Am I going deaf, or does anyone else, while not really paying attention to the TV hear, clear as a bell, “Tis the season to wallow?” Then you realise it’s “Tis the season to wow them,” because a commercial for Best Buy starts. But every single time I hear that commercial, I think it’s saying wallow! All I can think is “Now that doesn’t sound very festive.”
Why?
Tell me why some geniuses created the Micro Grill. Just try. It’s a grill in your microwave. It does everything a grill does, just as fast, but it’s in your microwave! So…just buy a grill! The only difference, besides it being in your microwave is you can put it in the dishwasher. Yee ha~! So your dishwasher can try and get it clean, sometimes succeeding, sometimes failing, like it does the rest of your dishes…if you have a dishwasher.
They even make you buy it for 90 bucks. 3 easy payments of $29.95 my ass! It’s 90 bucks! And that’s before the bastards known as shipping and taxes come along for the ride. Come on, I think I could get a single person grill, at least, for cheaper than that. And it’s self-contained, so, quelle surprise, when your microwave breaks, you don’t fuck yourself out of two appliances.
And here comes the ridiculous part. It claims to block microwaves. How do we know this? Why not just grill your food, and then you’ll know there are no microwaves in it.
If this came before the invention of the grill, I could see calling its inventors geniuses for real, not sarcastically. But now it just looks stupid. Or can anyone see a sensible reason why you would grill in your microwave instead of just buying a grill?
Decisions, Decisions!
Which is more disturbing? Someone who cannot possibly see that they are inconsiderate, selfish, obnoxious and demanding, or someone who suddenly asks you if they are selfish, inconsiderate, obnoxious or demanding, and you say, well, sometimes a little, but it’s no big deal, and then they try to force their personality to fit into what you may want like some kind of shapeshifter?
I had an, well, acquaintance, who has already tried to make himself a boyfriend, even though he will never admit it, acted like a semi-stalker, and then wonders why I won’t tell him my deepest, darkest secrets. The other day, he said he was having some trouble connecting with people and wondered if he was doing something wrong. He said to me, “I always feel like I’m unloading on you. Am I?”
I thought. and thought. and thought. I’m a terrible liar, and I like to be honest with people wherever I can. I admit sometimes I stay silent, not saying what I think, but if someone asks me a question point blank, well…I have a hard time squirming away from the truth. I thought some more. Sometimes it does feel like he’s unloading on me and not leaving me any time to talk. He’ll message me late at night and scream that he has a computer question and he needs help right now. Sometimes he’ll call and talk for long times and talk about nothing, or ask vague questions where you know there’s more to it.
But then again, he’s not exactly someone I feel comfortable unloading on. You know how you have certain friends who just make you laugh, but you wouldn’t tell them anything serious? Maybe you have some friends who you can always lean on, and they lean on you too, and then there are the friends who seem to lean on you more than you lean on them, and part of the reason is you’re pretty sure they can’t handle it, or would say something that would hurt. He’s one of the third type, and I keep him at an extra distance because of the creepy factor that he’s shown me before.
But he does ask me how I am, which is more than I can say for some of my friends who just talk and talk and talk and they might as well be talking to a machine.
So I thought some more. I decided to tell him, “Well, sometimes, when you call late at night and need computer help right now, without asking if I can do it, it feels like you’re demanding. But part of it is me just giving in and helping you without standing up for myself. Sometimes, you just call and rant and you don’t even ask if I have time or whatever. But at least sometimes, you ask how I am, which is good. So don’t really worry about it. It just might be nice to be asked at 10 at night if I’m up for helping with the computer before dumping the problem on me. Other than that, no biggy, don’t worry.”
Next, I get this creepy email that says something like, “Do you want me to change, or just stay the same?” Um, what do you want to do? It’s not about what I want, it’s what you want. I don’t want to order you to change your personality, and I don’t want you to put on an act for me. I told him to just be himself, I didn’t want any kind of forced change. I said if change was going to happen, it was going to be an evolution.
Then I get this call. It was so fake. It was like he was holding himself back, thinking about every single sentence as if it was a move in chess. It was mercifully short, interrupted by a call waiting beep, but even as short as it was, It was creepy. It was, just, ug. And part of me wonders if it was ug on its own merits, or if it was ug because of who he is, who he has been.
What is it with people who think a friendship is like a scientific or mathematical formula, and if they just add x and subtract y, it will all work out? It makes me sad, because they must have 0 ability to read social queues, so of course they must be confused. But how does someone learn something like that? How does a person grow a gut instinct? Are they doomed to wander around lost, unable to really take direction and apply it without it looking fake? And then I wonder if I’ve created a monster by being honest, when I probably should have known that he couldn’t possibly take what I said the way it was intended and said “oh no, not at all. Don’t worry.”
