And The Word Maximum Only Has One X In It, You Losers! Maybe You’d Know That If You Laid Off The Hammers!


I try to avoid thinking about people and their stupid ass trends as much as possible, but this is pretty much what happens when I’m forced into it.

Gen Z’s “maxxing” trend has gotten way out of hand. As looksmaxxers like Clavicular hype the benefits of smashing your face with a hammer, and self-described nothing-maxxers achieve new levels of doing jack s**t, Lewis Black can’t help but wonder: What the f**k is happening?!

Just Tell Him You Were Driving, Dog

Believe it or not, I actually know a couple of guys who tried to pull off the old switch places during a traffic stop thing once. They were both drinking, but decided, in their infinite wisdom, that the one that didn’t have a driver’s license was in better shape and thus less likely to get them into trouble out on the roads. I don’t know what it was that caused them to get pulled over, but of course they did. And it was at that point it dawned on them that the first part of the sentence “license and registration, please” is license, and that the guy who had a valid one ought to be the one providing them. This all worked out as well as you’d figure, and the two of them ended up heading to the tank until some people who are far too nice came down and bailed them out.

Dumb as that was, though, it was a Mensa meting compared to this. At least the guys in my story were A: alone together and B: both human beings.

Springfield Police Chief Clay Klipfel conducted a traffic stop on a driver who was going 52 mph in a 30 mph zone about 11:30 p.m. Saturday near West 7th Avenue and Main Street in the Town of Springfield, according to police.
The driver attempted to switch places with his dog, which was in the passenger seat of the Dodge Challenger – a process that Klipfel watched as he walked toward the car, police said.
The suspect – who had clear signs of intoxication, according to police – got out of the passenger side of the car and told the chief that he wasn’t the one driving. When Klipfel asked whether he’d been drinking, the man tried to run away, police said.
The suspect’s getaway attempt was cut short about 20 yards from the car when he was apprehended.
 A man and a woman who were sober were in the backseat. The car belonged to the woman, Klipfel said.

This idiot better have credibly threatened to kill those other two people, because otherwise they’re no smarter than he is. There are two of you. Both of you are sober. One of you owns the car. Make better choices, for god’s sake!

the driver was arrested on a couple of warrants, plus charged with driving under the influence, driving while ability impaired, driving under suspension, speeding and resisting arrest.

The dog was released into the custody of the sober people, who were allowed to continue on their way rather than be sent for mental health evaluations that they could probably have used.

Take A Flying Leap, Doug

I may be the only one, but I was fully prepared to give Doug Ford a pass for buying that government jet.

Part of this is a me thing, because I hate travelling. In a perfect world, wherever I’m going should never be more than an absolute maximum of an hour and a half away from wherever I am. There are many reasons why you’ll never see me running for public office, but one of them is most definitely looking at campaign itineraries and politician schedules in general. “Wait. They’re in how many cities today? And they’re taking a bus? And they’re still expected to be nice to people? Does Trump’s cognitive test guy know about this?”

But my own travel preferences aside, it does sincerely make sense to me that if you’re regularly expected to be all over the damn place like government officials often are, that you should be able to be as flexible as possible about it. If you’re needed in both Waterloo and Ottawa on the same day, for instance, and you can make that trip in two hours rather than six, why wouldn’t you? And just as importantly, why wouldn’t we want you to?

Should Ford have made this case to the people? Of course. Explaining how things are currently done and outlining the time and cost savings you expect over time by spending what looks to be a lot of money up front would have taken more effort than “you bought me a plane, bitches! Surprise!”, but there’s no excuse for not doing it. Would he have gotten some blowback? For sure! But that’s part of being the public face of decisions. It might not have been super popular, but it might not have turned into a whole thing that’s going to dog him for years like it has now, either. He might have even gotten to keep it! And then whichever government came next could have used it too and hoped that we all forgot about how they used to call it the gravy plane to score some cheap political points instead of just being honest for once and saying “you know what, that really isn’t the dumbest idea…especially not the dumbest one this guy’s ever had.”

