This song has been chasing me around since I heard it. Any time I hear someone cough, any time I cough and I think someone might have heard me, any time we get a note in our door, it shows up. So now you can all have it in your head too! Aren’t you glad you came?
We’re ok, but man, is this a weird time or what? Never have I agonized over every little decision, wondering if it’s the best decision. If I go to the store, then I’m going to the scariest place ever, and I’ll never be able to obey all the six feet rules because I can’t see the marks on the floor and I can’t see the people coming. Plus I could accidentally kill someone’s grandma because I could be asymptomatic, and since I can’t possibly obey all the six feet rules, my likelihood of killing somebody’s grandma just shot up. But if I get it delivered, if I can at all, I’m taking from someone who cannot leave their house because they’ve been ordered there or they’re super frail. If I have to buy something heavy that would help us out for a while, then can I manage to walk it home? Walking would be good, but I don’t think little me can pull it off. But if I don’t pull it off, then I have to take a cab which means riding in a car with someone. If I go out, that means Steve doesn’t have to go out, but then I could just bring it home to him and he could get it, even if by some miracle I don’t. If I go get blood work that was ordered by my doctor before this all went crazy, and is kind of time-sensitive but isn’t super duper life or death, I’m following the doctor’s orders but I’m walking into a lab full of who knows who and possibly taking resources from someone who needs them more. All of this walking and stuff is good for the dog, but how much sidewalk am I taking up? Our sidewalks aren’t very wide, and is the dog ever so slightly pulling me towards people? AAAAAAAAAG! It’s like that old text adventure game “Another Lifeless Planet and Me With No Beer”. There’s this one scenario where you are in front of a door and there are two buttons: a red one or a blue one. If you push the red button, you get electrocuted. If you push the blue button, the door locks and you’re screwed. I never figured out what the right move was there, and this feels similar. No matter what choice I make, I’m screwing myself or someone else. I came to this realization after a particularly stressful trip to Walmart, where I came back and started crying and couldn’t stop for a while.
And about the crying: Holy crap am I easy to make cry right now! All it takes is some little thing to strike me just the wrong way and hey! Look at that! Tears all over the place! It’s like they’re just itching for a reason to come flying to the surface and spew. One time, I was just standing at the sink thinking about a book I blogged about years ago. I don’t know why, but I was thinking about the scene in the book where the guy tells his friends that if anything life-altering happens to him, just kill him. Without warning, I was crying, and wondering why I was crying.
Another time, I was riding the elevator with someone and they were talking about how I’m so lucky that I can’t see the looks on people’s faces that they give each other before they decide if they want to get on the elevator. I told him I don’t need to see them to feel the vibe. After we parted ways and I headed outside, I started crying. Whaaaat?
And just yesterday, when I was at the grocery store, someone was standing behind me, wanting to get to something I was near, but not wanting to get too near to me, but she wouldn’t speak. This problem of people standing behind me and wanting me to move but not communicating always infuriates me, but yesterday, it made me cry a little bit. It was so embarrassing.
I can only assume that it’s all the stress of this crazy virus. At least I’m starting to hear that I’m not the only one doing this, so at least I’m not a total freak. In fact, last Thursday’s episode of “The Current” is full of proof that I might be more normal than I thought. Awesome…if it’s possible for that to be awesome at all.
There was a segment about people having Coronavirus-related dreams, which made me think about a few that I’ve had lately. Many times, I wake up in a panic thinking I haven’t protected my hands or face enough, or I have contaminated something. One time, I woke up searching for my face shield of all things. Um, I don’t have one of those…but in that state between being asleep and awake, I was sure I did and it was gone, and now I had contaminated the couch!
Once, I had a dream that I went to the bank to deposit a cheque, but I discovered that nobody could get into the bank until they answered some screening questions by tapping out their answers on a screen. I had two competing thoughts: “How am I ever going to do this? No one is around for miles to ask for help!” and “Eeeeewwww! I’m supposed to touch a screen that everyone has touched, even the people who weren’t allowed inside!” So I stood there by the machine, not sure what to do. Do I abandon the plan of even going to the bank? Do I persist and fight my way through?
I think the scariest dream I had featured the JAWS theme surrounded by this whispering of “Coronavirus!” over and over. and Trevor Noah saying “The Coronavirus…is right behind you…” Somehow, I could see the breeze coming from the whispers, and I could tell it was full of Coronavirus. Then I could see and hear the whispers seeping through the crack of our door and swirling around the apartment. Uuuug!
But except for maybe the last one, those dreams are tame compared to the ones mentioned on the show. At least I’m not the only one having a common theme to my dreams.
Outside my own mind, everyone has been kind and patient and understanding. I’m thankful I haven’t gotten caught in the middle of a stupid fight in a grocery store or something equally ridiculous. But inside my mind, it’s chaos and craziness and wackiness, not the good kind. But I’m doing my best to keep on chugging.
And here’s a nice video thanking frontline workers…which, of course, made me cry.
Lyrics are here.
Carin: (frantically frisking the area around where she’s fallen asleep) “It’s gone! It’s all gone!”
Me: “What’s gone?”
Carin: “It’s gone! It’s not here!”
Me: “Ok? What’s not here?”
Carin: “My face shield! It’s…it’s gone! Oh no! I’m contaminating everything! I’ve contaminated the couch!”
Me: “You don’t have a face shield.”
Carin: “Well…um…crap…I…uh…I guess in that dream I did. Jesus. I hope nothing’s contaminated.”
Some days I wish I could unplug you from all the news and the Facebook and everything. It’s good that the distancing and being careful messaging has gotten through, but sometimes your imagery brain just runs much too wild with it. I hope that I’m doing enough to help you through those times.
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