Double Meanings

I guess all my talk of dogs made our google ads change to dog-related stuff, and lump-removal stuff. But one dog ad made me do a double take. I guess it was effective advertising, because it was sure tempting to click on it. The ad read something like:
Your dog need help upstairs? Get harness available at Pet smart.

I can’t remember exactly how it read, and I can’t trigger it again. But I stared at it and thought, how could a harness help a dog with a messed up head? I’m scared of what’s in this thing.

It turns out it was about a harness that can let you help your dog navigate steps if it has arthritis or joint problems and can’t get its back end up the stairs.

All I’ve gotta say is, ads always find a way to be unintentionally amusing.

Madness at its Finest

A while ago over on The Devil You Don’t Know, there was a link to a page all about the evils of masturbation. After I recovered from spasms of laughter from reading these ridiculous claims, I decided to dissect this disgusting passage over here because I just couldn’t resist. Anything this outlandish is just asking to be ripped to shreds. My comments will be in italics.

This page is dedicated to exposing the REAL Number One Public Health Problem in America today: Masturbation. If you have come here looking for Jokes or
Humour about Masturbation, then you have come to the wrong place! But if you have come to be Educated on the Straight Facts about the EVILS of Masturbation,
then Welcome!
Is there a link between Masturbation and the Assault on America?
Click here
for the shocking answer!

Unable to resist clicking there for the shocking answer, I received this line of drivel.

Is Masturbation Behind the Assault on America?

My friend, if you ever had any doubt that Masturbation, Violence and Liberalism are the inseparable causes of the current Assault on America!

Hey dude, where did the end of that sentence go? Did it unite with logic and find its way far from the rest of your writing? Get a proofreader.

MASTURBATION EQUALS VIOLENCE! How can any honest person believe otherwise in the face of the overwhelming evidence presented here?

As of yet, you have produced 0 evidence. Prove, and then talk about evidence.

The one thing that the authors of these messages

What messages? Your messages? Hmmm. Perhaps you’re just exposing your own guilty secrets.

have in common, other than the fact that they are all seething powderkegs of homicidal fury, is that they all MASTURBATE!

And how would you know this? Were you in all of their bathrooms and bedrooms? that would imply that you’re, um, sleeping with the enemy. >

LIBERALISM EQUALS VIOLENCE! Note well the Liberal political philosophies parroted by so many of these diatribes!

What diatribes? Show me!

This proves more than ever that ALL Liberal
political movements, including Feminism, Communism, Kalistaism, Vegetarianism, the Democratic Party and the current “Peace” movement, are nothing but violent
death cults fueled by the evil hatred that comes from Chronic Masturbation!

No bud, it just proves that you are a paranoid, stereotyping, closed-minded, empty-headed wacko with an overactive imagination and an aversion to thinking logically. Nothing you’ve said has come anywhere close to making sense.

Can anything be more chilling than a warning that you are on a list of victims
to be “killed by people with open minds and accepting personalities?”

I am? Where is this list and how did you find it? Snooping through their dresser drawers again while joining in on their jacking off sessions I see?? And it wouldn’t be very chilling if the warning came from you, since it would be as full of bullshit as the rest of this page.

There is nothing further on that page. That was an answer? That sounded more like pointless rhetoric. Back to the original page that I read the first time.

The Problem
Masturbation is more dangerous than smoking. Doctors of a generation ago knew this, but since the Sexual Revolution of the 1960’s, this fact has been lost
in the “if it feels good, do it” mentality.

How about it getting proven incorrect by scientific study? I can’t find a journal article, but this article makes a hell of a lot more logical sense than what follows.

Myth: Masturbation is harmless.
Reality: Christianity proves that chronic Masturbation causes weakness, depression, forgetfulness and nearsightedness.

and since when did all Christians get to become doctors?

Myth: There are bigger problems than Masturbation, like drugs and AIDS.
Reality: Experts estimate that there are at least 150,000 Americans masturbating RIGHT NOW!
And this is a problem because…? I’m sure there are more sleeping, eating, driving cars, and doing who knows what else.

Masturbation costs American businesses at least $3.14 billion
in lost productivity every month!

Through what survey? Since when did the boss know his/her employees were masturbating and that’s why they were late for work? That boss is a little too acquainted with his/her employees.

Myth: Masturbation is not immoral.
Reality: Read your Bible. God was so offended when Onan spilled his seed upon the ground that God struck Onan dead! It is true that Onan wasn’t Masturbating,
but the point is that God hates it when men waste sperm, no matter what the reason.

