Me Talk Good, For Serious

First off I want to apologize for my lack of posts over the last few weeks. I can’t promise that things are going to get much better over the next little while because of Summer and circumstances, but come on, at least I’m being honest with you and making an attempt to appear as though I feel bad about it. I deserve credit for that, right? Right? Somebody? Anybody? Ok, whatever. Ingrates, every last one of you. But you’re our ingrates, and we love you all.

Speaking of which, a huge thank you to everyone who has been checking out the ads and clicking on them. It’s much appreciated.

And while I’m thanking people, indulge me for just a few more seconds while I make myself sound like a total fag.

Thank you,
Derek Edwards.
You made me laugh yesterday at a time when nothing in the world seemed funny. I’ve always been a huge fan of your work, but last night you made me into an even bigger one. I’ve known for years that comedy can be a very powerful thing, but not many people out there could have done what you did for me.

Now I’ll take the penis out of my ass and we’ll move along. But hey, every now and then it doesn’t hurt to be a little bit serious.

Something struck me last night while I was watching a bit of TV. Yeah, something fell off a shelf and hit me. Ok, that was stupid, I’m sorry. It won’t happen again, at least not until next time.

Let’s try that again.

I realized yesterday while watching TV that people have no idea how to properly use words anymore. Ok, maybe I didn’t actually realize it yesterday since I’m pretty sure I’ve complained about this once or twice before, but I saw 2 examples within about 30 minutes of each other that really drove the point home.

During the news there was a report about the ongoing investigation into last week’s bombings in London. It said that police had learned more about the timing of the blasts. According to the reporter, who’s name I can’t think of, a few of the bombs “were detonated simultaneously, all within less than a minute of each other.> That confused me, and I couldn’t pay attention to the rest of the story because I was trying to decide whether the explosions had in fact happened simultaneously or if, as also stated in the same sentence, they had taken place a few seconds apart. The thought of starting my own investigation even crossed my mind at one point, but thankfully reason was able to trump curiosity and I realized that I’m far too lazy to complete such an undertaking. I did however find the energy to
look up the word simultaneously,
which our reporter friend probably should have done before voice went to tape and tape went to air.

Then, just a few minutes later while I was flipping back and forth between a documentary and a football game, I saw a commercial for a special deal that Dish Network was offering. It said that for a limited time, I could get free installation and one of those DVR things for one low price if I ordered satellite service through them. “Not a bad deal” I thought to myself as the nice man kept talking. But then I heard this:

“If you act now, you can get 60 great channels as well as HBO and ShowTime for just $19.99 a month for 3 months.”

I don’t know about the rest of you, but when I heard that, all I could think was are HBO and ShowTime really that bad? And if they are, why would Dish be using that as a selling point? You’d think they’d want to keep it quiet, you know, just sneak those 2 in there and hope nobody finds out. Honestly, would saying something along the lines of “if you act now you can get 62 great channels including HBO and ShowTime for just $19.99 per month for 3 months” have been that hard? It doesn’t ruin the flow of things at all and it prevents you from insulting 2 very popular TV networks and from making your company look stupid.

I can’t figure out how it is that nobody noticed that throughout the entire process. Somebody had to write it, a room full of people would have had to approve it, another person would have had to say it while other people listened to him and another guy recorded it. Oh, and then they would have had to screen it to make sure that everything was perfect before they sent it off to all of the TV stations that were going to play it. The fact that nobody along the way stopped and said “hey, we might want to do something about this” frightens me just a little. Did they not notice, or worse yet, did they simply think we wouldn’t? That would certainly speak volumes about what Dish Network thinks of it’s customers but whatever the case, somebody should have caught it. I guess that’s what I’m here for, but I bet I’ll never see a dime for my consulting services, those greedy pricks.

Now let’s finish this up with something I found in the old
inbox
this morning. People’s timing is really good sometimes.

HOW TO WRITE GOOD
by Frank L. Visco

My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:

1… Avoid alliteration. Always.

2… Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3… Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat.)

4… Employ the vernacular.

5… Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

6… Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

7… It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

8… Contractions aren’t necessary

9… Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

10.. One should never generalize.

11.. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”

12.. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

13.. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.

14.. Profanity sucks.

15.. Be more or less specific.

16.. Understatement is always best.

17.. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

18.. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19.. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20.. The passive voice is to be avoided.

21.. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

22.. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

23.. Who needs rhetorical questions?

Tragedy

Those of us here at the VC would like to send our thoughts and condolences to the victimes, families, friends and anyone else touched by the tragedies yesterday in London, England. We’re a small modest site but we have our loyal British readers. We can only hope that this message finds them safe and that attacks like this will some day be a thing of the past. Be Safe, everyone.
Peace-Love-Unity
Matt and the VC staff.

