Hey Officer, Wanna See My Weapon?

Last Updated on: 20th September 2016, 05:15 pm

I said yesterday that it was time to pick things up around here again after a few bad days, and what better way to do that than with a guy in a nightclub parking lot, pants down, putting a pink thing in through his out door while masturbating and eyeing up a couple of cops? If you like the sound of that, then give a big thank you to 49-year-old Robert Matello.

Yes, I realize the if you like the sound of that part could have and likely should have been worded better, but who has time for editing when there’s this much excitement going on? You know, maybe I should just stop.

When Officer Michael Smith asked Matello if he was carrying a weapon, he gave an answer never previously memorialized in a police report:

“Yes, I have a pink dildo,” Matello replied.

At that point, Matello removed the sex toy from his pants pocket and attempted to hand it to Smith, an offer apparently declined by the officer.

Matello went on to say that he “was only pleasuring himself,” according to the complaint. And that he was “just spanking his ass.”

I’m not sure if he thought move along, nothing to see here would get him off…the hook, but Matello quickly discovered that what it would actually get him was a January court hearing and charges of indecent exposure, open lewdness and public drunkenness. It may, however, also get him some help spanking his ass should some custodial time be involved.

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