The Heels Were High, But The IQ Might Be Another Matter

Last Updated on: 21st September 2013, 05:54 pm

I can’t seem to find it online, but this little police blotter gem was inthe Mercurytoday.

High-heeled woman assaults man

City police are looking for a high-heeled woman who assaulted a man waiting for a bus on Wyndham Street in the downtown core Tuesday. The 21-year-old man was approached just before 8:30 p.m. by a woman who pinched him on a bicep and punched him in the stomach. When he ran off, she gave chase, tripping twice on her high heels and running into a metal sign.

I have to wonder about a few things here. First of all, how the hell do you run in high heels? I’ve tried, and I can barely walk in the damn things. Second, why would you try doing it in the middle of downtown Guelph? That area is full of people and things to trip on if your own footwear isn’t enough to bring you down. Third, and perhaps most importantly, given the description of her running ability, how’d she get away? Her escape doesn’t exactly sound like it fits the old casually walk away and blend in technique that we’ve seen put to use in the past. The only thing I can figure is that all of the witnesses were too strung out on whatever they like to get strung out on to notice or recognize her, either that or they were all afraid of talking to the cops for fear of being arrested for something. It is downtown Guelph in the evening, after all.

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