Idiotic Inventions

Have you ever come across something with a concept so stupid you just stop and wonder, “what were they thinking when they came up with that?” Well I have something like that in my very own house. I actually own a cooking pot made entirely out of metal. Now that doesn’t sound very odd at first glance but let me describe it in a little more detail for you. It is your regular cooking pot in just about every way. It isn’t of either an above or below average size, it isn’t shaped funny or anything like that and it isn’t made out of some revolutionary new material, just metal. It has 2 handles on it, 1 on the left and 1 on the right. Both of these handles are made of the same metal material as the rest of the pot. Are you starting to see where I’m going with this? It also has a metal lid which has it’s own handle on the top, also made of the exact same thing.

Now of course you are going to have to heat this pot up at some point if you ever want to use it to cook something, since heat is a fairly important part of the food cooking process. And if you know anything about metal, you know that it tends to heat up fairly quickly and become extremely hot to the touch in short order. Most metal pot craftsmen have the foresight to take this into acount when they design their creations and build their handles and lids to include plastic of some sort that will ensure that you have a cool place to grab onto when you need to move the pot or take the lid off to examine what’s happening within. However such foresight is not allocated in equal portions as evidenced by the lack of any such plastic on this particular beast. This thing is an accident waiting to happen and it isn’t so much a pot as it is a make work program for the local burn unit.

I’m not sure who bought me this thing, hell, it could have been me for all I know. All I know is that not only was somebody stupid enough to design and build something like this, but I’m also dumb enough to use it repeatedly. I’m actually using it now which reminds me, I’d better go check on my food. If you don’t hear from me for awhile, it’s probably because I’m trying to dial 911 with my char broiled nub.

Death By Pizza Hut

Remember that
I was talking about yesterday? Well, thanks to the fine folks over at
Pizza Hut
I never actually made it. The night was going so well too in spite of me being super tired. Our plan, which up to concert time was executed to perfection was to meet up at my house, swing by the beer store for some refreshments, go for dinner somewhere, head back to my house again to kill time and then head out to the club to see the show. Well, somewhere between dinner and concert things went horribly wrong and the concert was just not to be. And to think, I was about 2 minutes away from ralphing in the back of a cab. Fortunately, smart thinking prevailed and me and my buddy decided to stay home and wait for the oven baked crust to do it’s thing to both of us and take the night from there. Things got better since the poisoning was a pretty short term deal and we were smart enough to get beer ahead of time so the night ended up being pretty long and quite a bit of fun, even if it wasn’t what we had in mind. We also got 2 free pizzas next time we decide to go back to Pizza hut so much love to those guys for putting things right. I love that place and it would suck to not be able to go there anymore because of something like that. Never had a problem there before so I still trust them.

So right now I’m coasting on about 3 hours of sleep and I figured before I lie down and give this old timers hockey game the full attention it deserves I’d check in with all of you just to say hi. So, hi. If you’re wondering about the game, Edmonton is winning, I think it’s 1-0 unless I missed something. This game is really cool to watch, lots of guys that I remember watching with my Grandpa when I was a really little kid. Oh the memories.

I would also like to encourage all of you to check out
Flashlight Brown,
a really good Canadian punk outfit from Toronto. I picked up their latest album “my Degeneration” today when I was out at the mall. Wasn’t expecting to find it there, and especially not for 13 bucks so that was a nice surprise. These guys are currently touring across Canada with
The Planet Smashers,
so if you’re into them I bet you’d find a place in your heart for Flashlight as well. I’m still kicking myself for not going to see them play right here in my very own city last Monday night. I my friends am a big loser and I deserve to miss out. A friend of mine went to see them the night after they were here and he said the show was amazing, which made me feel so much better about not going. Thanks man.

While we’re doing the music thing I should mention that
Brad Sucks
has a new song posted on his website. It’s a pretty rough mix of a slow tune he just finished up and it’s very different from a lot of the stuff he’s done. I think if he ever gets around to polishing it up it could be a really cool tune.

