Someone’s Not Happy. That Makes Me Happy

I received this via e-mail today from our good friend Chris who was kind enough to contribute in more ways than he intended to the Q & A that we did down the page a bit. Here’s what the poor guy had to say.

Hey you prick. All I did was write in and ask a few questions which you guys had encouraged relentlessly. I don’t need your shit. Bringing me up time after time in the rest of that post was retarded of you. You two truley are homos. I still think this site is stupid. Guys with nothing better to do than write a public diary seems real cool to me. I ain’t coming back to this stupid site and i don’t think anyone else should either.
Kiss My Ass

Well, it’s good to know he cared enough to come back and see if we answered him. Which we did. And he seemed very complimentary, don’t you think? I mean he did say we were pretty cool for doing this, right? Chris seems like a good guy with a little pent up agression. I want you to repeat the following before writing us again, Chris. (since I know you’re reading, your kinda always comes back)

“3, 2, 1,
1, 2, 3,
What the heck is bothering me?”

Repeat that a few times and you’ll feel much better, I think. I mean if it worked for Carl Windslow while trying to do with that bad-ass Steve Urkell then I’m sure it can work for you, man. Be strong. I’m in this with you. I also think you need to find a better way to sign your e-mails. That wings on “Kiss My Ass” won’t fly very far when you write a cover letter for a job someday.

Kids, I ask you to keep Chris in your thoughts. He seems to be having a rough time. I’ll now take a page form his book and sign off though.

Piss Off Chris

Behind Blue Eyes

I just heard Limp Bizkit’s cover of the old Who song Behind Blue Eyes for the first time. Ug, I hope it doesn’t catch on. I can’t think of any time that a cover of a song has ever made me hate the original but there’s a first time for everything and if I have to be subjected to that crap a few thousand more times, this could just be it. I never thought I’d be happy to hear a song by Creed but since this time it meant that Behind Blue Eyes was over, it made my goddamn day.

I’m not even sure where to begin with talking about how bad this song is. For one thing, there’s no emotion to it at all. When Roger Daltrey sings it, you feel something and you get the idea that the lyrics mean something to him and more than that, that the song is at least somewhat meaningful to the rest of the band backing him up. When Fred Durst sings it it sounds like a guy who’s out of ideas for angry songs of his own and decides to cash in on something from years back that most people who would buy his music have probably never even heard. He’s trying to prove that he can sing too which is a bad idea considering what song he picked. If you’re going to try to prove that you can expand your horizons as a musician a good rule of thumb is to write your own songs to make your point. And don’t even get me started on the lack of heaviness in the music or for that matter, the lack of anything resembling what that song was supposed to be all about musicly. Ok, what that song was always about to me musicly anyway.

If I were either surviving member of the Who, after hearing what Fred and the gang did to my song, I’d kill myself just so I could roll over in my grave in reaction to it.

Letterman, Leafs & The Most Evil Person On The Planet

For the last little while Letterman’s been airing some stuff in a segment called “Meet The Governor”. He’s got clips of Arnond smoking pot, groping women and just basically making an ass of himself in general. It’s some pretty funny stuff that Letterman has said “will become a regular segment until I get bored.”. Definitely check it out. Hell, Letterman’s funny anyway so I don’t know why you wouldn’t be watching. Eat me Leno.

The Leafs finally break out last night. 5 goals in a game is the new high-water mark for the Leafs this season. Unforunately they also allowed the below average forwards of the Coyotes to score 4 times. (and I am aware it was the back-up in goal). Up until last night I thought the defense played pretty well. Last night they were, by no means, terrible but they weren’t as good as they had been. Hopefully now that the offense has gotten a bit of a kick-start the defense can get going again and they can put a nice little streak together.

Steve has alligned himself with Satan, herself. The person kind enough to leave the nice little critique of my work is someone I know quite well. She’s heartless! Steve, I wish you luck with your new found best friend but be careful. She’s goddamn relentless when she finds out about that little eye thing. Oops. Did I let that slip out?

to this mystery writer I have only one thing to say to you… and you’re probably the only one who will get it.

“I see better at night!”

With that, I’m finished.
PS. Inside jokes are no good. No more after this. Sorry!

