I Managed To Shop Online For Clothes

It’s the middle of May and the weather here is doing its damnedest to turn from winter to spring to summer, but it can’t seem to settle on which one it wants to be. Last week was super nice though, and it put me in a shorts frame of mind. That, in turn, reminded me that I don’t currently have any because I had to throw some out last year. Actually, that’s not exactly true. I did find one pair while I was digging around, but I think they must have shrunk in the last 12 months since there’s no way I could have gotten fatter.

This left me with two options. I could either wear jeans all summer (not happening), or I could spring for something appropriate for the season, which really is the only choice and I’m not sure why I even bothered writing down option one.

But option two presents its own challenges. I’ve talked about them before.

Normally what I like to do in a situation like this is bribe my mom or someone else with a decent sense of what I would wear into going to the store with me in exchange for lunch. That’s much better than the alternative, asking a salesperson to help out. Sometimes that ends up fine, but it’s not my preferred option. If you want to know why, just ask Carin about the pants with the glittery ass someone once got her to try on and hoped she wouldn’t notice. Please, salesfolk, don’t do that shit unless you want blind people not as nice as us to rightfully drill you in the fucking face. Our money and time are as valuable as anyone else’s, thankyouverymuch.

But long story short, there was no mom available to bribe quickly enough. So between that, sparkle cheeks and the prospect of dealing with any COVID protocols that might still exist, I didn’t relish going to the store. So online it was.

I chose Old Navy, or the Army Navy Store as some of my elderly relatives call it. I’ve had pretty good luck finding things I like in their stores over the years, and it turned out that there was a big 30% off sale happening on the website. Not only that, but if my worst fears came true and my sizing got all screwed up, I could exchange or get a refund at the store. Yes, I know I just said I didn’t want to go to the store, but I’d rather do that as a last resort than dick around with shipping labels, repackaging and sending everything home.

So I took the plunge.

I settled on three styles. Cargo because I like them even though I don’t have a use for quite that many pockets, jean shorts because they go with pretty much anything, and jogger shorts because they’re comfortable and I’m not passing up a chance to make my own lol as if you’re ever gonna be jogging, ya fat ass joke.

I ordered everything last Friday, and by yesterday afternoon it was here. And miracle of miracles, it all fits! I assume that this is part of a sinister plot to get my confidence up so I’ll try this again and it’ll be a shitshow and everyone will laugh and laugh, but for now, I’m happy.

One question, though. What in the hell colour is “Doe A Deer”, Old Navy? Doe A Deer is not a colour. Doe A Deer is what happens when you’re stuck in HGTV hell while some irritating asshat picks out paint shades and wallpaper. I am a straight white man. I understand things like blue or grey or yellow or brown. I do not understand Doe A Deer. I am also blind. A word is worth a thousand pictures to me. But as words go, Doe A Deer are 3000% useless in this context. If you’re going to use terms like that, please do me the solid of translating them into English.

Thank you.

Making Poor Word Choices On The Popular

I don’t know who they have writing the copy for the anchors at CTV Kitchener these days, but that person needs a serious tune up.

There has been an increasing number of questionable word choices lately, but last night took the cake…at least so far.

To introduce a story about the baby formula shortage, the anchor said that empty shelves had become a “popular sight” at many stores around the country.


I nearly spat burrito everywhere when I heard this.

Since you guys seem to need one, here is a definition of the word popular.

liked, admired, or enjoyed by many people or by a particular person or group.
“she was one of the most popular girls in the school”

For some reason, who knows what, really, I have trouble believing that the inability to find proper nutrition for one’s children is liked, admired, or enjoyed by many people.

Next time, go for a word like frequent or common. Even regular could have worked. But popular? Come on, man.

Hot Angry Tears

Gill is feeling sad and angry about the state of the world. It’s hard to blame her when you’re staring into the face of mass killings that are so completely and utterly senseless.

I often take humorous looks at the things that quite frankly boil my potatoes, but this week’s episode is far more serious and hit me in a way I don’t like to think about.

Imagine that, simply because of the way you look, you are targeted.  How is it even close to reasonable for people to not feel safe at gathering places?  How is it normal to hate?

Internal Hot Angry Tears

On Monday night I signed on to do my regular shift on my church’s prayer line.  I was given a prayer assignment, and as I began my heart felt like it shattered once more.  These were not the cold sad tears of a child whose friend has moved to another town or is mourning a loved, lost pet.  These tears on my heart were hot, blistering and angry.  Here’s a sample of the prayer I spoke:

“Charlottesville, Pittsburgh, Christ Church, San Antonio!  God, please, stop this hate!  My heart breaks far too much!  Break our hearts for what breaks yours!”


