We Hope You’ve Enjoyed Flying With Us Today, And That You Will Continue To Enjoy It While We Ruin Your Plans For No Good Reason

Passengers travel from London to London on 9-hour ‘flight to nowhere’
Pilots on a British Airways flight from Heathrow to Texas discovered a minor technical issue while over Canada and decided to return to the UK rather than divert to a local airport

I was not on this plane, but I can feel my blood boiling just reading that it happened.

I don’t like travelling when everything goes right. Carin will tell you this, likely between bouts of cursing that I saw the damn story and lamenting that now it’s going to be even harder to get me on another bus/train/plane/boat/donkey/whatever it is that takes people on long, shitty trips. And this, obviously, did not go right, even though it quite clearly could have.

If you know you can fly all the way home, a voyage that takes about as long as finishing the trip these poor saps paid to endure, just keep flying, for god’s sake. Your on the ground resource problems are yours, not theirs. I’m sure you could have borrowed some workers from another airline or something. Just maybe double check their work if they’re from United.

Jesus Christ. I feel like somebody needs to restrain me in this office chair like I’m one of those drunk ass plane Karens in all the videos before I completely flip my lid.

The flight had departed from Heathrow just before 10am on Monday morning and landed back where it started at shortly before 7pm. In total, the “flight to nowhere” travelled 7,779km (4,834 miles), according to FlightRadar24, the tracking website.
Typically, flights from London to George Bush Intercontinental Airport in Houston complete the whole journey in about ten hours and 15 minutes.
It is understood that one of the plane’s Rolls-Royce Trent engines flagged a warning message as the plane was approaching Canada. However, while it did not pose an immediate safety risk, it would need inspection and engineering work.

Instead of continuing to Houston or diverting to another airport in North America — where BA would have limited, or no, engineering resources — the pilots appear to have made the decision to return to London, the airline’s home.

He Was A Good Man, Taken Too Soon By The Schools And The Gun Lobby That Swore To Protect Him

In the right context, I don’t see anything wrong with asking high school students to write their own obituaries. I took a writer’s craft class when I was that age, and I recall more than one assignment that required us to write things about ourselves. It wouldn’t have felt out of place at all if one of them was how would you like to be remembered? Maybe one of them was and I’m just not recalling it. I think Carin took that same class in a different year. She remembers everything, so maybe she would know. If we did have that assignment, I wish I’d saved it. It would be interesting to go back and read it and see what’s changed after 25 years.

But you know what we absolutely did not have when I was in high school? Active shooter drills. That was one of the benefits of going to high school in the 90s and not living in a country full of gun humping lunatics. But if we did have to go through those, I hope that our teachers would be smart enough not to schedule the obituary assignment for the same day. And if one wasn’t, I hope our administrators would step in, question some judgment and then hand down at least a suspension, because lord, what a shitty thing to do.

A Florida teacher was fired hours after he asked students to write their own obituaries ahead of an active shooter drill on campus, the instructor and school district said Friday.
Psychology teacher Jeffrey Keene told NBC News he believes he used proper judgement for the assignment to 11th and 12th-graders during first period Tuesday at Dr. Phillips High School in Orlando.
After being told about the drill on Monday, Keene said he felt the obituaries would help the students reflect on their lives during the school shooter scenario.
“‘This isn’t a way to upset you or anything like that,'” he recalled telling his class of 35.
“It wasn’t to scare them or make them feel like they were going to die, but just to help them understand what’s important in their lives and how they want to move forward with their lives and how they want to pursue things in their journey.”

That’s Some Fine Police Work…Hey, Where’d Lou Go?

Hooooh boy. I can’t wait to hear how the OPP explains this, assuming, of course, that it’s better at finding explanations than it apparently is at finding bodies that are right under its nose.

To be fair, it does sound like the service did a lot of work here. Unfortunately it ended up being the equivalent of taking the entire computer apart wen unplugging it and plugging it back in would have solved the whole problem.

Brian Lush’s family last heard from him on April 24, and using data from a GPS tracking device they established that his tractor-trailer was parked at a gas station in Summerstown, Ont.
They contacted the OPP, who issued a news release on April 26 saying surveillance video from the gas station in eastern Ontario showed the 51-year-old truck driver at the front of his rig on April 24 at 4:30 p.m. Lush was expected home in Stephenville, N.L., later that week.

The provincial police force issued a number of subsequent statements, including a plea for video images from dashcams or trail cameras recorded on or near Highway 401 near Cornwall, Ont., on April 25 between 10:30 a.m. and noon.
“An individual partially matching Brian’s description had been reported along the highway at that time but could not be located when officers arrived,” the OPP said in a statement dated April 29.
The search included help from the OPP’s emergency response team, canine units, a remotely operated drone, an OPP helicopter and search and rescue volunteers.

The search failed to turn up anything, except Lush’s personal belongings in his truck.

