These Are So Accurate

Since these made me laugh and because there’s nothing wrong with a little hostility every now and then, enjoy these horoscopes that landed in my email today.

Aquarius (Jan 23 – Feb 22)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 – Mar 22)
You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 – April 22)
You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (April 23 – May 22)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

Gemini (May 23 – June 22)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 – July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people’s problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won’t be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 22)
You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 22)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23 – Jan 22)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

Most Of This Stuff Is Still Better Than A Lot Of What’s On Radio Right Now

If you’ve ever wondered what it would sound like if Andy Griffith sang House of the Rising Sun, if you’ve never had the chance to experience the pure awesomeness that is Leonard Nimoy belting out Proud Mary, or even if you’ve just plain never had the misfortune of hearing what Yoko Ono sounds like, then you have to check out
The Rock & Roll Hall of Shame
right now, or as close to right now as you can.

In a way this site is somewhat similar to
Miserable Melodies,
the difference being that Melodies has a wider selection of this crap than the Hall does, and they also feature full songs and a rating system. But they’re both very funny, and I challenge any of you to sit through all 3 plus minutes of Yoko Ono’s John John without either turning it off or busting out laughing even though you don’t want to.

Rogers, U R not Cool!

No, I didn’t degenerate into a moron, I did that on purpose. I got a cellphone bill the other day. While I was reading through it, I got to a point where they throw in their regularly scheduled advertising blabber. The piece I hit was encouraging us all to turn into mutes and use text messaging on our cell *phones*. Well they didn’t exactly say, “become a mute just for us.” or anything, but they were trying to make text messaging sound cool. And the title was, “R U texting yet?” Ok, knock it off. It’s bad enough that some people don’t know how to type because of that crap and only know how to write in Leet Speak. So we certainly don’t need Rogers, or any company, legitimizing it! I know I know, they were trying to be cool. It just scares me to see stuff that’s supposed to stay in the realm of the internet or dumbass IM’s on a bill. Ok I’ll stop bitching. L8r? No no no no! I will not give in to the dark side!

I’m back, did ya miss me?

This Is Babs
Probably not haha. You were probably enjoying the pece and quiet. But alass, your peace and quiet is officially disturbed.

I’m home from guide dog school, and now no longer live alone in my apartment. I share it with a 52 or so-pound 2-year-old yellow lab named Babs. This is the description I’ve been given of her. She’s got black around her eyes as if she’s wearing makeup, a cute little black nose, and long floppy very soft ears that gradually darken as you go down. She’s got a big head, and her eyes seem to look sad. She’s a doll, although she’s got attitude. She’s just like a 2-year-old kid, trying to see exactly how much I’ll let her away with.

Guide dog training was sure busy. Lots and lots of walking, duh. But I got in shape, my parents say. They say I lost weight and got some colour in my face. And I didn’t even feel it! But at the end I just completely flopped. There was no way I could have sent a blog post from there, the computer was so bloody slow I barely checked my email. But at least I had a computer to check email with.

It’s funny to come home with her now. At first I didn’t believe them when they said coming home would be the hardest part. Oh yeah, for sure. First of all, the poor thing didn’t take too well to being trucked to my parents’ house, then trucked over to see grandma, then trucked to my brother’s, and then to my house in Guelph. Let’s just say the stress was showing by the end. And then there’s the whole managing your stuff plus the dog’s stuff. At the school, we had our meals done for us, and we lived in a room. What possible cleaning needs to be done? The only chore we had was laundry. So you come home and suddenly you have groceries to buy, meals to cook, your own life to lead, plus take care of the dog. The first couple days I was just plain exhausted. Thank god I had mom and dad there.

And she went nutso when we came home. One of her new tricks is to try and eat every loose piece of garbage off the sidewalk. And near where I live, little did I know, there’s a lot of litter! I now have a new disgust for litterbugs. Please,how hard is it to throw your trash in a trash can? It’s not very nice to have to reach down at every street corner and pry things out of your dog’s mouth in front of people. It doesn’t look nice either. I’m so afraid someone will say I’m abusing my dog because there I am, squeezing her snout with one hand and opening the other half of her jaw with the other, looking mad, and wrenching around in there. Sure they’re not supposed to eat things off the sidewalk, but it would be so easy to just remove that temptation altogether!

