Don’t You Be Driving, Like Numbnut Jabrone

I almost didn’t post this today because of what day it is, but you know what? Maybe I *should* because of what day it is. After all, the soldier isn’t the one who I want to make fun of here.

Here are some lyrics in case the ones in the video aren’t that good.

A couple of weeks ago, Brad came to see us and hang out. While we were messing around with Spotify, Brad mentioned this song he heard as a kid, something about riding with Private Malone. He said it was a good song but it kind of gave him the creeps. So we loaded it up, and although it certainly gave me goosebumps as intended, and there were some definite creepy elements in it, I have to say that my overarching thought was that the main character in this story came off as a giant asshole!

The story goes that the dude just happens to see an ad for an old Chevy of unknown condition so goes to check it out, and discovers that it is in fact a 66 Corvette. But rather than be honest with the old lady selling it and tell her that this is actually a very valuable car, and she should either relist it appropriately or he can leave this as a down payment and he will come back with the rest and she can hold it until then, he proceeds to rip her off, only paying the bargain price she asked for. He feels a little guilty about it, but not guilty enough to do the right thing. He still doesn’t change his mind when he opens the glove compartment and finds a note from the previous owner of the car saying his name is Private Andrew Malone, he died in the war and now this dude, let’s call him Captain Asshole, just bought his dream car. Nope, he just vroom vroom vrooms off into the night, like the thief that he is.

Captain Asshole proceeds to get the car driving well, except the radio has a bit of a mind of its own, always picking up the oldies station, but other than that, the car drives fine. He drives it all over town having lots of fun and making all the girls oo and aaa at his car. Sometimes, Captain Asshole gets the feeling that if he looks over, he’ll see the ghost of a soldier riding in the passenger’s seat. Maybe he’s looking for the rest of his money?

Then one rainy night, he is driving the car too fast, and he crashes and ruins the car in a fiery mess. He says he doesn’t remember much about that crash. This is probably because he got knocked loopy, but who knows? Considering this is Captain Asshole we’re dealing with, who has no problem ripping off dead soldiers’ families, maybe he was also riding with Captain Morgan.

But ghost Private Malone is a saint, and despite everything, still drags Captain Asshole’s pilfering husk free of the flames…of his all but stolen dream car! That just so happens to be the one thing that our “hero” remembers, as it should be. I hope it haunts him every day…along with Private Malone.

Yup, just call me the song-ruiner.

There’s also what they say is a parody version…

but I think that’s what became of Captain Asshole.

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  1. It’s even worse than just a guy ripping somebody off. First line is about how our boy Captain here had just gotten out of the service himself, which can only mean that he did it to a fellow soldier! What a shithead.

    And as for that radio, forget the oldies show. If I were Private Malone I’d make sure it played nothing but Crimestoppers updates 24/7 to teach the immoral little prick a lesson.

    1. Hehehehe I was thinking that too about the radio.

      And I wondered about the mention of “the service” but I wasn’t sure if I misheard it or something. I thought maybe he was just leaving a church service. But even then, what a dick! He didn’t get the religious message either.

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