ThenI wonder if I’m doing what I always couldn’t stand about dad. No matter what you did, it was wrong. If you were silent when he was yelling at you, you were just being stubborn. But if you said something back, you were being argumentative and lippy. If you helped out, but not precisely the way he wanted you to, you weren’t doing it right. But if you tried to stay out of the way, you were being lazy. If you played outside on a Saturday, you weren’t doing enough schoolwork. But if you did homework for too long, you weren’t getting enough fresh air! Arg! So here I go. I can’t count the number of times I’ve said, “I wish the people who are so inconsiderate would realize how they’re driving their friends away and stop to think of others for a second!” Now this person has, and I just want him to go back to being himself, because this new way of acting just seems forced, and fake, and…well…manipulative! I wonder what he’s up to! I can’t trust that this is genuine! So what do I really want?
Then I think, maybe he’s trying, in his own misguided way, to be a better friend, but he’s clueless about how to do it, so I shouldn’t be so hard on him.
Finally I wonder if I’m making this way too complicated and I should just follow my gut. So am I nuts? Is one worse than the other? Or maybe the key is to meet in the middle somewhere.
A Funky Christmas Quiz
I saw this on another blog, and then Jen emailed it to me, so I think something’s telling me I’m meant to fill it out. So off we go into the land of Christmas.
1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?
Oh, it’s gotta be hot chocolate, baby! Especially if it’s damn cold and you just froze your ass off in the snow.
2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?
Hmm. Whose Santa? When I was a kid, Santa wrapped presents. But now they’re usually in gift bags since Santa sucks heartily at wrapping gifts.
3. Coloured lights on tree/house or white?
I don’t care. I think mom’s tree has white lights. I don’t think she likes the coloured lights. I don’t have a tree, since well, where would you put a big tree in an apartment?
4. Do you hang mistletoe?
I would if I had any. I just never ended up getting it. Mom hung it once, and dad used to make a big joke about the mistletoe. That was fun.
5. When do you put up your decorations?
I suck. I don’t have a lot of decorations, for the same reason I don’t have a tree. No room to store them all year. I sometimes feel like a grinch because all we have is a Homer Simpson’s Santa Claus and an itty bitty Christmas tree.
6. What is your favourite Holiday (Christmas or Thanksgiving) meal include?
It’s gotta have turkey, and stuffing, and mashed potatos! Mmm. *drool drool*.
7. Favourite Holiday memory as a child?
Hmmm. I think it has to be the Lion’s Club parties that happened every year. My dad was a lion, and I was always so mystified by the Lions’ club Santa Claus. He was so smart! Every other Santa gave me activity books and little generic bags of candy, which were cool, well the activity books weren’t much fun, but it was the thought that counted, right? But this Santa always got me a toy that I always wanted! I would get so excited over dinner while they built the suspense for Santa’s arrival, talking about where he was flying over, how long it would be…and then singing “Here Comes Santa Claus” when he arrived. Oh how come it took me until 11 years of age to figure out that each kid’s parents bought the gift that Santa gave them? That’s why they were so good! Even when I knew Santa didn’t exist, I just figured there was a committee that decided who was getting what. But the whole night was so much fun, and then the cool gift to top it all off made it perfect.
8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
*bristle bristle* Why did you have to ask that question? Ug here we go, story time. I had a teacher who was assigned to me to teach me braille and help me understand complex visual concepts. She spent a lot of time with me, so I guess she felt like she was my second mom, and should take over some of those maternal duties. So one day, when I was around 8, I guess she got sick of hearing, “Santa this, santa that.” So she told me, “Look, Santa doesn’t exist.” Ker Smash! There it goes! Just like that! I stil wonder how long it would have taken me to figure it out, but I don’t think it would have been much longer. I mean, I was already accidentally identifying some of the Santa Claus’s at Christmas parties, I still remember saying to one of them. “Gee, Santa, you sounda lot like Kirk Anderson!” Oh that got a big ho! ho! ho! Because, surprise, he *was* Kirk Anderson. Woops! Mom was pissed, oh mom was pissed about that little bubble-bursting. Anyway, enough pissing and moaning.
9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
Well, because we zoom six hours down to Grandma’s for Christmas Day, we open all our gifts on Christmas Eve. But as little kids, we used to open one on Christmas Eve and then take the rest down to Grandma’s. I remember crying as we left on Christmas Eve saying, “Santa won’t find us! Santa won’t find us!” So mom had to stick a note to the tree to keep us happy.
10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree?
Um all that our itty bitty tree has on it is a paper star. *sheepishly looks down*
11. Snow! Love it or Dread it?
Ug snow sucks. I used to like it when all I had to do was play in it, but now it’s just a giant pain in the ass.