And the Survey Says…

I happened to have the space channel on for a while, and I noticed a disturbing trend. I saw comercials in the same order. One for new skin bandages, one for Compound W, and one for sleep medications. Also in heavier concentrations than I’ve ever seen before were commercials for fast food, skittles, and computers. I was actually shocked to see a normal commercial for, oh, say, makeup or bank stuff. I got to thinking. There must be a reason for this format. It must have been researched and found out that those things are what are selling. Then a vision began to form in my head. This must be the classic space channel viewer. Warts on their feet, cuts on their hands, perhaps from repairing computers, with a bag of Wendy’s on one side and a bag of skittles on the other, unable to sleep. Could it really be the fate of all who watch the space channel? Should I run screaming from it right now? I should run…to the store..to get some….skittles..aaa it’s too late! I’ve become one of them!

Too Bad There’s Only 1 S In Astrology

Russian astrologer Marina Bai has
filed a $3 million lawsuit
against NASA over a recent experiment conducted by the agency that involved smashing a space probe into a comet called Tempel 1.

According to Bai, NASA’s reckless actions could not only be responsible for the eventual destruction of the planet Earth, but will also be responsible for future inaccuracies in her horoscope because the balance of the universe has been forever altered. I won’t bother asking about the *current*inaccuracies in my horoscope, I don’t want to ruin her chances of winning even if I am curious about how many comets NASA has already smashed. It has to be a lot, just look at the horoscope page of your local newspaper sometime.

Bai’s lawyer, who clearly has no problem saying absolutely anything no matter how stupid it sounds, went even further than his client in an apparent attempt to turn the suit into some sort of class action for complete retards.

“The impact changed the magnetic properties of the comet,” he stated, “and this could have affected mobile telephony here on Earth. If your phone went down this morning, ask yourself why? and then get in touch with us.”

But if my phone is down, how am I supposed to…oh never mind.

Engineers at NASA have dismissed Bai’s claims, comparing the impact to that of a “mosquito hitting the front of an airliner in flight,” and calling any effect on the world as we know it “negligible” at best.

So now it’s up to the Russian legal system, which clearly has nothing bigger to worry about, to decide the outcome of this fierce legal battle. NO word yet on when they’ll do that, but hopefully we can keep you posted.

People are Getting Weirder, or Is It Me?

Yes, I’m alive. I just haven’t been very interesting these days, or seen anything interesting enough to write about…until yesterday. I’ve been having to take Babs to the vet because she developed a lump that had to be removed, and then I saw some smaller lumps and so we came back. Most people who come to the vet seem normal enough. But this one woman I saw yesterday had me laughing to myself for a while.

I’m sitting here, waiting my turn, and this shy woman comes up to the reception desk. “Um, excuse me. I have an older cat, and she has trouble grooming her…back end. And now she’s developing…dreadlocks. I’ve been trying to groom her, but she snaps at me. So I was wondering if someone here could groom her, and we could sedate her.”

Ok, I was with her, until the sedation part. They’re actually going to keep the cat over night, put her under general anesthetic, and groom her that way. Isn’t there an easier way? Couldn’t she just buy some kind of harness to keep her still? I can’t believe what people will do for their animals nowadays. Maybe that’s a good sign. Maybe it means people are getting richer and have more money to spare for these things. Or maybe people are falling off the deep end. Either way, it sure looked weird to me.

Am I in the bizarro world?

Something weird happened to me, but it seems I say that a lot on here. The phone rang, it was a weird number, but since I got a cool deal from Bell by answering a weird number, I figured what the hell. So I pick up and some woman is on the phone asking if Mrs. insert my last name here, has received their sample of beef. I’m like what the hell? She explains that some local farmers have gotten together and this is some kind of promotional thing. So I say no, and then she says, well do your children eat beef? So I tell her that I’m alone, and there’s no Mrs. insert my name here. At this point, she immediately says, “Oh, sorry, I don’t want to waste your time. We won’t bother you any more.” Woe. A polite, easy to get rid of telemarketer? This is truly some kind of parallel universe. How did I get here?

God I feel boring

I feel bad about not coming up with anything to say for the last few days, but they’ve been pretty mundane and I didn’t see anything that screamed at me, so I didn’t just want to drivel on about nothing. But having to do what I’ve just finished doing made me realize how boring I really am.

Now that I’ve graduated, I’m trying to build up my resume. So I figured I’d start with volunteering and then hopefully find something that pays. I mean, I’ve got a part-time job that pays a little bit, and that’s cool. But it would be nice to find more. So I just phoned up a bunch of places who had volunteer stuff and started asking questions. And every one of them wants you to fill out an application, of course. All the applications ask you to say what all you’ve done in the past. And it’s at this point that I realize, it may have seemed like I’ve done a lot, but god I’ve done next to nothing. I feel like an even bigger loser when they ask me what my hobbies are and I have to think hard before coming up with something that doesn’t sound geeky or lame. Man, I need to get out more! Please tell me someone else has had this experience. Or maybe I’ve said too much.

Twisted Appreciation

I had something weird happen to me the other day, because weird things always happen to me. I was out with a bunch of people, and we were just talking. And one of them asked me if I had been blind all my life, the usual questions. I said yes. Then the person whips out this gem. “Wow, I really need to appreciate my eyes more.”

