April’s Bloopers And The Leafs


Speaking of bloopers, how about them Leafs?

Yeah, low blow. One that I’m not sure how much they deserve considering that Auston Mathews had one of the best years a Leaf has ever had and they made the playoffs yet again. But then they did what they always seem to do, forget that they’re any good and peace out in the first round without much fuss. Beyond William Nylander who missed the first three games but would still have had no competition for series MVP if Joe Woll Didn’t exist, it’s a miracle that they made it all the way to game seven. I had them going out in six and thought I’d over estimated them by game five, for the record.

It’s a familiar pattern, and it’s getting old. And much as I hate to see a coach get fired when he’s got a record like Sheldon Keefe does (212-97-40), it’s probably time and I’m not going to argue against it this year like I have before. The playoffs are a problem, and when you’ve managed to win just one series in six tries, it’s pretty clear something isn’t working.

And speaking of things not working, I think it’s time to move on from this core four business. It’s gone about as far as it can go. I love that Marner and Tavares are Leafs and I genuinely hate it when my favourite teams trade away top shelf players while swearing up and down that they’re trying to win, but with both of those guys coming into contract years, if moves can be made, make them before either of them potentially walks for nothing next summer. Both of them (especially Marner), should net you a pretty big return.

The Leafs aren’t a team in need of a full rebuild, I don’t think. But they’re absolutely in need of some work. And if that means taking a couple of steps back to figure things out, that’s ok.

Music Playing Kid: Caleb Hayes, Eight-Year-Old Drummer

I’m sure I’ve said it before when I’ve posted one of these but it’s probably worth saying again. If I were eight and my favourite band said to me “Steve, come on up here and play a song with us”, I’d probably have lost my shit and totally screwed it up. but I’m not Caleb Hayes, who was eight when he got to do that with Evanescence at a soundcheck. He did great.

Caleb had his mind absolutely BLOWN when he was invited to play Take Cover with Evanescence in soundcheck! He wasn’t expecting it & even though Will’s Monster kit is huge in comparison to Caleb (4ft tall) he was still determined to crush it & give it his all! Enjoy 🥁
Thank you Will for making this happen 🙏Precious memories with an absolutely Awesome band🔥🥁🙌

Jiminy Christmas!

Police: Man uses Uber to rob bank, has driver wait to take him home
You will be shocked (Shocked I say!) to learn that our friend Jason Christmas here didn’t make a clean getaway, and not just because there’s nothing clean about dye packs exploding all over you, the money and the poor driver’s back seat. There’s also the small matter of being the guy who robbed a bank, was seen getting into an Uber when he finished doing that, the Uber being visible on the bank’s security footage and Uber having your name when you book a ride.

But lest you leave here today thinking that this fellow is a complete dope, keep in mind that he did give this whole escapade at least enough thought to realize that he should probably use Uber because his license was suspended and he didn’t want to get himself into any trouble.

According to police, they were dispatched to the Huntington Bank on Greenfield Road, just north of Nine Mile, just after 5 p.m. on Thursday on a report of a bank robbery. Police said Christmas took an Uber to the bank and asked the driver to wait as he went inside and robbed the bank. The driver was unaware of Christmas’ plans, police say.

The Uber driver took Christmas back to his apartment complex – the Heights of Southfield in Lahser – where police took him into custody just outside the apartment building.
In a bodycam video released by Southfield Police, Christmas is handcuffed and on the ground. Police asked him if he got shot because of “red stuff” that was all over him. The red stuff was from the dye packs that was put in with the money that the bank handed over to him.
The money, which police pulled from his pockets, was covered in red dye.

I’m Sick Of These Mute Muting Mutes In this Mute Muting Movie

If you’re a certain kind of person, the idea of a device that could cut all of the bad words out of movies and TV shows might sound just dandy to you. And if it could also swap those words out of the closed captions and replace them with nicer ones? Even better!

But I would hope that, even if you were that sort of person, you would spend 20-30 seconds thinking about it and come up with a fairly hefty armload of reasons why it almost assuredly wouldn’t work well, assuming it worked at all. And even if you didn’t catch all of the technical ones like the captions not being in sync with the dialogue or not being delivered in the singular way that your device is designed to intercept them, you would come up with the logical ones like what is this show about in the first place and does it have a setting for taming what’s on the screen as well?

