Things That Never Happened On Star Trek

This was emailed to me yesterday and I thought it was pretty funny. I’m not a big Star Trek fan myself, but I know a lot of people who are and judging from what I’ve seen and heard of the show through them, this seems pretty well accurate to me.

*Things That Never Happened On Star Trek*..
 

  1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before.
  2. The Enterprise visits a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly alright.
  3. Some of the crew visit the holodeck, and it works properly.
  4. The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new life-form, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old life-form wearing a funny hat.
  5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a mysterious plague for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick-bay.
  6. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
  7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.
  8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with the Enterprise’s computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
  9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
  10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
  11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some chocolate.
  12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called “Paradise” where everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems.
  13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone’s satisfaction.
  14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.
  15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn’t tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
  16. Counselor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
  17. The warp engines start going haywire, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.
  18. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of one in three sentences that anyone says to him.

Carin’s Guide Dog Diary: Day 9

It’s Monday again. Drag drag drag. I’m so tired. And another week is beginning. I’m still worried about that missing key cap. It would make me happy if someone found it, and not in some dog’s poop either.

Poor Amy. Dynamo puked this morning. What’s with all the sick dogs? I guess if they all came from the kennels that’s a fine place to pick up bugs, so as long as they’re just little bugs it’s ok. Some other dog hurled in the relieving circle. Poor puppy.

Breakfast sounds weird. Vegetable something. Lunch is grilled steak of some kind with a bunch of veggies and dinner is Chicken Parmesan.

Today is a busy day. Oy yoy yoy. Two lectures in the morning, then we have to do obedience on route! What the hell? Then pooping and watering and lunch, and this afternoon, it’s a lecture on advanced corrections? Huh? More corrections? Then tonight it’s dinner, and a workshop on ear cleaning and heelling practice with a gental leader. Gimme gimme gimme a gental leader! That helped to reduce the sniffitude with the Babsy pup. Then it’s relieve and fall down.

Alright, time to eat this mystery breakfast. I’m sure it will be good.

It was a long day, but a good day. First off, I found that key cap, safely on my bed. Yea, no dog ate it! Breakfast was good, a little weird, but good. The lectures were short, one about orientation and learning routes, and one about leaving puppy unattended. Then we went to town, and I finally got the basic route straight! Now if only I could master the damn turns from dorm to bus! I think I’ve got them now, but now it’s just a matter of getting them down.

One of the retrains, Deborah, is staying in our hall. She’s only here for a week, can you believe it? So she’s in our training, for some reason I’m not sure of.

They took Dynamo to the vet, brought him back, and for some reason his tests will take a couple of days! So my poop test took an hour, but this stuff takes a couple days? What? Meanwhile, Amy has to restle Dynamo into the relieving circle because of his need to pee. The poor woman’s frustrated.

So lunch was good, and then we found out about the advanced stuff. What it was was showing us the collars we can use if the regular collar just doesn’t work. There was an evil-looking prong collar, a nylon collar that just sits higher on their neck, and the good old gental leader. Autumn hated the look of it and I was just like gimme gimme gimme! They fitted it to my woofer. Let’s see if we need it. But I’m glad I have it. So it was relieve and head for the bus and do the basic route again. Holy crap she felt faster this time. I had Brenda the O and M because they were short-staffed today, and she said she didn’t look any faster than this morning, it was my stamina. But she didn’t blow a single curb. She blew a couple curbs this morning, mostly up curbs, but there was no curb-blowage this afternoon. I had to tell her to be careful once because she made my right foot go off the curb and once I thought she was going to take me into traffic, but it was all good in the end. It was raining this morning, but this afternoon the sun came out and it got nice, but not before some people got soaked. Then I fed her and did the usual ritual.

I ran into Becky the counsellor. She can make you melt before you even know you’re having trouble. She’s like how are things going? I’m like good, she’s good. She goes how are you? She does that and it can just turn you to mush!

So then I went to the room here and took food past some retrains trying to get their dogs to heel. Oo I’m providing food distraction. Well I’d better run. Chimes are about to ring.

Well, the chimes didn’t ring. Oh well, supper was good. When it was over I brushed her teeth, and then we learned how to clean ears! It’s so easy! You put this stuff on some cotton, you shove it in their ear and you take it out. Repeat for other ear. Beauty. How come Ottawa doesn’t do ears?

I helped Carmen print a letter she has to send to her landlord, then we sat on her patio and had a long talk. I really like her. She just knows people.

Man the dogs were nuts tonight because all the retrains got their dogs today. Holy crap. Trixie likes Belamie a lot. She licked his ear, the goofy head. Oh, and we also did heeling practice with the gental leader, and I’m still not sure how to do corrections because she didn’t do a single thing wrong. She heeled perfectly. She may end up wearing it.

We practiced the song again. Carmen’s hillarious, just the way she directs things.

That’s about it. I’m crashing now.

I’m Thinking About Aborting The Quest For A good Title For This. Can I Have My Money Now?

This one definitely wins the Most Retarded Thing I’ve Heard In A Long Long Time award.

Texas State Senator Dan Patrick has
filed a piece of legislation
that would see the government pay pregnant women considering abortions $500 each not to go through with the procedure and then give the finished product up for adoption.

According to him, there were 75,000 abortions in the state of Texas last year, and that’s just too damn high. He said when commenting on his legislation during a conference that if his money could have convinced just 5% of those women not to terminate their pregnancies, nearly as many lives would have been saved as have been lost in Iraq.

I suppose that’s technically correct, but the way I see it, it’s also morally wrong and at least somewhat legally suspect. What Patrick is proposing here is that the state of Texas approach expectant mothers who aren’t really into the whole expectant mother thing and offer to buy their children from them. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that illegal? There are laws in most so-called civilized nations against trading a human life for something of value, right? Last time I checked, babies counted as human life and 500 bucks was a pretty solid chunk of change, so I don’t see how a program like this would stand much of a chance once the legal challenges started and believe me, they would.

