Last Updated on: 6th October 2014, 03:59 pm
I found this on another website that I enjoy. You can expect lots of stuff like this as I enjoy it, its strange but so is my sense of humour. Get used to it. This is truely a dangerous battle. Enjoy!
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A battle for the ages! In one corner, Nickelodeon’s current Golden Boy and the cable TV ratings winner, “Spongebob Squarepants.” In the other, Marvel Comics’ latest movie ace and the only superhero who collects a royalty check whenever a pro-wrestler is vociferous in their displeasure with Hulk Hogan, “The Incredible Hulk.” They’re both riding amazing highs these days, sharing successes that’d seem incomparable if they were up against anyone but each other.
I wasn’t sure how such a contest should be held, but if I’m right, whichever contender’s Popsicle bar takes the longest to melt under July’s hot sun is the true champion. The treats are typical fare in ice cream trucks this summer, something I learned this past week while babysitting my sister’s son and being forced on a fourteen-block chase trying to locate the god damned stupid pink “Lickedy Split” truck. By the time we finally caught up, which incidentally was right after I spent fifteen bucks on “Yu-Gi-Oh” cards as a sort of consolation prize for my distressed nephew, the vendor was completely sold out of both varieties. Good thing most toy store chains have ice cream coolers.
Only one can survive. One of these lemony slushy sticks will help crown a victor, but regrettably, the other shall die. Place your bets…
In frozen, edible form, Hulk comes to us simply as a giant green head with two purple gumballs acting as “eyes.” Don’t let the gamma-inspired color scheme fool you — much like the terminally yellow Spongebob, Hulk also tastes like lemonade. With a painted-on scowl and a drooping brow that identifies his inner rage, the Incredible Hulk’s Ice Head is a formidable foe. As for Spongebob’s frosty funpop, it’s a little more haphazard than Hulk, though adequately “bumpy” along the sides with two plain black gumball eyes. Black isn’t a typical color even in those machine-refiller boxes, so Spongebob’s eyes seem way more important than Hulk’s. Still, neither will be judged on any of this. It’s a dangerous game they’re playing, but the rules are simple. They just gotta make sure they ain’t the first to melt to death.
Tick tock, tick tock…
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This little experiment took place in a screenhouse during the late afternoon hours yesterday, and even after just a few minutes, there was noticeable wear and tear to both participants. Hulk’s hair began perspiring, ultimately trickling down his face like eerily dark sweat or blood with too much pigment. He hadn’t quite lost his proudly murderous stance yet, but this was no road of the easily traveled. Spongebob felt the sun’s wrath as well, slowly changing shape from a sponge to something that looked more like a South American nation. The battle was on, and if this was any indication, neither of our heroes would escape without experiencing lots and lots of pain first.
As the minutes progressed, Hulk and Spongebob found themselves in a desperate battle, the likes of which would bring be no “real” winner. This was a war of pride — a joust that couldn’t be dodged, but that doesn’t mean they weren’t secretly wishing that their strengths could be compared in ways that didn’t require them to melt. Spongebob’s yellow sheen slowly overcame even his whitest parts, while the Hulk’s formerly kept hair descended into a pitiful mass of darkened tendrils looking to spread plague and failure. Unlike those times Nitro chased around the Gladiators in giant, metal balls, this wasn’t a feelgood competition. As our combatants would tell you, it was actually pretty feelbad.
Taking a turn from the pitiable to the plainly grotesque, the Hulk’s entire forehead began caving in around five minutes later. The sun was doing its job — perhaps a little too well. Spongebob’s been robbed of his famous cheerfulness with a twin stream of the Devil’s tears. They’re paying the ultimate price for the ultimate prize: the right to call themselves the “best.” Unfortunately, the battle is far from over, and Prince Torture hasn’t even begun licking his chops…
Until this point, neither warrior seemed to have a clear edge. Spongebob and Hulkhulk, creatures of overwhelmingly different origins and designs, merged under the same umbrella of resilience as half their faces liquefied. For a brief moment, you’d almost forget that the two were competing — their shared survival tactic of sitting absolutely still felt like something only the work of two minds could conjure up, but in truth, neither Hulk nor Bob were prepared to give each other a lifesaving tip. Underneath that shroud of immobility and melty apathy lies the awful truth: the Incredible Hulk and Spongebob Squarepants despise each other, to a level where they’d willingly let half their bodies evaporate just to watch the other suffer a similar fate.