This is the TVGuardian, a 1990s gadget that still appears to exist for some reason.

The implementation was kind of clever, I’ll admit. It would decode the closed captions baked into almost everything on television or VHS tapes as they were sent, scan them for terms in its database and then, when it found something, mute the audio momentarily while simultaneously replacing the offending phrase on screen with a tamer one (“Oh fuck” might become “oh man”, for instance) so that everyone but blind people could keep from losing the plot.

But of course, that’s what it does when it works perfectly, which it can’t, because it is a content filter. Like every other content filter, it only knows what it knows and can only work with what it’s given. So if you’re watching something live and the captionist is behind, cuss away, my friend! Ditto if it’s not live but the person doing the talking is speaking faster than the caption chunks are appearing. And there’s the context problem, of course. How have you been, Tyson and Rudy? And naturally, it can only change words, not subject matter. So even if naughty words aren’t ok with you, murder or porn or any number of other unsavoury things are going to have to be.

I’m sure glad my parents trusted me.

A Few Uplifting Words To Play Over Someone else’s Car Speakers

I didn’t wake up thinking that I was in a particularly down mood today, but I must be. I say that because I remember a time when I would read a story like this one here about a carjacker who was identified because he connected his phone to the car’s Bluetooth, say to myself something along the lines of “ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha look at this dumb fucker” and then I would move on with my life. But I saw this story today, and while there was most definitely a moment of “lol what a moron,” it was then followed quickly by a thought that hadn’t occurred to me before. We live in a world of Donald Trumps. Of Doug Fords. Of Marjorie Taylor Greenes. Of Danielle Smiths. Of Pierre Poilievres. How can any of us be sure that the stolen car Bluetooth numbskull won’t be making important decisions on all of our behalf one day whether we like it or not because half of us voted for it?

Have yourselves a wonderful day.

The victim told police two people followed her off a bus to her car and demanded her cell phone and keys.
Police found the car a couple of hours later and said the people who were inside hopped out and ran.
As the investigation unfolded police said a Westinghouse High School security guard identified one of the suspects, Darrell Cammon Jr., 19, of Wilkinsburg, from bus surveillance video.
Cammon is a former student at the school.
Police said another clue came from within the stolen car which showed a device named “Darrells iPhone” was connected to the vehicle.

Sleep Talkin’ 5. The Bit, I Believe, Is Still Alive!

In our last installment of let’s make fun of what Carin says in her sleep, I thought this little bit would be a thing of the past now that Santa had arrived. But apparently, it still has some life in it, although a little less.

There’s one interesting pattern we have noticed: if there is a massive increase in sleep jabberings, I might want to check the calendar and see if my mask and hose need replacing. It’s the weirdest thing. I don’t feel the mask losing its effectiveness, but as soon as I have replaced it, I marvel at how much less tired I am, and wish I’d done it sooner. Hopefully I’ll learn for next time.

Also, I have upgraded my water chamber to one that can handle distilled water and filtered water. This is such an improvement for when I’m travelling. I thought distilled water would be an easy thing to get, but I have found that it’s not. Not every drug store carries it! I went to a hotel in Anaheim, and we went to a Wallgreens and a CVS and neither of them had the stuff! We even tried a 7-Eleven and nope! I would have had to go to a Walmart or a Target that was much further away. We ordered it on Uber Eats, and the person tried to bring us something that was not distilled water because it turns out the place was out of stock even though it was marked as available to order. We eventually found it, but it was just so much trouble! If I can avoid that, I will. But enough Santa jabber. Let’s laugh at my sleeping antics.

Carin decided to give us one more for the road around 4 o’clock this morning.
“I had an identical idea,” she told no one in particular. “Gonna build a big ‘ol Courtney thing with plants around it.”
I’m fairly certain I know who Courtney is, but I’m not so sure what’s being built in her honour. Is it in her honour? Maybe it’s meant to keep her out of someplace?

