Barenaked Ladies Concerts Are Me

I really wanted to write this post a hell of a lot sooner, but I was either too tired to give it the coolness it deserved, or the guide dog stuff had taken over my brain. But I think now, the time is right. Hope I can do this justice.

Back a while ago, under my birthday post, Barbie mentioned that she and Steve were cooking up a surprise for me. and oh boy were they ever, boy oh boy.

Ok, where do I begin? I guess I begin when Barbie called and said she had this brilliant idea for a birthday surprise for me when I came down. She talked to Steve, and I overheard, “I’ll get her on the bus if I have to drag her through Guelph kicking and screaming.” So I knew this was going to be good. He told me he would throw in some money and that would be my Valentine’s Day present. Then Barbie asked me what my dream birthday dinner would be if she were to make it. I told her, and then I got thinking. If she’s making dinner, then we’re not going out for dinner, so what could the surprise be.

All the way leading up to it, Barbie kept asking me what I thought it was. I said it must be some kind of concert or show. Steve overheard this, and erupted into this tyrade of “What? Do you think we’re made of money? A concert in Ottawa? Do you think we can afford that?” This did two things: make me second-guess myself, and raise my suspicions that I was right. That explosion seemed a little over the top to be genuine. It did throw me off, though, so I guess it did its job.

Every time Barbie was talking to me, she seemed to be bubbling over with excitement about this surprise, and kept trying to make me guess at it or giv me hints. She said that the whole place where we were going was a party room, and then steve chimed in and said he had tried 3 times to do this and hadn’t been able to yet. I was still confused.

Then, just before I came down, Barbie kept insisting that I bring down the Barenaked Ladies CD that I got for Christmas because she wanted to hear it. I didn’t think much of it, just packed it and didn’t give it another thought. I was happy to do it, because I hadn’t listened to the CD yet, so now I definitely was going to give it a listen.

When I got there, she was trying her best to contain the surprise. She raised the mystery of it by letting me touch an envelope that she said had to do with the surprise, only for a second. Then I thought, again, that it was concert tickets. But I didn’t care, whatever it was, I was sure it would be fun.

The day of the mysterious event, which I had only been able to learn happened at 7:30, she said we were taking a bus out to Kinata, and asked if that gave me any clue. I thought about Scotiabank place where they have hockey games and concerts, but thought for sure that tickets there would be too damned expensive, so I said I didn’t know, and that Kinata was a big place.

Then, she really wanted to hear the Barenaked Ladies CD before we started on this epic bus journey to wherever we were going. Again, she asked me if I had a clue. I said I thought it had something to do with the Barenaked Ladies. She started laughing, and she and her boyfriend told me I’d be sorely disappointed. Yes, her boyfriend was in on the shenanigans too!

So we got on the bus, and she started to worry. “When should we tell her?” she’d ask her boyfriend. he told her to wait, and she did, even though it seemed to be killing her. We rode on the bus for a long, long, long time, about 45 minutes or so, but I can’t remember how long it was. Just before we got there, her boyfriend said, “We’re taking you to this big theatre to see this new movie.” I’m like ok? Barbie had mentioned wanting popcorn when we got to the surprise, so that made sense. I wondered what was so wonderful about this movie that Steve would drag me kicking and screaming through Guelph to make sure I saw it. Steve’s not the biggest movie buff. But I knew this had to be good, so off we went. Then, Barbie said she had to talk to people about getting special things. Then I was very confused. What sort of special things do you get at a movie?

Oh, and there was this other mysterious thing that kept happening. Barbie kept asking if I’d ever heard of Tomi Swick. I’d say no, and ask why. She’d give me no good reason. She’d just say she’d heard of him somewhere.

Finally, the truth came out. Her boyfriend said, “This is not a theatre, it’s Scotiabank Place, and we’re seeing the Barenaked Ladies.”

Just imagine the shriek. Honestly I can’t remember what I did, because I was just so happy! Maybe Barbie can fill in that little gap. Suddenly all the pieces started to come together. I’d forgotten about this, but Steve had tried to see the Barenaked ladies twice before, and this was his third attempt, but the poor guy ended up staying home for a few reasons. Steve *was* trying to throw me off by saying concerts were too much money. Plus, a few days before I took off to see Barbie, Steve was mentioning bands that I would pay to see, and he’d mentioned the Barenaked Ladies. He’d also randomly asked me from time to time if I’d listened to the CD, but I didn’t give that much thought because we both like their stuff and he got it for me, so he’d want to know if I liked it or whatever. Of course Barbie would want to hear the CD before we headed out to see them! It was all becoming clear to me now!