Having done all they could, our fine investigators were forced to admit defeat and send the truck back to Newfoundland.

And then.

The following day, the RCMP in Newfoundland issued a statement confirming Lush’s remains were found Monday inside his tractor-trailer after it arrived in Port aux Basques in the southwestern corner of the island.

Oof. So close, guys.

And for whatever it’s worth, you might want to try and get a refund on those canine units. It seems someone sold you the only dogs in history that can’t sniff out something dead.

So how did this happen? Like I said, we don’t know. At the time this was published, a spokesperson for the OPP wouldn’t confirm whether or not anyone bothered doing the most obvious thing one could have done in this case, that of course being open up the other half of the damn truck.

“While we acknowledge that we did not locate the missing person, who was later found deceased inside the trailer after it was returned to Newfoundland, we did conduct an extensive investigation and search to try and locate him,” Dickson said.

While I acknowledge that I did not ever sleep with Cindy Crawford, I did think extensively about doing so during my youth, which has got to count for something, right?

“We are conducting a review of our investigation and we will share those details with the family, as we continue to liaise with them.”

“If we can find them,” he may have added.

Everybody Knows The C Stands For Corn!

“I’m gonna be super pissed if this KFC doesn’t have any corn,” said this one guy and no one else ever.

Seriously, what does KFC even put corn in? The sad bowls? Do they even still make those things?

Investigators say a suspect was in the drive-thru of the restaurant when he tried to place an order, and one employee informed him the business was out of corn. After that, the suspect reportedly made threats toward the employee from the speaker box.

A short time later, the suspect pulled up to a drive-thru window with a handgun. A 25-year-old employee went outside to talk with the driver, then he returned to the restaurant with a gunshot wound.

There’s something about the phrasing here that amuses me greatly.

“A 25-year-old employee went outside to talk with the driver, then he returned to the restaurant with a gunshot wound.”

Makes it sound like that’s what he went out there for, doesn’t it?

“Hey man, you got that gunshot wound you said I could borrow?”

“Yeah dude. Here you go. Enjoy. I’ll need it back next Thursday though.”

I’m Suddenly Not Very Thirsty

I just got what should have been a very tempting marketing email.

“Splash into our summer cocktail menu,” it offered. It also used this emoji. 💦

“What,” you might be asking yourself at this moment, “is the problem there? I assume there’s a problem since you said “should have been tempting”.”

The problem, my curious friend, is that you clearly do not use a screen reader. Pretty good problem to have, I must say! Way to not be blind yet, my dude!

“Uh, thanks, I guess. But can you be more specific?”

Sure thing.

One of the things that a screen reader does (which is nice because the damn things are everywhere) is try to describe emojis. Naturally it does this in words, because for what should be some pretty obvious reasons the target audience for a screen reader isn’t great with pictures.

So where you would see 😊, we hear “smiling face with smiling eyes”.

Where you see 🤣, we hear “rolling on the floor laughing”.

Where you see 💩, we hear “pile of poo”, or sometimes, depending on which device we’re using, “smiling pile of poo”.

Some of you are pretty smart, so perhaps you’re starting to see the issue.

If your emoji is part of a sentence with words in it, that emoji is going to be read to us as if it is words.

Sooooo…

Where you see “Splash 💦 into our summer cocktail menu”, we hear “Splash sweat droplets into our summer cocktail menu”.

And now you know why we’re likely going to politely decline the invitation, once we’ve finished 🤣, of course.

Probably Our Next Music Playing Kid

I apologize for this being a TikTok video since their screen reader accessibility is butt, but once I got it to play I felt like sharing it since it’s cute and kind of fits one of our ongoing themes.

@babylaughh

#baby #cute #foryou #foryoupage

♬ original sound – babylaugh

Here’s a description of what’s going on by way of Laughing Squid for the benefit of those of us who can’t see the video.

An adorable baby perched upright with a four-string guitar, most likely a ukulele, on her lap and began strumming a chord like a rock star. Before continuing, the baby took the pacifier out of her mouth and handed it to someone off-camera (a parent, probably) in a surprisingly adult manner, ear-tuned the instrument, and returned to the song.

Cicadas, Domino, and You

I don’t know if there’s a longer version of this song, this is the only one I can find, but it crawls into my head, heh, and won’t leave whenever I hear about the cicada double brood event happening in the US this summer. I guess two different cycles of cicadas are converging, and a trillion bugs are coming up from under ground…and…getting really busy for about a month. I don’t think it’s going to happen up here, but who knows?

Anyway, I saw an article posted by Guide Dogs for the Blind about what happens if your dog eats a cicada or three. The main message is they’re not toxic, but they may cause some unrest as they make their journey through digestion.

