Oh Man! I Hope You’re Bored

Hey all, in continuing with the halloween trend we started with the Grinch, I’ve got some more good stuff for ya. If you remember the Super Mario Brothers Super Show from the very early 90’s, you’ll get a kick out of this. It’s stupid, it’s lame, but it’s your childhood.

By the way, most of these are coming from good ol’ www.x-entertainment.com. You should go check it out. I’ll be bringin’ the best stuff over here, so don’t worry if you too scared to leave this nice comfortable site and go out onto the big scarey internet. We got ya covered.

There Steve, you lousy pile of unpleasantness. I linked. GET OFF MY BACK!!!!

Enough from me… Bring on Mario!!!

Looking back on “The Super Mario Bros. Super Show,” it’s arguably the most idiotic program I’ve ever been devoted to. Of course, it didn’t seem that way then, and yet, the now apparent idiocy running insanely rampant on the series only adds to its charm. Where else were you going to find a pro-wrestling manager dressed up like Nintendo’s most popular hero? Where else were you going to see a live-action Mario and Luigi rap, dance, and parlay all from the sanctity of the lower level Mexican pawn shop they lived in? Looking back at it now, the show plays out more like some strange performing art I’m this close to understanding, but not quite there yet. The cartoon portions of the show were fun, but nothing out of the ordinary. Lou Albano and Danny Wells’ portrayal of Mario and Luigi was something else entirely, and try as I might, there’s no good way to describe it. You just had to be there.

A reader was nice enough to send me a video full of old episodes taped off television, and I was elated to see that there were a couple of shows that fit in perfectly with the Halloween season. Okay, not perfectly, but if you stretched and yanked, lied, cheated, and twisted a few of the facts, YES — these are the “Halloween episodes” of “The Super Mario Bros. Super Show.” For those who don’t remember, most of the live action skits involved a house guest dropping in on the plumbers. From what I remember, these guests ran the gamut from Albano’s pro-wrestling buddies to Elvis lookalikes to Danica McKellar from “The Wonder Years” — you just never knew who was going to show up.

Today, we take a look at two of the spookier episodes. Two new guests, two new sets of horrors, two plumbers, and a screencap quality so shitty I feel obligated to apologize in advance for it. Sorry! I’ve cut out the cartoon portions of the show from these mini-reviews, in part because they’re not Halloweeny, but mostly because I loved the color scheme of post-fireflower Mario’s outfit way too much to make fun of it. I’ve also chucked in five mini-reviews of the ads that aired during SMBSS’s commercial breaks, as they’ll tell the tale of the time period a lot better than me just saying “stuff’s from the early 90s!” Okay, longwinded intro done — let’s get started. Our first spooky guest will be familiar to anyone who’s seen Amy Monkey chase away the gray gorillas or a bunch of naked prison inmates on HBO. And oh yeah, he’s a Ghostbuster, too…

Article continued below advertisement:

Visit our sponsors to support the site!

That’s right — Ernie Hudson. I’m guessing his appearance was meant to promote “Ghostbusters II,” not that it took a lot of detective work since he’s wearing the damn outfit and carrying around makeshift GB equipment that seems to have been crafted out of various brooms and saucepans found on the set. To his credit, Hudson doesn’t put on the “I’m too good for this” face we so often see when celebs get stuck with a project like this. It looked like he had fun, and best of all, I’ve never seen Lou Albano so nervous as he was in the presence of today’s special guest. Seriously — this is a guy who used to manage wild Samoans who ate live chickens during wrestling shows, but for whatever reason, Ernie Hudson sends him into a fit of fidgeting silence where he’s quite clearly afraid to make a move. You could argue that this was Albano’s idea of “acting” — after all, there’s supposed to be a ghost hiding in their house during this episode. Look closer and you’ll find the truth. Lou Albano is scared to death of Ernie Hudson.

I’d say that he was subversively trying out for Tim Curry’s role in “Congo,” but really, the screenplay hadn’t even been adapted yet. Look Lou, I tried to make an excuse for you, but there really isn’t one. You have an unnatural fear — a phobia — of Ernie Hudson. The bright side? Someone will probably have to conjure up a name for the disease now that it exists. Winstophobia? Ernsonobia? Cynophobia? Wait, that last one means “fear of rabies.” Did Ernie Hudson have rabies?

