Go To Hell, Button Fly Pants

I realize that there may be more important world issues about which to get angry, but right now I wouldn’t mind slapping around the person who came up with button fly jeans, so that’s what we’re going to talk about.

No, I don’t own any. I’m foolish sometimes, but I’m neither crazy nor an idiot. What happened is that I learned of their existence when I didn’t pay close enough attention and tried a pair on while out shopping this week and that alone is more than enough to upset me.

Seriously, guy. What were you thinking? Have you ever worn a pair of jeans? Have you forgotten how tight the one buttonhole can be and how, especially until it’s been used for a while, you have to beat the hell out of your fingers just to get the damn thing fastened or undone? If you do remember that feeling, I want you to think about it and how much it sucks. Are you thinking about it? Good. Now multiply that frustration by four…no, we’ll say seven because now you’re doing that stupid button dance over and over and over and over again in a smaller space close to where your nuts live. Even on a surface level it should be obvious that this is not ideal. Throwing on one’s pants in the morning should not be a task more difficult than opening a key ring and should involve zero risk of repeatedly flicking oneself in the dick.

But there’s an even bigger problem here. Have you, my friend, never had to take a leak in public? It should be a simple unzip, go, zip, leave process. But because of you and your sadism, I have to stand there looking for all the world like I’m intensely playing with myself while everyone around me is doing their business. And this is to say nothing of those unfortunate situations when one must expeditiously get those pants down because bowels are unsympathetic to your need to fiddle with multiple buttons.

I’ll admit that I’m not the biggest fan of button flies to begin with and do my best to avoid them whenever possible, but I’ve begrudgingly come to accept that sometimes they’re part of life if you need to dress up because dressing up is mostly for assholes and it has to be an asshole who came up with the button fly. But jeans are normal people pants. They should be built for ease and comfort first and foremost. Zippers exist and should be used at all times. You can chime in with your wrong opinion if you wish, but I shall not be swayed.

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