The Holiday Post AT A Not So Holiday Time

Ok, so it’s January 15 and I’m finally writing a post about Christmas and such. Um, I suck. Hopefully I don’t end up boring people to death.

Christmas was actually a pretty good one. Usually, it consists of being run ragged doing a 300-mile trek to see my mom’s side of the family…and then potentially coming right back a day later…and then coming back this way again a few days later. Yuck! But this year, we actually got together with mom’s relatives early and had a nice big dinner. The only thing that sucked about that was because of the room’s setup, I didn’t feel like I got to talk to everyone. But, this is a big experiment, so I’m sure it’ll be better next year. It’s scary how fast those little cousins are growing up. I think the last time I saw one little guy, he was two weeks old. Now, he’s 3! Eek!

Plus, when I got home, I actually got to see everybody I wanted to without it being too insane. And I think Trixie finally has a set of boots that will work! Yea booties! Apparently, the last time I tried to get Muttluks, I still had the wrong size. No wonder the poor pooch couldn’t bend her legs. But she’ll wear these, and they stay on a hell of a lot better. And I think I’ve almost mastered the booty harness thing. trix doesn’t like it, but she needs it. One day, it was really cold, and I wasn’t going far, so I didn’t booty her up. Then she stepped out of my friend’s car, and after a few steps started limping and shrieking! That sound broke my heart and will be in my nightmares for a long time.

I’ve come to the conclusion that Trixie has my dad wrapped around her paw. As we were driving, he would constantly ask, “How’s Trixie? Is she too hot? Too cold?” It’s so cute, because dad has never been one to love, or even like, dogs. But he would do anything for her, no matter how ridiculous. Once, I mentioned how Trixie doesn’t like being groomed on the balcony because it’s cold out there, and dad piped up with, “Should we get a tent and a propane heater so it’ll be warm out there?” Oh dear lord no! She’ll survive. Ah dad, you’re adorable. he went out and found a cool brush called a Furminator for Trix. It’s expensive, but man is it ever awesome! Much love to the Furminator. She’s even smoother and shinier now that I use it than she was before. Soon, she’ll glow!

I think things are looking up for 2008. Why? We had another New Year’s party! Last year, we didn’t have one, so it was cool to have one again. Although, I felt a lot older this year. I really paid the price for staying up until almost 5 in the morning one night. I wondered how the hell I managed to do that for years before. I look back on how those parties used to go for days and days, and wonder how the hell we didn’t go insane. People were only there from December 30 to January 1, but I was exhausted and glad to see them go. Don’t get me wrong, I loved having them, but I was dead after those couple of days.

It was a good party, though, complete with some wacky homemade caraoke and lots of laughing. The only part that kind of sucked was one of the guests just didn’t get along with, well, anyone. Let’s call him Box-of-Rocks. He was brought by another dude who’s always at these things, and Box-of-Rocks managed to even shock and appall the guy who brought him. that’s impressive! It was kind of weird to watch. I have never seen someone turn everyone against him so fast. I can’t exactly put my finger on what turned everyone off, but they were turned off. He was just…odd! He would walk around our house and look through our drawers for no discernable reason. He would move our stuff around, even though we told him to stop. He seemed to think that a lot of us blinks needed to be looked after like small children, even though we’re quite capable. His jokes didn’t make sense, try as he might to make them into something we would laugh at. He couldn’t remember my name! I think I had three names by the end of two days! Through some feat of unexplainable dumbassitude, he destroyed our TV remote! He can’t explain how he did it, but after he started carrying it around by the bottom buttons, the lights ceased to blink and it no longer did anything of consequence. The Rogers Video dude just stared at it, took the batteries out of it, put them in a new remote and said, “There ya go, problem solved. You need a new remote.” I asked him what was wrong with this one, and he said he hadn’t the slightest clue!

But I think the coup de grace was his whining about how the bathroom was always in use, and once, he just couldn’t hold it, so…did he, a. wait patiently?
b. Dance in front of the bathroom door, saying how much he needed to drain his lizard?
c. Go across the hall to ask a neighbour if he could use their facilities?
d. Piss in the sink?
or
e. take a wizz off the balcony?
If you said e, congratulations, you either heard the story before, or are wired up exactly like Box-of-Rocks, in which case you need to be studied extensively so we can prevent future wirings like yours.

But oh I’m not done. After all the whining about the bathroom, and pissing off the balcony, our friend Box-of-Rocks thinks a fine time to lock the door and take a shower would be right after another friend gets sick…and not just in the toilet. Yeah! He doesn’t even bother to clean it up first. He just climbs over it and cleanses himself. We didn’t realize this right away because we’d taken another friend down to meet a cab. When we came back and found him in the shower, oh lordy he heard about it! We were just sad that our plumbing was actually too good to freeze/scald him by turning on the kitchen tap.

But enough bitching. At least this party will definitely be memorable, and not just for stupid reasons.

