Salty Ham!

Ok, the wait is finally over and it’s now time to let you know why I’d been bugging you all to help me out and write about music once a week. By the way, thanks to the guy who took me up on that and now finds himself a published internet columnist, aside from his own blog that is. The wait is over,
Salty Ham Is Here!

Yes that’s right,
Salty Ham,
your new number 1 source for all of your entertainment needs. With sections devoted to sports, wrestling, movies, games, life and music, which I happen to be editing,
Salty Ham.com
has something for everyone. Even if you’re not a sports fan, don’t play games, hate music, don’t watch wrestling, and aren’t into movies, you still have a life, at least in the physical sense anyway.

The site isn’t completely finished yet, but it seems to be finished enough for our man Roland who is running the whole shebang over there, and if it’s complete enough for him, that’s good enough for me.

By the way, every section needs writers to do various things so if you’re thinking you might have something to say on any of the topics covered on the site, or if you think you could help out somewhere, have a gander at the
jobs page
and consider applying.

Just because I’m in the whoring stuff out spirit, why not
click here and take a look at my first couple of columns.
They get posted every monday, but be sure to check the music section daily for news, reviews, and other columns as they become available. Heck, just make
a daily helping of Salty ham
part of your complete breakfast.

I’ll go away now and let Matt make his own announcement. Besides, I need breakfast and I have places to go today. I’ll be back with more later, so come back here for more once you’ve seen everything over at
that other place I’ve mentioned once or twice in this post.

I’m Sorry

In response to Steve’s earlier attempt to break up with me (creepy), I have used Karine’s suggestion of using the Apology Note Generator to try and win him back. (the link for this is in the comment board of “Love Gone Wrong”

Dear, Snuggems,

I’m prepared to take my own life for neglecting to be sensitive to your mood. I was on my knees worshipping your shrine,
and thought I’d ask Dave to help me with it tomorrow.

So I’m sitting in the dark, waiting to die, hoping you don’t emasculate me. Please cut it off now, or I’ll do it myself.
My grandma can accept me, why can’t you?

Love,
That guy

Love Gone Wrong

Since I’m all about helping you guys out whenever possible, I thought I would pass on a link to something that I’m sure at one time or another we all wish we had. Hell, maybe some of you could use it at this very moment. So if you’re looking to get rid of that pesky significant other in your life, why not click on over to
The Breakup Letter Generator
and have it take care of them for you. All you have to do is answer a few questions about yourself and the bastard you’re kickin to the curb and the program will provide you with the perfect kissoff note.

As an example, let’s just say that Matt and I were together and I was wanting to break up with him. The letter might go something like this.

Dear Matt,

Writing this letter is painful, but necessary. By now, you might have noticed that I have left, and I’m not coming back. Don’t feel responsible. We just
weren’t right for one another. Besides, my history of bed wetting prevents me from committing to a serious relationship and you deserve better.

You deserve someone who appreciates all of your special qualities, especially the obnoxious way you scarf down two pints of Ben and Jerry’s while watching
Friends. Even though we’re no longer together, we’ll always have our memories. I’ll never forget the time you made me lie about my religion to your parents.

They say that time heals all wounds, and I hope that soon, you will be able to speak coherently to a person of the opposite gender. When this time comes,
I hope we will be living in different state institutions.

Gotta run,
Steve

Well Isn’t That Special

A friend of mine just sent me this email that he got from Microsoft Canada regarding a problem he’d been having with them. It’s very funny but requires a little backstory to make sense.

He recently got a new computer, yea for him! However, before he got the new computer, he also just finished paying for a new copy of Office XP. Now because of product activation schemes that Microsoft uses to protect their software from being stolen, he couldn’t put his *legally aquired* copy of the software on the new computer because it was already on the old one. And since Office ain’t exactly cheap, even when it’s the student version bought on a bit of a discount, he quite rightly phoned them and asked for another key so that he could use his software. They wouldn’t give him one, no matter what he said and told him that he would either have to upgrade his Windows or buy Office again. Well, he wasn’t having any of that and flat out told the guy on the phone that if he wasn’t going to get another key from them, that he was going to pirate one but that he was doing his best to keep things legal and on the up and up. That comment, and some emails exchanged between the 2, seem to have prompted a thank you letter of sorts.

