It’s the middle of May and the weather here is doing its damnedest to turn from winter to spring to summer, but it can’t seem to settle on which one it wants to be. Last week was super nice though, and it put me in a shorts frame of mind. That, in turn, reminded me that I don’t currently have any because I had to throw some out last year. Actually, that’s not exactly true. I did find one pair while I was digging around, but I think they must have shrunk in the last 12 months since there’s no way I could have gotten fatter.
This left me with two options. I could either wear jeans all summer (not happening), or I could spring for something appropriate for the season, which really is the only choice and I’m not sure why I even bothered writing down option one.
But option two presents its own challenges. I’ve talked about them before.
Normally what I like to do in a situation like this is bribe my mom or someone else with a decent sense of what I would wear into going to the store with me in exchange for lunch. That’s much better than the alternative, asking a salesperson to help out. Sometimes that ends up fine, but it’s not my preferred option. If you want to know why, just ask Carin about the pants with the glittery ass someone once got her to try on and hoped she wouldn’t notice. Please, salesfolk, don’t do that shit unless you want blind people not as nice as us to rightfully drill you in the fucking face. Our money and time are as valuable as anyone else’s, thankyouverymuch.
But long story short, there was no mom available to bribe quickly enough. So between that, sparkle cheeks and the prospect of dealing with any COVID protocols that might still exist, I didn’t relish going to the store. So online it was.
I chose Old Navy, or the Army Navy Store as some of my elderly relatives call it. I’ve had pretty good luck finding things I like in their stores over the years, and it turned out that there was a big 30% off sale happening on the website. Not only that, but if my worst fears came true and my sizing got all screwed up, I could exchange or get a refund at the store. Yes, I know I just said I didn’t want to go to the store, but I’d rather do that as a last resort than dick around with shipping labels, repackaging and sending everything home.
So I took the plunge.
I settled on three styles. Cargo because I like them even though I don’t have a use for quite that many pockets, jean shorts because they go with pretty much anything, and jogger shorts because they’re comfortable and I’m not passing up a chance to make my own lol as if you’re ever gonna be jogging, ya fat ass joke.
I ordered everything last Friday, and by yesterday afternoon it was here. And miracle of miracles, it all fits! I assume that this is part of a sinister plot to get my confidence up so I’ll try this again and it’ll be a shitshow and everyone will laugh and laugh, but for now, I’m happy.
One question, though. What in the hell colour is “Doe A Deer”, Old Navy? Doe A Deer is not a colour. Doe A Deer is what happens when you’re stuck in HGTV hell while some irritating asshat picks out paint shades and wallpaper. I am a straight white man. I understand things like blue or grey or yellow or brown. I do not understand Doe A Deer. I am also blind. A word is worth a thousand pictures to me. But as words go, Doe A Deer are 3000% useless in this context. If you’re going to use terms like that, please do me the solid of translating them into English.