And Tomi Swick? He was the opening band! Ah! That’s why the little bum couldn’t tell me where she’d heard of him.

I was sitting there, guarding her and her boyfriend’s seats while they went off on the quest for popcorn, thinking about how cool this was. Then they came back, and made it a hell of a lot cooler! I don’t know what Barbie had done, but she had convinced Gene at security to let us move down so we were really really really close to the stage. Gene, you’re a good man. I guess she told him that this was a birthday present, and tried to make it so we could go backstage. We couldn’t, which was probably for the best, since I would have turned into a stammering nincompoop and humiliated myself in front of a band who I’ve loved for years. It would have been inevitable.

We moved down, down, down, and found our new seats just as the first Barenaked Ladies song started to play. Then I started to gush. They’re awesome, and they’re very awesome live! I can’t even really explain it. They do a whole hell of a lot of good songs, I mean, they’re the Barenaked ladies, plus they improvise raps and other cool stuff. Like they did this whole song about Winterlude, an event that happens in Ottawa. How awesome is that?

At one point, they started naming off towns around Ottawa, asking if people were from there. It was then when a lady beside me yelled, “Renfrew!” which is where I’m from. Eek, this small world is getting smaller. Creepier yet was that this lady’s husband works at the same school as my mom! Needless to say, mom heard about me being at the concert before I had a chance to tell her! It’s a really good thing we hadn’t had a couple drinks before going there, that would have been bad, bad, bad.

For two hours, they played. I could sing almost every song they sang. People threw underwear at them. They came out and did a couple encores. It was an awesome night, but Barbie went and added her own little touch to it.

She stood up, and I didn’t know what was up her sleeve. She tried a couple times to get their attention, pointing at me, yelling, “It’s this girl’s birthday!” I started to worry that her and Gene the security guy had something planned for me. Finally, after a couple yells, and getting other people to join in, she got their attention. They said, “It’s whose birthday? Hers? How’d you like to make out with a whole rock band?” I started turning beet red at this point. I didn’t know what was going to happen. Then, they said, “We’ll get Van Halen on the phone!” and everybody laughed. The Barenaked Ladies talked to me! Um, eek!

After it was over, I felt like I was in this little humming bubble that muffled all sound, but I didn’t care. My voice was gone. It was awesome. Then the funniest thing happened. As we went to find the bus, we were running through this alley thing. From ahead of us, we heard someone badly playing a trombone. Just as I thought I was getting what tune he was trying to play, it would change! Then he would stop playing altogether, and start yelling random things at people. At one point, I thought he was chasing us, which really weirded me out because it reminded me of my nightmare with the trumpet-playing terrorists. But he wasn’t chasing us at all, and after we got clear of him, Barbie’s boyfriend gave us a fine description of this, um, musician? He was wearing nothing but underwear and a bandage on his leg, and his clothes were folded beside him. Allrighty then. Welcom to the homeless in Ottawa. All I could think was I’m sure he’d make a lot more money selling the trombone than playing it. But then again, that’s why I’m not yelling at people and badly playing a trombone in an alley and he is. Ouch! That was mean.

That was, well, long and involved. But my point is thanks Barbie, her boyfriend, and Steve for the awesome surprise! It’ll be a long time before I forget the awesomeness that was that night. I’ll get you all back some day. I will!

Dear Topper’s Pizza:

Thank you for persistently letting me know of your existence. I would like to inform you that you can stop now. I’m quite aware of your phone number, address, and that you deliver.

Almost every time I check the mail, I find another fliar of yours touting your great pizza. Do you think that sheer volume of junkmail is going to make me buy your pizza? It’s not. Anyone remember how I feel about Rogers Home Phone? Stop sending me junkmail, and I’ll consider asking about your pizza. Thank you.

March 2nd’s Odd Combination Of Things

Like I said
last time,
some of these links will probably stop working after a little while. This is normal.

Like I also said last time, feel free to send things in, I can always use more material.

Ok, here we go.

*In some news I’m very happy to hear, the British government is
considering giving police the authority to inspect the cell phone records of drivers involved in non-fatal accidents to help them determine whether a mobile device may have played a part in what happened and make it easier to prosecute in cases where one has.
Hopefully other governments will follow the lead, and once this is taken care of finally set about fixing drunk driving laws so that impaired drivers get as many more chances to drive after they’ve been convicted as the people they could have killed would have.