And let’s say this thing passes and isn’t squashed right away like it should be. How do you protect the Cash For Kids program from the people who would be using it? Even the type of brain-dead idiot who would come up with an idea like this should know that there will be people who turn themselves into baby factories to try to make a little extra money for themselves. What do you do about them, and more specifically, how do you distinguish between them and a person who has legitimately beaten the odds and had multiple truly accidental pregnancies? There’s no easy way to legally prove one side or the other, so anybody who sues when their request for payment gets turned down would have at least a fair chance of winning, and what they would win would make that $500 seem like pocket change.

I’m sure there are more legal issues here, but those are the ones that stuck out to me the most when I read about the idea.

Now let’s talk about the other aspect of this, the children. They’re given up for adoption and they eventually grow up and decide that they want to know where they came from, and I’m not talking about the birds and the bees stuff either. But since I did mention them, can somebody explain to me how it is that when birds and bees fuck they wind up with human babies? I’ve never understood that. Anyway, back to the matter at hand. Little Johnny hears the cold hard truth, that his parents aren’t who he was always raised to believe they were. So he sets off on a quest to find out what the real deal is. he goes through stacks and stacks of records and miles and miles of red tape to finally discover that his real mother is located somewhere in Texas, and that she sold him for beer money. that’s gonna do wonders for the bottom lines of countless therapists I’m sure, but it won’t do much for the lives of the innocent children that Dan Patrick was trying to save.

In the end, what we’re left with is State sponsored bribery and thousands of shattered adult lives all in the name of furthering a morral code that nobody has any right to enforce on another human being. that’s real nice Dan, real nice. Nice and short-sighted, that is.

Carin’s Guide Dog Diary: Day 8

It’s Sunday. Ug. Am I ever happy it’s Sunday. I mean I still had to get up for 6:15 or so for the 6:30 relieve, but after that and breakfast, it was back to bed with me. Trixie seemed cool with that too. The poor beast is tired. I thought she’d hate tiedown, but as soon as we get near it, she just flops over. Man tiedown seems short. If that’s two feet, I’d be shocked. It seems so short!

Some things I haven’t had a chance to mention. They got me a shorter handle because with the regular handle, my arm was way, way back. I love how many things they have so they can accommodate all kinds of needs. Other people, like the 6-foot giant that is Meredeth needed a longer handle. She’s so quiet. She hums to herself all the time.

My little rascal doesn’t seem to want to wait until I say the magic words “do your business” before she’s circling, which can be a super pain because sometimes I don’t have the leash made into long leash yet. I’ll have it out of the short hook, but I won’t have it hooked into the other one.

Today, we do doggy massage, I need to do laundry, and of course I need to groom my puppers. I don’t know what else I’ll be up to. I have to send a couple emails.

I’m so happy David’s gone. He kept sneaking around. last night, Autumn and I watched the movie Erin Brockovich and he walked in and paced around a while. That was awkward.

I have to try the cong with my puppy and see if she likes it better than the ring. She just doesn’t seem to be into the tug thing.

Carmen’s diligently working on this song. I should be down there. But I’m tired and I’m waiting for a call.

Lunch is a taco and supper is…what? Um…beef strogonoff.

I’m excited because tonight the retrains come in. Apparently someone else from good old Canada will be here. I probably won’t know him, but cool. More people to meet.

Ooo! 45 minutes until massage time. I think I’m gonna grab some more z’s.

Well, doggy massage was fun. It’s all about the circular motions. At the end, she just started licking me like mad and wagging her tail. Then she turned and started licking Amy to death. Amy? Amy didn’t give her a massage! What? It was funny. Then she almost plopped her butt on my lap. That would have hurt. Then we went out to relieve and I found out my poor beast has Giardia. Now, I don’t know about dogs, but I know when humans get giardia, they’re pretty sick. So now she has to take medicine for 3 nights to cure her.

Then we decided to do laundry, and we left our beasts in our room. We shut the door,, but we didn’t tie them down. We gave them bones and took off for the laundry. When we came back, they were as good as gold…until we came into the room. Then Trixie got up, ran around and grabbed Beauty’s bone! When I came at her, she dropped it, and Then we couldn’t figure out whose bone was who’s. Autumn found one, and then I discovered that Trixie will point her little nose at what you dropped. Cool! She doesn’t nibble it, she just points. How awesome.

I know she loves me, because whenever I leave her and come back, she jumps up and wags her tail. what a doll.

Got the laundry done, and got the puppy groomed. I even brushed her teeth and everything. Yeah yeah yeah! And I met Carmen’s friends. They’re cool. I need to hang out with Carmen for a bit. She wants me to write down the words to her dog song, she says she has them all written down. what will rhyme with Sedgwick?

I need to go bug the staff for Trixie’s Giardia medicine. She’s so smart. she gets off the rug when she knows it’s feeding time. Smart puppy. We get to meet the retrains soon!

Well we met them. I can’t even hope to get all of their names right. There’s Henry whose dog got sick with some kind of cancer, there’s Craig from Toronto whose dog blew its knee out playing on some snow and ice and had to be retired, ouch! There’s Angela who can’t hear very well, there’s Kristy, there’s Lee who’s Frank’s neighbour, there’s Phil and Deborah, and I’m forgetting a couple. I’ll get them. They all seem cool. Henry and Craig sit at our table.

If I could sleep right now, I would. But we have to relieve. After that, I think I’m going to hit the snoozer.

Look at Trixie-poo chomping on her bone. Chomp chomp gobble gobble chew.

Amy is really upset. She thinks Dynamo has a bladder infection because he really really has to go and his guide work gets sloppy close to relieving times and she can’t seem to get that message across. I told her to not mince her words and ask if she and Dynamo can go down to the vets and get it fixed up. Don’t ask, don’t say maybe. Just say I would like to see the vets. If I’d done that in Ottawa, maybe I wouldn’t have gone through that saga.

Now my F key cap has fallen off my Elba. The big question is…where is it? Where did it fall off and will a dog find it…and eat it? I’ll never be able to live with myself if one of them does. I hope I find it so I can put it away.

Oh god. We finished the song, and Al’s going to play the guitar. Al, who never says anything, was whooping up a storm. It was awesome. I sang beside him so he could hear the words and he loved them. He said it was the best fun he’d had the whole time. He’s such a sweet guy, and his hearing loss really keeps him out of the loop. We turned into such idiots, barking and howling in one part of the song.

