Last Updated on: 7th November 2022, 03:52 pm
Jesus, Gill. When it rains it pours for you, doesn’t it?
As ever, you and the rest of the family are in our thoughts.
And if I can offer one piece of advice, it would be don’t blame yourself for any of this. It’s tempting to let our minds run wild at times like these, but sometimes it isn’t all that helpful. Easier said than done, obviously and you’re probably going to go to some strange places no matter what. But try to remember that sometimes things just happen regardless of what we do. Take care of yourself, and do the best you can to be there for the people who need you.
How does that make you feel? Six words that hold considerable weight. No matter if on the therapist’s couch or in general conversation, that’s a loaded question. When I went to visit my family just over a week ago I found out my mom has lymphoma. So how has that made me feel?
Numb
At first after the news broke I felt nothing, not sad, not angry, but more like I needed to escape in to my own thoughts and pretend this wasn’t happening.
Guilt
This is kind of weird, but I saw on a Canadian show where people were trying to lose weight (X Weighted) where two of the participants blamed their differently able children for their weight problems. Sunday night I cried, not due to sadness, but because I thought folks would blame me for this because it is tough to raise a differently able child.
Anger
I would not wish this on my worst enemy. Lymphoma can go pound sand for all I care. I’m still really salty as the same condition in a different form claimed my grandmother almost two decades ago. I’ve been bottling my emotions to try not to seem bitter.
Hopeful
Like I said in my blog about science versus Christianity, God has placed a team of nurses, techs, doctors and researchers to help this situation. I am also relying on prayer as well.
Well, here’s an update on my mom. It is stage 4 lymphoma, but unlike even when my beloved grandma went through this two decades ago people with God given talents have helped increase survival and even recovery rates.
When Did I Find Out?
I was looking at my emails yesterday afternoon when an email with the subject FYI dropped in to my in-box.
Sisters
I took roughly half an hour to try to unpack what I’d just read, and then called my sister. Luckily she happened to have the week off work this week, and was around when I called. My sister was having my parents drop by for dinner, but was crying at the start of the conversation. We agreed to chat and check in with one another as we move along through this.
Shock
Unlike when I first heard the word “lymphoma” I wasn’t so much numb, but felt more like someone had brought me to a carnival and put me on either the teacups or tilt-a-whirl. I had to sit on my bed and collect my heart and jaw from the floor before I went for a walk.
Thoughts
Like I told you in my feeling of anger, any form of cancer can pound sand. I also understand that we’re in this for the long haul. If there’s one thing I can ask you my readers and friends, please pray for us.
If you’ve been following this series, you know my mom has lymphoma, stage 4. Well, here’s what’s on its way.
Tomorrow she starts the first of six chemotherapy sessions. Because it’s the first session It’s going to take a few hours.
Never Fear Technology’s Here
While going through this first session, my sister was kind enough to fill her iPad up with loads of podcasts.
Feeling It
I kind of wish I could be there in person to help her out. I know that my phone call tonight helped, but I just wish I could be with her.
I first want to thank all of you for your readership and kindness.
It’s Hitting Me
Wednesday my mom started chemotherapy to kill the lymphoma and today (Friday) she sees a radiation oncologist. What is really hitting me is my mom has gorgeous curly hair. I described it to a friend of mine as “a white lady Afro.” And knowing that she has chopped off those luxurious curls and that she might go bald has me rather sad. Lymphoma can pound sand!
To Blame
Remember when I told you I felt guilty for this situation? It came creeping over me like a dark hanging cloud. Logic tells me I’m not at fault, but societal pressure to be the perfect daughter and falling way short has made me think otherwise.
Last week I was talking to my sister, and she told me she bought her some socks that say “f**k cancer!” and a shirt that says “Brave, strong, and bad ass!” My mom has also gone to the wig shop. My mom, like I’ve said, has luxurious curls, and has had to cut them off because of the hair loss related to chemo, but won’t divulge what her wig looks like. Here’s hoping for something that’s a cool version of her lovely classy fro.
Seriously
I talked to her Monday night over the phone, and she said she hasn’t really noticed much other than the tiredness that comes with chemo and the drugs she gets.
Thank you readers for your prayers, it helps loads.
Round Two
As I write this update my mom is heading in to her 2nd round of chemo treatments. So my friends, this makes it two down four to go. Next weekend when I head north to see family I will pass along all your prayers and thoughts.
Don’t Blame Yourself
Last week I finally revealed something that my therapist unknowingly gave me the courage to speak up about. My mom and I were sitting in the recreation room of my parents house, and I told my mom how guilty I felt about her cancer diagnosis, and that if I had been a “normal” child she wouldn’t have stressed out so much. She, in her kind and gentle way, told me that it wasn’t my fault, it’s just a nasty toss of the possible genetic dice. She also told me not to be hard on myself.
Halfway!
Today is the 3rd of my mom’s six sessions of chemotherapy, and so far, other than hair loss, she is doing very well. Thank you for your continued prayers and thoughts.
A Quote From Mom
Once again the educator in my mom popped out, and something she said made me think. We were seated at the restaurant after she had her picc line flushed and dressing changed, when she said, “at first it was an adventure, but now I just want it over with.”
Nerd Humor
Last week when I went with my mom to get her picc line flushed and dressing changed she wore her wig. Here’s a little chat we had-
Mom- “my ears are so pointy with this wig.”
Me- “Your rockin the Mr. Spok from the original Star Trek?”
Mom- “Haha, pretty much.”
Mom News
Hey friends! My mom got the results from her scan back, and she is doing well. She jokingly asked if she would have to take the last three chemo sessions, and the doc kind of chuckled telling her that though things look great, they don’t know what’s lurking.
Thank You
Thank you for your continued prayers and thoughts, I love you all God bless.