This made me immediately go, “Oh no!” and look up whether the cicadas were expected in my area. This is because Domino has had a turbulent first year with me in terms of belly troubles. Where Tansy has gotten sick once a year, Domino went through a phase where he got sick once a month! I think we’ve figured him out, but we have heard way too much of the hurka gurka clock, although in Dom’s case, it sounds more like the hourawwwmf hourawwwmf clock. I don’t think electronics or the written word can do it justice. It’s a sound that once you’ve heard it, you can’t forget it and you know exactly what it means. It means doom! Doom and carpet cleaning and worrying about what he scarfed up this time that does not agree.

Part of the problem was I think maybe I was feeding him a little less than I should have been, and the poor thing was hungry. He never tried to counter surf and he never scavenged while guiding, but whenever we were outside and he was relieving, he would try and eat anything and everything around him. At first, he just picked things up and carried them. One day, I came back up from taking him out, and found a section of an orange on our floor. Puzzled, I asked Steve why there was a section of an orange on the floor, and he said “There shouldn’t be one.” I showed it to him, and we concluded that Dom picked it up from outside and carried it all the way home. He has grabbed napkins, papers, mulch, whatever he can get his mouth on, he has grabbed it. I was told that was the golden retriever showing, but then he started eating the things he picked up. And sometimes I wouldn’t even feel him doing anything until it was too late. He’s such a long dog, and he glides and floats. He’s very stealthy about his snacking. Then, hours later, we would hear that dreaded sound.

I started feeding him a little more, and things calmed down, but it really improved once I started adding a spoonful of pure canned cooked pumpkin to his food every day. I knew about this little secret from the Trixie days, but in her case, we had used it to solve constipation. But I guess it’s kind of like Metamucil, but for dogs. If they’re constipated, it loosens them up, but if they’re too loose, it firms things up. And Dom was all about the awful poops.

We’ve been feeding him pumpkin for about a month, and it’s been doing him a lot of good. For one, the output is not nearly so disgusting! Second, when he goes out to pee, he takes care of business quickly, which means he’s not snacking up random goodies off the ground, which is probably making his gut happier in the long run. Third, I had been talking about how his eyes were constantly goopy and I was always removing crusties from his face. After a few days of pumpkin, I started commenting that I would check his eyes for goopies and not find any, and this has continued! So does pumpkin have an allergy-soothing effect? Or is he just doing less shnarfing and shcarfing of things that he’s allergic to? I thought he was allergic to chicken, and I still think he might be, but he might be allergic to those pesky incidental snacks which are less of a thing.

And the most amazing thing I have seen since we have started the pumpkin is he’s been able to think more when he’s guiding and solve problems. Sometimes we have had struggles where I am not sure what he’s thinking. I think the poor guy wasn’t feeling tip top, so couldn’t always do his best work.

So yeah, much love to canned cooked pure pumpkin. Just don’t get pie filling. There’s way too much unnecessary garbage in there. Straight pumpkin is the way to go, and he inhales it! Hell, he leaps at his dish as we’re bringing it back from the kitchen. He can’t get enough!

I Swear I Thought It Was A Plant-Based Nose

I just heard Carin mention Beyond Meat during a phone call and it reminded me that for some reason I never got around to letting you all know that a couple of years ago the company’s chief operating officer tried to bite a guy’s nose off during a road rage incident. I apologize for my negligence. It’ll probably happen again.

According to a police report, Ramsey was angered when another driver inched in front of him in a traffic lane and made contact with the front passenger wheel on Ramsey’s Ford Bronco SUV.

The police report alleges that Ramsey got out of his vehicle and punched through the back windshield of the other driver’s car. The driver told police he got out of his car and Ramsey pulled him close and began punching him. Ramsey also bit the tip of the other driver’s nose, ripping the flesh, according to the police report.
The driver and witnesses told police that Ramsey threatened to kill the other man. Occupants of both vehicles got out and separated the two men.

In his defence, he did spend years working at Tyson Foods before joining Beyond Meat, so perhaps he forgot whether or not he was a meat eater that day. That can happen when you’re upset.

Cancel Culture Is Real

The ghouls at Fox News have ruined it, but I’m going to go ahead and use the phrase fair and balanced to describe this Jon Stewart Daily Show segment on cancel culture.

He is, as is often the case, absolutely right. Most of the people who yell the loudest about a lack of free speech have no idea how free speech works. Many of those who yell the loudest about being silenced yell it from the biggest platforms and see no irony in that whatsoever. Our modern world absolutely does incentivize outrage for everyone, and that sucks an awful lot. And if there is really a cancel culture, the ones most in danger of running up against it are the ones who complain the most that they are, but not for the reasons they think.

It’s been great having Jon Stewart back on TV. Actually this is Canada, so back on YouTube, I guess. Count dropping the Daily Show as another of Bell Media’s great decisions. They have absolutely ruined the Comedy Network. Ruined it to the point where if I could cancel it as a standalone service, I absolutely would.