Letters To Santa

Last Updated on: 6th November 2013, 02:33 pm

Man, this flu or whatever I’ve got is pretty horrid. I went to sleep at about 7 o’clock at night without having any food or anything, and this is after a day of eating nothing but noodles and drinking water and stuff like that. So I woke up now, which would be about 20 after 4 feeling pretty damn hungry. So I’m trying to stand up long enough to make some soup, it’s just cuppa soup, anything else would be too complicated. So I’m probably up for the day now since I’ve slept for like 9 hours, even though my whole body is killing me and I’m still tired. But on the bright side, at least I don’t have to go anywhere because of it.

But enough about me and my complaining, here’s something funny I found in my big stack of email.

If Santa were honest…..

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer xmas. Iv ben a gud boy
all yeer
Yer Frend

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawn care. How
about I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I’m
giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody

Dear Sarah,
You’re parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?

Dear Santa,
I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for
my mommy and daddy to bet back together. Please see what you can do.

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad’s banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he’s gonna give that up to come back to your frigid
mom, who rides his ass constantly? It’s time to give up that dream. Let me
get you some nice Legos instead.

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog,
a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays? I bet you’re gay.

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
making toys?
Your friend,

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking
myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing
at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re
awake, like in the song

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I’m
skipping you

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn’t work with me. You’re getting a sweater again

Dearest Santa,
We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our

First, stop calling yourself “Marky”, that’s why you’re getting
your ass kicked at school. Second, you don’t live in a house, you live in a
low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the
burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet dreams,

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