But even Doug’s better ideas are still pretty dumb, because it turns out that the plane they chose would have had trouble using about 90 percent of the airports in Ontario were it to be used for all the things they hastily made up to justify the purchase after the fact.

The $28.9-million private jet the Ontario government purchased — and Premier Doug Ford has now committed to sell — would only have been able to fly in and out of about 10 per cent of recognized airports in the province, according to a CBC News analysis. 
Bombardier’s technical specifications for its 650 Challenger jet show it requires a distance of 5,650 feet to take off at its maximum weight, which means it couldn’t use the vast majority of airports in Ontario at full capacity, as they have runways shorter than that, according to runway dimension data from NavCanada. (Aviation industry standard is in feet, rather than metres.)

Those limitations raise questions about how the private jet would have helped the premier travel around northern Ontario — one of his justifications for needing the jet — and how the plane would have fulfilled other government uses Ford described at Queen’s Park on Tuesday. 
“Sending firefighters up north to fight wildfires, or if we had floods, or if we had to bring people when we evacuate First Nations communities and we had to get them down and we would do that,” Ford said. 
“Right now we’re chartering planes, and when you evacuate, you want to evacuate the elder, the children. I know it’s small, but if you can take two or three trips.”
CBC News cross-referenced a list of Ontario airports recognized by the federal aviation authority with runway data from a copy of NavCanada’s Canada Flight Supplement from 2021 to determine the longest runway at airports across the province. After removing airports that have closed from the list, CBC found the province’s Challenger jet would only have been able to use 19 of Ontario’s 179 operational airports based on the distance it needs to take off at its maximum weight and the length of available runways.

Not only that, but Ford also admitted that there are places in the north where it wouldn’t have been able to land no matter what because of dirt runways. That raises even more questions, because the province already owns more than one plane that can.

So much for the benefit of the doubt. Tell me again why these guys are the smartest, most responsible choice to run the province.

Baby Powder

If you’re planning to tool around town with three pounds of cocaine, there are certainly worse ways of disguising it than making it look like a great big pregnant belly. On paper, at least. Unfortunately, life isn’t lived on paper. If it were, it wouldn’t matter that you drive like an idiot. Or that you and your pregnant friend can’t decide when she’s due. Or that neither of you knows where you’re heading today. Or that your little oven bun isn’t taped to her nearly as securely as you thought.

Public Information Officer Shale Remien told ABC News that the stop was predicated on Miller’s erratic driving. He allegedly weaved through multiple lanes and nearly collided with a semi-trailer truck, Remien said.
Miller and Mitchem behaved nervously during the stop and volunteered that Mitchem was pregnant, according to Remien.

“The first red flag began when the two gave conflicting information about her ‘due date,'” the release from the office said.
Remien added that the two offered different information about their destination. Deputies also found marijuana in their vehicle, according to Remien.

Mitchem fled from the officers as they grew increasingly suspicious of the “conflicting story” offered by the couple, according to police.
“Mitchem immediately took off running and very quickly drugs fell from the fake rubber stomach,” the release noted.

Both were charged with drug trafficking and could face up to 30 years if convicted.

Match The One-Hit Wonder To Their Follow-Up Song, Probably Do Better Than Steve

When I was a kid it used to annoy the crap out of me when a band was described as a one-hit wonder even though I knew damn well that they had another song! I considered it a point of pride when I could name that song when no one else could. So with that in mind, I was pretty confident that I would be acing this 1980s one-hit wonder follow-up songs quiz. But friends, I am here today to tell you that I did not.

I started out by getting one wrong, then going on a bit of a tear. Unfortunately, I immediately followed that up by tearing off in the opposite direction. When all was said and done, I wound up with just 40%. That’s right. Mr. What’s Wrong With You? Do You Even Music, Bro? over here failed the freaking test! Maybe I should have paid better attention during Bobby McFerrin lessons.