Looking back on 2007, it was a pretty good year. It started off scary, but it seemed to balance itself out and bring more good things than bad. Of course the biggest good thing is the arrival of the Trixter. I can’t believe I’ve had her home for nine months as of today. Yeah, I sound like a broken record, always remarking about how I can’t believe it’s been that long. In a way, I can, because I feel like I’ve had her forever, but in a way, it didn’t feel like that long ago that she was brand new.

I hope everyone else’s 2007 was good, or at least turned out alright, and 2008 brings many good things. Happy New Year!

Prison Parents

So, let me try and wrap my head around this one. A guy is in prison for kicking another dude to death over a pack of smokes. He meets some woman who’s in prison for fraud. He thinks she’s the perfect match for him, they get married, she gets out, and he realizes, woe is me, by the time I get out, I’ll be too old to make any babies. So, somehow, he convinces a judge to rule that he can send sperm to his wife so she can be artificially inseminated. That’s pretty bad. But here’s where it gets really fun. Because of that ruling, human rights folk are trying to push for women in prison to have full access to IVF facilities while they’re there, so they can have babies!

Pardon? I said pardon? No matter how I look at this, I want to scream.

Let’s look at scenario a. The kid will be born in prison, but the other parent, presumably who is out of prison, will take the kid and raise it on the outside. That still sucks for the poor kid, who soon finds out mommy’s in jail.

But it’s better than Scenario b. The kid is born in prison, and spends its early years in prison! This is not a place to raise children! People are in prison, for the most part, because they did something wrong. Sure, there are some wrongful convictions, but that’s the minority! Most people are in there because they shouldn’t be on the streets! These should not be the role models for a child! I don’t care what experts say about the effects of becoming a parent and how it assists in the rehabilitation process. Thankfully, the article said what I was thinking. What about the well-being of the kid in this whole game?

Ug. What a mess. I don’t even know how the guy who’s now FedExing his spirm to his wife managed to convince a judge that this is a good idea. Do we really want a kid being raised by mom who defrauded people and dad who killed somebody over some cigarettes?

And here’s a message for the women who want to have babies in prison. You know what? If the worst thing that happens to you when you get out of prison is you’re too old to raise a kid, you have it pretty good. Maybe that’s a consequence of, uh, going to prison for a long time. Suck it up, princess! If you’re so concerned about raising a kid, work your ass off so you can prove to an adoption agency that your worthy of having that responsibility. Until then, I guess you’re just not a mommy.

Does IM Stand For Instant Missile-Launcher?

Oh boy. People have way too much time on their hands. There’s another update to the USB missile launcher! You can now use MSN Messenger to target a contact, of course he has to bee in the same building, and you can use the webcam to observe the results. There are either a lot of easily-amused folk, or folk who are bored out of their skulls at work, or both, out there. This whole USB missile thing is flourishing way too much.

Airheads

I saw an update to the story about the man’s mother being hidden by a deployed airbag, and now I have more questions. Apparently, this guy says he had an epileptic seizure which caused the crash, and paramedics claim he stated there was no one else in the car.

Ok, let’s start with the epileptic seizure part. Aren’t people who suffer seizures prevented from having driver’s licenses? I was always under the impression that, no matter how infrequent the seizures, one seizure behind the wheel is one too many.

And, even if the dude being rescued says there’s no one else in the car, shouldn’t the paramedics have searched it anyway? The guy was critically injured. What if he was in shock? What if he’d been hit on the noggan and wasn’t thinking clearly?

Apparently, the lady died within minutes of the crash, and wasn’t alive all night. That’s somehow supposed to make us feel better. Maybe there was no hope for her, but what if those minutes could have saved her life?

All I can say is I’m glad there are two investigations going on into this whole mess. I can’t imagine being left behind under an airbag. What a terrifying thought.

Losing Your Load

I’m not generally a big fan of blonde jokes, but this one gets me every time for some reason.

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up to him. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window and she says,

“Hi, my name is Heather and you’re losing some of your load.”

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they’ve never spoken before, the blonde says brightly,

“Hi, my name is Heather and you’re losing some of your load!”

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath the blonde gets out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says,

“Hi, my name is Heather and you’re losing some of your load!”

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window and as she lowers it,he says…

“Hi, my name is Kevin, it’s winter in Minnesota and I’m driving the SALT TRUCK!”

2007 Darwin Awards

These are the real ones as published by DarwinAwards.com, not the ones from the stupid emails that everybody likes to send out all the time. You know, the ones that for some reason have the same fake stories in them every year?

RUNNER UP # FIVE:
THE LAPTOP STILL WORKS (Confirmed True by Darwin)
 
“Driving is not a time to be practicing your multitasking skills,” remarked CHP spokesman Tom Marshall, commenting on a 29-year-old computer tutor’s decision to drive along Highway 99 in California while working on his laptop. He drifted over the center line, and was killed by oncoming traffic. CHP officers found Oscar’s computer still running, plugged into the Honda Accord’s cigarette lighter.
 