Sorry about the utter crappiness of this post, but tiredness is really starting to get to me. Check out the stuff I mentioned above and read what Matt had to say earlier and I think you’ll be happier than you are now after reading this all the way through.

By the way Matt, WCW videos are a pretty rare find these days so it seems. I can’t find anything that would fit into that category to get you as a Christmas gift. They have early 90’s stuff and lots of NWA from the 80’s, but no mid-90’s boom period stuff. If I were to get you anything else wrestling video or DVD related, what would it be? I know you had your heart set on that sheep but please try to get over that and focus on what’s going on now.

Alright, Alright. I Caved.

Fine. I’ve been everywhere around town and the Christmas stuff is in full force so I’ve excepted that the season is here and am ready to jump on the bandwagon.

This morning I added all my Christmas tunes back to my music playlist. (all punk christmas tunes of course. like there’s any other kind). This is normally something I refuse to do until Dec. 1 but I guess a few days early can’t hurt.

To me, Christmas is great but not for all the religious reasons and singing carols and things like that. It’s just a guarunteed time of year where you’re gonna see your hole family. Family is important to me and despite us living within 2 hours of each other and most of us within a half hour of each, we really don’t get together all that often but at Christmas it’s just understood that we will all end up at the same place at one point or another and it’s always great.

I’m also a notoriously late Christmas shopper but for one reason or another, I already have 3 people shopped for but there’s one guy I’m not sure about. If anyone has any idea what to get a an exceptionally obese, blog co-writing blink i’d be glad to hear your suggestions.

Sometimes even better than Christmas is New Years and I’ve already got those plans made too and it’s sure to be a blast.

I know this has been a pretty pointless post but as I said earlier, I got up too early and have no idea how to fill this time so you get this.

Happy Holidays Already

More Michael

Hello Everyone
Been a day or so since I threw anything up here, so I figured I should probably do so. It’s Saturday, 10am and I’m not used to being up yet on a Saturday so I have nothing to do, so this will do.

Last night I watched a Dateline Special called “Michael Jackson. Accused”. The show just about made me sick.

Now I should start this by saying I don’t believe Michael is guilty. I don’t know him or have any background info… I just have that feeling that he really didn’t do it and this is some hick family looking to get famous off of someone else. Anyway.

The special though was very clearly an anti-Jackson show. Sure, they claimed the hole time to be impartial and objective but there was not one person on the zhow that said he didn’t do it. Everyone they interviewed said how obvious it was that Michael had done it and when there were gaps in the story that could prove his innocense they were quick to find an excuse to eliminate that gap. It was sickening.

Also, while the host was talking about some of Michael’s habits, it seemed he was making fun of him. He didn’t just deliver the information, he said it with a sarcastic tone making it seem like “can you believe this guy?”. This is not objective journalism and had no business being on a news type broadcast.

There is nothing wrong with having a completely and blatantly anti-Michael special if that’s what you want to do. But don’t put it on Dateline or if you feel that’s where you have to put it, at the very least don’t call it news and objective journalism because if there were people who weren’t sure before, they’re most certainly sure he’s guilty after seeing this show. Sure, these people are sheep but you’re taught to believe the News and this type of thing was not news, this was opinion and had no business on the show it was advertised on.

Hey Kid, There’s Candy At My Themepark

Oops, nothing got posted yesterday. Oh well, there’s not really much any of us can do about that now. I was going to throw something up here last night but I came down with a madass migraine that kept me from doing anything other than laying on the couch and trying not to cry. My head still hurts and I hardly got any sleep last night because of it but at least the pain has gone down some. Hopefully it keeps going down and hopefully I can grab a nap at some point because bad headaches and loud music aren’t friends, at least not in my experience.

