What the Fuck Department, You Have Your Work Cut Out For You!

Last Updated on: 9th July 2013, 04:06 pm

Um…um…I don’t know what to say. *falls off chair onto flor, reaches up and hits paste.*

When Colt Langstaff returned to his home in Cool, California, on Monday, the first thing he noticed was that his garden fence had been knocked down, there was an unfamiliar pickup truck parked on his drive, and his personal belongings were scattered over his lawn.

The second thing he noticed was the naked man wrapped only in a sheet coming out of his backdoor. The naked gentleman asked Langstaff what he was doing there. Langstaff pointed out that it was his home, at which point the naked man ran away.

It was at that point that things began to get really strange.

The Mountain Democrat (‘California’s oldest newspaper’) gives some details from the police report, following the eventual arrest of the naked man, identified as Terence Michael Dean, 37. It is a tribute to what went on that day that the fact its protagonist is called Colt Langstaff and lives in a town called Cool is by far the most boring thing about this story (which we sincerely hope is true).

After the naked sheet guy fled, Langstaff went into his house to discover that all the taps were running, causing a small flood. Why were the taps running? It’s unclear, but it was possibly something to do with the many packages of meat that Langstaff found lying in the sink and bath.

It was just after Langstaff noticed the bathroom meat that the police arrived.

Several other features of the crime scene immediately called attention to themselves. The trails of potting soil were one element. The first soil trail led to the front door, where a rudimentary shrine had been created, featuring a statue of the Bhudda on top of a bongo drum. The second trail of soil led to the suspect’s truck.

The origin of the soil was quickly traced by the detectives to around 100 houseplants that had been ripped from their pots, and placed near the truck. The truck was also observed to contain a considerable amount of Langstaff’s property, notably his toaster, some pictures, and of course a number of empty potting soil bags.

Now, at this point, readers familiar with this type of crime will probably be asking themselves, ‘hey, shouldn’t there be teddy bears on plant stands as well?’ You will be relieved to know that no fewer than three plant stands holding teddy bears were also discovered in the vicinity of the truck.

Inside the house, the lit candles in the living room were perhaps less impressive than the contents of the kitchen – namely some burned matches, a bowl of unpopped popcorn, a bowl of water with Langstaff’s car keys in it, and paper note floating in a cup of water that read ‘I love Cherry.’

At this point, the sheriff’s deputies were told that a naked man had introduced himself to one of Langstaff’s neighbours, asking to be taken to a hospital. Upon arriving at the neighbour’s residence, they identified a naked man wrapped in a towel and smoking a cigarette as the likely suspect, and arrested him.

Reassuringly, Dean has now been released on $25,000 bail.

*scratches head that they let him out, gets up from floor and hits publish.*

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