*Here’s one from the Do We Really Need That? Department. Scientests in China have developed a way to
remotely control the flight of pigeons.
All they need to do now is find a reason to use this discovery. But what I can’t figure out is why did they bother? What is so wrong with the state of electronic technology that they couldn’t have just built a robot pigeon and programmed it to respond to instructions from their computer? This whole electrodes in the heads of living creatures thing creeps me out just a little.

*But this on the other hand I can definitely deal with. A man named John Cornwell has
invented a remote controlled fridge that will throw a beer to you from up to 10 feet away.
And before you ask, yes, he’s aware that it’s dangerous, but says it gets easier the more you use it.

*If you ever find yourself needing to pass a fraudulent check, signing it Bob Smith is a much better idea than claiming that somebody by the name of
King Savior, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Servant
is giving you $50,000, like Kevin Russell of Gary, Indiana tried to do.

*How nobody thought of
starting a marijuana religion to try to get around United States drug laws
before now I have no idea, but Craig Rubin, the man who did, will be going to court soon over it. And to add just a little more wackiness to this whole thing, the man who wrote the story linked above is named Greenberg.

*
OUCH! No, make that FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK OUCH!!!!

*Here’s another story about somebody who decided to
name his kid something retarded.
This time it’s after a car.

*Since I know a few people who read will be interested in knowing this,
the next Star Trek movie is scheduled to be released on Christmas day 2008.

*A bill is under consideration in Ohio that would require all convicted sex offenders in the state to
have special fluorescent-green license plates on their cars.
I don’t know if there is any truth to reports that all of their license numbers would have to be changed to I RAPDU, but I’ll look into it.

And if you’ll allow me to rant for a second, I’d like to say a quick word to the people who oppose the idea, the ones who feel that it isn’t fair because it would unjustly stigmatize any person who shared the car. So what? If you’re that worried about it, take a cab. Or if that’s too much money, the bus is a lot cheaper. and if sex offenders are so worried about stigmatizing people, perhaps they should have thought about that before they, ya know, became convicted sex offenders.

That’s all for today. Right now, I’m off to watch the news. A group of surgeons has been trying to put the bejesus back into a beating victim, and I want to see how it went. Talk to you soon.

California Dreamin’? It’s coming true!

This next line is for Steve.

Jump jump jump jump jump dance dance dance leap in the air!

I have my doggy class date! I have my doggy class date! And it’s way the hell sooner than I thought! It’s March 18! Now, the fun begins! I have a lot of crap to do! Thank god I have my passport already!

I’m so happy, so relieved, so…exhausted! I’ve been a phone and email machine for a little while. There’s so much to think of, so much to remember! I’ll be gone for a whole month! 28 days! Um, wow! I gotta stop exclaiming. That’s getting annoying.

So, wish me luck, and stay tuned for more doggy goodness. Man, with all the snow, freezing rain, ice pellets and other assorted winter crap, California is looking super sweet right now.

The Wait is Over!

I can’t contain this. I’m so happy happy happy I have to write it here. And because I’m a complete and utter bitch, I’m going to make you wait for the good stuff just as long as I have to.

Today, I finished up my shift of answering phones. As I left, tired as usual, I phoned home to say I was on my way home so Steve knew generally when to expect me. And this is what happened.

steve: hello?

Me: hello.

Steve: How are you?

Me: tired…but whatever.

Steve: Well, wake up.

Me: huh?

Steve: I was heating up the grill and starting to make food when the phone rang. I didn’t recognize the number, so I let the machine get it. I checked a bit later, and discovered you have a message from…
(world suddenly begins to move in slow mo. I cannot breathe. I’m clinging to the railing)
the instructor at Guide Dogs!

Me: gasp. Shriek!
(runs for exit of building since I just shrieked and might have caused unnecessary alarm)

Me: Some incoherent babble and a lot of gasping, half laughing and half crying!

I ran down the street, probably looking like I was looped out on bad drugs. I was half expecting to get stopped and asked if I was ok. I was so giddy I didn’t care. Tears were streaming down my face as I ran because I’m such a terminal sap and cry when I’m happy too. I got to the bus and got on. Then, fate started teasing me, making this gift like those Christmas gifts you get that are wrapped in 3 boxes and you have to keep opening more and more boxes. The damn bus took 10 minutes to leave the damn square! When I got off at my stop, the damn sidewalk was covered in ice, snow, and assorted garbage, so it took even longer to get home than I wanted to! I ran inside, called back the instructor and…got his answering machine!