Anyway, the episode is titled “Slime Busters,” and yes, Mario’s abode is currently haunted by what you can almost see in the almost completely distorted picture above — a puddle of green muck, topped off with smaller trails of brown muck. Muck seems so much more devastating when it’s two-tone. The puddle, for its part, sporadically chucks pieces of itself at the plumbers’ walls, so the dilemma seems more rooted in cleanliness than in actual ghostliness. Ernie Hudson knocks on the door, and upon entering, Mario hits one of the lines that truly illustrates why this show rocked: “Hey, it’s Ernie Hudson!” Okay, now picture it from Lou Albano trying his damnedest to sound like an Italian plumber. With red overalls on. While a pile of muck is throwing slime at his ass. The scope of showbiz lays an ill-defined meaning on the word “entertainment,” but watching Lou Albano fend off slimeballs while trying to greet Ernie Hudson simultaneously? That’s entertainment.

Ernie uses some of his ghostbustin’ equipment to locate the source of the haunting, and boy, you’d think Columbia would’ve at least let him use some of the actual movie props. Remember that thing Egon used to check the levels of ghastly spirits in a particular area? That little handheld device? Well, Ernie’s got one, only now it’s a modified ping pong paddle, painted black with pieces of raw potato tacked on. Could just be the fuzzy picture, though I’m like 85% sure it was pong and potatoes. Our hero du jour bravely enters one of the many smoke-filled caves littering the plumbers basement, but instead of finding the ghost, he finds…Luigi.

I’ve always had trouble deciding if the Luigi on this show sucked, or if he was just poorly scripted. The laugh-track on SMBSH is at least on par with “Full House” — virtually everything inspires scores of electronic laughter, from Mario scratching his arm to Mario talking about his mother’s spaghetti sauce. The only thing that doesn’t get the requisite laugh-track? Luigi. The poor guy will stand there throwing everything he can at the audience, and nobody will hit that damn button for him. At home, this led us to believe that Luigi was just terminally unfunny; a second fiddle so fiddling secondary that it’d be downright criminal to find any amusement in his antics. Of course, there’s still the other option to consider. Maybe Luigi just sucked.

Though, this time, Luigi’s exploits go well past mere suckage. He’s been possessed by the spirit of the green muck! Waltzing out of the smoky tunnel doing the worst impression of a zombie in history, Luigi sits himself at the table and begins pounding his slime-covered fist down with all the might of a cat being photographed for those feline leukemia collection cans. They even shine green light beams on him to emphasize the point. The scene drags on forever and ever, dispersed between Mario’s animated adventures and a Zelda cartoon, but when push comes to shove and it’s finally time to end the insanity, Ernie knows just what to do. Zap Luigi with a barrage of crude laser effects!

And, it works! Luigi is successfully separated from the ghastly slime, which is now forever trapped in…a trash can lid? God bless the Super Mario Super Show. The ghost even breaks character by speaking, surrendering to Ernie in trade for “being taken away from these two Goombas!” That line, by the way, was followed up by a laugh-track so intense that you’d swear Gallagher just smashed the world’s biggest watermelon while Carrot Top exploded into thirteen smaller Carrot Tops at the same time. Even the ghost trash can lid gets a laugh. Poor, poor Luigi.

The plumbers thank Not-Winston for his help, ending the episode on a high note. Doesn’t this just scream “Halloween?” Okay, maybe not, but the next episode does. Set to a score of ominous chamber music and off-camera howls, our next adventure puts Mario and Luigi in the unenviable position of playing humble hosts to the Prince of Darkness himself. Yes, Dracula was on the Super Mario Super Show. For what it’s worth, so was Sergeant Slaughter. It’s not that odd.

His name? “Count Zoltan Dracula.” His game? CHECKERS. Actually, it’s a pretty good representation of the classic Dracula, with everything from the Widow’s Peak to the Converse sneakers faithfully covered. Drac’s played by a guy named Jim Ward, who hasn’t had many live action roles, but boasts a lengthy resume nonetheless with years worth of voicework for cartoons and video games. I just hope he didn’t see this little role as his doorway to something bigger, because even ten years later, he still wasn’t doing much more than voicing “The Announcer” for episodes of “Hey Arnold!” But hey — the guy’s made a living throwing silly voices into a microphone, and that’s way more impressive than what most of us got going. The episode is titled “Bats in the Basement,” but 2-to-1, you probably could’ve guessed that anyway.