Yesterday I logged on to my other prayer line, and some of the members suggested fighting hate with violence.  No. I had always been taught to use my words to solve any issue.

I also flashed back to the innocence of childhood when I thought that all problems could and would be solved at a place I called “Idea House”, where the chocolate chip cookies were freshly baked and the milk was always cold.  In my then 5-year-old mindset I thought if people just sat down over the above mentioned items problems, hate and war would not exist, and people would visit each other’s homes as friends and neighbours.  42-year-old me knows that it takes a lot of prayer, tears, and healing to come close to the kind of world 5-year-old me dreamed of.


How would you set up “Idea House”, and how in your own way would you start to make change?

Hot Soup, Hotter Temper

If all this great resignation labour shortage stuff is actually true, it really isn’t hard to understand why. Workers have been treated so poorly for so long in so many industries by customers and employers alike that eventually there’s got to be a breaking point.

One place where you can very clearly see this in action is in the restaurant industry. Low wages, weird hours, bad bosses and sometimes even worse customers. If I’m expected to run my ass off all day and have people constantly yelling at me, you had sure as shit better be paying me more than minimum or sub-minimum wage. Like a lot more. Like I’m not sure you could afford it and still keep the lights on more.

Our entire system is backwards. The more crap somebody is expected to take, the worse he’s compensated and looked upon by the public. In a perfect world, the person repairing things for me or making sure that my food is good and safe so that I can eat without dying would be paid based on how important that task is, and the middle management guy who can’t explain to me what his job is because he doesn’t even quite understand it himself would be making the McDonald’s money. Basically, if nobody would notice if you stopped showing up one day and didn’t get replaced, you should have a smaller bank balance than the type of people I have to write about because sometimes the soup is too cold and other times the soup is too hot.

The incident occurred at Sol de Jalisco restaurant in Temple after a customer said their soup was so hot that its plastic lid had melted, police said.
The cashier at the restaurant said in a TikTok video that she answered a phone call from the woman and apologized to her, also offering her a refund. The restaurant worker said she was called names by the woman, who later returned to the restaurant with the soup.
“I pulled my phone out and that’s when I said, “If you do not leave or calm down, I am going to call the police,’” the worker, who was not identified, said in her TikTok.
She said she offered to help the customer if she stopped cursing, but the customer proceeded to throw the soup at the woman’s face. Video shared on Reddit and TikTok shows the incident, with the woman and a man she was with leaving the restaurant after throwing the soup.
The worker said the soup was not as hot as when it was served, but the spices in it affected her.
“My eyes were burning, my nose was bleeding, I was in a lot of pain,” she said in a second TikTok. “By the time I wiped it away and could almost see again, there were already customers and staff outside following her out.”

Police say that no one was injured in the incident, which…I dunno, guys. Maybe borrow a dictionary? Or at least make it clear that you’re doing the sports thing where there’s a difference between being hurt and being injured.

The customer, who was not identified, will be facing charges and has been banned from the restaurant.

I Had To Do Some Rapid Tests

This past Tuesday I had to do one of those at home COVID tests, with Aira’s help of course. After I figured out what all the doodle bobs were for, it wasn’t too crazy hard, but of course I would have been screwed if I didn’t have Aira because I wouldn’t be able to look at the test cassette thing. But I have heard descriptions of some of the tests and they seem impossible. This was better than I expected…once I figured out what the heck I was doing. I thought I’d write down my experience so I could hopefully help someone else out who found themselves needing to do one of these.

Like I said a little bit ago, I was going to my first in person conference yesterday. Because life is mean, last Monday, I developed the sniffles. I wanted to be sure they weren’t the COVID sniffles, so decided to crack open my first rapid test.

The kit I have is called the Rapid Response kit.

Apparently it’s not one that a lot of Aira agents have seen. Inside the kit, there is enough stuff to do five tests. But instead of compiling the components for each test in an individual container, they just put all the components in the box. So you have a bag of five swabs, a bag of 5 tubes and stoppers, a bag of five vials, and a bag of five test cassettes. Why not make five bags, with each bag containing the components for a test? Once you know what you’re doing, it’s no big deal, but cut the newb a break! Oh, and you have a little tray to use to stand the tube in for all the swab-swirling goodness.