Hopefully some of you will have better luck.

How Did He Get An Uber That Fast?

More than once in these pages I’ve mentioned that something said by George Carlin wasn’t just a bit to me, but also a life lesson. This, however, is not one of those things.

If only I could have explained that to Christopher Everson here before everything went all to hell for him.

On April 11, just before 11 p.m., a man driving a Nissan sedan east on State Road 574 in Seffner, Florida, crossed into the westbound lane and crashed head-on into a Volkswagen car being driven by a 17-year-old, Tampa Fox affiliate WTVT reported, citing the Florida Highway Patrol. As the vehicles came to a stop, Everson — driving a Ford F-150 — allegedly struck the Volkswagen.
The driver of the Nissan was identified by the regional outlet as Garry Baptiste, and he was reportedly hospitalized and cited for careless driving.

The teenager was also hospitalized with serious injuries, and he later died.
Everson, however, did not go to the hospital, according to authorities. Instead, with his 8-year-old son in tow, he allegedly walked away from the crash site and bought an Uber ride to his St. Petersburg home.

He is currently being held without bond on charges of leaving the scene of a crash with death and operating an unregistered vehicle.

The whereabouts of the son were not reported, but hopefully he’s with someone who can explain to him that it’s ok if he never listens to his dad again.

You’ll Probably Never Hear Bohemian Rhapsody Quite The Same Way Again

Here’s a neat video on the making of Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody”.

I remember covering this in music electronics class back in high school. We didn’t go into it in this much depth, but we went deep enough to understand that the thing is a freaking marvel. Not just because all of it was recorded in the 1970s on actual tape which is pretty insane to think about in an age where almost everything is digital and in some ways much easier, but also because the vision, musicianship and patience it would have taken to pull it all off is at a level you rarely encounter. It’s astounding, really. Even if for some reason you don’t like the song much (Does anyone not at least kinda like it?), you might come away with a new appreciation for it if you take the time to watch.

Oh, and here’s a thing I learned that some of you might call me stupid for not knowing. It isn’t Freddie Mercury hitting all of those really high notes in the opera part. Some of them are drummer Roger Taylor. I had always assumed that Freddie sang everything.

Fill My Cone Up To Here

I like the Tragically Hip well enough, but nowhere near as much as most people seem to. they’ve put out a good bit of stuff which, to my ear at least, kinda sucks, actually. Just because a song references Canada in some form doesn’t automatically make it good.

This has been unpopular hot takes with Steve. Thank you all for coming.

When they really started to lose me was around the Bobcaygeon era. I’ve never liked that song. It’s a total channel changer for me. I can’t put my finger on exactly why I hate it so, but it’s got a whiny, irritating quality to it that I just have never been able to handle. Much like the way I sound to most of you right now, probably. And that’s fair enough. I know I’m in the minority here. I came to terms with that long ago.

But after all these years, something good may finally be coming out of that awful, awful song!

The band have now officially launched their own ice cream flavour with Kawartha Dairy, the family-owned dairy business based in Bobcaygeon that has been serving products across Ontario since 1937. Obviously called the Tragically Chip, the Hip’s ice cream is maple whisky-flavoured and features dark chocolatey chunks, as well as a black cherry ripple.
A portion of the proceeds from the ice cream — available this summer for a limited time — supports the Breakfast Club of Canada, a nonprofit helping ensure that kids nationwide don’t start the day with an empty stomach by way of nutritious school breakfast programs.

That sounds almost as good to me as the song sounds bad. It’s been a long time since I’ve had Kawartha Dairy ice cream, but I recall it being pretty darn tasty. My only hope is that the whisky doesn’t overpower everything else. I like whisky, but there are plenty of examples of tastes you like feeling out of place. But a worthwhile cause is benefiting from it, so even if it somehow turns out bad, it’s still good.