are leaning towards him. Are they stupid? Oh why do I ask? And now our final major contender, Jack Layton. He says things but he just doesn’t seem convincing, and he comes across as a weasel. I know I know, all politicians are weasels, but the key is to hide it, and he can’t.

So they wonder why Canadians are apathetic. For one, we’ve had too many damned elections. Second, would you be enthused given the choices? When your fate sucks and you have no control over it, it’s bad enough. But if, as a responsible citizen, you have to have a hand in your sucky fate, it makes it that much harder to swallow.

The Propaganda Weekly

The Newark New Jersey city council has
awarded a $100,000 US no-bid contract
to the Newark Weekly News in exchange for the paper only printing positive stories about the city.

The idea was pitched to council by Howard Scott, who owns the paper. Council, in a decision that I’m sure comes as a surprise to just about no one, unanimously approved the proposal in a vote that took place in October.

The Weekly News is now working in conjunction with the city’s public information office on the project, and under the terms of the agreement, can only accept story leads that come directly from either the city council or mayor’s office.

According to Scott, the citizens of Newark have no problem with this set-up whatsoever.

“Do we have critical reporters on staff? No,” Scott said when asked for comment. “Do we have investigative reporters? No. “Our niche is the good stuff. People have come to know it, and they love it.”

Either that or they’re just trying to make the best of the realization that whether they like it or not, whether they ever read a single edition of this thing, they’re still paying for it, a fact which Scott conveniently forgets to mention here.

Another thing he fails to address is how the Newark Weekly News can still in good faith call itself a newspaper. Given the circumstances that currently allow it to exist, wouldn’t it be more appropriate to classify it as either campaign literature or state-funded propaganda material? That’s exactly what it is, and how anybody could possibly see it as anything other than that given the facts presented here is simply mind boggling.

But I suppose that this shouldn’t come as that much of a shock or surprise considering the state of TV and print news in America and parts of Canada today. Every outlet has its own agenda, and I guess the arival of localized “everything doesn’t suck as bad as it seems like it does” news coverage is just the next logical step.

Wrestling Watching Weekend

Hello and happy Sunday. I hope everybody’s having a good weekend. Mine’s been great especially since I decided to turn off my telephone because the thing was driving me nuts. Between the millions of telemarketers who seem to be out in full force right now, people calling me with nothing to say, and everybody else seeming to want my attention all at once, I couldn’t get a moment of peace. So I decided that I’m paying for voicemail for a reason, and that’s where everybody’s been going for the last couple days straight. It’s been awesome.

But Steve, what did you do with all that anti-social time you had on your hands?

Well, let’s see. I did laundry. Lots and lots of laundry. But that’s what happens when trees decide to grow into the drainage system at your house and your plumbing backs up and you have to use almost every towel you own to soak up the swimming pool that used to be your bathroom. But whatever, it’s all fixed up now and everything’s clean, so I’m a happy guy. I’m also a lucky guy since I seem to have gotten home just in time. Sure it sucked to be away for 5 days and then come back to that, but being away for 6 days and then walking into a mess like the one I awoke to the next morning would have been a lot worse.

But I did do more than laundry and housework. I also watched wrestling. Lots and lots of wrestling. I finally got to see both Taboo Tuesday and Bound For Glory among other things, and this post is more about them than about me and my domestic chores and self-imposed isolation, so here we go.

Bound For Glory was an awesome show. I don’t think I’d call it the best TNA show I’ve ever seen, but it was still fantastic. The only thing that hurt it was that some of the matches went a little short, but there was a reason for that since they had to change the entire main event angle around at the last minute because of the whole Kevin Nash thing, so really I can’t fault the company since they did a great job of making the best out of a bad situation.

It was cool to see Jushin Liger again. I don’t watch a whole lot of Japanese wrestling so I really haven’t seen much of him since his days in WCW. He can still go, and Samoa Joe is Samoa Joe and it seems impossible for him to have a terrible match these days. I’ve read a fair bit of complaining on the internet (surprise surprise) about how the match was way too short and that because they didn’t give it longer it didn’t live up to expectations. But like I said, I’m not going to be part of it. Was the match too short? Yes, but that by no means makes it bad. The action was there, the crowd was into it, and Joe’s entrance was pretty cool. Besides, it’s not like they were relying on that match to save what would have been an otherwise disappointing show.

I loved the finish of the Christopher Daniels vs. AJ Styles Ironman match. I’ve thought for years that somebody getting pinned in the last 3 seconds of a match with a time limit would be a cool finish, and this was as close as I can remember ever seeing to that. The match itself was solid too. I’ve talked to people who were expecting a different type of match out of those 2 and you can sort of tell when you watch it that some of the crowd did also, but I can’t think of anything that sticks out as wrong with it. It had a slower pace than some of their previous bouts, but there were still more than enough high spots thrown in the mix to keep the excitement going. And think about it. Doing 30 minutes of high impact stuff doesn’t make sense in the context of an Ironman match anyway. Why burn yourself out and risk potentially hurting yourself more than your opponent?