Dear chad,
Thank you for contacting Microsoft Canada,

I am so sorry that you could not use your copy of office xp on another machine. I wish we had a different type of license I could offer. Thank you for trying your best to remain legal with your use of the software.
Microsoft constantly strives to bring you the best products, innovative designs, friendly sales and excellent customer service. We appreciate your business and look forward to serving you in the future. If you have any additional questions, please don’t hesitate to contact us at 1-877-568-2495 or visit our website at
www.microsoft.com/canada.

Thank you,
Moses
Microsoft Canada Co.
Microsoft Resource Centre
We want our customers to be very satisfied with our service.

They want their customers to be completely satisfied with the service? Well they’re on the right track if their goal is to make people buy extra shit they don’t need at inflated prices and then not let them use it the way they need to without buying even more crap they don’t need. And it really seems from that letter that the guy just kind of gave up doesn’t it? “Thanks for trying, but ahh hell, just take it if you need to, ya tried to do this all legal and stuff, but just forget it.”

But man, it just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside that they put that little personal touch in there and decided to thank him for not pilfering stuff. Folks, Microsoft cares, don’t ever forget that.

WCW

“There was an article on ProWrestling.Com and on many other pro wrestling insider sites that reported that Ticket Master had an event for people to order
tickets from. This wasn’t just an ordinary event as it was lated as: “WCW New Year’s Evil.” Now, to what I’m aware of, the WWE isn’t planning a return
of the WCW ‘brand’. Plans do change, of course, as it is the WWE that we’re talking about here.
What do you guys think of this?”

Well Nick, I did hear about that but right now I’m not reading all that much into it because like you said, plans change. I think it might have been a listing that we weren’t supposed to see that somehow found it’s way onto the site, and that it could have been an indication of where future storylines were going. I’m not so sure about that anymore, since to properly build up a show like that would require a few months, and if they were aiming for the 31st of December, they don’t have that kind of time anymore. Is the listing even still there? Perhaps they took it down since I haven’t heard anything about it since it was first discovered.

It’s also entirely possible that some small promotion decided to try to use the WCW name to draw publicity. I know it sounds stupid but it’s not outside of what could be considered impossible. People have done some seriously dumb things in the name of getting themselves some recognition.

As for your comment about it not being the end of the world if Matt doesn’t get me anything for Christmas, I hope you’re joking. I would like to inform you that it would in fact cause the end of all civilization as we know it here on our little section of space if I were not to be given something from him. For the sake of yourself and those you care about, you’d better hope against all hope that he gets me something and more than that, that I actually like it.

Idiotic Inventions

Have you ever come across something with a concept so stupid you just stop and wonder, “what were they thinking when they came up with that?” Well I have something like that in my very own house. I actually own a cooking pot made entirely out of metal. Now that doesn’t sound very odd at first glance but let me describe it in a little more detail for you. It is your regular cooking pot in just about every way. It isn’t of either an above or below average size, it isn’t shaped funny or anything like that and it isn’t made out of some revolutionary new material, just metal. It has 2 handles on it, 1 on the left and 1 on the right. Both of these handles are made of the same metal material as the rest of the pot. Are you starting to see where I’m going with this? It also has a metal lid which has it’s own handle on the top, also made of the exact same thing.

Now of course you are going to have to heat this pot up at some point if you ever want to use it to cook something, since heat is a fairly important part of the food cooking process. And if you know anything about metal, you know that it tends to heat up fairly quickly and become extremely hot to the touch in short order. Most metal pot craftsmen have the foresight to take this into acount when they design their creations and build their handles and lids to include plastic of some sort that will ensure that you have a cool place to grab onto when you need to move the pot or take the lid off to examine what’s happening within. However such foresight is not allocated in equal portions as evidenced by the lack of any such plastic on this particular beast. This thing is an accident waiting to happen and it isn’t so much a pot as it is a make work program for the local burn unit.

I’m not sure who bought me this thing, hell, it could have been me for all I know. All I know is that not only was somebody stupid enough to design and build something like this, but I’m also dumb enough to use it repeatedly. I’m actually using it now which reminds me, I’d better go check on my food. If you don’t hear from me for awhile, it’s probably because I’m trying to dial 911 with my char broiled nub.