12. Can you ice skate?
Oh god no. I can iceskate if I’m pushing a chair. Otherwise, my ass and the ice have frequent meetings.
13. Do you remember your favourite gift as a child?
Hmmm I remember the gift I obsessed over the most. For some reason, I just *had* to have an ALF doll. I would cry when I saw them in stores because I wanted one now now now! Now I look back and go, what in hell was the big deal? It was a stuffed animal, and apparently an ugly one. But when I got it at Christmas, I ran off with it and they had to call me back to open the rest of the gifts!
14. What’s the most important thing about the Holidays for you?
Seeing everybody, especially now that my cousins have little ones. They grow so fast!
15. What is your favourite Holiday Dessert?
Mmmm…sandies. They’re this sugary cookie with chocolate drizzled over top! Mmm. *drool drool drool!*
16. What is your favourite holiday tradition?
Hmmm I think when I was a kid, putting on Christmas music while we decorated the tree was the coolest.
17. What tops your tree?
Remember that paper star?
18. What is your favourite Christmas Song /hymn?
That’s a tough one. Stupid as it sounds, Jingle Bells because it’s so simple, hahah.
And there we go. Quiz over. Hope you had fun.
People Amuse Me.
I thought this was funny, I don’t know if anyone else will even find this slightly amusing. I know Steve will, but that’s about it. Oh well.
The other day, I decided to go on an adventure. Guelph just put in a Walmart, and I thought it might have a few things I needed. So I took the bus to where people told me would be good to get off. I went to get off the bus, and the driver told meI had to cross a street that turned into a major highway! As I wondered what I was going to do, he asked a couple who were passing if they were going to Walmart. Luckily, they said yes. So we started walking, and we arrived at the corner of Woolwich and Woodlawn. So I asked them which street we were crossing. “Woodwich,” the lady said. Um, Woodwich? Somehow I don’t think so.
I don’t know why I found that so funny, but I did. I eventually figured out it was Woolwich we were crossing. Woodwich. Ok then.
Somebody Please Set Me Straight on This!
I’m feeling kind of dumb in the money sense department right now as I read this, so I hope someone who knows all about stocks and mutual funds can tell me that I’m not reading this correctly. From what I understand, it sounds like CNIB has sunk to a brand new low and is asking people if they’d like to hand over their investments to the CNIB so they can get some kind of tax break. And they’re not asking for part of it, it sounds like they’re asking for it all! But…but…but…isn’t the purpose of mutual funds and investments to save for retirement? Why would a charity ask for a big chunk of what is supposed to be someone’s retirement income? Are they really getting that desperate?
I hope I am thoroughly confused. I really hope I am. I hope someone reading this can explain this to me.
The TD bank machines talk…sort of!
Jen sent me a news story saying that the new TD green machines are supposed to talk! This made me have a sudden, unexplainable need to get out $20, so off I went to the bank with a headset in my pocket.
And I found that the machines do in fact have a headphone jack, which means the only reason for that jack is so you can plug in a headset and get speech! So I plugged in!
I still don’t know if it was just a glitch or not, but the machine I was using refused to talk until I selected a language. hey great designer of the audio guideance system. If I need the audio guidance system, no! visual! only! prompts! please! You try completing that first step blindfolded and see how far you get.
Then, when the voice came to life, it was a little too quiet, especially if you’re in a room full of beeping, booping, shrieking bank machines. I even had a set of headphones with volume control, and I couldn’t make it louder! Please please please make that voice a wee bit louder.
Most of the process was pretty cool though. The only other thing was, when I was entering the amount to withdraw, there was a decimal point that I had to enter. If I didn’t, I thought it might try to withdraw 20 cents and protest, or $2000! Since the second was not an option, I had to ask where the decimal point was because it didn’t tell me in the audio system whether or not one was needed.
So, to anyone who has TD. If you can shove headphones in your pocket and try the audio out, tell me whether your machine tells you to select a language before it will speak, or whether it will speak right away. I want to know if it was just a glitch or not. Thank youTD for making your machines talk. Now, just tweak those few things and I will be a very very happy camper.
Whatever the hell comes Out.
I just felt like writing a random post. It sucks, because I can’t remember one of the things I was going to write about as I sit here. Hopefully it’ll come to me.
So it’s less than two weeks until Christmas. So why in hell do I not feel in the Christmas spirit? The Christmas commercials are on, I’ve bought some Christmas presents, the Christmas music is in the stores and the offices. Why do I not feel like singing along? These past few years, I haven’t felt like I’m in the Christmas mood until it’s like Christmas Eve, and then it’s all over and there’s nothing to savour! I don’t even want to watch A Christmas Carol anymore because I’ve seen so many versions and I know how it ends, as much as that part is kind of fun to watch. What is wrong with me? I liked all that Christmas fun. Why can’t I find it now? But I know if there was no Christmas stuff, December would feel so empty.
