People Are Cute Part 2

Well I couldn’t think of anything better, so there it is. I really don’t know why I’m writing about this, so hopefully I’ll write myself a point eventually. I didn’t do much for Easter, basically because my parents were just down a couple weeks ago to see my brother and I since we’re somewhat close to each other, so they didn’t feel like making the big 6 or so hour drive down again, which is completely understandable.

So I’m sitting here, reading for school for my last paper of my degree, and I hear at my door, “knock knock knock.” So I go to answer it, and it’s my neighbour. He’s just been awesome, you couldn’t ask for a better neighbour. He even shovels a little path when it snows.

Anyway, here he stands at my door with a package of goodies for me, wishing me a happy Easter! I felt like such a shmuck because I didn’t have anything for him. It was all wrapped up cute and there’s a bunny and some hot crossed buns. And here I thought I’d have no Easter treats because I felt like a loser buying them for myself.

And now everyone stares at me as if to say, “and your point is…?” I guess unexpected surprises are cool, provided they aren’t the bad kind of course. I just thought that was the cutest thing ever.

Goodbye Free Speech, Hello Government Controlled Education

Florida Republicans are trying to get a bill through the State’s House of Representatives that would allow students to file suit against university professors who they feel aren’t respecting or giving fair representation to their chosen religious beliefs, and even more frightening than that, their beliefs in general.

Dennis Baxley, the bill’s sponsor, says that the legislation, which is ironically titled The Academic Freedom Bill of Rights, is required because a university education should be more than “one biased view by the professor, who as a dictator controls the
classroom.”

I’m all for balance and fairness, but what’s being proposed here goes way too far. What ever happened to the concept of listening to what somebody is saying, processing it with your own brain power, and then using what you’ve heard and what you already know to formulate your own opinions on the subject and on the world as a whole? The idea that all sides of an issue need to be validated as right headed even when one side has been undoubtedly proven wrong is insane.

And let’s not even start on why, in a day and age where universities claim to be woefully underfunded and students claim to be broke, the State would think it wise to place more of a cost burden on either side over something as ordinary and vital as an academic personal opinion or more than that, a proven fact. What Baxley and his fellow party members are forgetting is that facts are legal and in most cases, so are opinions. I’d like to think that something like this, if it were to pass, would have 0 chance of surviving a constitutional challenge.

And while we’re on the subject of Republicans forgetting things, when did it slip their minds that one of their most dearly held principles is that government shouldn’t be involved in every aspect of the lives of the people? First The patriot Act, then Terri Schiavo, and now the education of future generations. I know I’ve probably missed quite a few along the way but my point is where does it end? I think Michael Moore was right when he wrote that the Republicans and Democrats should merge into 1 big party since it’s hard to tell one from the other anymore.

You can read the article that started all of this by clicking
here.

Something’s Wrong with this Picture

I was lying in bed last night and I had the TV on, and I heard something that kinda freaked me out. An oil of ole commercial came on, and that seemed ordinary enough, until I heard what they were selling. I think everybody knows what Oil of Ole is, right? They make stuff to put on your skin to make it look nicer. But this commercial was talking about how they are now making vitamins! Ya know? Pills? Something to take to give you antioxidents to give you younger-looking skin.

Does this scare anyone else? Should a company that makes creams for the face be making drugs? I know it’s just vitamins, but vitamins are still drugs! You’re still taking it and who knows what’s in it? I don’t know. I just find it kinda creepy that people who don’t specialize in drugs are making them now. Next we’ll have toothpaste companies making vitamins to give us stronger teeth, shampoo companies making vitamins to give us shinier hair, who knows? Stick to what you know, thank you very much!

Look at Me, I have a Cell Phone!

What is it with some people and cell phones? Some people have cell phones, but they’re there for emergencies, or they use them, but they’re discrete about it. With some people, it’s hillarious to watch them when their cell phone rings. they just don’t know how to answer the thing it rings so rarely. Hell half the time you have to tell them, “dude, that’s yours.”

But then there are the other people, the ones that give the cell phone it’s bad name. It’s like they think that because they carry a phone that they are somehow more important. First there are the loud talkers. It’s like they have to announce to everyone that they’re going to meet Joe and Bob downtown, and yes they’re on the bus right now. Come on, you don’t need to yell, there is a mic in the mouthpiece.

Then there are the ones that are always available. They leave the bloody cell phone on even when they’re in class and can’t answer it if they wanted to. Then, after it rings once, they don’t have the intelligence to, ya know, turn it off. It’s one thing to forget it’s on and then it rings. oh crap. But at that point, turn it off and save yourself the humiliation and us the irritation of hearing your cell phone incessantly singing. If your cell phone is your only phone, then get voice mail and turn it off in class. And aren’t these always the ones with elaborate ringtones? So you’re sitting in class, and from behind you, some work of Mozart is being played in all its synthesized cell phone glory. Come on, it’s a ringtone. Wouldn’t, ring ring be enough? I can’t believe what is being turned into ringtones now. Somebody’s cell phone clucks llike a chicken when it rings.