So you’ve basically defeated your own case because you couldn’t find evidence to back it up. And isn’t killing immoral too? Looks like god did worse than the guy he killed. But we tend to forget this.

Myth: Masturbation is a “Victimless Crime.”
Reality: Theological experts on Masturbation have come to the conclusion that Masturbation is what is known as a “gateway” sin. This means that Masturbation
leads to more serious offenses. In fact, practically all rapists, Sodomites, child molesters and pornography addicts started out as Masturbators.

This will become ridiculous shortly.

Myth: Americans value their “Freedom” and will never stand for Masturbation being outlawed.
Reality: Oral and anal sex are already illegal in several States, and people like it that way! Masturbatory devices are already
illegal in Texas,
and the Police in San Antonio and Austin have aggressively enforced this law, even going as far as to torture clerks that worked in stores that sold indecently-shaped
soap and candles, and there has been no public outcry.

And this is good? Lots of things happen that are less than decent and people don’t say anything. If anything this just shows apathy, not agreement. I’m sure we don’t like what happens in Guantanamo Bay, but we feel there’s nothing we can do. That is such bullshit. “He’s not saying anything. He mustn’t mind.” It’s enough to make your head spin.

Myth: But everyone’s doing it!
Reality: Surveys have repeatedly shown that up to 5% of Americans don’t Masturbate.

Stop! right! there! If 95% of us are masturbating, then of course rapists and pedophiles and…what did it say? rapists, Sodomites, child molesters and pornography addicts…started off as masturbators! But that tells us nothing. That’s like saying that eating vegetables is bad because all criminals admitted to eating vegetables and then saying that most of us eat vegetables. Awfully large gateway there. And if masturbation was such a problem, and 95% of us do it, then wouldn’t society be in complete shambles? I know things are kind of messed up, but our whole system would be caving in. Chaos would reign. It’s not, thus, this is pure bullshit.

The Solution
How to stop the current epidemic of Self-Abuse in America? We need the same tactics and the same kind of get-tough attitude that has been so successful
in the War On Drugs!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! On what planet has the war on drugs succeeded? Please show me the success. I see the number of drug arrests increasing, the number of drug-related deaths increasing despite the war on drugs, and people thinking it would just be easier to legalize some drugs. Wow, what a successful venture you have there.

Control of Paraphernalia: Drug abuse has been slashed by the outlawing of drug accessories such as syringes and marijuana pipes.

Syringes have been outlawed?

If we are to get tough on Masturbation, we must eliminate Masturbatory paraphernalia. This means outlawing such things as:
1. “Personal Vibrators” and other Masturbatory devices such as dildos and blow-up dolls.
ALL candles,
no matter what their shape, must be banned.

I don’t know about you, but when I see a candle, my first thought is not “Ooo, great sex toy!” It makes me wonder about the author of this crap.

2. ALL indecent art. This includes paintings, sculptures and photographs. We don’t need the Victoria’s Secret catalog! Simple, modest underwear would sell
itself and minimize unGodly temptations.

All I can say about this is, loosen up, dude.

3. Certain food. If we outlaw dildos and require that all sausages, cucumbers and carrots be sold pre-sliced, we will make it much easier for the women
among us to resist the temptation to Masturbate.

Yeah, because seeing a sausage makes me horny.

Intensive urine testing: Christians have discovered that men produce sperm cells constantly. All that sperm has to go somewhere! If an unmarried man doesn’t
masturbate, all the sperm cells he produces end up in his urine. It would be very simple to require unmarried men to submit frequent urine samples, which
could then be examined under a microscope. If an unmarried man has a low concentration of sperm cells in his urine, it means he has been having orgasms
one way or another! Therefore he is guilty of either Masturbation or Fornication and should be imprisoned!

And we have room for all these men whose sole crime is masturbation where? If you think masturbation is causing drops in productivity, imagine what imprisonment because of it will do? And research shows that if you don’t masturbate, and you are a man, you will have wet dreams. So one way or another, it will find its way out. And who’s to say that married men aren’t masturbating? How come they get off, so to speak, so easy?

Random urine testing in the War On Drugs has
been a very powerful weapon! We should not hesitate to harness it for use in the War On Masturbation!

And we know how well that war’s going.