Finally, I saw a crack in the Hulk’s former green granite. Is he crying? Can ice cream cry? Spongebob’s smile remained bright even throughout this terrible experiment, but the Hulk’s open-mouth frown grows more and more “open-mouth” until he appears able to actually fit a brand new Hulk Popsicle in there. Right? Right? Right?
It’s the moment of truth. Hulk’s rapidly becoming a puddle, and while Spongebob never looked so scary, at least his general shape remained intact. We’re around the fifteen minute now, and evidently, something’s about to give. Watch closely — the next photo represents the turning point in yesterday’s climactic battle. I think you know what I’m talking about. Let’s face it, we’ve all been waiting for the same thing. Watching Hulk and Spongebob melt is great fun, but there’s a marker we’ve all been fixating on, quietly but deliberately. Who’s gonna lose an eye first? It’s all fun and games till someone drops a gumball.
Hulk!! No!! One of Marvel’s greatest…could he be on the road to defeat? Against a cartoon sponge from Nickelodeon? It’s a sad state of affairs, and surely something Marvel would prefer to see swept under the rug. But guess what, Marvel? You can’t sweep melted Hulk Popsicles under the rug. They’d just ruin the rug! Nobody wants sticky rugs. Cease the dreams of sweeping, Marvel — your trump card is in this for the long haul. Though, I’m not sure how much longer this haul can really go. He’s already lost one eye. The process that followed seemed only natural…
Both eyes — gone! How is the Hulk supposed to leap from continent to continent when he can’t even see where he’s going? It was tough enough to swallow even when he could see. We must consider this as a major annoyance to the Hulk — at the very least, it’s going to make his hobby of trying to read the company taglines on all the septic trucks he leaps past much, much tougher. Poor Hulk.
As Hulk progresses into even grittier territory, Spongebob isn’t without his share of problems…
Somewhere between 20 and 25 minutes, both contestants have now become eyeless and all but hopeless. Hulk’s even lost his eye sockets. That’s like the ultimate kind of eye-loss. Nope, you can’t lose your eyes much more than that. Eyes.
Though without his former powers of sight, Spongebob smells victory. I, experiencing another form of victory, smell lots of lots of sweet lemonade. The Hulk isn’t out of the race yet, but only the biggest thrill-seekers would go against Vegas’ current odds. The jade defender, having spent close to a half an hour under the sun, quickly degenerates towards his depressing curtain call…
Uh oh, I see stick. I see stick and I’ve become progressively bored with watching ice cream melt — a bad combination for the Hulk, as I’ve decided to implement a “first one to show stick LOSES” rule. Sorry Hulk, you’re damned, and your forest green face is all over the table in my screenhouse. We’ve both come up short in our own little ways.
There’s no hope with dope.
Dope with hope no there’s. Just seemed like the right thing to say.
Though the victor is obvious, no contest is complete until one is mentioned: your winner is Spongebob Squarepants. He’s toughed through the blazing sun and roughed through his previous fear of the Hulk, remaining solid enough to triumph. It’s a glorious day for the suits at Nickelodeon, and all those annoying “Nick Kids” they force you to watch during commercial breaks. Marvel Comics probably isn’t too pleased, but at least the Hulk gave it his best shot. Hell, he battled on for a good 20 minutes even after his eyes fell out. Has there ever been someone more deserving of the “don’t feel so bad” silver medal?
Our story ends here, just like I said it would. Congrats, Spongebob. Token congrats, Hulk. Popsicles ain’t just for eatin’ no more, and we’ve got you guys to thank. I think.