The tape became even more fuzzy than usual during the opening sequence, but from what I could tell, Mario and Luigi were supposed to fix up a coffin. The roll it into place, but not before rolling it around in circles for a few minutes in a scene that wasn’t even passingly explained or justified, and only seems to be there as a way to confuse and possibly hypnotize children into obsessively buying anything with Mario, Luigi, or Dracula’s likeness on it. You might think I’m reaching, but this is coming from someone with two boxes of leftover Super Mario Ice Cream stock and at least fifty Bela Lugosi lobby cards — oddly, both items work together nicely; the ice cream as lunch, the glossy pictures as napkins. I’m not insane, I’m just tormented by the spinning oh so endlessly spinning Dracula coffin. Thanks, Mario. I’d thank Luigi too, but, you know, he sucks.

Of course, neither plumber is privy to the fact that this here coffin is populated, and actually, I’m not sure they even realize it’s a coffin. It’s a comedy show meant for six-year-olds, true, but why did they have to paint Mario and Luigi as such morons? They didn’t do that in the animated portions, so what gives? Is Mario just inherently funnier when stupid, or was it just too hard to script the character in a live action motif as anything but that? They should be handing Albano shells to throw around and bricks to smack his head into, not spinning coffins and Ernie Hudson. Then again, fans probably wouldn’t remember the show so well if the plumbers weren’t so dumb. What’s more memorable — a fat Mario pratfalling into puddles of slime, or a fat Mario solving the NY Times’ crossword? Shit, I think I just made an argument against my point. “What’s seven letters for flightless running bird?” would leave an impression, at least coming from Cap’n Fucking Lou Albano.

Within moments, Dracula reveals himself and tells the plumbers to wake him at night. It takes Mario two full animated segments to realize that the guy’s a vampire. (there’s even a scene with Luigi inspecting his blood-smeared clothes, deciding that he has a poor dry cleaner) Apparently, the episode is meant to take place over the span of a few weeks, with Dracula acting as the houseguest from Hell. His stuff is all over the basement, he’s in and out during all hours of the night, and though it’s more implied than outright said, he smells like shit. Our pals try to figure out how to get rid of him, but they keep getting interrupted by more cartoons and commercial breaks. Albano shaved his trademark beard for this? Danny Wells sacrificed his entire post-Luigi career for that? Jim Ward…eh, actually, he made out okay on the deal.

In the final moments, the boys consult a book on how to rid themselves of vampire guests, but it’s peppered with pasta recipes. Mario: “Drive a stake through his heart? That’s 4.99 a pound!” Cue laugh-track. Dracula returns from his nightly prowl, and is more than a little disappointed in how his “friends” are handling things. Drac explains that the best way to get rid of a vampire is to just ask. With that, he vanishes into the darkness, though not before a short clip showing him dancing with the plumbers. I believe the episode was meant more to capitalize on “Bram Stoker’s Dracula” than the Halloween season, explaining why there were so many Christmas commercials during the breaks.

There were a few other “spooky themed” episodes of the show, though I don’t have ’em on video. Sorry x2. Mario’s still picking up new fans as we speak, and if you’re one of them, I strongly recommend tracking down this junk. It’s absolutely surreal to see, and I can only imagine how unbelievable it’d seem to someone who wasn’t watching during the show’s heyday. The videos have obviously been discontinued by this point, but they’re not tough to find. You might even get lucky and find a few eps up for download on the web — it’s worth the hunt, trust me. “Captain N, The Game Master” seems to be the most championed of the ol’ NES toons, but this one will stick to your brains with eight times the voracity. Eight times! Mostly fun and always harmless, I looked forward to nothing more during my grade school days that coming home and settling in for a 4:30 PM visit with my favorite video game characters brought to life. Pretty stupid on the whole, but that’s half the appeal. The other half stems from watching Luigi cringe when nobody laughs at him. Actually, the appeal is more 60/40 in favor of that. Poor sucky Luigi.

Safe! What The Hell Is Safe?