And finally here’s a mesage to those ditwads who set off fireworks directly across the street when we went to relieve…if you ever do it again…There will be at least 10 angry blind people after you. The fireworks made our dogs spazz out to varying degrees. Trusty ran inside and snorted, which sent Trixie into being spooked. We were mad. I know they didn’t know, but jesus lord. Fireworks? On a random Sunday? Ok then.

That’s it. It was a quiet day.

Carin’s Guide Dog Diary: Day 7

It’s Saturday. Yesterday ended off on a strange note. Amy, Jill, Autumn and I went to the instructors all for different reasons to complain about David. I think we upset them because we didn’t seem to be following the communication protocol because we were all in there together, seemingly conspiring against him. But it really wasn’t that. It was more that we’d all seen things, we had talked to David about them, and he just didn’t care. So Autumn and I didn’t want to be the only ones going in there. Plus we really don’t like the way he plays with Maylee. Apparently he’ll grab her paw and twist it around behind her head until she whimpers. And he made Maylee jump on Amy’s bed. Dynamo is black too, so it looks like Amy put her on the bed and Elizabeth, the one who cleans, hates that. So we all had a meeting. Audrey was mad that we were all in there, but we had to do it this way. At least I felt like we had to. So they took notes and they’re having a meeting about David today.

Did I mention how Trixie only seems to want to play with Beauty’s things because they’re beauty’s? Silly girl.

So anyway they said we’re all supposed to stay away from David. So this morning, we all sat on the couch together so he couldn’t sit with us.

When we left the meeting we found Carmen at the piano. She was making a song for all our dogs! What a doll! She’s such a show business kind of girl. She said she’d try and hook me up with these people in Toronto who do shoots and give them tech advice on how to be blind. Sweet! She’s cool. Anyway, she’s working on this song with all our dogs’ names in it. So that was the end of last night.

This morning we were taught the basic route so we can do it independently. We had obedience stuff with doggy and toy distractions, arg! We met another instructor. She’s a float and her name is Carrie, not sure of the spelling. She’s very quiet, more like an O and M in a way, very serious. That’s cool.

At obedience, Mike was late. Can we guess why? He seemed very grave at relieving. Then David didn’t go with us downtown but we just thought it was because he was sick. We did our route,and she missed more curbs! Which makes me ancy, but it will pass…hopefully. Not Babs stuff again. Then we got back on the bus, and Mike got on and told us that for a million reasons, David was kicked out. So, yeah! He’s gone!

Alrighty, off to lunch, Trixie’s been chomping on her bone a whole bunch.

Lunch was good, a beef stew and a chocolate eclaire. Mmm. Frank tried it for the first time, and he was very much a fan. It’s good to see him in better spirits.

After lunch I groomed my baby. She loves it. I love when we’re in the downtown lounge and she snuggles up and sleeps by Val. It’s so cute. they sleep head to head, while Carmen calls me Twinks and works on the computer. She’s met the guy who plays Victor on The Young and the Wrestless and she says he’s an asshole. She has all these pictures of people who she’s met. Pretty cool lady. I guess her husband died. She’s about the same age as my dad.

Did I mention the grooming supplies we got last night? Two kinds of toothbrush, doggy toothpaste, a zoom groom, a slicker and a comb. I think that’s about it. Pretty cool grooming kit. They think of everything.

This afternoon we do Juneau so we can rework errors and such. Then I think we just discuss some basic rules for visitors etc for tomorrow, all that jazz. Can you believe it? I’ve been here a week? Wow. That’s amazing.

So this afternoon we learned about reworking errors. It’s not that confusing, just degrees. If they just miss it, you gently bring them back and say careful, but if they blow by, the no gets stronger. It’s really weird to praise her after you’ve brought her back to where you want her, but it makes sense.

Tomorrow I learn how to massage a puppy. Yea puppy massages. Tonight we learn how to clean woofer teeth. Ooo! Woofer teeth.

My dog does not like tug rings. Boohoo. Cong for you.

Oh, Frank knows sign language. Add that to the list of languages he knows.

I’m nervous about next week. They’re cutting back on the help. This is good, but scary. Am I ready to lose some of it?

Trixie’s just done something really weird. She jumped at my dresser! That was weird! She also likes to gnaw on her toenails. She looks like she’s chewing her nails in worry. It’s hillarious, but I might ask about it in case it’s anything to worry about.

I found out her poop wasn’t just watery, it was bloody! Aaa! But they say that’s normal. Ok. They say she may have caught a bug from another dog or from the kennel. But they say they’re looking better.

Did I mention we’re working the dogs out to the relieving circle and then taking the harnesses off? I don’t feel like such a lost sheep because A. I know where I’m going, and B. I can walk forward quickly and just wait for the instructors to tell me to stop. They’re wonderful. I don’t know how they handle us all so well. I feel like I’m just one of their dogs in a way, they just gently tell us when we’re wrong, and you can tell if you repeat the same mistake, because they amp up what they say. It’s hillarious. I’ll finish this one later. We have pizza for dinner. Then it’s teeth cleaning.

I’ve got other people calling that stealthy crawl across the floor that dogs do that sort of looks like they’re sprawling, but they’re actually sneaking towards something oozing. Babs used to do it and dad called it oozing, and now I have other people calling it that. Trixie is a bit of an oozer. Not as bigtime an oozer as Babs though, partly because I don’t let her, and partly because she just isn’t.

I feel like my brain is saturated. And this is just the first week. I wonder if I can absorb the basic route. I know it’s basic, but there’s so much to think of. I’m definitely going to have to have a look at it. I know I have it straight when I’m coming back. I feel saturated and unable to speak to people who aren’t here. It’s not because of snobbery or anything, I just feel I can’t get the message across because I’ve lost the ability to speak clearly because my mind is so full of stuff. So if you talk to me on the phone and I don’t seem to have a lot to say, it’s because I’m A. tired, B. having trouble stringing words together or C. both.