*bell goes off in my head, or should I say, ding…dong…ding* Now I remember what I was going to talk about. At last, Canadian tire has found a commercial that doesn’t annoy the living hell out of me. No more fiow-plathe kids, no more gift-sniffing dogs. At least this one’s mercifully brief. Maybe this one’s annoying to sighties, but at least I’m not ready to kill any of the characters. Hell I didn’t even know it was for Canadian Tire at first.
I saw Last Laugh 06 on the Comedy Network, and one of the comedians brought up something that had already been swirling around in my head, but I couldn’t exactly put my finger on it until he did. Does anyone else, when they hear about KFC famous bowls, want to hurl?
Ok, they’ve decided to throw popcorn chicken, potatos and corn in a bowl and then, on top of that, slather some kind of gravy and cheese sauce! How did the comedian put it? “Can you pile it all in a bowl so I can eat it like some kind of death row prisoner on suicide watch?” What was his new name for it? The failure pile in a sad bowl? I think I agree!
For a while there, their bowl thing sounded like a nice stew. And then it started to go south. Starting with the, um, popcorn chicken! Why in hell would you put popcorn chicken in a stew? Why not some pieces of chicken that haven’t been KFC’d to death? Then the potatos and corn don’t sound too bad…until you throw a gravy and cheese sauce on top! At that point, the famous bowl starts to sound like dogfood! But apparently, these things are best selling items! Has anyone tried one? Do they actually taste good? Is it me, or should KFC just stick to what they already know? I guess they never will, since these failure piles in sad bowls are doing so well.
Well I think I’m done for now. Maybe I’ll have something else later.
For the Terminally Lazy
Wow. The USB gadgets just keep on comin’. Now we have a USB ashtray! It looks like a little car, but when you open it, a fan comes on to suck the smoke up into a filter so, in theory, others won’t smell it. If I ever saw one of these suckers in an office near me, I just might have to launch a USB missile attack in retaliation for their pollution of the air with their toxic gases. Dude, go outside! How hard is that?
Here’s One For The Hockey Fans
Somebody sent this to me years ago and I always thought it was funny, but for some reason I never got around to putting it up. If you’re not a hockey person there’s a chance that you might be about to get totally lost, and if you’re blind and using a screen reader, the best advice I can give you is to check the spelling on some of these if they don’t make sense right away, because JAWS has a helluva time with hockey player’s names sometimes.
So our day begins at the golf course where I have been battling in the Lindy Ruff all day. We call it quits and head into the club house for some Bob Beers and Some Kelly Buchburgers. After crushing many drinks we decided to hit the local night club to check out some Carl Dykhaus and some Joe Nieuwendykes. So I noticed that I was getting eyeballed by some Neil Shehe and she had a bit of a Doug Weight problem. I thought to myself “I can’t stoop this Patrick Marleau”. She wanted to take off, and I wasn’t sticking around for the ugly lights to come on, so I paid the Rick Tabaracci and we hopped in a Tomas Kaberle.
I took her back to my Phil Housley where things got a little hot and steamy. She geared down and not to my surprise her Keri Taco was a bit Joe Reekie and Jason Wooley. I decided she needed a Bill Barber, pulled out my Donald Brashears and shaved her hair diaper down to the Randy Wood. She then proceeded to trim my Harry Snepts and the bush around my Pekka Rautakeileo. I then reacted quickly and popped her Don Cherry but she was too Ken Dryden, so I flipped her over, grabbed my Haken Loob and threw it in her Curtis Brown with no Tie Domi. After a few pumps she started to complain that she was too Marty Mcsorley to go on. So I snapped and quickly showed her to the Daryl Sydor and told her that maybe I would call her Brendon Morrow. Needless to say, she was Grant Fuhrious. The next morning I had the worst Darren Puppa and I was Valeri Zelepukin all day.
Anyways 2 weeks later I noticed a Travis Green drip oozing from my Mike Babcock. So I booked an appointment with Dr. Randy Greg and got a Corey Schwab. But that isn’t the end of the story!
A month later I woke up and saw Garth Snow outside. The weather man said that there was going to be a 30% chance of a Theo Fleury. My car wouldn’t start so I had to borrow my roommate’s car. It’s not as Chris Osgood as mine and it takes a Robert Luongo time to start, but I was stuck. When I went in his room to get the keys, there was that same Rick Brodsky with my roommate!
She was sucking on his Mike Pecca while Esa Tikkinen his temperature with her finger. I said “buddy, don’t do it! That Butch Goring has the fans clapping! I think she picked it up in Paul Kariya!” But he wouldn’t listen to Marty Reasoner. Finally I just said “keep up the Manny Legace”, and ran out.