The big news in the GTA right now is another child obduction. 9 yr old Cecilia Zhang was taken right out of her room at home sometimbe before 8am Monday morning. Cecilia is 9 years old, of Asian descent, 4 feet 11 inches tall, and weighs 70 pounds. Cecilia speaks English well and has shoulder length strait black hair with blonde highlights. She was last seen at her home in North York around the 404 and Finch area. I’m by no means a news reporter so check out 680 News’s site for the full details by clicking here.

But that’s not what I wanted to write about. This poor young girl was lifted strait from her very own BEDROOM! This entire thing screams Holly Jones all over again except with the Holly Jones case, it was that she had been lifted off the street. Something that people are still sick about, but can at least understand and protect against. How do you protect your kids in their very own bedroom?

What would you like to do, seel their windows, now? Well that’s great for keeping people out, it’s also great for keeping them in when their door is blocked by a house fire.

I’m not sure how long they’ve been out but they’re becoming more and more common lately. They’re tags that you can put on the window of your childs bedroom to tell firemen and rescue workers where young children are when they show up to the house so they can be helped first. Guess what else it does? “Hey Mr Perverse Child Obductor… this is where my kids are. Come on in!”

I won’t criticize any parent for having something like this in place as its their heart is truly in the right place. We shouldn’t have to worry about something like this helping a sex-offender, but we do.

Reports say that the Zhang family had these in place and it very well could have contributed to what has happened.

Do I have answer? No. I don’t have an answer for society’s biggest problem, the perverse sons of bitchs with child interest.

I just thought it was a sad, statement on the world we live in where something designed to do so much good has potential to do so much evil.

Take Care Of Yourselves, And Each Other.

Y’all Cut It Out

Oh, now come on. I guess we all knew this would happen. Idiocy on the comment board already. I guess this is what happens when you trust people to be sane! lol. The boards stay up but please use them like a normal human being. I’m speaking to a few select people here. They are strictly for commenting on what has been posted here, or asking a few questions or chiming in with something you’d like to see posted or you’d like to know. NOT FOR PERSONAL GAIN and… I’m not even sure what to call that last display of ramblings. Rest assured it won’t be tollerated here. It is quite simple to block individual users and its even simpler to pull down the comment board all together.

Have A Lovely Day!
Sincerely, THE POWERS THAT BE!!!

These Are A Few Of My Favourite Things

Well, the Leafs are losing in the second period and that doesn’t look like it’s going to be changing any time soon, RAW hasn’t started yet and supper isn’t quite ready so it’s time to ramble on for a bit. I thought that since music is a fairly frequent topic around here that I’d take a minute and tell you about the last few CD’s that I’ve picked up.

Fountains Of Wayne, “Welcome Interstate Managers.”
I haven’t had a chance to give this one the full attention it deserves yet but what I’ve heard so far I’m very impressed with which doesn’t really surprise me since they are who they are. There’s just something about those guys, the way they write songs, the way they structure their music, the way they say things that just makes you have to like them. Besides, this album has Stacy’s Mom on it and that song is just cool as all hell.

*Jesus H Christ, the Islanders just got themselves another goal.*

Motion City Soundtrack, “I Am The Movie.”
If you own a copy of Punk-O-Rama 8 you’ll know who these guys are and just in case you can’t place the name, they’re the ones who do the song “Don’t Call It A Comeback” which I believe is on CD 1. I first got hooked on these guys when the radio station I do my show for got an advanced copy of this album and I just happened to find it one day. Thanks Epitaph! I’ve heard this album described by somebody as “catchy as hell” and I’d say that’s a pretty accurate assessment. A couple of the standout tracks on the CD are “don’t Call It A Comeback” which I mentioned before and my personal favourite, “Capital H.” That song just makes you wanna get up and move around and you’ll be singing that chorus for days and days.

Weird Al, “Poodle Hat.”
What can I say, it’s Weird Al! It’s also a really solid album both musicly and comedicly if the Al style of parody is your thing. If it’s not, it should be. Even the tracks on this album that I’m not particularly fond of I can think of something nice to say about. In most cases it would be “wow, he put a lot of work into his arangements and harmonies here and the band is fantastic.” One example of this is “Genius In France” which goes on way too long and makes the same point far too many times. It’s one of those situations where you realize that the song should have ended about 3 minutes earlier but the way the music is laid out makes you not really mind that so much. On the other end of the spectrum we have songs like “A Complicated Song,” which is an absolutely hilarious spoof on “complicated” by Avril somethingorother, and “EBay,” a takeoff on “I Want It That Way” by the Backstreet Boys. When somebody can make A BSB’s song enjoyable, you know he’s good. By the way Matt, I want my CD back. And I mean my Al CD, before any of you get any crazy ideas in your heads.