People Love Matt, What Can I Say

Just saw this on the comment boards, which any of you can feel free to use by the way. There’s a link at the end of every post that you can use to drop feedback like this person who is now my new best friend did. And if you’re not a fan of comment boards,
also works. Keep in mind that I had nothing to do with getting this posted anywhere other than here on the main page. Somebody, who clearly knows who the true talent is around here did this all on his or her own.

“Matt, I’ve read some of your postings. I applaud your attempts at inserting “BIG” words into your posts. However when used in the wrong context, and poorly
spelled, they sort of lose their magic. If you want to succeed, invest in an editor, and by that, I don’t mean Steve.”

What more can I say? Well for now, nothing.

Time To Open The Mailbag

Well, we’ve had some questions e-mailed to us that we figured we’d answer in bulk right here. for some reason you decided not to do it on the comments board, but hey, that’s fine. E-mails works.

Before we get started. We’ll make this a semi-regular thing. Once we reach a certain number of questions we can post your answers up here in kind of an “ask the idiots” kinda deal. Now, this is our first time so bare with us and we’ll get better as we go. We promise!

For now, though. Courage!

Q: Do either of you have any kind of qualifications for doing something like this? Or even a reason to because so far this all seems like pointless ramblings. By a diary you fucking homo’s.

A: Well, Chris. It’s a good question. neither of us has any internet background, any kind of certificate that says we have any rite to answer your questions with any kind of professional background, or any interest in what goes on in your petty meaningless life… But we like ours, and you’re here aren’t you? So you must kinda like ours too. Also, there is no need to resort to name calling. You are not the first person to question Steve and I’s sexuality, and you sure as hell won’t be the last. Let’s move on, Kids.

Q: I’ve seen you both post things talking about punk rock. Are either of you in to Ska?

A: See, Chris? No need to be rude. Just strait to the point. And Featherhead, nothing like some good ol’ Ska to put you to sleep at night. That seemed like a pretty boring question and so far boring answer, so let me throw a few bands at you all to check out, F-Head here probably already has these. Reel Big Fish, Mustard Plug, and Less Than Jake are all with your money. There ya go F-Head. Thanks for writing and being cooler than our friend Chris.


Q: This question is for Matt. How the helll old r u? Turltes, Mario, Grinch? Time 4 u 2 get a life, man.
Sweety Pye

A: Do you know Chris? You two should hook up. Anyway, i’m 20 and am maturity challenged. I just miss my childhood stuff. We can’t all have no hearts and no feelings like you. Besided, in all fairness, Mario is cool at ANY age. Lighten up, sista!

Things are starting to get a little heated here. Here’s one for Steve, maybe it will lighten the mood a bit.

Q:Yo, Steve. I love life is a hi-way. why u gotta go slammin’ on it. it’s a goddamn classic u peckerhead
Jake Da Snake

A: I have to respectfully disagree. You, on the other hand, are a goddamn classic peckerhead.

Oh dear, that didn’t go good at all? This one’s short. Let’s see what we have here.

Q: Will this site ever be good?

A: Fuck You!

Ok, well this has gotten pretty hostile, i must say so maybe this is a good spot to wrap it up for this week. Write me and Steve and we’ll answer whatever it is you might wanna know. Cua, I mean. We know pretty much everything, don’t we Chris? So feel free to send your inquiries over to me or Steve.

Y’all have a good day, now. Except you Chris. I hope your day sucks.

Changing History

I was just reading something over on scott keith’s blog that i’ve been noticing throughout the baseball playoffs that i’ve meant to comment on for a while as it’s really pissing me off.

Roger Clemens is set to retire from Major League Baseball at the end of this year’s playoffs. He made his final start last night but may be used in the bullpen should this series go 7 games. But that’s not my point.

Naturally, when you’re one of the greatest pitchers of all time, you’re retirement will be covered very heavily. Throughout the playoffs there has been little video packages and retrospectives thrown together to show career highlights.

I find it odd that most of these seem to portray that he went directly from the Boston Red Sox to the New York Yankess leaving a 3 year window of apparent nothingness. You know which years I’m talking about, don’t you? Yup. That would be those 3 years where he played in Toronto that apparently we’re all supposed to forget about.