Zero Tolerance! Zero Tolerance has been a rallying cry in the War On Drugs, and is a policy that should be enacted immediately in the War On Masturbation!
Any amount of Masturbation is too much! Any person caught touching his or her genitals without a solid, medically-approved reason should be imprisoned
in a boot camp. We will teach our children that God did not give us genitals for entertainment.

And how many people will be caught touching themselves? Unless you’re going to invade people’s bathrooms and take away the last shred of privacy?

Property Seizure: Many police departments will seize the cars and homes of people who are caught with drugs. Americans For Purity has called for the homes
and cars of people who are caught Masturbating to be taken away without due process and auctioned off, with the money going to anti-Masturbation law enforcement.

Because we need our justice system to become more arbitrary than it already is.

Surgery: Certain supposedly “primitive” tribes in Africa have completely eliminated Masturbation among their women! How was this amazing feat accomplished?
Through a very simple operation called a Clitoridectomy, which is analogous to circumcision in the male. (Clitoridectomy has gotten a bad reputation in
the West, but only because in Africa it is often done with crude instruments, without anaesthesia, and under unsanitary conditions. When it is mandated
in America it will, of course, be done in a sterile, modern operating room with anaesthesia.) A woman who has had a Clitoridectomy is permanently cured
of Masturbation and other lascivious behaviour, but the Godless bureaucrats in Washington, D.C. have had the audacity to OUTLAW this operation! One of the
main goals of Americans For Purity is to not only repeal the laws against Clitoridectomy, but to make it mandatory for female children (who will never
miss the part that is removed if it is done early enough). And surgery isn’t just for Females! Many have suggested Castration or Clitoridectomy for adult
Males or Females that are repeat Masturbatory offenders.

They miss the point that not only does that “cure” them of masturbation, but it makes sex miserable too. If nature put it there, leave it the fuck alone! And if we have to castrate every repeat masturbator, didn’t they say that 95% of us do it? Well I guess there goes our population.

Chemotherapy: In the last few years, Doctors have begun to use a class of drugs known as Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs such as Prozac and
Celexa) to combat the Depression that accompanies Chronic Masturbation.

Nope, try again. They use those to combat *depression*.

The primary Therapeutic benefit of SSRIs is achieved by enhancing the action of
Serotonergic neurons in the Raphe Nucleus of the midbrain that inhibit the Orgasm reflex. A patient who takes an SSRI is cured of Masturbation because
he or she finds that it takes an hour of intensive effort to achieve a disappointingly anti-climactic Orgasm. After the patient gives up on Masturbating,
his or her Depression improves dramatically.

That is a side-effect!

Officials are studying a plan to routinely add SSRIs to soft drinks and school meals.

Is everyone else’s stomach turning? Who are these officials, and let’s get them out of office! I hope that along with the rest of the crap on this page, they are fictitious.

And that is all they had to say, except for a graphic labelled “scientific proof” and a link to where to buy anti-masturbation equipment, frightening as it is that it still exists. All I can say is I hope this leader is very unconvincing. We don’t need him/her leading anyone.

Strange Things People Say.

Now that Babs isn’t with me, I get all kinds of strange comments. They always start out normal. “What happened to your dog?” I explain it to them, and then all the weirdness begins. One favourite is, “So, are you able to get around now?” Well, how did I get around for 20 odd years before the dog? Honestly, I’ve only had the dog for 6 or so weeks, and she made a huge change, but I can manage with the cane again.

Then there’s always, “So are they going to give her to someone else?” If she’s too sick to work for me, she can’t work for anyone.

Then, when I say that she’ll likely be retiring, everybody wants to take her home. That one just cracks me up, because as if I would just hand her off to a random stranger even if I had the choice.

And here’s the best one. “If that were me, I’d be so sad.” And what makes you think I’m not? Just because I’m not walking around bawling my eyes out doesn’t mean I don’t miss her. Maybe I’m just weird, but that statement almost makes me feel guilty for not being outwardly sad, as if I’m not feeling enough, as if I’ve forgotten her. Believe me, I haven’t.

And this is just a few days after losing her. I can hardly wait for the questions when I get my new dog.

Words of Advice

Well, I haven’t been around here much for reasons I’m about to explain. I hope you’ll excuse my bitching for the next little while. You have been warned.