Frenzal Rhomb, “Sans Souci.”
Ok, so I don’t actually have this one yet, but it’s just a walk to the store away from being mine. I listened to this one before I bought it through a friend who has it and really enjoyed it. that and the fact that I just plain like Frenzal Rhomb was enough to get me to buy it. It’s put out by Fat Wreck Chords, one of the best punk labels going. Just
check out the site and the names they have signed
and you’ll know why I say that. It’s hard to pick one track from this disc that I’d call a standout and if you listen to it you’ll know why. And if you don’t listen to it, the reason is simply because it’s Frenzal Rhomb and the whole thing is just good in it’s own way. You’ve just gotta love Australian punk people who don’t hold anything back lyricly.

Dave Brubeck, “One Alone, Solo Piano.”
Surprised ya with that one, didn’t I? I’m kind of all over the musical map and when it comes to jazz Dave is one of my favourites. This album is just what it claims to be. It’s a guy playing a piano, and doing it very well if I do say so myself. It’s amazing background music other than the fact that listening to him play has a tendency to grab your attention away from whatever it is you’re supposed to be doing. I’m thinking it would make some fine mood music too although I haven’t tested this theory out yet.

I’ll end with some CD’s I’ve had my eye on but haven’t gotten around to picking up yet.
Finger Eleven, “Finger Eleven.”
Sam Roberts, “We Were Born In A Flame.”
The White Stripes, pretty much anything they’ve done since I don’t have any of it yet.
Audioslave, “Audioslave.”
Nofx, “War On Errorism.”
Bad Religeon, loads of it since I’ve shamefully only got 1 of their albums.
Gordon Lightfoot, “Complete Greatest Hits.”
Make fun of me if you wish,
but it won’t change the fact that Lightfoot has done some great stuff and music wouldn’t be the same without him.

Ok, RAW is starting, I’m getting hungry and this post is getting long so that about covers it for now. Feel free to
let me know about your favourites.
But no electronica or boy bands, please. If you don’t want to go down the email route you can always just click the comments link at the end of this article and leave it there, I’ll check the board out for your feedback, I promise!

Until next time, keep on rockin in the world that’s as free as big government and large corporations will allow it to be.

Steve

Steve’s A Retard

It has been kindly brought to my attention that I’ve fucked up a few email links. So much for being Mr. Big Important Link Making Guy. I know exactly what I did wrong, just not sure why I did it. Let’s try this again. If you want to send me email you
can do so here.
You can reach Matt
by clicking here if you so desire.

Yes, I’m an idiot and no, it’s not a permanent thing. Besides, if you did click on that and the email you sent me didn’t go through, just take the quotes out of the address and send it again and all should be well.

Steve
See, I really do know how to do this stuff!

Things And Stuff

Hey guys. Just a few things.

First of all, the comments are working, which is cool, but I’ve got a problem. Every time you post something, it flaunts your IP address right on the site instead of just simply logging it. That, is what we here in the business of whatever this is referred to as not cool. We’re using Squalkbox to power these things so if anybody knows about a way to make people’s IP info vanish into thin air or go somewhere where the average people without admin power here can’t see it, shoot an email to
Matt,
and let him know what it is and how somebody who isn’t very bright like him can pull it off. Many thanks.

Secondly, the site is doing pretty well. We’ve only had the thing up for about 5 days or so and we’re already just about over the 100 unique visitor mark. Not bad for people that nobody knows and who even less people like. Thanks to everybody who has checked the place out, especially those of you who’ve actually come back. Thanks to the people who are linking to us, including
Scott Keith.
Go check out his columns on
411mania.com’s wrestling section.
I don’t always agree with his views, but he’s entertaining to read and it was cool as hell of him to link us.

If you haven’t read it yet, go read Matt’s post about the ice-cream bar battle to the death. Do that once you’ve read this. He stole it from someplace that he didn’t link back to but that doesn’t make it any less amusing.