But I shouldn’t make her out to be all bad. She’s actually quite well-behaved considering. She hasn’t had one accident in my house, and here I am running out and getting dog-urine-odour be gone just in case. Not one accident. She hasn’t stolen anything off my table, or anyone else’s table. Hell she’s a brand new dog…I think she’s allowed to go a little insane.

And that’s the short scoop on me. I’m sure I’ll have more to say that’s a hell of a lot more interesting than guide dog babble. But I figured after all the preamble, the least I could do is give you the scoop on her. I have a picture of her, but I don’t know how to load pictures on this thing…anybody know how?

I hope everybody’s enjoying the nice weather. Yea summer coming early! If only we had this weather when I was training. It was nice weather, but it threatened to drizzle all the time. Oh well, I was still warm, so maybe this weather would have made me turn all read and sweaty. Anyway, enough for now. Hope everyone is well. Back later.

You Wanna Go Where Everybody Knows Your…Initials?

Until today, I thought that I had either experienced or heard about every kind of telemarketing stupidity there was. But as it turns out, I was wrong, very very wrong.

Let me set the scene for you. I’m sitting at the computer, trying to get a little work done, when suddenly the phone rings. I know it’s a telemarketer because I have Caller ID, but I also know that it’s best to answer the phone and get talking to them over with otherwise they’ll start calling my house every damn day until I do.

So I pick up the phone, hoping that it’s my phone company because they’re pretty awesome and most of the time when they call I end up saving myself a little money, but no, it’s not them. It’s the ITC Group calling on behalf of Capital One, and they’re looking to speak with S MyLastNameGoesHere. Completely taken aback by this, I say “who?” And the woman comes back with “I’m looking for a person with the first initial S and the last name” she says my last name again. Partly because I’m not thinking quickly enough due to not being fully awake even though I’ve been up for 2 hours by this point and partly because I can’t believe what I’m hearing, the best thing I can come up with in response is “I don’t know who that is, my name is Frank Johnson.” The woman apologizes for the mistake, even calling me Frank as she does so, and then hangs up.

Folks, this marks a new low in telemarketing history, I’m not kidding. I honestly wonder what they must be thinking when they make up these lists.

Marketing Genius Number 1: “Oh, we don’t know this guy’s name, but I’m sure he won’t notice, let’s call him anyway.”

Marketing Genius Number 2: “But won’t it make our drones look like idiots when they have to ask if Some Guy is around?”

Marketing Genius Number 1: “Who cares, we don’t have to do it.”

Marketing Genius Number 2: “Good point, write him in.”

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I don’t do business with these people when they do know who they’re looking for, so what makes them think that anybody is going to want whatever their service is when they don’t even know who they want to talk to? In fact, what they’re really doing is turning away a potential customer by not only invading the person’s home uninvited and unwanted, but then further insulting that person by not even having the common courtesy to know who he or she is once they get there.

Guys, it’s simple. If you don’t know who I am, don’t call my house unless it’s an accident or a prank phone call. And if you’re going with the prank phone call, please, for the love of God make it a good one. A lot of you really suck at it, but that’s another post for another time.

Finding The News So You Don’t Have To

It seems a lot has happened this week in the world of strange news. As I sit here scanning through the headlines over on
Ananova.com,
a few things are catching my eye, so since I’m cool like that, I thought I might as well share. Besides, the site is hurting for new material so this is a good excuse for me to post something. So before I waste any more of your time, let’s get to it.

*A businessman in The Ukraine was arrested recently while he was
sunbathing.
The problem? His sun spot of choice was a busy city street.

The man reportedly stripped down to his underwear, folded his suit neatly beside him, and spent the next hour lying on the pavement in Leo Tolstoy Square before police finally arrived to take him away. When questioned about his actions, he told the arresting officer that it was simply too nice a day to do any work.