Babs, my wonderful guide dog, developed a series of tumours, which although benign, aren’t good to leave in. There are too many to remove surgically, and the only treatment my vet could recommend would make her kind of drowsy and unable to work. So the school decided to take her away, have a look at her, and likely retire her. So right now, I am guide dogless. Glad I didn’t do anything too drastic to my cane. What makes this super annoying, on top of the fact that I will have to put my life on hold again and start all over with a new dog, most likely, is that this all could have been prevented if the school I’d chosen, Canadian Guide Dogs for the Blind had shown some balls and done the right thing in the first place.

Let’s start at the beginning. When I was in training, I noticed a lump on Babs’s chest. I brought this to the trainer’s attention almost immediately. His first reaction seemed good. he said the lump had been there before, but had gone away, and they’d have to see about seeing a vet in a few days. Makes sense. Then the day came when they were going to see about seeing a vet, and the story changed. All of a sudden it was, “I have to speak to upper management to find out what to do.” What to do? See a vet! Seems pretty straightforward.

The day before I was to go home, after asking every day what the hell was the story, I demanded to know what this lump was. The head trainer came in and said the lump was a fat deposit, noted in her medical history. Ok? If you knew this all along, how come you couldn’t have told me this when I brought up the issue. It seems really odd to me, because I was talking to other guide dog users, and they all said fat lumps don’t show up in dogs until they get older.

So I go home happy, not worried about the lump. We start to work well together, I start to get attached to her, and then I notice that the lump is oozing. I hustle her to the vet, and the vet says there’s no way that’s a fat lump and it has to be removed. He removes it, thinking it’s a cyst, and sends it to a pathologist, who, 10 days later, reports that it’s a grade I mast cell tumour. The good news is Grade I means it’s benign. But the bad news is they didn’t realize that it was a tumour, because there was nothing about this in her medical history, and when they were removing it, it burst a bit. I’m told to hope for the best.

I call the school, pretty mad at this point that either their vet isn’t the quickest bunny in the forest, or they lied to me. I mean my vet’s reaction was pretty extreme. It wasn’t like “Well it could have been at one point but it certainly isn’t now.” It was like “No, that is in no way a fat lump.” I tell them what’s happened, and ask that since this was something that was present in training, would they pay the vet bill for its removal? Their response? “No, go to this other charity that helps people pay for vet bills.” Ok, hold the phone. I know this school’s pockets aren’t exactly lined with lots of cash, but the least they can do is not help to bankrupt another place whose pockets are not exactly lined either. And this problem existed when she was still in their care. Shouldn’t the other fund be reserved for helping people with vet costs connected to problems that arise *after* the dog leaves training?

Then things get fun. I ask for a medical history on my dog, and the truth starts to come out. Apparently they had tested that lump that I brought to their attention before with a needle, and nothing had come out. Ok, first problem, why didn’t they tell me this when I brought the concern up? Second, those tests are known to be unreliable. The needle could slip and not hit the tissue you need. So, when it recurs, wouldn’t you do an actual biopsy? It won’t require her to be sedated or anything, you just freeze the area, so it’s not like a biopsy would keep her from doing training. And, there was lots of time for the results to come back before training was over. You would think that would be the logical thing to do.

Not long after that, I notice a whole bunch of little lumps all over her. So back to the vet we go for more tests, and low and behold, they all turn out to be these tumours. there are so many that the only way to treat them is with antihistamines. At this point the school freaks when they read that, and do the only thing they can do, scoop her up and see if she has to be retired. And I’m just pissed that this all has to happen, and heartbroken that a good guide dog and great companion has to go.

So that’s my story. I’m going to get another guide dog, not from that school. There have been too many betrayals of trust and screw-ups to go back there. But the moral of the story boys and girls is, if you’re thinking of getting a guide dog, follow your instincts. My first instinct was to go to the other school. Be observant and watch for red flags. In my first post about guide dogs, I noticed a lot of stuff in their literature. They were practically begging for money from people who didn’t even have a dog with them yet. But word of mouth is also a powerful advertiser, and I knew people who were going back to them for their second or third dog, so I thought wow they must be pretty good. And I had heard they had a good reputation. So when they came up with a spot first, I went for it. Then more red flags appeared. When they phoned me to book travel arrangements, they used a prepaid calling card. Ya know the ones you get so you can call from payphones and other people’s houses and stuff and it doesn’t end up on their bill. They were using that to make office calls, and then it ran out. What the hell? Another red flag, although it showed up once I was there, was their response to us wanting to get a gift for our trainer. They said the policy was if we wanted to give gifts, they would rather we get something that would benefit the school. Woe, now they’re diverting gifts to people who have earned them back to the school. The money-begging continues. So if you get too many red flags and it’s not too late, either don’t apply at all to that school, or cancel your application before you get too far in.