Death By Pizza Hut

Remember that
concert
I was talking about yesterday? Well, thanks to the fine folks over at
Pizza Hut
I never actually made it. The night was going so well too in spite of me being super tired. Our plan, which up to concert time was executed to perfection was to meet up at my house, swing by the beer store for some refreshments, go for dinner somewhere, head back to my house again to kill time and then head out to the club to see the show. Well, somewhere between dinner and concert things went horribly wrong and the concert was just not to be. And to think, I was about 2 minutes away from ralphing in the back of a cab. Fortunately, smart thinking prevailed and me and my buddy decided to stay home and wait for the oven baked crust to do it’s thing to both of us and take the night from there. Things got better since the poisoning was a pretty short term deal and we were smart enough to get beer ahead of time so the night ended up being pretty long and quite a bit of fun, even if it wasn’t what we had in mind. We also got 2 free pizzas next time we decide to go back to Pizza hut so much love to those guys for putting things right. I love that place and it would suck to not be able to go there anymore because of something like that. Never had a problem there before so I still trust them.

So right now I’m coasting on about 3 hours of sleep and I figured before I lie down and give this old timers hockey game the full attention it deserves I’d check in with all of you just to say hi. So, hi. If you’re wondering about the game, Edmonton is winning, I think it’s 1-0 unless I missed something. This game is really cool to watch, lots of guys that I remember watching with my Grandpa when I was a really little kid. Oh the memories.

I would also like to encourage all of you to check out
Flashlight Brown,
a really good Canadian punk outfit from Toronto. I picked up their latest album “my Degeneration” today when I was out at the mall. Wasn’t expecting to find it there, and especially not for 13 bucks so that was a nice surprise. These guys are currently touring across Canada with
The Planet Smashers,
so if you’re into them I bet you’d find a place in your heart for Flashlight as well. I’m still kicking myself for not going to see them play right here in my very own city last Monday night. I my friends am a big loser and I deserve to miss out. A friend of mine went to see them the night after they were here and he said the show was amazing, which made me feel so much better about not going. Thanks man.

While we’re doing the music thing I should mention that
Brad Sucks
has a new song posted on his website. It’s a pretty rough mix of a slow tune he just finished up and it’s very different from a lot of the stuff he’s done. I think if he ever gets around to polishing it up it could be a really cool tune.

Sorry about the utter crappiness of this post, but tiredness is really starting to get to me. Check out the stuff I mentioned above and read what Matt had to say earlier and I think you’ll be happier than you are now after reading this all the way through.

By the way Matt, WCW videos are a pretty rare find these days so it seems. I can’t find anything that would fit into that category to get you as a Christmas gift. They have early 90’s stuff and lots of NWA from the 80’s, but no mid-90’s boom period stuff. If I were to get you anything else wrestling video or DVD related, what would it be? I know you had your heart set on that sheep but please try to get over that and focus on what’s going on now.

Alright, Alright. I Caved.

Fine. I’ve been everywhere around town and the Christmas stuff is in full force so I’ve excepted that the season is here and am ready to jump on the bandwagon.

This morning I added all my Christmas tunes back to my music playlist. (all punk christmas tunes of course. like there’s any other kind). This is normally something I refuse to do until Dec. 1 but I guess a few days early can’t hurt.

To me, Christmas is great but not for all the religious reasons and singing carols and things like that. It’s just a guarunteed time of year where you’re gonna see your hole family. Family is important to me and despite us living within 2 hours of each other and most of us within a half hour of each, we really don’t get together all that often but at Christmas it’s just understood that we will all end up at the same place at one point or another and it’s always great.

I’m also a notoriously late Christmas shopper but for one reason or another, I already have 3 people shopped for but there’s one guy I’m not sure about. If anyone has any idea what to get a an exceptionally obese, blog co-writing blink i’d be glad to hear your suggestions.

Sometimes even better than Christmas is New Years and I’ve already got those plans made too and it’s sure to be a blast.

I know this has been a pretty pointless post but as I said earlier, I got up too early and have no idea how to fill this time so you get this.

Happy Holidays Already

More Michael

Hello Everyone
Been a day or so since I threw anything up here, so I figured I should probably do so. It’s Saturday, 10am and I’m not used to being up yet on a Saturday so I have nothing to do, so this will do.

Last night I watched a Dateline Special called “Michael Jackson. Accused”. The show just about made me sick.

Now I should start this by saying I don’t believe Michael is guilty. I don’t know him or have any background info… I just have that feeling that he really didn’t do it and this is some hick family looking to get famous off of someone else. Anyway.

The special though was very clearly an anti-Jackson show. Sure, they claimed the hole time to be impartial and objective but there was not one person on the zhow that said he didn’t do it. Everyone they interviewed said how obvious it was that Michael had done it and when there were gaps in the story that could prove his innocense they were quick to find an excuse to eliminate that gap. It was sickening.