And there’s that small matter of the two Cy Young Awards he won up here signifying him as the best pitcher in baseball that year. Where did those come from?

I digress

Ya Think?

Mother not happy with son’s plunge over Niagara Falls

Mercury Wire Services

CANTON, MICH. – The parents of a 40-year-old man who went over Niagara Falls with only the clothes on his back say they’re not happy with their son’s actions.

“We would rather he hadn’t done that,” Doris Jones, 77, said Tuesday.

Kirk Jones of Canton, Mich., is the first person known to have gone over Niagara Falls without safety devices and survived.

Jones was not seriously injured and was in hospital in Niagara Falls in stable condition. The Jones family has made a number of trips to Niagara Falls.
Surviving a drop from falls had intrigued Jones for years, his mother said.
Well it’s heartening to know that Mom’s not proud of the fact that her son is a fucking idiot. I was actually waiting to see a story where his family defended him as being the adventurous type. Wait, I think I remember his friends already doing that. Honestly I’m not sure what the bigger tragedy is here, the fact that his buddy didn’t think enough of the guy to try and stop him or the fact that he lived to tell his story. It might sound harsh but just hear me out.

I was talking to a friend of mine about this yesterday and we both agreed that it’s always the dumb ones that live. You’ve got a guy like this who just decides “hey, I’m gonna hurl myself over this waterfall and see what happens” and he lives while the guy who does these sorts of things for a living takes all the safety measures required and somehow still manages to screw up and die. Or all of those drunk driving accidents you hear about where the innocent victims of somebody’s stupidity suffer painful fiery deaths while the worthless piece of shit drunks responsible for these mishaps walk away with a cut on their hand and a torn shirt. I suppose you could argue that justice is being served because these people have to live with the consequences of their actions forever, but what about the people who are no longer able to live with anything anymore? Where’s their justice? And is it fair that the family of a perfectly innocent human being should have to live with the consequences of somebody else’s stupidity? At least I’ve finally figured out why stupidity is overrunning the earth, it’s because the morons are killing off all the smart people among us, slowly but surely.

And on that uplifting note I bid you all a fond farewell.

Until next time, I’m
and I’m trying to be smart enough to get by and dumb enough to survive.

Porno Karaoke

Just heard this on the news and got a kick out of it so I thought I’d pass it on to all of you.

In Germany right now the latest new trend is something that from German to English pretty much translates in to Porno Karaoke.

The idea is very simple. Its done at karaoke bars there and a male and a female pair will go up on stage and take a microphone. A porno DVD is then slid in to the player. The script of the two “actors” carrying out these wonderful films then comes up on the screen for the two (most likely wasted) volunteers to recite. Everything from words, to sounds, to grunts come across the screen for the two to try and replicate.

At the end of the night, the people in the bar vote on who had the most convincing performance. However its probably more accurate to say that the real winners are the friends of those who got drunk enough to do it, as they had the most entertainment and something to black-male their friends with down the road, should the need arise.

Grunt away, everyone.

I Miss The Ninja Turtles… So Here They Are

Well it’s been a slow day for posting so here’s something to keep you all of my back! I kinda like all this old stuff. So here’s a neat little commentary on the most famous episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ever done (arguably). And this is back when the Turtles were cool. The classics that we all loved. Not the new lame Turtles that I’m ashamed to see. They’ve wrecked it, but i digress. Enjoy all.

Many would assume that the original appeal of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles stemmed only from the heroes themselves, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. At heart, those toitles became pretty boring once you got used to their pizza eating and karate styling. For the toon to have lasted as long as it did, they certainly needed to beef things up. No, I’m not talking about that damn rat or leggy, yellow-clad news reporters. With TMNT, at least for me, it was all about the villains.

Shredder might’ve been the top card, and his mutant minions might’ve supplied most of the show’s comic relief, but the real soul of the Technodrome was a bubbly pink alien brain named Krang. In terms of animated characters, they didn’t come any more unique or creative as this guy — the former warlord of another dimension, banished from his home and even his body, Krang added a delightful sci-fi edge to the show. Whether by cackling at his own jokes or creating lasers capable of blowing up the planet, Krang helped his surrounding characters lead much more interesting lives, however fictitious those lives may have been. Personally, I like think the whole show was based on some obscure true story. This is mainly because I don’t like living in a world that doesn’t really have its own Krang. He was a damn popular character, so I can’t be alone.