Yes, tonight is a night of beverages and concerts in my neck of the woods. A friend and I are going to see
at a local bar. If you’re not familiar with 3MDM, and let’s face it, you probably aren’t, they’re without question the greatest cover band I’ve ever seen. Not only do they put on an amazing show but they’re super nice guys as well. Hell, the first time I went to see them the lead singer bought me a beer. How cool is that? And to top it all off, you don’t have to pay to get in. All you pay for are your drinks and food, mostly drinks in my case. Seems to be the way most people who go handle things, especially the Scottish guy who gives you a shower every time you talk to him. Oh well, he’s a good guy too and I don’t even mind him. Don’t worry, he’s not part of the band, he’s just a fan of there’s. So if you see that they’re coming to a place near you, go, you’ll have fun. If you don’t have fun watching those guys, you my friend are a complete idiot. Maybe that’s a little harsh, but there’s definitely something the matter with you if you can’t enjoy a 3MDM show.

Ok, on to music of a different kind. I’m not sure what to make of this whole Michael Jackson thing. Part of me wants to believe that he didn’t do anything wrong since I grew up with Thriller, but part of me recognizes that the guy’s a fucking freak and should probably rot somewhere. Then there’s the part of me that understands his fascination with kids, and trust me, it’s a really small part. But just think about this for a second, Michael Jackson had no childhood. By the time he was 5 years old his nutcase Dad had Mike and his brothers made into international music sensations. Touring the world, making albums, doing TV specials and all sorts of other public appearances isn’t really normal, especially when you’ve got a father like Joe running the show. So in a way, it almost makes sense that Michael gravitates towards children, he’s trying to live out his childhood vicariously through others. It doesn’t give him the right to feed any of them the flesh lollipop, but it’s a good solid psychological reason for him to act the way he does. If you think I’m talking out of my ass here, just remember that the guy lives in a fucking theme park. If that doesn’t scream nutty guy trying to hold on to some shred of being a kid, what does? As for him being a nutty guy, how could he not be? He had nothing resembling a normal life, ever. He didn’t grow up and become famous, fame was thrust upon him from day 1. He had no choice and to him, he’s not weird at all, everything he’s doing is as normal as going to the grocery store.

And I really wish that the media would simmer down a little bit. I don’t need a blow by blow acount of every moment of this saga, so to speak. The fact that Michael is working out the details of his surrender while taking a shit at a Burger King in West Virginia isn’t really of great concern to me. Tell me he’s a wanted man and put on the weather. I don’t need all the comments on the case from other Hollywood stars either. Surprise surprise, they’re all supporting him. I can’t see how this would surprise anybody, I mean come on, just look at some of the people who call Hollywood home. To find a bigger group of perverts and weirdos than that you’d have to get comments from Congress.

So the bottom line here is that I’m not sure if I should feel sorry for him or disgusted by him. I’m thinking that the right answer is somewhere in the middle, which is probably where my final opinion of this whole situation will end up no matter how it turns out in the end. But Michael, I’m rooting for you, I want you to be innocent. I want to find out that you didn’t give anyone a Thriller, because that would be Bad. But if you did, I’m just glad that the kid is not my son. This case is far from Black Or White, and if he can get himself cleared of these charges while being guilty all along, he’s a Smooth Criminal for sure. But I suppose that all that’s really important is that when all this is over, he can still look at The Man In The Mirror and like what he sees. By the way, if any of you reading this Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’, that’s what the comment boards are for.

Fun With Spammers

From: “hit_this_piece_kara7” <>

To: <
Other email address of mine that none of you know about.

Sent: Wednesday, November 19, 2003 10:06 AM
Subject: I like to do it on top of my car

“I like to masterbate on top of my 2004 Mercury Cougar I get even more turned on when I am being watched check it out at”…link removed.

From: “Steve W”
To: “hit_this_piece_kara7” <>
Sent: Wednesday, November 19, 2003 11:45 AM
Subject: Re: I like to do it on top of my car

I also like to masturbate on top of your car so please, quit putting it in
the garage and put it back in the goddamn driveway where it used to be. The
door is heavy and noisy and breaking into your garage to rub one out on the
roof just isn’t as fun and dangerous as doing it out in the open. I’m sure
you can do me this one little favour, I thought we were friends.

Must Be That Time Of Year Again

I know it’s getting close to being Christmas when I start seeing all of the Christmas humour in my email again. Most of it is all the same old crap that I’ve seen every year, but my brother sent me one today that I’d never seen and it’s pretty funny so here it is.

