Don’t Call Us, We’ll Call You

Oh dear. Oh my. I spent 25 minutes of my Canada Day listening to *this!* And those minutes are sooo not comin’ back.

Apparently, these are actual samples of actual…music? Yeah, ok…sent in to record labels by actual people who thought they had an actual chance. Actually no.

When the first one starts, I thought “Oh this is pretty hideous.” But a dude singing “Nothing compares to you” is nothing compared to what came next.

I think the second guy was dancing around, while singing random notes and calling them verses and choruses. The part that killed me was the series of lalas he called “I Need a Girl.” Back in high school, there was this really slow guy who was obsessed with girls. There were a couple of girls whose names he would mutter under his breath. One evening, I was on my way somewhere, and I heard him yell “I want a girl! I want a girl before I’m 21!” Someone asked him when he would turn 21, and he responded by saying, “Monday! ….girl girl girl girl…” I do believe that song was written just for him.

What is with that woman who sounds like a dude trying to sing country songs? I think my favourite part of hers was “I could write a third verse, sort of a finale, about the ups and downs of life…if anyone wanted me to.” I think she’d do a fine job of reading stories, but no, please don’t sing.

The guy singing about Christmas sounds like he’s about to kick it, or might have had a few to drink. His second song, although awful, was a bit groovier than the first one.

And the last one made me laugh because it reminded both of us, although I think it reminded Steve more, of a friend of ours and the way he would try to tell us about a song. He didn’t know much about guitars, so he would just sort of strum at it, and sometimes make that haha noise at the end of lines. And god love him, he couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket, but he was going to try.

I could comment on every song, but I’m not going to. Some of them are just horrible.

I remember we met a music producer when we were kids, and he told us about the horrible demo tapes he would receive. I wonder if it was this level of weapons grade awful. I wish I could ask him.

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