*Police investigating reports of a house in Holland having been broken into were surprised to discover the 2 burglars
having sex
in the home. The couple, a 39-year-old man and 35-year-old woman, said that they had broken into the house because they desperately wanted to make love. the best part? Police said that the pair would not be charged with any sort of crime.

*A new ambulance survice has launched in Chile exclusively for
dying plants.
No, you didn’t read that wrong. Well ok, if you thought it said dying pants or something then you did read it wrong, but yes, I did say dying plants.

The fleet, owned by a company called SOS Express, consists of 4 green ambulances complete with sirens and flashing lights.

When they get a call from somebody with a plant in distress, one of the ambulances is immediately dispatched along with a horticultural expert who will do everything possible to save the day.

Question: Which of these 2 is a dumber concept, plant ambulance or pet psychologist? Personally, I’m torn.

*Researchers have figured out how late you have to be before you’re
officially late.

According to their findings, at the 10 minute 17 second mark, it’s time to put in a call to the place where you’re supposed to be and let somebody know that you’re not going to make it on time.

And while you’re busy being 10 minutes and 17 seconds late for something, a lot of stuff is going on around you. Check out this snip from the article.

“During that time, 12 babies will be born in England and Wales, there will be eight road accidents, 3,804 people will board an aeroplane and 590 million e-mails will be sent worldwide.”

It would be cool if they could narrow that email figure down to the number of them that have something to do with penis enlargement.

*I guess we can call this “Attack of the Bones.”

Malaysian police are on the hunt for a man who has been
flashing women
while dressed in a Darth Vader costume.

I’ll let this part of the original article set the scene for you.

“Priscilla, 33, a factory supervisor, said the man got out of his car, strutted about menacingly in his Darth Vader suit before flashing to 15 women workers standing at a bus stop at 7am.

“At first, I thought he was a die-hard Star Wars fan trying to impress us with his costume. But we were shocked when he showed us his private parts,” she told Malaysia’s Star newspaper.

The women were waiting for buses to take them home after their night shift.

When some of the women screamed, he jumped into his car and drove off.

“Next time it will not be Revenge of the Sith but revenge on a sick man if we catch him doing his act again,” Priscilla added.”

I’m digging the highly creative threat there.

This same man is also the prime suspect in another Darth flashing that took place at a second factory in the area.

*And we’ll finish things off with a couple that caught my eye but that I’m not taking the time to write up.

*
Danish Brewers strike for right to drink
Because Apparently banning beer from the shop floor and the staff canteen is an invasion of personal freedom even though they’re still allowed to drink 6 free bottles of their product a day when they’re not on company time.

*
Japan builds bridge for monkeys
But how do they plan to get them to obey the signs?

Ok, that’s it. We’re done and I’m sleepy. I’ll be back later, and Carin should be back again soon too, so check back for that.

Sellout Central

My favourite one man band,
Brad Sucks,
recently launched yet another website.

The site, called
Sellout Central,
features downloadable mp3’s of hard to find independent songs by bands that are virtually unknown.

All of the songs are picked by Brad himself, and each new posted instalment will feature 5 or so tunes that he finds himself digging at any given time. You can download each track separately or you can get the whole shebang as a podcast if you’re into that sort of thing.

I just finished checking out the first selections a few minutes ago and there’s some neat stuff up there. The cool thing about it is that no song sounds like any of the other ones, so you’ll be exposed to 5 completely different sounds over the span of just as many songs.

The best of the bunch in my opinion is a rocky sounding tune called “Drunk Again” by Adrian Mander. The guy can’t really sing or anything, but since when was that a staple of a good song? He sounds like he’s having a good time performing it though and to me that counts for something. In spots his voice sounds a little bit like Mr. Garrison from South Park, but maybe that’s just me, who knows?

So go and enjoy the music, and I’ll be back sometime later with something else.