And it’s weird, because I wasn’t really offended. I’ve heard that before, it doesn’t really phase me. But it got me thinking. Why is it acceptable for people to say that about certain disabilities, but not others. Like, would anyone in their right mind walk up to a guy with no arms and say, “boy, I really need to appreciate my limbs more!” Or would people actually say to a cancer patient, “Gee I’m so lucky to be not going through chemo!” Or better yet, to a homeless bum fishing a sandwich out of a dumpster, “Man I’m lucky to eat 3 square meals a day!” It just seems too insensitive and weird. Please people, if you’re going to appreciate what you have and the person right in front of you doesn’t, maybe it would be a good idea to not say it to their face. For your own good. Hey it didn’t offend me, but that armless man might get offended and give you a new healthy respect for his legs.

Graduation Day

Well, graduation day came and went, and I can’t believe how weird this one was. Leading up to it, I thought, “Well I’ve had graduations before, and they were sort of special. At the very most, this one will be just as special.” But I was expecting it to be very insignificant because first, there’s less time for everybody, and second, I didn’t really know a lot of my fellow graduates. But boy was I wrong.

First off, there was the gooing and gushing of my parents. They were cute. They came down early, took me out for drinks at this little restaurant next door, reserved a place for lunch the next day after graduation, were all gooing over what I would wear, all that good fun.

Then there was the ceremony itself. Weirdness! First, you are directed into a room where “the gowning” would happen. I figured that meant they hand you a gown and you put it on. Nope. They tell you to lift your arms, and they physically put the gown on you! Then they fuss over whether it’s the right length, etc. Then they hand you this thing called a hood that you’re to carry on your left arm in a certain way so the point is pointing in a special direction, for what reason I don’t know. You are then informed that when you get on stage, a woman will take the hood from you and put it on your head. And this woman has a title, all-be-it not a very flattering one. They call her, get ready for it, queue the drum-roll please, the beetle! How would you like that name? You have been reduced to an insect whose sole purpose is to throw pieces of cloth on hundreds of people’s heads.

Then there’s the procession. With so much fanfare that it’s crazy. And of course there’s your five seconds of fame. When it is finally your turn to go up on the stage, you climb the steps, the beetle does her thing, and then you are supposed to kneal in front of…drum-roll again, the chancelor. That great figurehead whose purpose I cannot figure out except to shake our hands and say a few flowery words at graduation. There’s even something weird about him. To me, he sounded like he should be this giant black dude. Well, I got the black part right, but apparently it looks like if you squeezed his hand too hard, you’d break him because he’s so frail and old. At this point you turn your head and someone’s there snapping your picture. And down you come. It’s all over. You’ve stressed about tripping over the knealing bench, looking the right way, etc. and now it’s all behind you. They want their gown and hood back pronto because they’re going to put them on the next sweaty person’s body and head that afternoon. Wonderful thought. You wonder if the person who wore them before you had anything contageous. Then you shake your head and laugh at yourself. And then you remember that you paid for that ceremony…in a small way. And you’re glad you actually decided to go, so at the very least, you have memories of this weirdness.

So that was graduation. Probably you’re all bored. But hell, I thought it was pretty weird. Maybe I’ll come up with something better later.

Ipods

I just read this article over on Inside pulse and thought I’d link it here because it does a really great job of touching on a couple of things that I think about a lot. One of them is the idea that everybody’s life has its own musical soundtrack whether we realize it or not, and the other is the concept of constantly walking around with headphones on and what it does to the way you interact with the outside world. I’ve never understood the need that some people seem to have to always be attached to something that blasts music into their heads while drowning out the rest of the world.

Don’t get me wrong, I love music. But I also love to observe the little things that go on around me. Things that every one of us seem to take for granted. Things like the sound of birds singing when the weather doesn’t suck. Things like the sounds of kids laughing and having fun. The sound of the wind, or cars wizzing past. Things like the sound of 2 idiots fighting in public and making fools of themselves. Things like a person saying something extremely stupid that I can then tell all my friends about and maybe even post here so that people I don’t even know can laugh about it too. But most of all, things like people. I love getting the chance to talk to people I’ve never met while I’m on a bus or a train or in a bar or even just walking down the street. As dumb as people can be sometimes, a lot of them can be pretty interesting, and there’s no way to experience that when you spend your life isolating yourself from the rest of the world because you’d rather get lost in your own universe by way of a headset. I know there’s a time and a place for that, but does it really need to be all the time? The whole concept of spending my every waking moment hooked up to an Ipod seems so selfish to me, and at the same time, it seems so damaging to the social skills. It takes away any reason to deal with anything or anyone else other than when it’s absolutely necessary. Where’s the fun in that, and how can anybody consider that living? You’re not experiencing anything beyond your own self-contained and self-absorbed existence. How can that be good on any level? Quite simply, it can’t.

And on a related note, memo to all of you headphone people: When I can tell what song you’re listening to and what verse you’re at before you’ve even gotten on the bus, the volume is too high.