So, you have your kit. You’ve figured out what the hell is going on, you have all your stuff out in a little tray so nothing can fall down. If you’re using Aira or Facetime or some kind of phone-assisted thing, you have your phone sitting up on a stack of books or a stand or, appropriately enough, an unopened kleenex box so they can see down into your tray. You have a timer nearby that isn’t your phone. Let’s rock and roll!

So, the first thing you have to do is grab an empty tube and stand it up in the little tube stand thingamabob. It’s a tray with 8 holes. I don’t know why they picked 8. Maybe it’s to confuse the newbs among us.

Then, grab that vial of liquid they call buffer solution and give it a shakeroo. When I saw it, I said “Hey! It looks like a tube of flea and tick preventative for dogs!” Not exactly, but kind of. The top of the tube has a notch on each side and a raised bumpy liney thing right in the centre. If you twist it at the bumpy liney thing, the top will snap nicely and make you a little spout that you’re supposed to pour the liquid into the tube through. Find your tube, and place the makeshift spout into the opening of the tube and squeeze until it’s all gone. When I did this part, I was scared shitless because I had heard this solution could hurt your skin. If it can, I was lucky because my first makeshift spout was a little raggedy and dribbled solution crud on the side of the tube…which I was holding.

After you’ve done that, the fun starts! take your swab out of its packaging, holding the stick end, tilt your head back, and stick the swab in one of your nostrils. They say to not have it straight up and down, but going straight back, kind of at the lower part of your nostril. They said “parallel to your palate.” For some reason I had to think about that a lot before I got the message. Stick it in about an inch or until you hit resistance. Swirl it around for a few seconds and then take it out. Then stick that disgusting swab in your other nostril and repeat.

After you’ve done that, stick the swab in that tube of scary fluid. Swirl it around in there several times, smush it against the tube walls, and then let it sit in the scary fluid for two minutes. When that’s done, take the swab out of the tube, all the while squishing and pinching it against the tube walls to get all the liquid out of it. Chuck the swab in the garbage. Then, grab your stopper cap thingamabob and stick it on the top of the tube. Make sure it’s on their firmly so the potential COVID cocktail you just made doesn’t leak when you pour.

Then grab your test cassette. There is a long part and a round part and each is very noticeable by feel. The long part is where the results show up and the round part is where you pour your mix of swab juice and scary fluid. Yeah, I’m so technical.

Take your tube that has the cap on it, find the round part, and then turn the tube upside down so that the drops will land in the round part. It says do 3 drops, but it doesn’t say what will happen if you get too much in there, so I just pour and wait a couple of seconds.

Now, I wait. I set a timer for 15 minutes. I sit and whistle and pray that it’s negative. The test cassette has a c and a t written on it, c for control, t for test. If it is negative, there will be a line pointing at the c. If it is positive, there will be two lines, one pointing at c and one pointing at t. If you screwed it up and it’s confused, there will just be a line pointing at t.

Time to whistle, whistle, chat with whoever is being eyeballs for this lovely test, la la la…ooo! Time’s up! What’s the result? Negative! I can be out among people! Yea!

And that is how this kind of rapid test is done. I did a second test the day before going to the conference to confirm my non-covid status, and it went much faster and easier than the first test. Hopefully neither of us will need to do one for a long long time!

I’m Guessing The Bug Survived

I think Carin and I may have shared a building with these people at some point.

Des Moines police said they may know how an apartment fire started early Monday morning.
According to police, the fire started inside of an apartment at Gray’s Lake Apartments on Fleur Drive when an occupant “attempted to light a bug on fire on a futon.”

It “lit up like a tinderbox,” according to police.
Several people have been displaced after the fire. Emergency crews had to block off part of that main road while they battled the flames.

Toy Department, You Say

Mom! Look! A Super Poker!

According to a Winter Haven Police Department report, Flor approached the victim from behind while she was shopping with her 12-year-old son. Flor “unzipped his pants, pulled out his penis,” a police affidavit reported. Getting to within an “arm’s reach” of the woman–who was “facing away from him shopping”–Flor masturbated until he ejaculated “on the pants of the victim (onto her buttocks).”
As this was happening the woman’s son “attempted to alarm his mother.” The boy then explained what he had seen, prompting the victim to contact Walmart workers.
After police released store surveillance photos of the suspect, Flor, who lives a few miles from the Walmart, turned himself in and reportedly admitted to masturbating in front of a child while in the store.