Aaa! David is in the computer room. He’s mad! They’re making him pay his way home! He’s mad, mad because he feels that Mike should have proof of what he’s done. So 5 people complaining about him isn’t enough? That’s half of his fellow classmates! Actually 6 of his classmates had a problem with him. But he’s mad and somehow he missed hearing that I was involved. Very bizarre. He blames Autumn for this. Uh-huh. It’s all Autumn’s fault. Forgive me for not having the spine to stand up and say actually I was involved and this is why.

One of the food servers called me a bad boy today. That was funny. A bad boy. I said I wanted to be bad and have dessert and she said, “You bad boy!” So I’m now a boy.

It’s almost time for teeth cleaning. Poor Autumn had her first breakdown. Poor girl. Trixie and I tried to console her a bit.

Tried to brush her teeth. Ug! It took everything just to get the brush in there, let alone the toothpaste. At least you just shove it in one side and then the other and that’s it. And here I thought I had to get each tooth and do it like ours. Thank god it’s not that way.

I think that’s it. I’ll try again at the computer. Let’s hope David’s not there.

Carin’s Guide Dog Diary: Day 6

Man I was tired this morning. Autumn and I had a role reversal. I was groggy and she was awake when my alarm went off at 5:45 a.m. I stayed up until 11 which probably wasn’t smart, but I had a lot of email to respond to after I sent the mass email that said “I have my dog” to all the people who don’t get all the details of my trials and tribulations.

Man, having a dog makes you do things in a whole new rhythm. When you feed the puppy, you have to pick up the rug, so if you can, pick up the rug *before* you put the dog on tiedown. Otherwise, you have to wrestle the rug out from under your puppy. If you sit down somewhere amid the puppies, you have to find a spot for both you and your dog. I know this sounds elementary, but it’s not automatic. Everything from using a bathroom stall to getting on a bus becomes a bit of an art, and when you get tired, your artwork gets sloppy.

So today, we do obedience with food distractions. Oh good lord. Then a lecture on PR, a route, lunch which is salmon and couscous because it sounds better than the salad, then a lecture on playing with our woofers, and then we get our first woofer toys! Heehee! Then it’s another route, then it’s feed, water, relieve, or something to that effect, then we eat dinner which is…what is dinner? I can’t remember! Oh yeah it’s like Christmas dinner! Yea! Then we learn how to groom. The grooming begins. And Autumn thought I was high when I said the list of chores would get longer. Har har I think I should know. I should go for breakfast. It’s getting close to the wire.

So I wrote this whole thing after breakfast, but it went caboom. Curse you. But the main thing is now Beauty is misbehaving, and all I can say is, hahahahahahahah! Well outwardly I’m sympathetic, but inwardly I giggle.

This morning Trixie’s poop was soft, so they’re keeping an eye on it. We had obedience, and she was very distracted. So food is going to be an issue, but what can you expect, she’s a lab!

Yesterday I forgot to mention we got bait bags. They’re little kibble bags. We must call them reward bags according to frank. Mine keeps falling off the damn strap. It won’t fall off on route, but in relieving circle, in my room, anywhere where the instructor can’t see it happen it’s more than happy to do it. It got doggy drool on it because of that.

So anyway, obedience over, relieving time, and all she’d do was pee. She’d pooped earlier, but nothing this time. So off we went to the bus.

She was much better at staying sitting. Oh no, we have a new song. The law on the bus says sit sit sit. We’re goofy.

I keep forgetting to mention that we haven’t seen Tamara for a little bit. She had some kind of family emergency with her dad and the ER. We don’t know what that means.

We went out on our morning walk and it went pretty well, but the little bum missed a curb! Just charged out into traffic! We were lucky nothing was going right in front of us. So it was back to the curb, make her sit, tap my left foot and say careful! What else happened in the morning route? Not much, she just needs a lot of encouragement.

Carmen’s cool. She keeps telling me to wear sun-screen and she’s right, I should. Add that into the schedule.

So we had lunch, which was the salmon thing. It was good. The president, Bob Philips, sat at our table. He seems cool. Oh, before lunch we relieved, and no second poop!

After lunch Laurie came over to see if we needed anything at the store. We asked to rent Rain Man, but she said we couldn’t rent it because you have to have an account at the video store and they don’t. She also told us that Matt, AKA GDB’s own continued assessment Rain man, decided that he didn’t want a guide dog after all because it took too much focus. Yea continued assessments. I think they’re awesome. Laurie said it was really stressful arranging his travel stuff.

We learned about playing with our puppy-poos. They got their bones! They all chewed on them and it was the biggest mass of sound. Chew chew chew chew. They all love their bones. We learned the thing about supervising their play, and that they need some every day. Of course the poor things do. That’s fun. We relieved again and nothing but pee from my pooch. We got on the bus and went back to the lounge. There I read an email from Steve saying it’s supposed to snow! What? It’s like 25 degrees here! Like 80 F. That’s insanity.

So I went out on my route, and it was pretty good, except she was a real sniffer, and once, when she was distracted by a small dog, she made me fall on her. Jen said “look out, the sidewalk is really narrow.” Just as she finished the word narrow, down I went on her tail and Trixie went, “YIPE!” They WERE ALL WORRIED ABOUT ME, BUT i said I was more worried about her because I fell, all of me, on her tail. But they said she’d be fine. It was the finest correction ever because now she realizes how much she matters. I also know she’ll make some noise if she gets hurt.

So after the route,we relieved, and hoo boy! Trixie opened the flood gates. Icky watery poop. So now she has to eat this WD food. WD? It sounds like that would loosen her up. So it’s WD for her for a little while.

I sat down at dinner with the usual suspects, and Frank was not in good spirits. Apparently David prank called him really late last night and freaked him out. I guess Autumn told him who phoned him, and he’s some mad. I guess he told the staff about it. David, you’re working your way out sans Maylee!

Then we learned how to groom, and my puppy likes it. She tries to lunge at the brush a bit, but not a whole bunch. She let me rub her belly-welly!

She tried to escape me as I wrote this! The little ball of fire was sitting here, waiting for her WD, and David went down the hall and she ran after him, ripping herself away from me! I ran after her so fast and grabbed her and then asked if I had her. I really didn’t wanna take Maylee instead, nothing against Maylee.