Also, while the host was talking about some of Michael’s habits, it seemed he was making fun of him. He didn’t just deliver the information, he said it with a sarcastic tone making it seem like “can you believe this guy?”. This is not objective journalism and had no business being on a news type broadcast.

There is nothing wrong with having a completely and blatantly anti-Michael special if that’s what you want to do. But don’t put it on Dateline or if you feel that’s where you have to put it, at the very least don’t call it news and objective journalism because if there were people who weren’t sure before, they’re most certainly sure he’s guilty after seeing this show. Sure, these people are sheep but you’re taught to believe the News and this type of thing was not news, this was opinion and had no business on the show it was advertised on.

Hey Kid, There’s Candy At My Themepark

Oops, nothing got posted yesterday. Oh well, there’s not really much any of us can do about that now. I was going to throw something up here last night but I came down with a madass migraine that kept me from doing anything other than laying on the couch and trying not to cry. My head still hurts and I hardly got any sleep last night because of it but at least the pain has gone down some. Hopefully it keeps going down and hopefully I can grab a nap at some point because bad headaches and loud music aren’t friends, at least not in my experience.

Yes, tonight is a night of beverages and concerts in my neck of the woods. A friend and I are going to see
3MDM
at a local bar. If you’re not familiar with 3MDM, and let’s face it, you probably aren’t, they’re without question the greatest cover band I’ve ever seen. Not only do they put on an amazing show but they’re super nice guys as well. Hell, the first time I went to see them the lead singer bought me a beer. How cool is that? And to top it all off, you don’t have to pay to get in. All you pay for are your drinks and food, mostly drinks in my case. Seems to be the way most people who go handle things, especially the Scottish guy who gives you a shower every time you talk to him. Oh well, he’s a good guy too and I don’t even mind him. Don’t worry, he’s not part of the band, he’s just a fan of there’s. So if you see that they’re coming to a place near you, go, you’ll have fun. If you don’t have fun watching those guys, you my friend are a complete idiot. Maybe that’s a little harsh, but there’s definitely something the matter with you if you can’t enjoy a 3MDM show.

Ok, on to music of a different kind. I’m not sure what to make of this whole Michael Jackson thing. Part of me wants to believe that he didn’t do anything wrong since I grew up with Thriller, but part of me recognizes that the guy’s a fucking freak and should probably rot somewhere. Then there’s the part of me that understands his fascination with kids, and trust me, it’s a really small part. But just think about this for a second, Michael Jackson had no childhood. By the time he was 5 years old his nutcase Dad had Mike and his brothers made into international music sensations. Touring the world, making albums, doing TV specials and all sorts of other public appearances isn’t really normal, especially when you’ve got a father like Joe running the show. So in a way, it almost makes sense that Michael gravitates towards children, he’s trying to live out his childhood vicariously through others. It doesn’t give him the right to feed any of them the flesh lollipop, but it’s a good solid psychological reason for him to act the way he does. If you think I’m talking out of my ass here, just remember that the guy lives in a fucking theme park. If that doesn’t scream nutty guy trying to hold on to some shred of being a kid, what does? As for him being a nutty guy, how could he not be? He had nothing resembling a normal life, ever. He didn’t grow up and become famous, fame was thrust upon him from day 1. He had no choice and to him, he’s not weird at all, everything he’s doing is as normal as going to the grocery store.

And I really wish that the media would simmer down a little bit. I don’t need a blow by blow acount of every moment of this saga, so to speak. The fact that Michael is working out the details of his surrender while taking a shit at a Burger King in West Virginia isn’t really of great concern to me. Tell me he’s a wanted man and put on the weather. I don’t need all the comments on the case from other Hollywood stars either. Surprise surprise, they’re all supporting him. I can’t see how this would surprise anybody, I mean come on, just look at some of the people who call Hollywood home. To find a bigger group of perverts and weirdos than that you’d have to get comments from Congress.

So the bottom line here is that I’m not sure if I should feel sorry for him or disgusted by him. I’m thinking that the right answer is somewhere in the middle, which is probably where my final opinion of this whole situation will end up no matter how it turns out in the end. But Michael, I’m rooting for you, I want you to be innocent. I want to find out that you didn’t give anyone a Thriller, because that would be Bad. But if you did, I’m just glad that the kid is not my son. This case is far from Black Or White, and if he can get himself cleared of these charges while being guilty all along, he’s a Smooth Criminal for sure. But I suppose that all that’s really important is that when all this is over, he can still look at The Man In The Mirror and like what he sees. By the way, if any of you reading this Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’, that’s what the comment boards are for.