Then all this stuff with the lump started happening, which leads me to my second piece of advice. If you see something that concerns you, don’t let them send you home without giving you an answer that doesn’t sound like pulling the wool over your eyes. Get them to take you to a vet, and scream blue murder for it if you have to. Because once you’re home, if they don’t have vet coverage to help you with major expenses, you’re screwed and there’s nothing you can do. But more importantly, once you’re home, you’ve bonded with this poor creature, and sending her back, if it comes to that, is all the more painful.

The school has agreed to pay for the biopsies, so that’s slightly redeeming, but I had to basically tell them I thought they were pretty low before they gave in. I won’t hear anything until at least the end of next week, they’re taking her to be seen by a specialist. But I wish I had followed my gut, stuck to my guns and gone to the other school, because it looks like that’s where I’m going now, that is, if they’ll accept me. So anyone getting a guide dog, never go on blind faith! Your gut is smarter than you think.

NWA: Nina With Attitude

I was talking with somebody the other day, (I think it was Carin actually), and we got talking about cover songs, specifically ones that sound nothing like the originals. I didn’t think about this one at the time, but now that I have, I figured I might as well share it with all of you since I’ve been meaning to link it for a while now but just haven’t gotten around to it.

Nina Gordon, one of the founding members of 1990’s rock band Veruca Salt, did a cover of NWA’s “Straight Outta Compton” that’s really awesome and definitely sounds nothing like the original. It’s equal parts funny and sweet because she has such a nice voice, but to hear her using it to sing gangsta rap just cracks me up. I know I know, that gag has been done before, but when it’s done well, it doesn’t get old.

If you want to check it out, you can download it by clicking here.

Enjoy and hopefully I’ll be back with something else sooner rather than later.

Golfing Cardinals

Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish People for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon, the Prime Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders or their representatives to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews.

The Pope then met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.

“Your Holiness,” said one of the Cardinals, “Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world.”

The Pope thought about this, and since he had never held a golf club in his life, he asked, “Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me?”

“None who plays golf very well,” the Cardinal replied. “But,” he added, “There is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we will also win the match.”

Everyone agreed that this was a great idea, and the call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honoured and he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. “This is Cardinal Nicklaus.. I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness,” said the golfer.

Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus,” said the Pope.

“Well, Your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I have played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”

“How can there be bad news?” the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed. “I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods.”

Getting Off In Any Way Possible

A Bulgarian man has avoided prosecution and possible jail time because he is
no longer a Bulgarian man.

Sretko Ickov, who was arrested last year and charged with theft before being released on bail, had a sex change operation during the time he was out of police custody awaiting his day in court.

When he, excuse me, she, arrived in court as a woman using the name Albena Mihajlova, the judge ruled that under Bulgarian law the case could not go forward because the accused was not the same person who had originally been charged. Consequently, the case was dismissed, and the he she man woman thingie was allowed to walk out of court a free…something.

Before it left, it told the court that it had never felt happy as a man and planned to start a fresh crime free life as a woman. It also said that it had fallen in love and would be getting married shortly. I can’t help but wonder if it will be to
this guy,
but somehow, given his track record, I doubt it.

Good Thing They Said Something

If you’ve been visiting this place for a while, you probably know how much I love strange product labels. Well, somebody sent me a whole pile of them today so I thought I’d share the good ones that aren’t already here on the site. Some of these are completely insane.

Liquid Plummer
Warning: Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages.

Windex
Do not spray in eyes.

Bowl Fresh
Safe to use around pets and children, although it is not recommended that either be permitted to drink from toilet.

Toilet Plunger
Caution: Do not use near power lines.

Dremel Electric Rotary Tool
This product not intended for use as a dental drill.

Endust Duster
This product is not defined as flammable by the Consumer Products Safety Commission Regulations. However, this product can be ignited under certain circumstances.

Hair Coloring
Do not use as an ice cream topping.

Wet-Nap
Directions: Tear open packet and use.

Stridex Foaming Face Wash
May contain foam.

Zantac 75
Do not take if allergic to zantac.

Bic Lighter
Ignite lighter away from face.

Komatsu Floodlight
This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark

Earplugs
These ear plugs are nontoxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe

Mattress
Warning: Do not attempt to swallow

Matches
Caution: Contents may catch fire.

