Mr. Lorenzo’s Oil Has Been Sentenced

Last Updated on: 7th April 2023, 10:47 am

Remember Nicholas Lorenzo? The guy at the Safeway who was showin’ off a little non-deli meat? Well, he’s been sentenced. Five years of probation, sex offender treatment, and 48 hours of community service. Just don’t have him making sandwiches during that time.

I admit I’ve never been struck by the urge to play with myself at a deli counter, but this sentence stated by his lawyer stands out to me. “He has been expressing and continues to express his desire to discover why this occurred.”

Why? It’s like he doesn’t know why he does certain things, as if there’s another force controlling him. Super weird.

You almost feel sorry for him when he says he doesn’t want to cause anyone any more pain. What a sad little man.

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