And while we’re on the subject of Matt, I completely agree with his sentiments in the Cut The Kid Some Slack post. It doesn’t matter where you’re at in life, everybody makes mistakes and just because you’ve got millions of dollars and are a public figure it doesn’t mean that they’re any less or any more severe than anybody else’s. He’s admitted that he screwed up, the family is ok with his appology, let it go. His friend died, and he could have very easily joined him. He’s suffered enough and really it’s out of the public’s hands now, not that it ever should have been there in the first place.

On a lighter note, here are some things that you should read, once you’re done here that is.

If you’re a wrestling fan, you’ll be happy to note that
Wrestle Crap has been redesigned.
If you’ve never heard of Wrestle Crap, you’ll be happy too once you’ve checked it out. Fantastic stuff on some of the less spectacular moments in wrestling history. They’ve added some new sections too, including the Jobber Of The Week and Somebody Bought That pages. The site is updated every Friday with new content so check that out.

If you’re up for some interesting reading check out
1 Ryder Fakin.
Always something interesting to read over there. I found the last 2 articles posted in the news section particularly interesting. Really something to think about. Read the second one first, they’re the ones dated October 15th. I’d link them directly but for some reason the address just leads back to the main page. That’s fucking weird but I’m sure you guys can figure it out, the site really isn’t that complicated.

That’s all for now. Feel free to comment away on anything written here on the snappy new IP showing comment board, and feel free to
send me things that you think should be up here, or just comments in general.
You can also
email Matt,
for the same reasons if you feel the need. To post comments on things posted, just click on the comments powered by link that appears at the end of each and every post and fill in the stuff. I don’t think it matters if you put your email address in and I’m pretty sure it doesn’t care if you’ve got a website or not.

Until next time, STEVE OUT.

Thanks Anyway

Hey all,
I know Steve has received some and I’ve gotten 2 e-mails today also regarding others posting on this site. For now we’re just going to keep it at Steve and I. With any luck the comment board will be up within the next hour or so and you can comment to your little heart’s content but as for posts, for now we’ll leave it at Steve and I and then see down the road a little. Also, don’t forget that you can send anything you’d like to say to either of us and we’d more than likely post it for you… just don’t go crazy becoming a regular through us, cuz let’s face it. Taht would be annoying on your part lol.

Lastly, as I said the comment board will be up very shortly as I seem to have figured out the HTML. Don’t abuse it or be stupid on it though as the program we’re using does have the option to block certain users and we will not hesitate to do so if your causing problems for others. Let’s all play nice, boys and girls.

C-ya

Cut The Kid Some Slack

I just read an article from a fairly well known sports writer on the Dany Heatley situation. I’ll spare you the hole article but the short of it is that he believes the kid needs to be punished, and punished severely for his actions. (which I’m sure I don’t need to explain as its been in the news EVERYWHERE).

I am by no means a lawyer, in fact besides a Grade 11 Law class, I know nothing of legal proceedings. However, I still felt the need to spout off on this.

HE’S A KID!!! Ya, he’s a rich kid who already has more money than you or I could ever dream of, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s a kid. I challenge any one of you to look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you have never ever done anything stupid. If you can do it, you can also go to hell because you’re a filthy liar. (sorry but its true)

The difference between me going out and crashing my car and causing a death and him doing it is huge! If I do it, well, yes I’ll feel like shit. I’ll have to face my own family in friends in shame, I’ll have to face the family of the other person and I’ll probably do hard-time.

Now, you’re probably saying that that’s exactly what Heatley’s going through, well hold on a second. Cuz you’re only partially right… here’s the difference.

I WON’T HAVE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WATCHING IT AND MAKING IT WATER-COOLER DISCUSSION

Heatley is currently going through personal injury, personal grieving (in case you’ve forgotten, it was his FRIEND that died in this accident), personal shame and legal proceedings all under the watchful eye of us, the greedy public.

It’s time to leave this kid alone. He wasn’t drunk, he wasn’t high and he wasn’t out to hurt anyone. He made a mistake. It was a costly one, but a mistake nonetheless. He feels terrible, and the family has publically stated that they do not hold him responsible for Snyder’s death… so why should we? It’s none of our business yet writer after writer (which i have now hypocrirically added myself to the list of) continues to monitor this and spout off their own feelings on. The kid would probably rather go to jail than continue this little media parade.

