I Am the Very Model Of A Newsgroup Personality

This one dates back to at least 2002, but still seems pretty relevant to current internet times. I’m not sure who wrote it. The only guess I’ve managed to find is novelist Tom Holt, but that’s just somebody’s guess. Great job, whoever you are.

I am the very model of a Newsgroup personality.
I intersperse obscenity with tedious banality.
Addresses I have plenty of, both genuine and ghosted too, On all the
countless newsgroups that my drivel is cross-posted to. Your bandwidth I
will fritter with my whining and my snivelling, And you’re the one who
pays the bill, downloading all my drivelling. My enemies are numerous,
and no-one would be blaming you For cracking my head open after I’ve
been rudely flaming you.
I hate to lose an argument (by now I should be used to it). I wouldn’t
know a valid point if I were introduced to it. My learning is extensive
but consists of mindless trivia, Designed to fan my ego, which is larger
than Bolivia. The comments that I vomit forth, disguised as jest and
drollery, Are really just an exercise in unremitting trollery. I say I’m
frank and forthright, but that’s merely lies and vanity, The gibberings
of one who’s at the limits of his sanity.
If only I could get a life, as many people tell me to; If only Mom could
find a circus freak-show she could sell me to; If I go off to Zanzibar
to paint the local scenery; If I lose all my fingers in a mishap with
machinery; If I survive to twenty, which is somewhat problematical; If
what I post was more mature, or slightly more grammatical; If I could
learn to spell a bit, and maybe even punctuate; Would I still be the
loathsome and objectionable punk you hate?
But while I have this tiresome urge to prance around and show my face,
It simply isn’t safe for normal people here in cyberspace. To stick me
in Old Sparky and turn on the electricity Would be a fitting punishment
for tasteless crass duplicity. I always have the last word; so, with
uttermost finality, That’s all from me, the model of a Newsgroup
personality. “

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