Politically correct 12 days of Christmas

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note).

TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,

(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,

THREE deconstructionist poets,

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses, and

ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Merry Christmas.
Happy Chanukah/Hanukkah.
Good Kwanzaa.
Blessed Yule.
Oh, heck! Happy Holidays!!!! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)

Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with a suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

Ask At Your Own Risk. (November 19, 2003)

Hello and welcome back all you little Vomiteers. It’s time for the 2nd edition of “Ask At Own Risk.” There was mixed reaction to the first installment but we will continue with this until the feedback is all negative…. and probably even then carry it a little longer. We start off this time with a real question.

Dear Comet

So I got this girlfriend, and her mother and sister do not approve of me highly. WHO KNOWS WHY? Wink wink. Anywho, I was wondering how to get those 2 monkeys off my back, because, well, they’re very protective of her and…y’know. And as for her mother and sister, they’re even more protective. They worry I may treat her poorly and such and such. Okay guys, fire at will!

– Signed Wikkid Awesome

Dear Wikkid Awesome

I suppose you could kill the two monkeys…. think it over.
If for some odd reason you decide that you’d like a less bloody solution try bein’ what they like when you’re around them. Sure, you’re compromising everything that you like about you – but it’s all worth it later on when you’re gettin’ your mack on. Or ditch the momma’s girl with her babysitter and go find a woman that would hand out the lovin’ at her own parents funeral. Do what you gotta do, man.

Now back to the usual.

Dear Comet

My daughter met her boyfriend at 16. They dated seven years, he was like
a family member. Everything went fine until he was laid off last year.

He became depressed and emotional. He decided to separate to focus on
“searching for his goal.” She was devastated.

A week later he came back and asked for forgiveness. But he’s still unhappy.
He searched for jobs with little success. He put away my daughter’s
He didn’t wear their relationship ring anymore.

Recently, he said he finds no challenge or motivation in their relationship.
He even indicated another girl was interested in him. He said he knew my
was the best for him. However, he wanted to split up to prove he could be
successful doing things on his own. If he comes back, he’ll marry her.

She’s upset. I advised she stay calm and not respond to his e-mails. Am I

– Confused mother

Dear Retarded Mother

What the fuck is your problem? Your daughter is absoultely devastated at what’s going on and your advice is for her to cut him out of the picture? I’m glad I’m sure glad you don’t write these columns. You are what I like to call an unrelenting idiot. The stupidity that you unleash unto this world comes in waves, over and over, never ceasing, just continuing to pour more and more stupidity in to this world screwing all of us UNRELENTINGLY!
Do I know how to fix your daughter’s problem? No? But you didn’t ask that? You asked if you were riht and the answer is a resounding “Fuck No, Bitch!”. They’re having a tough time and clearly love each other. His idea is a stupid one but what do you think he will do if the love of his life stops answering his e-mails? For the love of Bunt Cake, lady. Think. No. Don’t think. Stay out of their lives. I’m sure you’re more responsible for this than you’d like to admit as it is.

Dear Comet

I’ve been dating a wonderful person for two years, we’ve known each other
for eight. I’m in my late 30s, he’s early 40s.

I was married before and have two young teens who get along extremely well
with my boyfriend as if they were his own. At our age, I feel our
should have progressed into something more by now, other than still dating.
Should I be concerned?

– On the fence

Dear Fence

The only thing you should be ooncerned about is having your head examined. Let me make this clear to you. YOU… HAVE… BAGGAGE! Ya, things are cool now while it’s all casual dating and stuff and the guy knows the little shits won’t be coming home with him but he wants no part of that. You’re an idiot for thinking he does. Those kids are a constant reminder that the “territory has been flagged” if you know what I mean and it will taunt him forever. Move on, or lose your kids somewhere. Maybe it’s time they had a lesson in “self reliance.” and shipped them off to the streets. If Junior can program has damn VCR, there’s no reason he can’t scrounge for food behind a Wendy’s.

