The Apartment From Hell

Last Updated on: 2nd May 2022, 12:54 pm

Happy New Year everybody. Why don’t we start the year with something Jill emailed me.

This guy can’t get a tenant. Gee, I wonder why. Any guesses? Let’s see if we can figure it out. It shouldn’t take long.

All the tenants I interview aren’t good enough (Broadway and Commercial)

Not a good start, bud. You might want to be at least slightly welcoming.

I am a born again Christian. Why is this a problem for people????! I have a house that’s MINE and I PAID FOR IT. I also have a basement apartment for rent. It’s a great space for I’m charing very little for it, $480 monthly, for the right tenant. I know it’s ILLEGAL to require a Christian in the apartment, against the human rights. That’s why I NEVER put this in my ad. Why then does it keep getting taken down?

Um, erm, it’s in your ad. This is your ad, so it’s in there.


Available Immediately – Broadway and Commercial – Showing Saturday and Sunday – Email for directions and additional information.

What kind of apartment is it?

• One bedroom basement apartment with separate entrance
• Tastefully decorated with modern décor
• Approximately 650 square feet
• There is even a window! Security bars installed for your safety and to prevent unauthorized activity
• Closed circuit camera installed for security and safety. One in your suite, one at the entrance, and one in the exercise yard

I’m all cool with one at the entrance, but I’m not down with one being in my suite. And why is the yard called an exercise yard? The only place I’ve heard referred to as an exercise yard is in a prison.

• $480.00 per month
• First month’s rent + ½ month security deposit due at move in
• Small pet allowed with approval and payment of additional ½ month pet damage deposit
• One year lease permitted, option to renew lease at end of the term with no increase in rent
• LANDLORD’S SPECIAL! Move in before January 1st and don’t pay for the remainder of December! That’s significant savings.

Included in the rent:

• Electricity
• Heat – Maintained at 21 degrees with lock box to prevent unauthorized tampering. Additional heating available for $20.00 per extra degree of heating per month.

20 bukcs per degree? Eek.

You may not use your oven to heat the apartment. If you do, you will be fined $50.00 per occurrence.
• Air conditioning – Maintained at 25 degrees during the summer with lock box to prevent extra cooling from being dispensed. Additional cooling for sale for $20.00 per degree of cooling requested per month.

At 25 degrees, why bother having air conditioning in the first place?

• 25″ Zenith color television set with basic cable service – INCLUDED IN RENT!
• Wireless internet (with content filter applied to block forbidden/immoral websites) – INCLUDED IN RENT!

Thanks, I’ll get my own internet. I’m not trying to say I’m immoral, but I prefer my internet not to be filtered. Plus, if the tenant has to be super awesome, why would he then have to be prevented from surfing “immoral” websites?

• Provision of coin laundry services – You will have your own personal coin laundry washer and dryer machines. Washers and dryers are paid using a token system. Tokens can be purchased through the landlord. Washer tokens cost $4.15 each and dryer tokens cost $3.60 each. You are not allowed to use foreign currency or slugs in the washer and dryer. Violators will be fined $100.00 per infraction.

Gees, dude, do you trust at all that your tenant will be decent? Have you had tenants from hell? At any rate, you sure love to levy fines.

About us: (Landlords)

We are conservative, bible believing, God-fearing, born again, evangelical Christians. We interpret the bible literally in every way possible.

eek! I don’t know if the bible should be interpreted literally.

We live a strict moral code and observe God’s laws in our everyday life. My wife stays at home and teaches our home-schooled children. I work as a pastor at a local congregation and am active in the faith community.

About you: (Tenant)

• You are employed
• You do not participate in lascivious deviant sexual behavior
• You do not choose alternative lifestyles as your lifestyle
• You do not have any criminal history
• You must have excellent character references
• You do not smoke, drink or take drugs. Mandatory drug screening required.

What? There is no way I would go through all this for a basement apartment.

Additional Rules/Conditions:

Oh lord there’s more?

CLEANLINESS: You are responsible for the cleanliness and orderliness of your apartment. Beds are to be made before leaving your suite, countertops must be wiped down, and you must remove all trash. Upon inspection, if the tenant’s basement suite is not clean, the cost of cleaning services plus a fine of $100.00 will be levied.
LIGHTS: The lights in your basement suite and in the day room are not to be tampered with. If a light needs repair, report the condition to the Landlord.
WAKE-UP: Wake up will be at 5:30am each morning. All ceiling lights in the suite will be turned on automatically.
LIGHTS OUT: Ceiling lights in the suite will be turned off at 11:30pm.

I’m really starting to think this guy thinks this place is either a prison or military barracks.

CONTRABAND: The following items are considered contraband – alcohol, illegal drugs, tobacco, weapons, lock picking equipment. If any contraband is discovered to be in your possession, you will be subject to a minimum $1,000.00 fine. In addition, your items will be confiscated permanently. Second offense – you will be evicted without notice. A bailiff will escort you and your belongings off the premises. Your security deposit will not be returned.
SMOKING: The basement suite is non-smoking. Anyone in possession of tobacco products of any kind or any lighter or matches, will have their
contraband items confiscated and will be fined $100.00.
INSPECTIONS: The Landlord will conduct unannounced inspections to ensure that these rules and regulations are being followed.

No thanks. See ya.

VISITATION: Visitation periods will be on Saturdays and Sundays from 1:00 p.m. until 3:00 p.m. All visitors and their vehicles are subject to search while on landlord property. Refusal to allow a search can result in their being barred from all future visitation privileges. All visitors must sign the Visitor’s Log. Unauthorized visitors will be escorted from the property, and the tenant will be fined $250.00.

Ok, the guy doesn’t think it’s a military facility, it’s definitely treated like a prison. Visitation? Good lord.

I.D. BRACELETS: Each tenant will be issued an I.D. bracelet with his/her photograph. It must be worn at all times. If you lose your I.D. bracelet or it is broken, you will be required to purchase a new one at the nominal cost of $5.00.

Ick. Does the bracelet come equipped with amonitoring device like they slap on people on parole?

EXERCISE YARD: The tenant will have access to the exercise yard in the area to the back of the property for 2 hours per day from 4:00 pm to 6:00 pm. The tenant is not allowed to bring any personal property to the exercise yard. Once the tenant leaves the exercise yard on a particular day, he or she may not return. No boisterous behavior is allowed in the exercise yard. There is no smoking allowed in the exercise yard. Minimum fine for exercise yard infractions is $50.00.

Uh, so if you’re not supposed to bring any personal property, what the hell are you supposed to do in the exercise yard, run laps? I mean, it sounds like you can’t even toss a ball around! Screw that, I’d just go to a park instead. And if the tenant is supposed to be employed, and most jobs are from 9 to 5, how would this even work for most people? I know there’s shift work and all that, but there are a lot of people who work in the day.

I pity all of those in this guy’s congregation. He sounds like a raving lune.

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