RCA Television Remote Control
Not Dishwasher Safe

Home Depot Treated Lumber
Do not consume

Slush Puppy Cup
This ice may be cold

Nabisco Easy Cheese
For best results, remove cap.

500-piece puzzle:
Some assembly required.

A toilet at a public sports facility
Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.

insect spray:
This product not tested on animals.

Instructions for a cordless phone:
Do not put lit candles on phone.

T.V. manual
Do not pour liquids into your television set.

VCR box
Instructional video on hooking up VCR included.

Box of Frosted Cheerio’s
The logo, “Tastes so good this box never closes,” is located just underneath another announcement: “To close: place tab here.”

Container of salt
Warning: High in sodium

Hose Nozzle
Do not spray into electrical outlet.

If you’ve got anymore, feel free to send ’em in.

Speaking Of Saying Things The Wrong Way…

I just said something completely stupid. I knew it was stupid before the words had even left my mouth, but as happens to all of us sometimes, I said it anyway. Dont’ ask me why, because I have no good answer other than I’m human and humans do that sort of thing now and then. Some of us more than others, but that’s another topic entirely. It’s too bad there’s no way to suck in words that escape before they become public, I’m sure that would solve a lot of the world’s troubles, although it would also take away a lot of the world’s humour. But thankfully the person didn’t notice, because what I said is something that a lot of people say all the time.

It happened this way:

Steve’s Phone: “Ring.”

Steve: “Hello.”

Wind: That sound that wind makes when it blows into a phone. I can’t spell it, but you know the one.

Steve: “Hello.”

Nervous Guy: “Uh, hi, is Shawn there?”

Steve: “I think you’ve got the wrong number.”

Nervous Guy: “ok, sorry man.”

Steve: “No problem.”

I’m sure that’s what a lot of you are thinking too, no problem, as in Steve, there’s no problem with that conversation. But yes my friends, there is a problem with that conversation. For you see, I don’t *think* that Nervous Guy has the wrong number, I *know* that he has the wrong number. Because from the moment I’m asked, I have no doubt that Shawn is not here, and I’m also certain that he will not be returning after his round of golf, his scrotum waxing, or whatever else he chooses to do with his time. So why then do I have to think about it? It implies that I had to conduct a thorough investigation in order to correctly determine the answer to the nice man’s question, which I most certainly did not. Had there been a need to do so, the conversation probably would have gone something like this:

Nervous Guy: “Is Shawn There?”

Steve: “Hmmm, certainly a fine question, the answer to which does not spring immediately to mind. I can however tell you at this point that he does not appear to be in this particular room. Furthermore, it seems that walking in and out of all other rooms available has not yielded any positive results on the Shawn front. Perhaps if I continue to traverse the area while simultaneously screaming his name at the top of my lungs he may materialize. Shawn! Shawn! Shawn? Shaaaaawwwwwwn!!!!!! No, that doesn’t appear to have worked. Let me try the same thing, this time using the outside of my home as my prefered zone of potential discovery. Shawn! Shawn! Shawn? Shaaaaawwwwwwn!!!!!! Unfortunately that does not seem to have produced the desired outcome either, however my neighbour John is looking at me funny now. But if you would be so kind as to allow me a few moments of reflection time I would be more than happy to trace my movements up to this point in an attempt to ascertain when exactly I last laid eyes upon our apparently AWOL friend.”

“Well, this is certainly interesting. A preliminary journey through the depths of my memory has turned up nothing of substance as of now, and as I deliberate more intensely it is becoming abundantly clear that I cannot, in fact, remember the last time I was in Shawn’s company, he in mine, or we in ours. Indeed, I can now state without hesitation that Shawn does not, nor has he ever, resided in this location. And in yet another shocking twist to this situation, it further seems that I have lived alone here from such time as I took up my own residence here in this place I fondly call home. All of this evidence, when taken together, leads me to only one conclusion. You my friend most certainly have a wrong number.”

Nervous Guy: “Ok, sorry man.”

Steve: “No problem.”

See what I mean? Problem. But we all say it without giving it a second thought, or even a first for that matter. Why is that, and why can’t we stop? Can we actually be so unsure of ourselves that we need to consider the answer? Do we simply feel bad for the poor guy who feels like an idiot now and has to dial again on top of it? Or is it something else? I don’t know, but maybe Shawn does. Now if only I could get ahold of him…