Crap Chop

Last Updated on: 19th December 2019, 03:05 pm

I don’t know if this is true, but I thought it was fucking awesome, and I could see how this could happen. Remember the Slap Chop? Well, somebody got one, and here’s what s/he thinks of it.

My experience with the Slap Chop!!!

Ok so I got a slapchop for Christmas……….

This dirty son of a bitch Vince convinced me that this invention would save time, and help me eat healthy. Fuck Vince and his goddamn chopped nuts,fettuccine, linguini, martini, bikini. Let me tell you what this holy terror of a kitchen utensil does……absolutely nothing.

Let’s look at a few things:

1. This thing is made of plastic and has a sharp blade hooked to a spring and a plunger. This is a poor combination to begin with.

2. The slapchop is about the size of a coffee grinder, which means you need to slapchop size your food prior to actually using the slapchop. In order to do that you need a knife, if I have a knife in my hand already I may as well chop the damn vegetables right then and there.

3. One slap for large sizes, 2 slaps for smaller sizes, three slaps for a fine dice….fuck you VINCE!

Here’s what it actually goes like!!
One slap, twist and pry on plunger because vegetable is wedged in the cutting mechanism. Two slaps, still fucking wedged and no smaller than the last slap…. why? because the fucking blade didn’t actually cut just did a quarter turn with potato stuffed inside. Three slaps, another quarter turn and now your potato is wedged so far into the fucking machine the plunger won’t come out.

Now since the veg is stuffed deep inside this devil contraption you must now take the damn thing apart, easier said than done. Vince says “its easy as one two three” FUCK YOU AGAIN VINCE!

It’s easy to take apart sans potato stuffing however once those blades are full it becomes more difficult.

Picture this, a slapchop full of potato, the plunger is stuffed all the way to the bottom so you can’t undo the top part, and it won’t turn enough to pry the bottom protector part off.

Now keep in mind that this contraption has a sharp fucking blade in it…so using your fingers to pry out the potato chunks is ill advised. What do you do? Three cut fingers and 7 band-aids later, Get a tool of course…. now because you already had to cut your vegetables to slapchop size, you just happen to have a knife close by. It only makes sense to use that to dig out the jammed veg.

Ahem… Caution at this point the slapchop is no longer a slapchop, it suddenly becomes a spring loaded vegetable cannon!

As soon as you wiggle a tiny piece of the vegetable in question out of harms way you can fully expect to get showered in large chunks of potato (or onion, or peppers)…remember these are large chunks that fly fast and hard….because this stupid device still hasn’t actually CUT ANYTHING!

I am going to personally kill the man that invented this goddamn thing…in fact I’m going to use it on his nuts….because Vince says it works great on nuts…in fact so well he says that we are going to love his nuts.

I bet this stupid son-of-a-bitch has a SNUGGIE as well…..

I’m going to think of this person next time I see that commercial on the TV.

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