REFERENCES: http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-12.html
 
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RUNNER UP # FOUR:
SUPERIOR MOMENTUM (Confirmed True by Darwin)
 
June 2007, Illinois | Two Valparaiso men tested their reflexes by playing “chicken” with a train. Which man could stay on the rail the longest in the path of an oncoming train? At the stroke of midnight, the contest was decided. The winner, aptly named Patrick Stiff, lost his life. The train continued on, as the conductor was unaware that it had hit anyone.
 
REFERENCES: http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-07.html
 
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RUNNER UP # THREE:
 
BARN DEMOLITION (Unconfirmed by Darwin)
 
January 2007, West Virginia) Three friends set out to dismantle a dilapidated barn one bracing winter afternoon. Speaking of bracing… One industrious man fired up his chainsaw and ripped through a crucial support post. Carrying the weight of a full barn roof, those wooden support beams were all that stood between the demolition worker and structural collapse. It was all fun and games until the roof, sans support, succumbed to the pull of gravity and flattened the man with the chainsaw. As a consolation prize, the deceased was indeed successful at demolishing the barn.
 
(Darwin notes, this story is unconfirmed, but no disputes have come to my attention, as usually happens with bogus stories.)
 
REFERENCES: http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-02.html
 
Addendum: This was the year of the Squashed Darwin Award Winner.
Two other groups of people attempted to remove the supports from beneath a water tower, and a heavy factory roof. In both cases, the structure collapsed without their aptly-named supports. Duh!
 
REFERENCES: http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-09.html
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RUNNER UP # TWO:
MOLE HUNT (Confirmed True by Darwin)
 
January 2007, East Germany | One man’s extraordinary effort to eradicate a mole from his property resulted in a victory for the mole. The metal rods he pounded into the ground and connected to a high-voltage power line, electrified the very ground the man stood upon. He was found dead at his holiday property on the Baltic Sea. Police had to trip the main circuit breaker before venturing onto the property.
 
REFERENCES: http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-01.html
 
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RUNNER UP # ONE:
WHAT GOES UP MUST COME DOWN (Confirmed Double Darwin Award)
 
June 2007, South Carolina | A passing cabbie found a 21 year-old deceased couple laying naked in the road an hour before sunrise. Authorities were baffled. There were no witnesses, no trace of clothing, and no wrecked vehicles present. But investigators eventually found a clue high on the roof of a nearby building: two sets of neatly folded clothes. Safe sex takes on a whole new meaning when you are perched on the edge of a pyramid-shaped metal roof. “It appears as if [they] accidentally fell off the roof,” Sgt. McCants said.
 
REFERENCES: http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-05.html
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AND THE 2007 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS…
 
THE ENEMA WITHIN (Confirmed True by Darwin)
 
May 2004, Texas | Michael was an alcoholic. And not an ordinary alcoholic, but an alcoholic who liked to take his liquor… well, rectally. His wife said he was “addicted to enemas” and often used alcohol in this manner. The result was the same: inebriation. And tonight, Michael was in for one hell of a party.

Two 1.5 litre bottles of sherry, more than 100 fluid ounces, right up the old address!
 
When the rest of us have had enough, we either stop drinking or pass out. When Michael had had enough (and subsequently passed out) the alcohol remaining in his rectal cavity continued to be absorbed. The next morning, Michael was dead.
 
The 58-year-old did a pretty good job of embalming himself. Toxicology reports measured his blood alcohol level as 0.47%.
 
In order to qualify for a Darwin Award, a person must remove himself from the gene pool via an “astounding misapplication of judgment.” Three litres of sherry up the butt can only be described as astounding. Unsurprisingly, his neighbors said they were surprised to learn of the incident.
 
REFERENCES: http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-13.html

Full article is here.

You Live By The Sword…

Here’s today’s dose of fantastic irony.

An un-named 26-year old man attempting to shoplift $300 worth of hunting knives from a Meijer store in Michigan got into a scuffle with security workers who tried to stop him, during which he fell and was
stabbed in the stomach by yes, you guessed it, the knives he was attempting to make off with.

His injuries are said to be non-life threatening and he is expected to be released from the hospital any time now.

Yup, He’s A Moron, No Question About It

I guess when you’re last name is moron, you’re doomed to do moronic things like, oh, say, getting drunk and driving your truck into someone’s house.

I admit it has gotta suck when your name is Bryan Scott Moron. What a life that creats for you, even if you’re not prone to do stupid things.

Names And Babies, But Not Baby names

I’m so juvenile. Despite the sad statement that this story makes, I just find it jumps out at me that a pediatrician’s name is Sarah Grope.

But it frightens me that there are enough teen moms out there that they don’t mind asking for a month-long maternity leave. But I’m also disturbed that schools say to them that they should be back at school the day after discharge from the hospital. That’s a little, ok a lot, extreme.