Yes, this all apparently went down…up(?)…whatever direction these things go, in the toy department.

21-Year-old Elias Flor took a deal and was sentenced to 15 months in prison and three years probation on a count of felony child abuse. Other charges, including a count of battery that cops say was added because Flor didn’t have permission to spooj on anyone right then, were dropped in exchange for his emission admission.

Get Off…My Porch

I’m asking this question sincerely, because as much as I would like nothing more in this world than to continue not knowing, current events are forcing the curiosity issue a little.

So…uh…is borrowing sex toys a thing that people do, or is this an isolated incident and of course someone this weird and gross would end up stabbed in a fight over ownership?

According to an arrest citation, an officer was dispatched to Mitchell Hill Road on Saturday afternoon in reference to a stabbing. It states Crystal Denham called 911 stating she stabbed her cousin, Michael Barton, who is also her neighbor. Denham was sweeping the porch when an officer got to the scene.

Denham told the officer Barton came to her home and they got into an argument over the sex toy. She borrowed it and he said he wanted it back. The citation says she told him to get off her property, and when he grabbed her by the elbow, she used the kitchen knife she was holding in her hand to stab him. Barton’s injuries were considered minor and he refused medical treatment. He told the officer Denham began “acting crazy” and she stabbed him when he went to leave.

If the police report is to be believed, the bit about her acting crazy is probably true.

According to it, Denham was most upset when informed that she was under arrest. Upset enough that the officer felt it necessary to pull out his Taser. No, that’s not a euphemism and no, you can’t borrow it. At that point, the report states that she “formed a fist with each of her hands, bladed her body in a fighting stance, swelled her chest out, and began approaching” the officer. The officer stepped to the side and pushed Denham to where she became compliant and placed under arrest.”

She was charged with second-degree assault, second-degree disorderly conduct, menacing, and resisting arrest.

It Might Be A Little Cheaper To Drive A Ford, But Voting For One Is Going To Cost Us All

Ford’s licence fee sticker refund could help him win this election
As we approach the provincial election, ‘people are preoccupied with one thing: pocketbook issues’

I understand the point being made here. Unfortunately, it might even be a correct one. But while we’re talking about pocketbook issues, here’s one to consider. $4-$8 Billion. Depending on which estimate you go with, that’s going to be how much giving that $100 back to people who drive is going to cost the province spread out over a four year government term. So that’s nearly $8 billion that won’t be going into healthcare or education or affordable housing or any one of the hundreds of other things that would probably be well served by the sort of boost in funding that $8 billion could provide.

And it’s only going to get worse from there.

Don’t forget that in a few weeks, it’s not going to be election time anymore. And when election time is over, all the money that’s being thrown around at the moment to promise us the moon is going to come to a sudden stop and the province is going to magically be broke again. And when we’re broke again, it’s time for the punishing service cuts that without fail leave everyone worse off than they already were. That’s how this works, especially when you vote in a populist, bull in a china shop, slash and burn Conservative government that doesn’t much care about anyone who isn’t already pretty well off.

So don’t get too attached to all that healthcare, education, affordable housing or any of those hundreds of other things that $8 billion could have paid for. But please, enjoy that $100 you don’t have to shell out for new stickers anymore. That’s gonna be great.

In a Ipsos poll prepared for Global News, 39 per cent of respondents said they’d vote Conservative if the election were held tomorrow. That’s well ahead of 26 per cent for the Liberals, 25 per cent for the New Democratic Party and five per cent for the Green Party. The poll interviewed 1,501 Ontario residents online and by phone between April 29 and May 1.
Ford’s recent announcement that the government would refund hundreds of dollars to drivers in fees that they paid for their licence plate stickers feeds right into voters’ anxiety about affordability.
“That policy was targeted at swing voters in the 905,” said Simpson, referring to the vote-rich suburban areas around Toronto, where people spend a lot of time in their cars.
It’s a smart strategy for two reasons. One, even if you don’t like that specific tactic of returning money directly to voters, “it reinforces to people that Doug Ford is best placed to help you with issues of affordability,” Simpson said.

And two, the Conservatives have now cemented a formidable lead in the 905, where 47 per cent would vote for Ford if the election were held tomorrow. Ford’s Conservatives are 21 points ahead of the second-place Liberals in that region.
The suburbs around Toronto are “the part that matters” when it comes to winning elections, Simpson said.
“It can be the only part that matters. It’s pretty much game over, if that holds.”