The Swearing Pianist

I could have sworn I posted this one years ago, but the site search and Carin’s memory say I’m wrong, so here it is now.

Completely useless trivia note: I’m pretty sure this is the first joke I ever saw on the internet that made me laugh out loud.

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, “Where’s the god damn, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking arse wipe.”

The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, “Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here? I will get the manager as soon as I can.”

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, “Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?”

“Yes, sir, I am,” replies the manager, “and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant”.

“Fuck off!” replies the bloke. “And where’s the fucking piano?”

“Pardon?” says the manager.

“Fucking deaf as well are we? You little piece of sniveling shit, show us your pissing piano!”

“Ahhhh,” replies the manager. “You’ve come about the pianist’s job.”

He shows the bloke to the piano.

“Can you play any blues,” he asks?

“Of course I fucking can,” the bloke replies, and proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.

“Why, that’s superb! What’s it called?”

“I want to fuck your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob,” replies the pianist.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

“Magnificent!” cries the manager. “What’s it called?”

“I wanted a wank over the washin’ machine but my bollocks got caught in the soap drawer”.

The manager is a tad embarrassed, but asks if he knows any romantic ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody.

“And what’s this called?” asks the manager.

“As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece,” replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke’s language, but offers him the job on condition that he doesn’t introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She’s wearing an almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little ‘G’ string she’s wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots, butter dripping down her chin!

It’s too much for the bloke, and he runs off to the bogs to ‘wrestle with his bald headed champ. He’s pulling away furiously when he hears the manager’s voice…

“Where’s that bloody pianist!?”

He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly. He sits down and starts playing some more tunes.

Suddenly, the blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear:

“Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?”.

“Know it,” the pianist replies, “I fucking wrote it!”

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