I’m So Not Creative

Every now and then I sit around and think to myself, “self, you have some weird ideas sometimes.” Then I’ll hear about something like
this,
and I start to wonder if I’m really all that odd after all.

A 38-year-old chinese man has figured out that he can pull a car with his ears while walking on eggs. The kicker? He can do it without hurting himself or breaking the eggs. This same guy, who’s name is Zhang Xingquan, also has the ability to pick up a 25kg bicycle using only his mouth, also while standing on eggs. He said that he started figuring out that he could do these stunts when he was just 8 years old.

Well, there goes my theory about him being some drunken college kid saying to his buddies “hey guys, watch this.”

I’ll never understand how people come up with this stuff. I can almost get my head around the car pulling part of it, but when does breakfast food enter into the equation? It just boggles my mind that there’s a guy out there that hauling vehicles with his ears isn’t hard enough for. And I have to wonder whether the egg thing was his own idea, or something that a buddy of his came up with? That would take some balls wouldn’t it?

“Yeah Zhang, that car pulling thing is pretty cool, but some other guy probably does that already. Hang on, I’m gonna make this harder. Let me see what we’ve got in the fridge.”

And instead of getting all pissed off about not being able to impress the asshole, Zhang would have had to have been all like “yeah, you’re right, grab me some food I can stand on and I’ll do it again.”

I guess it’s just one of those things that I’m not meant to understand, and maybe that’s for the best. If anybody needs me, I’ll be figuring out how to drive spikes through my skull without hurting myself, and pondering the best possible way to work grapefruits into the deal somewhere.

Hi

Hey everybody. Just popping in to let you know that I’m still alive. Sorry about the lack of posting over the last few days, but there’s only 1 of us around right now and I haven’t been very interesting this week. Nothing funny or thought provoking has happened to me over the last few days and nothing has pissed me off or made me laugh sufficiently enough for me to be able to write something even semi-interesting about it. when that happens, you either get nothing or you get this, so here it is.

I won
my Idiot’s Argument
pretty handily. I don’t think TCBT got a single vote. That doesn’t mean he sucked though, it just means that more people agree with me which is cool because I’m right. But he stated his case well and it was hard to come back with something good enough to respond to all of his arguments. Good job buddy, it was fun.

If you didn’t get a chance to read it, click above and you can. The voting has ended, but the column is still there if you’re up for checking it out.

Somebody out there needs to run a virus scan, like now. I’ve lost count of the number of viruses or German hate Spam generated by viruses that I’ve gotten in the mail since the weekend, but I’d say it’s pushing 100 or more by now.

I don’t understand why some people still don’t protect themselves against this crap. Even the newest computer user has to know that this stuff exists and that it’s dangerous, so why not do something to protect yourself, your computer, and the computers of your friends and family? It’s not that hard to install and maintain an anti-virus program, and it doesn’t take that much time either. Once you get it set up, all you have to do is remember to update it regularly and use some common sense and not blindly open attachments that show up in your email, no matter where they come from.

Somehow we need to make it a crime to run an internet connected computer without a current and functioning anti-virus program on it. And if there was a way to do that without getting the government involved in it, that would be even better, especially considering how effective that fucking anti-Spam legislation the United States passed was. Good job guys, I’ve gotten more Spam than ever before since that thing became law. I suppose it’s mission accomplished if you use the George Bush Iraq conflict definition of the phrase, but to the rest of the world, things have only gotten worse.

See, I told you there wouldn’t be very much to this post. When nothing’s going on it’s hard to come up with material. I’ll do my best though. In the meantime, if any of you have any topic ideas or interesting stuff to pass along, leave a comment or send it to me and I’ll see what I can come up with.

Until we talk again, save the whales, and see if you can collect the whole set.

"Belief in sex-mad demon tests nerves in Zanzibar"

This is one of the strangest things I’ve ever read,
and I suggest that you all click over and read it too, even if it’s for no other reason than that this might be your only chance to see the words “sodomizing gremlin” in a serious news article.

I’m not even going to try summarizing this one, because nothing I could possibly write could put any more of a weird spin on it.