I have no idea! Who knew I was also into landscaping in my sleep life?

Pretty sure this concept is still dead because her sleep machine is a miracle worker, but Carin’s nighttime brain is doing its best to try keeping it alive.
She’s still sometimes convinced that things are broken and need immediate, panicked repairs. Some things never change, I suppose. Unfortunately, now and then this involves her sitting up in bed, trying to turn off the damn machine and then not knowing why she did it. I’ve caught her at it a few times and managed to stop it, but there was one night when she beat me to it.
Carin: “Something needs fixing right away! This should only take a second.” *pushes button*
Me: “Did you just turn off your machine for no reason?”
Carin: “I do believe I did.”
So far, my favorite new era thing happened on Sunday night.
I rolled over, and all of a sudden…
Carin: “Oops.”
Me: “What did you do?”
Carin: “I just heard what they said.”
Me: “No one said anything. I just rolled over.”
Carin: “Oh. I thought I heard somebody making fun of me and my all masked up voice.”
It is amusing to make fun of her all masked up voice, I’ll admit. But it’s much more fun when everyone is awake to hear it.
By the way, “doe doe doe doe doe doe!”
Carin will understand that. And I’m pretty sure she won’t know what she was trying to tell me.

Hahahahahah! Nope I don’t remember the “doh doh doh doh doh doh!” one at all. But I guess I was sure something was broken. One night I shut off the machine in my sleep, and then I had a dream I was turning blue and had to be rushed to the hospital. Then I realized why I might have been dreaming that. The poor machine wasn’t doing its air foofing thing. And nope, I don’t remember telling Steve about people making fun of my masked-up voice.

That was pretty amusing. I wake up to Carin chuckling and saying “right, I get it. That’s pretty funny.” Of course I asked what it is she got, and she tells me “the joke that they sent out and put up. The one with the picture.” Then there’s a long pause. “I don’t know what it’s a picture of so I can’t explain it to you.”

And I can’t explain it to myself either. The picture is all gone.

This next one happened around the time when I probably should have replaced my mask.

Carin: *Shuffles around like she’s going to get up or shut off the machine*
Me: Whatcha doing?
Carin: Nothin’. Just sleepin’ over here.

And on a somewhat similar yet different note…
Carin: I see what you’re doing over there.
Me: What, sleeping?
Carin: I thought it was some of that freaky stuff.
Neither of us knows what that freaky stuff would have been.

Once, we were visiting a friend, and I yelled “Stop!” in the middle of the night. I think poor Steve was worried I would try and go somewhere or do something. Thankfully, yelling is all I did.
And then there is a large chunk of time when Steve can’t catch me jabbering until when I once again needed a new mask.

“Don’t you dare. Don’t…you…dare! Do not make me waste all that time on Google with the quack quack ducks.”

It’s really weird waking up and getting told that I said that, and having no idea why. Quack quack ducks? What are ducks doing on Google? Did ducks learn how to type? Kind of like monkeys and typewriters writing Shakespeare? Does Duck Duck Go have quack quack ducks too? Were the ones on google defecting from Duck Duck Go? I have so many questions. I thought maybe I meant quack quack docs, like fraudsters putting up websites that I found when googling my symptoms, but it seems to be ducks!
Steve says “It was definitely ducks. “This wasn’t one of those times when I woke up to you talking. I was already laying there awake and heard it clear as day.”

Carin was having herself a night on Monday. Twice I woke up to her saying “Dammit, I don’t have it. I thought I had it.” I don’t think either of us knows what it is. I definitely don’t. But my favourite was “What have ya got there, douche bag? I don’t think so. Nope…nope…nope…nope…nope…” I feel like there might be a story to that one. I hope she remembers it.

Hmmm. I don’t remember what I was dreaming, but I wonder if Domino was the douche bag. His hobby of picking up things off the ground is going to be the death of both of us. Yeah, I have a lot to write about Domino. A lot.