Today, we’re going to look at one of the more famous episodes in TMNT history, back before it degenerated completely into show after show of puns and general goofiness. Believe it or not, the first season was actually very well written, all things considered. There’s an amazing continuity to it — the characters referenced tiny things that happened five episodes prior, and for a cartoon that was more or less just a vehicle to sell ten trillion action figures, the writers were putting some serious effort into it. While the hardcore fans always complained about the changes made in the transition from the much darker comic series, I was just one of the elemementary schoolers who couldn’t get enough of these afternoon adventures. This episode, titled ‘The Shredder Is Splintered,’ goes a long way in proving just how in-depth those first few seasons were. More importantly, it’s where that cool, disembodied brain finally found a body to call his own.

Oh, I’ll only be focusing on the Krang-centric bits of the story, basically because I’m in a very Krang-centric mood today. It happens a little more often than I care to admit. So, at this point, Shredder’s been defeated by the Turtles a few times. His new mutant goons haven’t been able to put a dent in their victory record, either. Even with the aid of Krang’s varied alien doodads, Shredder’s getting nowhere. He can’t conquer Earth until he murders our heroes, and after weeks and weeks of Krang’s incessant begging, Shred’s finally agreed to supply him with a new body. I remember being thoroughly worried that this would put an end to the great ‘pink brain’ look, but the end results put my fears to rest. More on that in a few minutes.

Anyway, look at that picture above — that’s one of your star characters, folks. How anyone could deny that a show featuring a talking brain that leaves puddles of bodily fluids wherever it sits isn’t fantastic is beyond me. Krang implores Shredder to add a microchip to his new body that’ll grant him enough superpowers to finally take down the Turtles. In previous episodes, Shredder was more than a little concerned with Krang rebelling upon receipt of a new pair of legs, but since the situation’s gotten so desperate, he’s got no choice.

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For those new to the lore, yes, that’s Shredder. With a helmet I’ve tried countless times to recreate out of cardboard and tin foil, Shredder waltzes over to the sheet-covered Krang Body and fits the chip inside. It’s not as arduous a process as you might think — he kinda just lodges it into the android body’s shoulderblade. I’m not sure where Shredder – formerly a ninja who devoted his entire life to hand-to-hand combat studies – picked up all of this technical know-how, but for the sake of Krang getting some working hands again, I’ll forgive the oversight.

By the way, these older episodes are nowhere near as goofy and comical as the zillions that came later — obviously, they were still meant for kids, but there was enough maturity to at least pull it to a middle school level. Sadly, there wasn’t enough maturity to pull it to the level where I’m not slightly embarrassed spending so much time writing about it in my mid 20s, but sticks and stones and all that shit. Point is, it was such a different show back then than even I remembered typically watching — still fun and lighthearted, but if TMNT was live action with the same exact scripts, I guarantee you older guys and gals would’ve been just as into it. Duh. Live action talking pink brain. Who wouldn’t be into that?

In the moment of truth, Shredder picks up the slimy thing and places Krang in the gastric section of his new threads. While Krang fits himself into place, Shred flicks one of the Technodrome’s 40,000 oversized switches, causing an indoor lightning storm that’s apparently meant to result in the brain becoming one with the android. “It’s alive…IT’S ALIVE” sounds so much better coming from a voice artist desperately trying to fake a tinge of Japanese heritage, and finally, Krang wakens in his new form and prepares to take over the world. Or beat up Turtles. Or both. Something villainous.

Solidifying TMNT as one of the greatest shows to ever air, take a look at Krang’s new body. A big fat bald guy in red panties, wearing sunglasses, with a friggin’ talking brain in its stomach. Find me another character anywhere that even approaches that kind of offbeat appeal. He’s a walking trainwreck – you can’t help but look, over and over again, and you’ve got no recourse against being totally infatuated. The new body is more like a car for Krang — it’s got no mind of its own, with our brainy friend merely using a head-side control system to maneuver it around the Technodrome. Outside of bugs that intentionally land on bug-frying light bulbs, it’s the most ridiculous and beautiful thing I think I’ve ever seen.