How do you think the Snyder family felt having a million tv camera’s at their sons wedding? How do you think Dany Heatley’s mother feels being asked the question “Do you consider your son a murderer?”? (because she was asked that), How do you think Heatley felt attending his friend’s funeral with a media circus following him? Well, to us, it didn’t matter how any of that felt. We just carried on asking and following with no regard for the people involved.

I can’t speak for anyone else, but I can’t say I’ve ever been responsible for a good friend’s passing but I’m sure the feelings Heatley currently carries are far worse than any ruling a court could place upon him. Just something to think about.

Hollar back to “mattrobinson_gms@hotmail.com”.
Or to comment on anything else hit me back also, or Steve at “sendstuffhere@rogers.com

Be Safe

SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS VS THE INCREDIBLE HULK!

I found this on another website that I enjoy. You can expect lots of stuff like this as I enjoy it, its strange but so is my sense of humour. Get used to it. This is truely a dangerous battle. Enjoy!

=================================
A battle for the ages! In one corner, Nickelodeon’s current Golden Boy and the cable TV ratings winner, “Spongebob Squarepants.” In the other, Marvel Comics’ latest movie ace and the only superhero who collects a royalty check whenever a pro-wrestler is vociferous in their displeasure with Hulk Hogan, “The Incredible Hulk.” They’re both riding amazing highs these days, sharing successes that’d seem incomparable if they were up against anyone but each other.

I wasn’t sure how such a contest should be held, but if I’m right, whichever contender’s Popsicle bar takes the longest to melt under July’s hot sun is the true champion. The treats are typical fare in ice cream trucks this summer, something I learned this past week while babysitting my sister’s son and being forced on a fourteen-block chase trying to locate the god damned stupid pink “Lickedy Split” truck. By the time we finally caught up, which incidentally was right after I spent fifteen bucks on “Yu-Gi-Oh” cards as a sort of consolation prize for my distressed nephew, the vendor was completely sold out of both varieties. Good thing most toy store chains have ice cream coolers.

Only one can survive. One of these lemony slushy sticks will help crown a victor, but regrettably, the other shall die. Place your bets…

In frozen, edible form, Hulk comes to us simply as a giant green head with two purple gumballs acting as “eyes.” Don’t let the gamma-inspired color scheme fool you — much like the terminally yellow Spongebob, Hulk also tastes like lemonade. With a painted-on scowl and a drooping brow that identifies his inner rage, the Incredible Hulk’s Ice Head is a formidable foe. As for Spongebob’s frosty funpop, it’s a little more haphazard than Hulk, though adequately “bumpy” along the sides with two plain black gumball eyes. Black isn’t a typical color even in those machine-refiller boxes, so Spongebob’s eyes seem way more important than Hulk’s. Still, neither will be judged on any of this. It’s a dangerous game they’re playing, but the rules are simple. They just gotta make sure they ain’t the first to melt to death.

Tick tock, tick tock…

Article continued below advertisement:

Visit our sponsors to support the site!

This little experiment took place in a screenhouse during the late afternoon hours yesterday, and even after just a few minutes, there was noticeable wear and tear to both participants. Hulk’s hair began perspiring, ultimately trickling down his face like eerily dark sweat or blood with too much pigment. He hadn’t quite lost his proudly murderous stance yet, but this was no road of the easily traveled. Spongebob felt the sun’s wrath as well, slowly changing shape from a sponge to something that looked more like a South American nation. The battle was on, and if this was any indication, neither of our heroes would escape without experiencing lots and lots of pain first.

As the minutes progressed, Hulk and Spongebob found themselves in a desperate battle, the likes of which would bring be no “real” winner. This was a war of pride — a joust that couldn’t be dodged, but that doesn’t mean they weren’t secretly wishing that their strengths could be compared in ways that didn’t require them to melt. Spongebob’s yellow sheen slowly overcame even his whitest parts, while the Hulk’s formerly kept hair descended into a pitiful mass of darkened tendrils looking to spread plague and failure. Unlike those times Nitro chased around the Gladiators in giant, metal balls, this wasn’t a feelgood competition. As our combatants would tell you, it was actually pretty feelbad.