In the wee hours of this morning, as I lie softly sleeping.
Carin: “AAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAA!”
Me: “Are you ok?”
Carin: “Yeah. Think so.”
Me: “Are you having a nightmare?”
Carin: “No. I just thought you were having trouble getting out of the path of that crazy whatchamacallit.”
Me: “The what?”
Carin: *silence*

Once again, I have no memory of either doing this, or the dream that could have caused it. I have no idea what the crazy whatchamacallit was that was going to mow Steve down. I did have a particularly scary dream one night when I was away where I was convinced someone had rigged my CPAP mask and if I breathed just the wrong way, it would set off a bomb. I hope I didn’t say anything very colourful that night. At least I was downstairs so if I did, nobody but the dogs would hear me.

Twice last night, Carin woke me up laughing in her sleep. Like literally laughing. Ha ha ha ha he he he he he.
The first time I asked her what was so funny, she said “look at that nice display.” Of course, I asked what was in it. She said “I don’t know, I don’t have it right now.”
A few hours later when she laughed again and I asked the same question, she excitedly said “look at the bouncing boingy sproingly thing! It’s got springs! Where’s it going?” No clue what it was or where it ended up. I wonder if it was some sort of marvellous toy type situation.

I can’t believe I laughed in my sleep. I wish I could have seen that thing, whatever it was. But I have a new mask again, so hopefully Steve will get a few more months of peace before I pull any more stunts.

I’m Here From The Stats Can, There’s Nothing To Fear?

Hi! It’s me, ya know, the completely absentee blogger? I don’t think I’ve written anything since…January? Gees! I have a metric boatload of things I want to say, but this one feels kind of timely and important.

The other day, I was working away and my phone rang. I didn’t recognize the number but for some reason I answered it. On the other end was some dude who said he was from Statistics Canada and I had to answer some questions about the workforce. He then told, not asked, me about a letter that I received in the mail and about the fact that someone was at our house the day before and left a yellow notice on the door. When I told him that there was no notice, he kind of implied that I must be either lying or an idiot because there was a yellow notice on our door! We happened to have been out of town the day they supposedly came by, and we didn’t find any notice when we came back. But this guy would not be dissuaded. Then he started repeating that this survey is mandatory, and asking for names and dates of birth. At this point, every alarm bell about phone scams and phishing started clanging and clattering in my head. What do they tell you are the three big scam red flags? They make you curious, tell you it’s urgent, and appear to come from places of authority. While this one didn’t make me curious, this person said he came from the government, and there was a sense of urgency or at least necessity when the guy kept saying completion of the survey was mandatory. He got told that I was not answering any questions over the phone, and asked if there was somewhere I could call. I guess he was prepared for this and he gave me a reference number and a phone number to call back.

Of course, I googled the phone number and did find out that Statistics Canada is doing a Labour Force Survey where they ask the same people questions about how much and where they work over the course of six months.

So I called them back and did the survey. When I was done, I gave them some feedback that maybe chasing people down on the phone and demanding personal information in this time of phone scams isn’t the smartest way to get their data. I don’t think they took me seriously, saying this was more efficient than printed mail and email. Ok then. But as soon as I called in and said “I got a weird call about a mandatory labour force survey…” I only got that far before the woman was chuckling on the other end of the phone as if to say, “Here comes another person who didn’t want to answer our caller’s questions.” How efficient can that be?

I don’t know what the solution is, but maybe they should train their people to not be so damn pushy! And maybe they should train them that Canada Post can lose mail or be slow to deliver it…but then again, if the people making the calls live here, they should already know that.

So if you get one of these pushy people calling you, it might be legit. I’d still check though. But it has better chances if they tell you to call 1-833-977-8287 after you tell them “I’m not answering your questions. Where can I check into this?” And after you’ve done your first survey, the next ones can be done through a link in your email, so you don’t have to keep scheduling phone calls. Phew! I know I was happy to hear that.

I don’t mind completing these things. I just don’t like feeling like I’m getting taken for a ride. This is the government who also put out anti-fraud information. I know it’s a different arm of the government, but they should know better!

This Conversation Is…Well…Done

Not a lot to say about the story itself here, but it does remind me that I don’t think we’ve agreed on a male equivalent to Karen yet. We really ought to get on that. I mean if Karen is going to be out here stabbing the poor guy, he probably deserves a name.