Dear Comet

This girl that I really like has just gone through a tough break up. I was there for her the hole time. I’ve liked this girl for a very long time and while I was supportive to her during the break up, I was kinda hoping that they would break up as he treated her poorly and I believed that her and I would be a good fit for each other. I know it’s kinda low, but that’s what happened. Now I wanna know how long I should wait before maybe making a move, or if I should at all. We’ve been very close for a long time but never talked about being more than friends. A little help would be great.

– Looking For A Chance

Dear Looking For A Kick To The Skull

There are two very important thngs to note here. First of all, you’re an asshole. You sat there with a close friend with her crying on your shoulder and still hoped for what was making her so upset to continue. That’s classy. You’re Satan and you should rot. Now, the more important part.
You have taken the bus strait in to THE FRIEND ZONE! You were close before all this happend and probably borderline on the Friend Zone. Even if she ever even slightly considered you as a possible boyfriend before, she sure as hell doesn’t now… and I’ll tell you why.
You helped her through a break up. That’s it. You’re linked. Good friends forever. Enjoy it douchebag becuase you deserve this after what you did. Helping a girl through a break will link you forever as a closer personal friend. You got a better chance of getting some action in chasing her X-boyfriend than you do trying to score with her.
To her, right now, you are nothing more than sperm in a glass case. If things don’t work out down the road and she wnats a kid, she’ll come to you with one of those “when we’re 40 if neither of us are married” deals but that just means you’re her last option. Enjoy the late night phone calls over the fact that “Janet called me fat” and “wanna come pick out a top with me?”. For your sinful hoping for her break-up, you have been sentenced to a life in the Friend Zone.

That’s it for this week everyone. If you wanna write in with your own real questions, you can do so at…

Constructive Feedback

As a public service to people like Me For President and The Cracker Tool who don’t seem to get it, I thought I would post a short email exchange I just had with somebody who visited the site. His message is in italics, hope I spelled that right, and mine is in the plain old usual posting colours.

“i like your posts and rather enjoyed your web page, but i hate the name.
i don’t think it becomes you nor your obvious intelligence.

Bud Keith”

Here’s what I wrote back.

“Thanks, glad you like the site. But I didn’t name it, the other person who
writes on the site did. He named it after one of the biggest public transit
busses in our area. It’s a pretty apt name for that bus, and some of the
things written on the site by both of us make it a pretty apt name for the
site too. And in talking to some people, they said that the name was eye
catching and that’s why they clicked on it in the first place. To each
their own and I appreciate you taking the time to not only check out the
site, but email about it. I hope you’ll keep reading, even if you’re not a
fan of the name.


The point I’m trying to make here is this. It’s not hard to be nice, and it gets you a lot further than being an idiot does. I think I can speak for Matt here when I say that neither of us mind constructive criticism or negative feedback as long as you take the high road and present it the right way. In short, if you’re nice to us while pointing out your problem, we’ll be nice to you. Mentioning our obvious intelligence doesn’t hurt either.

Your Tax Dollars At Work

I just saw these in a weird news publication and since this sort of thing always makes me laugh, and since nothing has been posted here since Monday, I figure I’ll share. Here are a few really strange American laws that are no joke. Remember that no matter what country you live in, you’re paying people good money to protect your interests by passing this stuff.

In Alaska, it is illegal to look at a moose from the window of an aircraft or any other flying vehicle.

In Oklahoma, it is illegal to catch whales or to get a fish drunk. Oklahoma is an inland state.

In Milwaukee, residents must keep pet elephants on a leash while walking them on public streets.

In Muncie, Indiana, it is illegal to carry fishing tackle in a cemetery.

A law at Kirkland, Illinois, forbids bees from flying over the town.

An Ohio law states that pets have to carry lights on their tails at night.

At Greene, New York State, it is against the law to walk backwards while eating peanuts during a concert.

In Waterloo, Nebraska, barbers are prohibited from eating onions between the hours of 7 a.m. and 7 p.m.

At International Falls, Minnesota, it is illegal for a dog to chase a cat up a telegraph pole. Owners are liable to be fined.

It is illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your pockets in Lexington, Kentucky.