Krang’s body is loaded with extras gizmos and weapons, too. His hand, for example, can switch off to a pair of violently silver shears. They seemed to neglect this aspect of his powers in later episodes, or maybe Krang just forgot that he could do that. Gloriously, the body’s head mimics Krang’s emotions perfectly — when Krang screams, the android’s mouth drop opens and starts fumbling into shiver territory. Shredder really pulled out all the stops with this thing. Though, I do tend to wonder if Krang’s original blueprint called for his new body to look like a big fat naked guy. I know alien tastes can differ, but could that be chic on any planet?

It gets better, and by better I mean, ‘more inane.’ See, Krang’s installed this giant television screen in the Technodrome that doubles as a portal to his homeworld of Dimension X. In said dimension, a legion of creatures made of rock await their old lord’s orders. So, not only is Krang a big pink brain with eyes — he’s a big pink brain with eyes who commands a troop of rock monsters in military helmets. Just when you thought you’d pegged him down, Krang blasts back with more insanity. Dimension X, by the way, is more like a big red room than an actual dimension — everyone kinda just floats around aimlessly, covered in darkroom lights with nothing to do but wait for Krang’s phone calls. But you know, if I thought Krang might be calling, I’d wait by the phone too.

Leading this group of granite warriors is ‘General Traag’ — basically the same as all the others, but at least he had a name. He’s also the only rock creature to have his own action figure, which was appropriately blunt and heavy enough to break through a plate glass window. I speak from experience, unless I’m just lying. Either way, I threw it at my dog once, who responded by literally barking out ‘roo raffe ree rah ronrussion!’ It died soon after, I got a hamster the following week. Yeah, um, Traag and friends are waiting in Dimension X for Krang to send the order — once he does, they’ll come over to Earth and kill all of us. At least I’m pretty sure that’s what was said — hard to tell with that engaging moving crimson air all over the television set.

Almost forgot that this show was about Ninja Turtles — there they are, ready to take down Krang. Unfortunately, Krang’s new superchip allows him to alter his molecular structure. This means he can grow himself to heights previously reserved for volcanoes and basketball players. Krang’s newly found size capabilities mean serious trouble for our green heroes, who were just about to enter the Technodrome for the, hah, ‘final battle.’ The toon had many final battles — by my math, eight per episode. This would be their 3rd or 4th final battle, and while it ain’t the first or the last, it’s the only one where Krang is shown being 400 feet tall. That makes it special. Told you Krang kicked ass.

See? See what I mean? Where else are ya gonna find four mutant turtles who know karate getting chased by a Godzilla-sized bald, naked robot with a big pink talking brain in its stomach? Nowhere, positively nowhere. At least give TMNT credit for cornering some new markets.

Donatello magically deduces that Krang’s size must be the result of an alien microchip hidden somewhere in his robot torso, so following suit with this particular episode’s trend of being completely surreal, the Turtles unstitch Krang’s shoulder and go inside his body. Fantastic. After searching through the various giant bolts and levers, they finally locate the unholy microchip. Once Donatello whacks it to pieces with his trusty broomstick, the Turtles make a narrow escape as Krang quickly reverts back to his almost kind of normal size. My fantasies lent an entirely different ending to this scene, but I doubt they could show it on television.

Still, the battle isn’t quite over yet. There’s still the small matter of those fifty-thousand rock soldiers from Dimension X waiting to assault Earth. Just as they arrive, the Turtles manage to hit one of the Technodrome’s pitifully self-defeatist buttons, this specific one causing the portal to suck things in instead of the other way around. Within moments, all the stupid rock guys find themselves back in their shitty, boring red homeworld. That’s not all, though — the portal goes absolutely batshit, sucking in way more than General Traag’s army…

Admittedly, it’s a pretty piss poor showing for Krang’s first appearance in his new body. You’d think they would’ve given the guy a small taste of victory, if only to convince all the kids watching that the villains actually had a chance of winning once in a while. Instead, all poor Krang gets is a few minutes to look menacing before being totally trashed. In this case, everything in the Technodrome gets pulled into the portal, and finally, so does the entire structure itself. The Turtles manage to flee, because in the context of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, turtles are extremely, extremely fast.