A woman having dinner at Ruth’s Chris Steak House in Manhattan stabbed a male patron after becoming enraged by his arguing with an employee Friday night, police said.
The 24-year-old man began squabbling with a worker at the upmarket Midtown steakhouse just after 10 p.m. — and made such a scene that it disturbed diners at nearby tables, including two women enjoying a meal together who told him to quiet down, according to cops and sources.
When he didn’t, one of the ladies grabbed a steak knife and stabbed him in the back, the law-enforcement sources said.
She and her friend then fled on foot — without paying their bill, sources said.

Wanna See My Carrot?

What’s up? I’ll give you a hint. It rhymes with doc.

A Warren County, N.J., man is accused of exposing himself to trick-or-treaters while wearing a pink bunny costume Monday outside Phillipsburg, authorities said.
Phillipsburg police were dispatched to a home on East Boulevard in Alpha, based on a report of lewdness called in to the Warren County 911 center, county Prosecutor James Pfeiffer said in a news release.
Arriving officers spoke with witnesses who said Thomas Mohring, 52, was exposing his genitals to a woman and her 10-year-old son while they were trick-or-treating on Halloween, according to the release.
“As officers approached Thomas Mohring, he was attempting to cover a hole in the crotch area of the costume,” Pfeiffer wrote in the release.

This is a rather old story that I just found in my never ending stash so it would surprise me if it hadn’t been resolved by now, but so far I can’t find any updates on it. The two charges he faced at the time could have put a stop to the hopping and flopping for a shade more than seven years, though.

The Day I Discovered That Wrestling Might Not Be Real

Not sure exactly how it happened, but today I ended up watching a bunch of videos of wrestlers telling stories about the Iron Sheik. Videos like this one, for example.

Somewhere in the midst of it all, I remembered something.

When I was in grade two, part of our routine was listening to a newscast once every day. I think it was usually the CBC, but there may have been others. We would all sit at our desks, the teacher would turn the radio on and we would pay the best attention that a group of six and seven-year-olds could. When it was over, she would go around the room and we would each pick one thing that stuck out to us. She would ask us questions, we would ask her questions, and we would all come away having learned a wee bit more about the world. I don’t know how many classes did this or still do it, but I’m sure glad mine did. Looking back, aside from my radio and TV dial twisting obsession, these current events sessions did more than almost anything else to help me understand how important the news is. Thanks, Mrs. Kenyon.

One day, amongst all of the usual politics and conflict and AIDS and acid rain, I heard something I wasn’t expecting.

“Police in New Jersey have arrested two wrestlers.”

“Wwwwwwwhhhhhhaaaaaaaaat?”

Well, I know what my story is going to be today.

And then it continued.

“Hacksaw Jim Duggan and the Iron Sheik were pulled over…”

Aaaaaand my brain exploded.

How did Duggan and Sheik end up in the same car? Did Sheik kidnap him? I watch every show! These guys hate each other! I’ve seen Duggan go after him and Volkoff with a 2×4! There’s definitely no way they would be together willingly. The fact that there was beer and drugs involved was way down my list of concerns in that moment, because something really weird was going on here.

I can recall expressing all of these feelings to the class, but for the life of me I can’t remember what anyone else said. I was very confused and a little let down that day, though. It was a bit like finding out that your parents are Santa Claus. But it’s been 37 years since then and I’m still out here watching stupid amounts of wrestling, so I guess I got over it. And even after this, I don’t think I was completely convinced that it was *all* “fake”. Maybe some of it was, but this other stuff…totally legit.

In 1987, Duggan and The Iron Sheik (Khosrow Vaziri) were pulled over by New Jersey State Police before a WWF event, suspecting Duggan of driving under the influence. After a search of the vehicle and the persons, police discovered that Duggan was under the influence of marijuana and alcohol, while Vaziri was high on cocaine. Small amounts of cocaine were also found in the vehicle. Duggan received a conditional release while Vaziri was placed on probation for a year. The scandal that erupted after two in-ring enemies were found drinking and doing drugs together led to the end of the angle, the Sheik’s release, and Duggan’s temporary departure from WWF. Duggan soon returned to wrestling.