And now, we have cell phones that speak the time. Stellar. What’s not so stellor is its use in the middle of a speech. Seriously, I was sitting at a table with a guy who thought he was the king of Spain or something, and he would always check the time on his cell phone and it would speak it out in a loud tinny voice, right in the middle of someone’s speech. And he wasn’t even blind! Come on, use that big round thing with hands and a face called a clock? Ya know? Or, they have real neat miniaturized ones you can wear on your wrist, they’re called a watch! What a concept! Or, at least have the decency tomuffle the voice!

And here’s a kicker. Yesterday I was sitting in class, and the prof’s cell phone went off. And he answered it! And then he asked us all to say hi to his wife! Then it rang again, and he answered that one to! Like come on, turn it off when you teach! Is something so life and death happening that you have to have it on and answer every call? If there was, I’d understand, but he just had a relaxed exchange with his wife and then told her when he wasn’t teaching anymore.

What is with this phenomenon of needing to be constantly connected wherever people go? Does it make them feel better? Needed? Incredibly invaluable? I wish I had half the importance these people glued to their cell phones imagine they have. Even at half, I’d be pretty special.

Just When I Think I’ve Seen It All…

Today there was a gas leak in the building where my radio station is. Naturally we all had to be evacuated, thank God it was a nice day, that’s all I really have to say about that. I mean there’s no convenient time to almost blow up, but if you have to explode, it’s probably better to go out with a nice sunny day as your last memory rather than getting snowed on, freezing your ass off [at least until the inferno gets you,] or getting rained on. But whatever, that’s not really the point.

The gas leak in itself wasn’t really all that eventful. It happened, we all got the hell out of the building, and then we were eventually let back in once somebody decided that it was safe. And there’s where the fun began.

I headed back inside about 5 or 10 minutes after they gave the all clear. The first thing I noticed was that the person in charge of clearing the building must either be stupid, have no sense of smell, or both because there was still a pretty strong odour even before I got back in. But at the same time as I noticed that and questioned the wisdom of heading back inside, I noticed another smell. Cigarettes. Yes, I said cigarettes. There was honestly somebody standing right in front of the building, the one that we had all ran out of in a frenzy not an hour earlier due to a leaking flammable substance that could blow us all sky highat a moment’s notice, having a smoke. I hope I don’t have to explain why that’s not a good idea.

All the way home I could only think one thought. It must be people like this that they write the warning labels for. But the more I think about it, that can’t possibly be, because in order for that to be the case you would have to rely on these people to have sense and smarts enough to take the time to read something and even if they did, they’re still faced with the daunting task of figuring out what it all means.

I have no good ending for this so I’m just going to go make lunch now.

Someone Will Buy This

I’m not making this up, I swear. This is an actual advertisement for an actual product that actual people will actually buy.

Sometimes I wish I worked in the marketing industry just so I could sit in on the meetings and get a look at the ideas they reject, since this is the kind of stuff they approve.

Practice Your Putting on the Potty
Introducing the Tee-Time Bathroom Golf Set

As any true golfer will tell you, you can never spend too much time practicing your golf game. And with the Tee-Time Bathroom golf set, you can utilize every minute spent in the can to practice your putting skills.

Just unroll the portable green and putt away. And it makes a great gift for that golfer in your life that already has everything. Order yours today for $19.99.

The toilet time golf game lets you practice your putting while going to the bathroom. Sure it sounds funny, but for the golfer that just can’t get enough of the game, it’s the perfect gift item.Set includes:

*Portable Putting Mat
*2 Golf Balls
*Putter
*Cup with Flag
*Occupied Sign

Part of me hopes this is some kind of a joke that they forgot to mention in the ad, but part of me wants to meet the guy who sees this thing in the store and goes “hey, that’s a good idea!” Then again, that part of me would probably regret having to have a conversation with that person so maybe I should retract that statement.

Real Band Names

Here is a list of supposedly real band names. I can’t speak for all of them but I’ve heard of a few so since I’m too lazy to do research, I’ll just assume that the rest are too. But even if they aren’t, some of them are pretty funny and need to be used as soon as possible.

Before starting a rock band, you should know that the following names are taken:

[ a ]
· Albino Toilet Boys
· Alcoholocaust
· Alcoholics Unanimous
· Apocalypse Hoboken

[ b ]
· Biff Hitler and the Violent Mood Swings
· The Band Formerly Known As Sausage
· Band Over
· Band That Shot Liberty Valence
· Barbara’s Bush
· Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggits
· The Bourbon Tabernacle Choir
· The Boxing Ghandis
· Brady Bunch Lawnmower Massacre
· Breakfast in Beruit
· Bulimia Banquet

[ c ]
· Caltransvestites
· Cap’n Crunch and the Cereal Killers
· Carnage Asada
· Cindy Brady’s Lisp
· Cortizone 5
· Cottage Cheese from the Lips of Death