Did I mention how mad Frank was at dinner and how he was all hostile with David? I think there’s trouble brewing for David. Jill, Amy, Autumn and I all have reasons for approaching the staff and telling them about what’s up. I think they’re mad at him too because of his complete lack of interest in this.

All the dogs like Mike. It’s hillarious. They’ll do anything for him. I think he’ll be the biggest distraction.

I found that fan that Barby was talking about. It sorta does sound like there’s someone lost with a cane.

Anton’s a goof. when he peed, it looked like he peed his name. Hahahah a true male.

I think that’s about it. Should be an eventful day tomorrow.

Carin’s Guide Dog Diary: Day 5

Well, first night with the dog. It was definitely interesting. She definitely has Babs-like tendencies, like, oh say, trying to wake me up at 3 in the morning. If I showed any part of my body, she’d be up sniffing. Crazy beast. But I still managed to sleep, so that was good. We got up, and I fed her and gave her water and then she relieved like a trooper. Did them both in no time flat. She’s a very vocal dog. She snorts if you pet her a certain way and she makes little groans to express how she’s feeling. I think when she wags her tail, it’s another swisher. That’s ok. I was hoping for a thumper, but oh well, I love her, she’s cute.

Did I mention how sappy David got over Maylee? At first he didn’t want a black lab, but he loves her and he’s just taken with her completely.

Man I felt like an old Lady, going to bed before 10:00. But I was tired and had to be up at 5:45, so it had to be done.

Today we get French toast and strawberries and sausages for breakfast. Mmm. And for lunch we get boritos or a tai chicken salad, and dinner…I can’t remember. Oh. It’s macaroni or some other weird salad that I wasn’t a fan of. And dessert is tripple fudge brownies. Mm. Well, I think it’s almost time for breakfast. Damn I’m hungry.

Apparently I was hungry. I had seconds! Seconds?

Trixie’s behaving herself a bit better today. I’m very happy I have no leash burn. Yea lack of leash burn.

Today’s schedule: obedience, relieving, a real guide workout, watering, lunch, a lecture, relieving, I forget what’s next, but it’ll be busy. Oh bus 1 learns to groom tonight.

Ok gotta run. Long day. Fall down. Fall down and feel feet ache. I can’t really do stream of consciousness like the other days because I didn’t bring this thing with me. So. We had obedience, and to my surprise she was a complete angel. Not a single correction necessary.

So we went to relieve. God I hate the relieving circle. I love it and hate it. They have you walk out to this curb and then step out and walk to the middle of this driveway thing. We all have to find our own space and then you make the leash long, there are two rings on the leash. So anyway you make them a long leash and you walk back and forth and say “do your business.” But every time I go out there, I get disoriented and they have to lead me to a spot. It seems like no one else needs that. Anyway, they saw that Jill’s dog was limping, so they took him to the vet. That’s what I like to see! He apparently had this weird growing pain thing that lots of young dogs get. So we left, minus her, for the bus. Then the bus drove to this other location, not the downtown lounge so we could do a straight shot. We had to wait forever, but when Trixie and I went out, she went perfectly. She walks at a good pace for me. It felt absolutely awesome. Oh, we learned how to put on the harness today. I like the fact that the handle detaches, and it’s not made of metal, so no more gouges of the leg by the harness. So anyway, we came back, watered the puppy, it sounds like watering a plant. But we gave her water, and took her for a poop and went for lunch. Man I was hungry, felt like a whale. I met the peer counsellor. That was cool. she’s on her fourth guide dog. Wow. She’s cool.

After lunch we had a lecture about street crossings. It was nice to hear some of the same things again. After lecture, we went downtown to the lounge and did some street crossings. This morning when we did our route, the instructor also attached a leash, but this afternoon, she only attached a leash for a little while. This morning Trixie was so happy that she was wacking her tail into the harness. Maybe she is a thumper! This afternoon, though, she was lacking in confidence and was wigging out a bit. Oh well, it’s normal.

Man, two people are mildly bugging me. Frank said something really mean. I’m like sometimes I catch myself saying the stupidest things, and Frank said, “just now? Well, good that you’re catching yourself.” And Autumn keeps taunting my dog, and it’s just not cool. At one point, she kept saying, “Can you please get your dog together?” I snapped at her and said, “Can you please stop doing that? It’s really not necessary.”

After lunch, Autumn lost her leash and we couldn’t find it anywhere. It was weird. She came in, put Beauty on tiedown and then started making her bed cause we had to strip our beds and they brought the sheets back. Then she couldn’t find her leash! Turns out it was hanging from the patio door.

We had dinner, watered her, and then some of us learned how to groom, but not me yet. Bus 1 got the lecture, I’m on bus 2. Oh, I had a royal struggle with her on the bus. She doesn’t like to sit between my legs and she squiggles over so my legs end up sprawled.

I think that’s about it for today. Ug I’m tired. Must send off two days worth of logs. Oh my beast is snoring.

Carin’s Guide Dog Diary: Day 4

Well, it’s 6:30 in the morning and I’m awake and thinking. Thinking about a lot of things. Today’s the day everything’s going to change. There’ll be no more getting up at 6, it’ll be earlier because the dogs have to be fed, watered and relieved by 6:30 which means I have to look half presentable when I go out to the relieving circle. This leash beside me will no longer be empty. A wild, somewhat devilish beast will be at the end of it. I’ve wanted this so bad, but I dread the beginning. I dread the leash burn. I dread the feeling of being exhausted from getting this dog to respect me. I’m afraid I’ll make the same mistakes all over again. I hope this new start will be more successful. Don’t get me wrong, I’m
excited, but my belly is a little flippy.

Damn it I think I’m getting a cold. My throat is slightly sore. Noooo! Well, if I do, I know where the nurse’s office is for some cold medication. Suck it, cold, you’re not going to keep me down.