Arg! He’s done for the day. God damn damn damn it! But tomorrow, I will have my doggy class date, and as soon as I have it, it’s goin’ up here! Yeah! I’m goin’ to California! Start the countdown, baby!

I can’t even begin to express how this feels. All the anciness is over! I’m going! I feel drunk without taking a sip of booze. I’m incoherent and stuttering. I’m absolutely nuts with glee! And you’re all staring at me like I should really take a chill pill. Maybe I should. Na! I’m gonna enjoy this!

An Odd Combination Of Things

Every day, I’m either sent or I come across a lot of funny or interesting things. Sadly, a lot of them don’t make it to the site for one reason or another. Sometimes they’re too short to make anything out of. I do 1 line posts from time to time, but you can’t do that with everything. Sometimes I just flat out can’t make something interesting out of something on its own but have nothing else to put with it to make it work. Sometimes I simply forget about them when something else grabs my attention. Because of this, a lot of pretty decent material has died on the vine over the years for no other reason than that I suck. So today I start trying to change that. No, not that, I’ll always suck. No amount of changing is ever going to fix that. But from now on, I’m going to do my best to make sure that all of you see more of what I see. Sometimes it’ll be weird news, sometimes it’ll be serious news. Sometimes it’ll be videos, sometimes it’ll be audio. Sometimes you’ll get quick jokes, sometimes you’ll get websites you can waste your life on. I don’t know how this will turn out from day to day or even if I’ll have enough to work with to make it a daily event, but I’ll do my best to make it as entertaining and hopefully as frequent as I possibly can.

Ok, now that we all understand what’s going on here, let’s get to it.

If you find that any of these links don’t go where they’re supposed to or don’t work at all, that’s not my fault. Things disappear all the time and there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s just the way the internet works, don’t yell at me.

*New Zealand resident A J Hackett is planning to
bungee jump
from 4920 feet in the air out of a helicopter. If the stunt is successful, he will double the current world bungee record. If not, funeral services will be held at the Church of Our Lady of What Were You Thinking?

*I think I’ve found
the next generation of contributors
to
Cover Letters from Hell.

*This
story
explains 2 things. One is the obesity epidemic, and the other is why people in less fortunate countries don’t seem to like Americans so much.

*
Wasn’t that a party?

*According to
How Many of Me.com,
there are 2 of me in the United States, 0 of Carin, and 133 of Matt. I mention this in an attempt to educate and inform, as well as to help you waste hours of your life without really trying.

*Speaking of which, if you’re looking for a way to waste time while still being somewhat productive and maybe even a little helpful, go
here
and tell everyone you know [other than me thank you very much] to eat fruit.

*If I believed in the death penalty, stupidity like
driving and checking your email
is the kind of thing I would think a person should fry for.

*Something tells me that this woman’s
messages from God being in violation of signage laws
is the least of her problems.

*I never thought that something so simple could be so dangerous, but the
11 deaths, 100 plus injuries and over 700 arrests at an annual kite-flying festival in Pakistan would seem to prove me wrong.

*If we have to pay people billions of dollars to act like children, why don’t we pay children to do it? It would make a lot more sense than paying people like John Baird to
present fake Academy Awards to the liberals for changing their position on environmental issues.
First of all, nobody has done a bigger “flip-flop” than the Conservatives on the environment, and second, if you’re going to act like a smartass and try to parody the Oscars, at least try to name the movie that they won for. I think even a child would have done that.

*If you really love Google, or if you’re just one of those people who likes to throw away money and for some reason don’t want to send me a donation, $124.95 US can score you your very own
official Google bean bag chair.
But if that’s not enough for you and you now find yourself in need of a few pairs of Google socks or even a Google lava lamp, then you’re going to love
the Google Store.
Looking at all this stuff makes we wish I was better at taking advantage of people’s desire to own stupid crap. By the way, be sure to ask about our Vomit Comet deluxe toilet seats and dinnerware before you leave.

*I think the people at Science in the Public Interest must think we’re idiots, either that or they just don’t visit the real world very often. I can come up with no other way to explain
their urging that restaurants be required to provide nutritional facts about the food on their menus.
I agree that we should all be able to easily figure out exactly what we’re eating, but if you think that labeling a giant cheesecake as a bad nutritional choice is going to stop anybody from ordering it, you’re probably wrong. Yes, people are stupid, but I have yet to meet a person who has ever confused a cake with a carrot.

*
This is definitely not cake,
but it’s one hell of a protest, I’ll say that much.