[ d ]
· The Dancing French Liberals of 1848
· The Dead Sea Squirrels
· The Dead Kennedys
· The Dick Clarks
· The Dick Nixons
· Drunks With Guns

[ e ]
· e. coli
· Edith Head
· Electric Prostates
· Elvis Hitler
· Ethyl Merman

[ f ]
· Fearless Iranians From Hell
· Fields of Shit
· The 4-Skins
· Four Nurses of the Apocalypse
· The French are from Hell
· Fromage d’Amour

[ g ]
· Gefilte Joe and the Fish
· Gonoreagan

[ h ]
· Headless Marines
· Hell Camino
· Herpes Cineplex
· Hindu Garage Sale
· Hitler’s Bikini
· HIV and the Positives
· Honest Bob and the Factory to Dealer Incentives
· Hornets Attack Minnie’s Mouse

[ i ]
· Inhale Mary

[ j ]
· Janitors Against Apartheid
· Jehovah’s Waitresses
· Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program
· Jesus Christ Super Fly
· Jesus Chrysler Supercar
· Jesus Manson and the Starvation Army
· JFKFC
· Jonestown Punch

[ k ]
· Kathleen Turner Overdrive
· Kerrigan’s Knees

[ l ]
· Lack of Afro
· Lawn Piranhas
· The Leave It To Beaver Conehead Immolation
· Lee Harvey Keitel
· Lesbian Ninjas
· Louder Than God

[ m ]
· Mao Tse Helen
· Mary Kay and the Cosmetics
· Max Roach and the Holders
· Minnie Pearl’s Jam
· Mr. Happy and the Genocides
· My Dog Has Hitler’s Brain

[ n ]
· Nate Nocturnal and the Nightly Emissions
· Nervous Christians and the Lions
· Norman Bates and the Shower Heads
· Not Drowning, Waving

[ p ]
· Pabst Smear
· Pearl Harbor and the Explosions
· Penis DeMilo
· Pepto Dismal
· Phenobarbidols
· Phlegm Fatale
· Poultry in Motion
· Pretentious Flamedogs
· The Pro-Midget Mafia
· Psychic Buddhist Gorillas
· Psycho Sluts from Hell
· Pungent Frustration

[ r ]
· Raging Pimps of Doom
· Reluctant Stereotypes
· Results of Inbreeding
· Retarded Elf
· Roid Rogers and the Whirling Butt Cherries

[ q ]
· Quasimodo and the Eunuchs

[ s ]
· Sandy Duncan’s Eye
· Screaming Headless Torsos
· Screaming Iguanas of Love
· Screaming Moist Accountants
· Septic Death
· Seven Year Bitch
· The Shamu Afterbirth Orchestra
· Shirley Temple of Doom
· Shirley Temple Pilots
· Simulated Orgasms [Simulerte Orgasmer]
· Skeptic Tank
· Smegma & the Nuns
· Smorgasborgnine
· Solosex
· The Sound of Munich
· Spastic Colon
· The Sphinctones
· Stukas Over Bedrock

[ t ]
· Taliban Tootsies
· Ted Bundy’s Volkswagen
· The Telephony Bandits of Doom
· Testostertones
· Thank God We’re Immortal
· They Tried To Frame OJ
· To Live and Shave in LA
· Toxic Shock and the Tampons
· Tracy & the Hindenburg Ground Crew
· Tragic Mulatto Hairdo
· Transsexual Hitler

[ u ]
· Uncle Dickie’s Shameless Quickies

[ v ]
· The Velcro Pygmies
· Vic Morrow’s Head

[ w ]
· The Well Hung Hungarians
· Willie Nelson Mandela

[ y ]
· Yoko Homo

[ z ]
· Zombies Under Stress

Do I scare you?

And now, let’s make a complete U-turn. As I look at all these bitching posts, I have to wonder, what do you guys think of me? Not that my life depends on what others think of me, but sometimes I get curious.

And…there’s another reason. I’ve had a history of being called less than flattering things. I’ve been called a force of nature, a bitch, just plain scary, and people would just make references to how I seemed angry all the time. At first, I shrugged it off as a few people who didn’t know me well, or there was a reason I was a bitch to them and it was just in that context. A small part of me was proud that I could strike fear into people. “Little me? Scary? Way cool! I must harness this power.”

But then, people who didn’t know me well at all, and would have a couple chance meetings with me, or people I had no intention of scaring, started making comments, and then I got worried. I don’t want to scare people. I don’t want to be intimidating. I want people to know that they can’t walk all over me, but I don’t want to be this horrible monstrous person that people run away from in fear. Of course I can’t ask people who I know are a little freaked at me why they feel this way, because they immediately reply, “No, you’re not scary.” Somehow they think this will make me feel better. But I know it’s not true, because they’ll also apologize at the drop of a hat when they think they’ve offended me.

So, do I scare you guys? Be honest, I wanna know. Really, I won’t bite your head off.