Let’s check the class schedule. Did I tell you there’s a button on the phone you can press for the class schedule for the day? That is the coolest thing, cause I didn’t bring the big one they sent in the package. I was going to get Steve to email it down, but I don’t need to! I say again, um, wow. So, this morning is some more juneauing. In case I didn’t explain what Juneau is, it’s either an instructor at the end of a harness, or the instructor holding a roled up rug and you hook your leash onto it. Either way, it’s to simulate what a real dog will feel like, and you get to practice corrections on Juneau to your heart’s content and not feel guilty about hurting your puppy’s neck. Praising a rug is really odd. But now that we’re used to it, we’ll probably see a lot less of Juneau. So Juneau obedience and how to keep a well-behaved guide dog. Then it’s lunch which is shrimp creole or some kind of delly salad. No thanks! And dinner is this flank steak with noodles and peas or some kind of soup. They didn’t mention dessert. Hoo hoo hoo. I didn’t get my chocolate mousse damn it, I’ll have to make sure I get it next Tuesday. Then in the afternoon, we get told a few things and then…we get our puppy puppy puppy puppy! Eeee! Today is the day I get my new start, scary as it is. The first dinner is going to be real fun. Imagine 4 dogs at the table together. Shenanigans ahoy. And so it begins.

I was having a peek at the lectures last night, now that I figured out their weird little Victor Vybe players they lent us, at least they look like Victor Vybes. I think they’ve been through the war. The braille is all raggedy jaggedy and hard to read. But I got it going, so I guess that’s all that matters. They had these computer voices read the lectures. They sort of sound like the RealSpeak Solo voices for JAWS 8. I love how the first voice says dog. It sounds more like daawg. Y’all come back now, ya hear?

I saw David last night in the computer room. I’m so confused. He was being nice to me, which I don’t get. I’m just as much involved in this chat we had with the staff as Autumn is. He claims he skipped dinner because he didn’t like the dinner, and some stuff came up which he says he wants to tell me about tomorrow. Ok chief? I think I know what the stuff is. He still weirds me out. He’s like jeckle and hide.

There’s one thing I hate hate hate here, and it’s the showers! You turn on the hot water, and you get hit! Pinned! Against the wall by a jet of cold water. Coldcoldcold! Then once it’s warm, you barely get any cold water added to it and it’s coldcoldcold again! And they have liquid soap in the bathroom. A bar soap at our little sink, but liquid in the bathroom. No biggy, just weird. It’s almost breakfast time. I should comb my rat’s nest. I hope Autumn feels better, she wasn’t feeling well this morning, but she doesn’t want to see the nurse.

Carmen’s nickname might get changed to human pretzle because of all her yoga experience, but her back hurts today.

Interesting. In Ottawa, it was relieve, feed, relieve, but here, in the morning it’s feed, relieve, and in the afternoon it’s relieve, feed. Makes more logical sense. Now we’re in the music room, Juneau time.

I’m trying to help Carmen with her Victor Vybe. It’s hard to explain to someone who doesn’t read braille how to find the play button. I hope I can explain it.

We learned about the high collar correction. In extreme cases, you lift the collar up under the dog’s chin and then you go sideways with the leash as if you’re holding a baseball bat. Ah the baseball bat. It looks evil. They showed us on this stuffed dog that got corrected once so hard that it took off one of his ears! Wow! That’s one hell of a correction! Yikes. Then I did obedience and did really well. Yea! off to the lounge again.

I have a new nickname, twinkle tows or twinks.

Ug they’re teaching us about moving turns. Those are tricky. You have to slow down, make the turn, and if it’s a right then you have to make a step back, and if it’s a left, you make a step forward, and in either case, you say the word a couple times and signal accordingly. Eekers. This could be tricky.

It makes me laugh when Mike says something about earning dough ray me for money. So he’ll talk about earning your dough ray me. He’s a funny guy. I think I’ve explained who Mike is, right? He’s the class supervisor. The head honcho, even though Jen is the lead instructor.

Carmen knows someone who used to be on MacGyver. Wow, she used to be in show business too.

Poor Amy’s got her ankle iced again. At least my throat isn’t so sore. This is good.

That was a nasty Juneau walk. She veered into traffic to see what I’d do. You have to stop in the middle of the street and tell him to hop up. Stop in the middle of the street? God! Say goodbye to Juneau…well they’ll probably Juneau walk us through the obstacle course. Yep, every day when we go to the buses, we walk through an obstacle course. Ug I can’t remember where to turn. You have to do it all so fast!

The IT dude is fixing the computer in the downtown lounge! They’re fast! I love them….again! Everywhere else computers are the last thing on their minds. Much love to the IT dude.

Carmen keeps calling Mike Mikey.

That lunch was good. I ate it all, and a slice of pineapple upside down cake. Mm. Sweet. I got to talk to Barby. That was cool.

So now I’m sitting here waiting for lecture to begin. I left my cane in the room. I played taps for the cane. Har har. Frank, get here, you’re holding up the little lecture before I become the proud handler of a guide woofer.

Looks like we’re starting without Frank. They’re going to tell us all the names of our dogs, and then they’ll take us back to our rooms and then take us to meet our dogs! Then they take us back and we play with our dogs and then do heeling practice! My belly is woozy. They’ve already set out our doggy beds and dishes etc. Oh come on start giving us our dog names!

Finally, the names begin. Here they are. I get a female black lab and her name is Trixie! Crash gets a female yellow lab named Estelle. Carmen gets a female black lab named Val. Bernard gets a male yellow lab named Trusty. Jill gets a male yellow lab named Storm. Autumn gets a female yellow lab and her name is Beauty. Frank gets a male yellow lab named Anton. David gets a female black lab named Maylee. Amy gets a male black lab named dynamo. Al gets a female black lab named Bahia. Meredeth gets a male yellow lab named Sedgewick. These are the coolest dogs ever. I’m shaking. I can’t breathe. I hear footsteps.

I got my dog! She’s 55.5 pounds and 22 inches tall. What a cutey. Her Birthday is April 9. She’s got a lot of spunk. I had to show her how to heel. Not too much I certainly don’t have leash burn, but she was a wild beast.

We relieved, and at first, they pick it up for us. Wow I feel rusty. forgetting how to leash relieve. She went like a trooper. Both times. I don’t have to worry. This is so much better than the Ottawa way. They’re out there with you and they tell you if she went and what she did.