*Wanted:
Woman to take ass beating from angry wife in place of actual mistress.
And here’s the really funny part. As of the time this story came out, 10 people had already offered their services.

*
This is great video I seen all time all my life.
I love the Iron Sheik. And yes, I know this is old, but it never stops amusing me.

I dont’ think I’ll be able to top that one, so we’re done for today. Feel free to send anything you think I might want to see, I like stuff. If I use it, then I will have.

Talk to you all soon, and sorry about the recent lack of updates. We were doing pretty good for a while there, but all good things must come to an end sometime, and so too must our update streak.

Play A Jazz Chord!

For some reason, perhaps the slight buzz I’ve got going right now, this joke cracked me up. Yes, I’m well aware that it’s stupid.

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, He asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice “Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!”

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie’s varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.

When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts “No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord!”

A bit irritated by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.

The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man jumps up again. “No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord!”

Well now truly irritated that this little guy doesn’t seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage “OK, mister, you get up here and do it!”

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing… “A jazz chord to say I ruv you…”

Keep It Down Up There!

Man mistook porn movie scream for rape

OCONOMOWOC, Wis. (AP) – A Wisconsin man said he broke into an apartment with a cavalry sword because he thought he heard a woman being raped but the sound was from a pornographic movie his upstairs neighbour was watching.

“Now I feel stupid,” said James Van Iveren, who has been charged in the case. “This really is nothing, nothing but a mistake.”

A criminal complaint said the neighbour told police Van Iveren pounded on the door and kicked it open without warning Feb. 12, damaging the frame and lock.

“Where is she?” Van Iveren demanded, thrusting the sword at the neighbour, the complaint said.

“Where is she?”

The neighbour told police Van Iveren became increasingly aggressive as he repeated the question, insisting he had heard a woman being raped. The complaint said, with the sword pointed at him, the neighbour led Van Iveren through the apartment, opening closet doors to prove he was alone.

The neighbour later played for police the part of the DVD he believed Van Iveren heard downstairs.

Van Iveren, 39, of Oconomowoc, was charged with criminal trespass, criminal damage and disorderly conduct, all while using a dangerous weapon, and is due in court March 5. Together, the misdemeanour counts carry a maximum sentence of 33 months in jail.

Van Iveren said Tuesday he heard a woman “screaming for help,” grabbed the sword, bounded up the stairs, kicked in the apartment door and confronted the man who lived there.

“I intended to hold it behind my back and knock. But I froze and instead, what happened happened,” he told the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel newspaper.

Contesting his neighbour’s account, Van Iveren said he didn’t look anywhere in the apartment except the front room and he never threatened the neighbour with the sword.

“I had the sword extended. But that was all,” he said.

Van Iveren, who lives with his mother in the downstairs apartment, said he did not call police when he heard the noises because he does not have a telephone. He said he barely knew the upstairs tenant.

Police seized Van Iveren’s sword, which he said was a family heirloom.

That story reminds me a lot of
this one from 2004 about a guy who planned a fantasy rape with a woman in a chat room but then broke into the wrong house.
The only real difference between the 2 is that Van Iveren only wound up menacing a stranger because he thought he honestly needed to help somebody. So while he should definitely feel like an idiot, at least he had guts enough to react to what could have been a bad situation.

Cover Letters From Hell

I should have written this up a few months ago when I found out about it, but since I’m a lazy hack, I just never got around to it.

Advertising agency Killian & Company has a hilarious section on its website called Cover Letters from Hell that features, well, cover letters from hell.

The link above will take you to a complete explanation of what’s going on, as well as to a whole mess of greatness known as the Cover Letter Hall of Shame.

This link will take you to the newest batch of submissions, which is full of gems such as the following:

I recently seen your job posting on craiglists.com I have a very extensive background in Marketing Communications … I have wrote traditional copy for print catalogs Hammacher Schlemmer and Spiegel …

I have to commend you on your superfluous and otherwise over-the-top website.

During my student teaching, I touched many of the students, especially the boys.

I feel that a companies sucsess depends on customer satifation and each employees dedication to meet that goal. I also attached my resume online. I will be very excited to hearing from you.

“Hello! My name is _________. I spoke with the woman in charge of your hiring the other day, and she suggested I send in this resume. While it goes against my personal, cultural, and religious beliefs to take any sort of orders from a woman, I decided to send this on in for your consideration. I would be a very good asset to your company, and I know that I can advance quickly enough so that I would never need to take orders from your girl again.”

Go read the whole thing, and weep for humanity.