I know I’m probably starting to sound like a broken record here, but I have to say it. Monster’s Ball Match, also great. By the way, I wonder how many kids out there actually understand what I mean by broken record. but back to the match. Great hardcore action, and Jeff Hardy is absolutely insane. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, get a tape of this show and wonder along with the rest of us how that man isn’t dead or severely injured at this point.

After all this time, you’d think TNA would have figured out a way to keep the Ultimate X from falling down in the middle of matches on live TV. But if like me you would be tempted to think that, you’d be wrong. But it wasn’t simply the X falling down that ruined an otherwise fine contest, it was the reactions of the guys after the obviously botched finish that really did the job. I give TNA credit for taping a rematch for last Thursday’s prime time special, but instead of apologizing for what happened, they should have played it up as the total heel move by Petey Williams that it probably looked like to a fair number of the people watching. Reaching up and catching the thing as it falls down for the second time and getting the win is certainly grounds for a rematch on it’s own, so why draw attention to your shortcomings when you’re in the early stages of the biggest exposure and growth period in your company’s history? The audience isn’t made up of all smart fans anymore, it’s ok to try to pull one over on us now and then. We might make fun of you for doing it, but we really don’t mind, we understand who you’re doing it for.

Speaking of pulling one over on people, congratulations to WWE for actually convincing a few people to buy Taboo Tuesday. Although if you paid for that show based on the TV that lead into it, you could probably be convinced to do just about anything. Ok, I’ll just come right out and say it. If you laid down $30 of your own money for reasons other than morbid curiosity or the fact that you get paid to watch this stuff, you’re an idiot. But that being said, this show was a lot better in execution than it was on paper. Hmmm, execution, that sounds like a fine fate for the people responsible for booking WWE lately. But seriously, the show wasn’t that bad.

Joey Styles calling a WWE pay-per-view took a little getting used to. He’s a great announcer, but before today I could never have pictured him calling a WWE event. The ECW show he did back in June for them doesn’t count. But he did a great job considering the short notice and the fact that he and Jerry Lawler have never worked together, at least not to my knowledge.

The opening match was surprisingly good, especially for one in which the combined suckage of Gene Snitsky and Chris Masters makes up one team. I still love Snitsky though, even though I make fun. How can you not love that guy?

The legends match was a fun one even though nobody cares about Conway or Tomko and Eugene is starting to go down that same road. It’s generally nice to see legends, even if they do sometimes make you feel old. Sometimes it’s sad to see the shape some of them are in, but at least they get one more moment in the sun, and that has to count for something.

Is it just me, or did that not feel like Mick Foley’s big return match, or even like a feud that needs caring about? You know things are bad in WWE when they can make me not care about watching Mick Foley wrestle, especially after he’s been gone for so long. And you know something, I have a feeling that Mick Foley didn’t even really care about that Mick Foley match. but you know what’s frightening? Even when he’s half assing it out there, he’s still more entertaining than a fair number of the guys who are on TV every week, the ones who are supposed to be the future. Somebody kill me.

Cade and Murdock should not have lost the tag titles, and not just because WWE did the same thing last year with another team that they were trying to push. My main problem is that they need to be establishing a tag division, and taking the belts off of new guys that you’re trying to get over as a team and putting them on a couple of people who are essentially singles wrestlers doesn’t help.

I’m mentioning the Coach vs. Batista match for one reason, and that reason is Jerry Lawler, because he cracked me up when Vader came out. His exact words were “he hasn’t lost any size has he?” I love shoot comments that you’re not supposed to pick up on.

The last 2 matches, the Flair vs. Triple H cage match and the 3-way for the WWE title were by far the best of the night.

Flair in a cage is almost always good, and even though you can say a lot of bad things about HHH, he can still bring it when he needs to, and he definitely did in this one.

As for the title match, how can you go wrong with Michaels and Angle in the same ring? Not even John Cena, who appears to be getting worse instead of better the longer he sticks around, could have messed that up completely. This was a really well put together match with a good finish that didn’t hurt anybody. The champ stayed strong, and Michaels and Angle didn’t lose anything by not winning.

Ok, that was long. Thankks for sticking with it. One of us will be back later with something else. Until then, I’m off to eat something and watch a bit more wrestling.

Mayor: Sever Thumbs of Graffiti Artists

RENO, Nev. (AP) – Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman has suggested that those who deface freeways with graffiti should have their thumbs cut off on television.

Goodman, appearing Wednesday on the “Nevada Newsmakers” television show, said, “In the old days in France, they had beheading of people who commit heinous crimes.

“You know, we have a beautiful highway landscaping redevelopment in our downtown. We have desert tortoises and beautiful paintings of flora and fauna. These punks come along and deface it.

“I’m saying maybe you put them on TV and cut off a thumb,” the mayor added. “That may be the right thing to do.”

Goodman also suggested that whippings or canings should be brought back for children who get into trouble.

“I also believe in a little bit of corporal punishment going back to the days of yore, where examples have to be shown,” Goodman said.

“I’m dead serious,” said Goodman, adding, “Some of these (children) don’t learn. You have got to teach them a lesson, and this is coming from a criminal defense lawyer.”

“They would get a trial first,” he added.

Another panelist on the show, Howard Rosenberg, a state university system regent, responded by saying that cutting off the thumbs of taggers won’t solve the problem and Goodman should “use his head for something other than a hat rack.”