Gotta go to the dining hall now.

Well, Trixie’s full of tricks, but she’s not nearly Babs level. She likes to whine, so we’re working on that. I’m tired, but I have 0 leash burn. This is a step up. She likes Dynamo. That’s for sure. She through herself at him, so Amy says she’s a seductress.

We got her water and she drank like mad. And then she relieved again. Peed and the other. Wow, this dog’s got a lot of pee.

I managed to send off the emails. A few rejected recipients, but most of them I can let know another way. Did I mention how much she likes to
whine?

Poor Autumn’s getting sick. I’m worried about her. In other news, I feel like the sore throat is worse. Oh well, it’s nothing major.

Alright, crash time, not as in fall down go boom, but more like fall down and sleep like a log. Oh one last thing. Frank hates it when I say holy crap. He says it’s unbecoming of a young lady. Crap? I could be saying far worse. But whatever floats his boat, I guess.

Alrighty, gotta set the alarm earlier, gotta start taking puppy out to relieve, and tomorrow I have to strip my damn bed too. Ug of all the days to need to do that. Alright, queue the z’s.

Spammers And Bankers And Rage, Oh My!

So, how’s everybody today? Hopefully good. I’m doing ok. A little sluggish, but that’s alright, I’ll get over it eventually. Maybe writing might help get me going, so I figure that’s what I’ll do until I run out of things to talk about or get sidetracked by something else.

Everybody keeps asking me if I miss Carin yet and if it’s weird around the house without her here. The answers to those questions are yes and it’s getting there. I don’t mind being by myself, I used to live alone and for the most ppart it was a pretty good experience. I’m the type of person that enjoys my own company and doesn’t have much trouble staying amused, so not having other people around isn’t something that bothers me much. Where it gets weird is knowing that I don’t live alone and that the person I share my space and my life with isn’t just out for the afternoon or a day or 2, but for a whole month. Every routine I have is slightly different. For instance, when I sit down to have dinner and watch the news there’s nobody to talk about the day with, not to mention that I have to get used to cooking for just one person again. There are countless little things like that that I’m having to adjust to, and the funny thing is that by the time I get myself into that groove it’ll be time for Carin to come home and I’ll have to adjust all over again.

Speaking of Carin, I’m glad everybody seems to be enjoying her updates. She’s gotten a few nice emails and I’ve even gotten 1 or 2 thanking me for putting them up, so it’s nice to see that people are getting something out of them. Yesterday was officially dog day for her, but I’ll let her break that news on her own whenever the next update gets here. From what she says and what I’ve always heard, now is the time when things start really getting crazy, so if the updates aren’t as timely as they’ve been up to now, don’t be at all surprised.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about all of this talk from Jack Layton and the NDP about how unfair ATM fees are. He’s pretty much come right out and said that the charges banks force consumers to pay to access their own money is one of the top issues facing the Canadian public, and that we’re all up in arms about it. My question is a simple one. Is this guy serious? This is a top issue? We’re up in arms? All of us? Who is he talking to? I’ve never in my life heard a person complain about these things. Well ok, to be fair, a lot of people complain and rightfully so about the privatley owned machines in a lot of places that can charge whatever they want and usually do to an outrageous extent. Those things are evil and can burn in hell as far as I’m concerned, but the solution to that problem is easy. If you don’t want to pay a $5 surcharge to take out 20 bucks, don’t. If you have absolutely no choice and you need money at that exact moment then I feel bad for you, but otherwise, the fact that you’re getting gouged is your own problem until the government steps in and tells the people who own these things to knock it off.

But those aren’t even the machines that Layton is concerned about. The one’s he’s targeting are the ones owned by the big banks. He feels that there’s no need to levy what is essentially a convenience fee or what I’ve heard called a tax on the poor when a person uses a machine owned by one bank to take money out of an account at another. Again, simple question time. Why not? A system that allows me to use my Royal Bank card to get money out of a CIBC machine at 3 in the morning on a Sunday is definitely what I consider convenient, and I accept the fact that I need to pay for that. Nothing that easy is ever free, and this is no different. Keeping a network as large and sophisticated as that one running as well as it does can’t possibly be a cheap thing to pull off, and somebody somewhere has to foot the bill. Layton makes it seem as though people don’t have a choice about paying these fees, and that’s just not true. I’m sure that somebody somewhere doesn’t have a choice and again I feel bad for that person, but most of us have options. if the fees are more than you can handle, then don’t use other people’s machines. Wait for your bank to open, walk inside and stand in line like we had to do back in the good old days. I know that for some people a dollar or 2 can make a lot of difference, but that doesn’t change the fact that nothing pays for itself, and if we weren’t paying the buck at the machine, that same charge would be hidden somewhere else. Either way, we’re still paying for it, so we might as well pay at the pump so to speak.

But if you want to talk about taxes on the poor, then why not target the whole idea of service charges? Those things are a tax on the poor if I’ve ever seen one, especially that minimum balance bullshit they came up with. That’s ridiculous. by opening an account, you agree to always keep X number of dollars in it, and if you don’t, we’ll take more of your money away from you making it even harder for you to get back up to where we’d like you to be. How does that make any sense? The way I look at it, the more money you have, the bigger the favour the bank is doing you by looking after it and the more you should be paying them to do it. You’d think that a lot more time and energy would go into looking after thousands of dollars than would go into hanging onto a few hundred bucks that Jerry who works down at Subway managed to stash away somehow. It’s a bigger responsibility, much in the same way that watch my baby for the afternoon while I go out and do a few things is a bigger responsibility than hold my coke for a second while I find my glasses. You can charge by the hour for babysitting, but nobody ever gets tossed a 5 for hold this. Why should this be any different? Lay the charges on the people who can afford them, the ones with those high interest accounts with lots of money in them who need more attention. it just makes sense. You can say that money is money, but that’s not the way banks look at things. if you’re broke, they want nothing to do with you and for some reason they see fit to lay all of the charges on you. Why not look into regulating that attitude and forcing banks to charge the people who are using more resources the appropriate rates for them? it seems to me that would be a much better use of government’s time and energy than going after the machines.