Taking a turn from the pitiable to the plainly grotesque, the Hulk’s entire forehead began caving in around five minutes later. The sun was doing its job — perhaps a little too well. Spongebob’s been robbed of his famous cheerfulness with a twin stream of the Devil’s tears. They’re paying the ultimate price for the ultimate prize: the right to call themselves the “best.” Unfortunately, the battle is far from over, and Prince Torture hasn’t even begun licking his chops…

Until this point, neither warrior seemed to have a clear edge. Spongebob and Hulkhulk, creatures of overwhelmingly different origins and designs, merged under the same umbrella of resilience as half their faces liquefied. For a brief moment, you’d almost forget that the two were competing — their shared survival tactic of sitting absolutely still felt like something only the work of two minds could conjure up, but in truth, neither Hulk nor Bob were prepared to give each other a lifesaving tip. Underneath that shroud of immobility and melty apathy lies the awful truth: the Incredible Hulk and Spongebob Squarepants despise each other, to a level where they’d willingly let half their bodies evaporate just to watch the other suffer a similar fate.

Finally, I saw a crack in the Hulk’s former green granite. Is he crying? Can ice cream cry? Spongebob’s smile remained bright even throughout this terrible experiment, but the Hulk’s open-mouth frown grows more and more “open-mouth” until he appears able to actually fit a brand new Hulk Popsicle in there. Right? Right? Right?

It’s the moment of truth. Hulk’s rapidly becoming a puddle, and while Spongebob never looked so scary, at least his general shape remained intact. We’re around the fifteen minute now, and evidently, something’s about to give. Watch closely — the next photo represents the turning point in yesterday’s climactic battle. I think you know what I’m talking about. Let’s face it, we’ve all been waiting for the same thing. Watching Hulk and Spongebob melt is great fun, but there’s a marker we’ve all been fixating on, quietly but deliberately. Who’s gonna lose an eye first? It’s all fun and games till someone drops a gumball.

Hulk!! No!! One of Marvel’s greatest…could he be on the road to defeat? Against a cartoon sponge from Nickelodeon? It’s a sad state of affairs, and surely something Marvel would prefer to see swept under the rug. But guess what, Marvel? You can’t sweep melted Hulk Popsicles under the rug. They’d just ruin the rug! Nobody wants sticky rugs. Cease the dreams of sweeping, Marvel — your trump card is in this for the long haul. Though, I’m not sure how much longer this haul can really go. He’s already lost one eye. The process that followed seemed only natural…

Both eyes — gone! How is the Hulk supposed to leap from continent to continent when he can’t even see where he’s going? It was tough enough to swallow even when he could see. We must consider this as a major annoyance to the Hulk — at the very least, it’s going to make his hobby of trying to read the company taglines on all the septic trucks he leaps past much, much tougher. Poor Hulk.

As Hulk progresses into even grittier territory, Spongebob isn’t without his share of problems…

Somewhere between 20 and 25 minutes, both contestants have now become eyeless and all but hopeless. Hulk’s even lost his eye sockets. That’s like the ultimate kind of eye-loss. Nope, you can’t lose your eyes much more than that. Eyes.

Though without his former powers of sight, Spongebob smells victory. I, experiencing another form of victory, smell lots of lots of sweet lemonade. The Hulk isn’t out of the race yet, but only the biggest thrill-seekers would go against Vegas’ current odds. The jade defender, having spent close to a half an hour under the sun, quickly degenerates towards his depressing curtain call…

Uh oh, I see stick. I see stick and I’ve become progressively bored with watching ice cream melt — a bad combination for the Hulk, as I’ve decided to implement a “first one to show stick LOSES” rule. Sorry Hulk, you’re damned, and your forest green face is all over the table in my screenhouse. We’ve both come up short in our own little ways.

There’s no hope with dope.

Dope with hope no there’s. Just seemed like the right thing to say.

Though the victor is obvious, no contest is complete until one is mentioned: your winner is Spongebob Squarepants. He’s toughed through the blazing sun and roughed through his previous fear of the Hulk, remaining solid enough to triumph. It’s a glorious day for the suits at Nickelodeon, and all those annoying “Nick Kids” they force you to watch during commercial breaks. Marvel Comics probably isn’t too pleased, but at least the Hulk gave it his best shot. Hell, he battled on for a good 20 minutes even after his eyes fell out. Has there ever been someone more deserving of the “don’t feel so bad” silver medal?

Our story ends here, just like I said it would. Congrats, Spongebob. Token congrats, Hulk. Popsicles ain’t just for eatin’ no more, and we’ve got you guys to thank. I think.