This leads to a little development that lasted for quite a stretch of episodes. That’s the great thing about the first few seasons of the show — there were actual storylines that weren’t forgotten the next time you watched it. In an effort to switch things up and alternate some new characters into the mix, they threw the ol’ Technodrome right into Dimension X…

See, told you. Would I lie?

Krang’s happy with their new location, while Shredder insists that they go back to Earth. But that’s the funny thing about Dimension X — Krang’s pretty much God there. He calls the shots, and calls them with the kind of style only a disgusting, disembodied brain could. After explaining to Shredder that he’s the new boss, Krang revels in the opportunity to do, I dunno, whatever it is people do in Dimension X. I guess they mostly just float around and develop film.

By the next episode, Shredder’s pestilent begging finally paid off. Krang ships him back to Earth, though without his goons and usual equipment. The next few shows revolved around Shredder attempting to take down the Green Menace with only his wits, and some help from a grungy professor who keeps calling him ‘master.’ To give you an idea of the entertainment provided by TMNT, the grungy professor is ultimately mutated into a human fly who raids warehouses for piles of sugar. Christ, I forgot how much I loved this show.

Oh, there’s one more notable thingy about The Shredder Is Splintered…

We get to see Shredder without his trademark faceplate. I guess you really have to be into this shit to be excited about that, but hey, I’m really into this shit.

Overall: I’ve only reviewed a few eps of TMNT on the site over the years, but this is easily one of my faves from the entire series — and that’s a pretty lengthy series we’re talking about. As the seasons progressed, the show went backwards, apparently deciding that its true calling was to entertain three-year-olds and three-year-olds only. My point? There’s a new Ninja Turtles cartoon on now, and a lot of people seem to take issue with its lack of aliens and all the other crap that made the original famous. Don’t be so hard on it, though — in today’s culture, animated programs really aren’t just meant for kids anymore. The writers, producers and animators all realized the market of idiot adults, myself included, willing to sit through twenty-minute toy commercials as often as possible. TMNT’s new show might be missing some of the vintage hallmarks, but at least they aren’t limiting the heroes to toilet jokes and background cymbal crash sound effects, Be thankful for that, and going back a bit further – be thankful for Krang.

Life Is A Highway

I’m not sure why I hate that song so much, but I do. It’s not even like I can’t stand Tom Cochrane or anything either. He’s done a lot of stuff that I really like, just that song gets on my fucking nerves for some reason that I can’t really put my finger on. It’s not because they overplayed it and believe me, they did. Not sure about in other countries but here it was one of those songs that got radio play on the level of just about every shitty pop song today on corporate radio stations and this was back in an era where things weren’t nearly as bad as they are now.

It’s not because I’m just trying to be cool by hating things that everybody else seems to like, I’m above that. I’m all about hating things because they deserve to be hated, things like Life Is A Highway for instance. But I’m starting to think that somebody out there hates me. I just changed the station to get away from this song about 5 minutes ago and after the big commercial break, what do you think comes on? Yeah, it’s that.

I don’t even hate it because it’s a repetitive annoying song, which it is. Maybe it’s just too happy or something. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about happy party songs but there’s a direct link between happy songs and their annoyance level that somebody really needs to study to help out future generations of musicians.

I can’t even say that it’s a case of just getting sick of a song that never used to bother me. Even when this song first came out, I hated it. It bugged the shit out of me for the same unexplainable reasons. I guess the more things change, the more Life Is A Highway still sucks.

So the bottom line is that I’ve written all this, wasted everybody’s time including my own and I’m still struggling to figure out why I can’t stand this damn song. At least now more people know how I feel which I suppose is really the point when I stop and think about it. And hey, if you’re another Highway Hater at least now you know that you’re not alone. I’m with you, brothers and sisters! We’ll never be able to unite and vanquish this song from the universe but it can still be heartening to know that there are more of us out there, even in a mad mad world where people like crap. Remember, no matter what they try to force on us, we’ll never be washed away, we’ll refuse to sink like a sunset and I’m not sure about the rest of you, but for that, I have no regrets.