I think spammers are starting to get a little bit desperate. I just got one that said “For God sake don’t pass this bye!” Hopefully that means business isn’t going so well.

I mentioned the other day that I saw something that got me very upset. I had a person ask me about it and I was thinking about posting it anyway, so here goes.

Some of you might have noticed little references here and there over the last few months to some family situations I’ve been going through. What happened was my dad and one of my grandmothers both had strokes about a month apart. My grandma is back at home and doing quite well now, but my dad wasn’t so lucky. He’s back home too, but he’s only got the use of one arm and one of his legs isn’t quite right either. he’s also not totally with it mentally because of some brain damage he suffered at the time.

Ok, now that you’re all caught up, here’s the story.

When I was visiting family a couple of weeks ago, my sister and I decided to pay him a visit to see how he was doing and chat with him for a little. While we were there, he went to the fridge and offered me a beer. It’s at this ppoint that I need to back up again and fill in an important detail. My dad has been an alcoholic for longer than I’ve been alive, and I’m just a few years away from being 30. So the fact that he had booze in his house was a bit of a concern considering that it was a major factor in why he’s in the shape he’s in now. I took him up on his offer figuring that he only had the couple that we saw in the fridge. I thought that if I drank one it would leave one less for him to play with, and hey, who am I to turn down free beer? In retrospect I really should have known better, because if experience has taught me anything over the years it’s that there’s no such thing as *a* beer where dad’s concerned. And sure enough, he asked my sister to go down and bring some more up from the basement. Yes, the basement. A steep flight of stairs. A steep flight of stairs that separates a partially paralyzed stroke victim with a drinking problem from the nectar of the gods. Gee, I don’t see what could possibly go wrong.

that by itself is bad enough, but you also have to take into consideration that dad is pretty much housebound at this point unless somebody takes him out. That means that somebody else is the cause of this. Some as yet unidentified asshole, probably one of his drinking buddies, thinks that they’re being helpful by getting cases of beer for the poor guy and hiding them downstairs so that people won’t find out. What kind of mental retardation does it take for that to seem in any way logical? You don’t have to answer that, it’s a rhetorical question. I know exactly what kind it takes because I spent my life growing up around it. But even though I’m used to it, it still hurts just a little bit each time I see it in action.

I hate to end things on such a down note, but I’m out of things to write about and I’m getting really really hungry. The joy and fun will return very soon though, so don’t you worry. Thanks for reading this all the way to the end if you made it that far. I’ll be back later.

Odd Combination Of Things Number 4

Before we get started, here’s a quick update/correction. The
story in Things Number 3
about the
drunk who said a unicorn was driving his car when he had his accident
turns out
not to be quite accurate.
There was no unicorn, just misunderstood slang that came out of communications from the prosecutor’s office. Apparently anybody who has a stupid excuse for what happened is said to be using the “unicorn defense.” This guy definitely qualifies, having told police in various statements that he had a broken left leg, panicked and had even fallen asleep before deciding to blame the incident on those damn woman drivers and pin the whole thing on his girlfriend. Not bad, but the unicorn thing makes for a much better story.

Ok, now let’s have some fun. Just remember that objects on the blog may be less online than they appear.

*Next time you commit a crime, forget trying to make any sort of spectacular escape from the scene. Seriously, take your time. Grab some booze, have a snack, catch a bus. hey, it worked for
this guy,
who the police still can’t find.

*
this
is an interesting look at 10 of the worst acts of hockey violence in history. I love the descriptive writing. CBC always does a great job on these retrospective type things.

*
This story about the Waitakere City Council in New Zealand taking itself to court for failing to get proper permits before moving 6 homes
almost didn’t make it here because it sounded too ridiculous to be true, but the large number of official looking press releases and court filings I found while looking it up combined with the fact that there are governmental elements at work here seem to back up it’s truthfulness.

*Elton John may be banned from performing on the island of Tobago in order to
protect residents from being turned gay.

*What in the world could be causing this explosive gas? Is it the Mexican food, or could it be
the golf ball-sized grenade I stuffed up my dumper
before they hauled me off to jail yesterday?

*
Valet Crashes Car Into Hospital, Hits Car’s Owner
And to top it all off, the owner of the car was an amputee in a wheelchair. The valet is now being charged with careless driving, which I’m not sure is fair considering that the car was built for use by a handicapped person and not laid out like a normal vehicle.

*It’s official, British governments are certifiably batshit nuts. the latest scheme, which comes from the Ealing town Council, will see small cameras installed in items such as cans of beans and building bricks to
help the government catch people who aren’t putting their garbage out when they’re supposed to.

*Good idea: Teaching your 9-year-old child about sex. Bad idea:
having it while she watches you in the hopes that she’ll figure it out.
The girl’s mother and her boyfriend were allowed to plead guilty and receive probation rather than jail time in order to spare the kid the pain of going through a long trial.

And to add one more strange element to the story, according to the Reuters article, the judge in the case was named Jeremiah Jeremiah Jr. that means that there has to have been a Jeremiah Jeremiah SR at some point, which is a frightening thought. Seriously, how many guys have you met in your life named Bob Bob? Probably none, because I’d like to think that most people wouldn’t do that to their child.

*
German man chainsaws house in two in divorce split
I honestly don’t understand why we don’t hear stories like this more often. It seems like something that should happen more than it does.

*
I think this guy might be just a little bit paranoid, how about you?

*It’s no wonder kids don’t want to participate in sports anymore, what with crazy parents like these who
karate kick small children for messing up during soccer games
and
throw their children’s wrestling opponents in the air because their kid is losing.
In the second case, the parent *was* one of the coaches.

*What the heck, le’ts go for the insane parent trifecta and throw in a story about 3 members of an Italian family, the father and grandfather among them, who
beat up a school principal
because they didn’t like the grades their kid was getting or the school’s new ban on cell phones.

I think that’s enough for today. As always, feel free to send things in, we like that sort of thing around here.

By the way, I’m glad that everybody has been enjoying Carin’s guide dog trip updates. there’s a new one right below this post for anyone who hasn’t seen it yet.

I’ll be back with something later on, so I’ll talk to you then.