Can You Hear Me Now?

A german scam artist [I refuse to use the word inventor] has released
a mobile phone for the dead.
No, I’m serious, stop laughing. Ok don’t, but I’m still serious.

The phone, which goes by the name Telefon-Engel [which translated into English means Phone Angel], comes in a black box with a loudspeaker that is placed on top of the grave. It runs on a battery that lasts for at least twelve months, and the inventor claims that the sound quality is excellent. I’m not sure who exactly this is going to benefit, unless there have been some recent innovations in the field of decomposition audio that I’m not aware of.

If all of this isn’t enough, wait until you hear how much it’s going to cost you, ok, hopefully not you to get your hands on one of your very own.

It will set you back €1495, which is a cool $2407.47 Canadian but thankfully, well sort of, you can return the unit within 18 months if for some reason you aren’t happy with it and get a €50 [$80.52 Canadian] refund. Isn’t that nice?

A Joke that Tells Itself

Just read this and think about it for a second.

Aphasia Program – provides a follow-up to speech therapy for people who have Aphasia (communication difficulty) due to a stroke. Participants work at strengthening
communication skills through this goals-based program. To access the Aphasia Program call us.

Somebody should really email these people. It might have to be me.

What Is Hell

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a university chemistry exam. The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state: that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1.If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2.If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you”, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct … leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY “A”!!!

Oh My God!

On the news just now there was a story about jury selection beginning in Michael Jackson’s child molestation trial. the bulk of the report however focused on all of the fans who had come from far and wide to support him and to catch a glimpse of him. There was 1 guy from Tennessee who was described as a life long Jackson fan who actually quit his job and moved to California so that he could be there for the trial from beginning to end. I’ll let other people take care of making fun of him and instead I’ll just ask a question since nothing I could possibly say could be any more entertaining than what you’ve already read. What…the…fuck?

He’s Not Everclear But You Can Hear Him On The AM Radio

Tonight our good friend Roland from
Salty Ham
will be making his first ever radio appearance, cohosting the evening show on
SportsRadio 1310 The Ticket in Dallas Texas.

He’ll be on from 7 to 11 PM Central time which is 9 PM to 12 AM Eastern and you can listen live by going to the station’s website which is linked above
and again here.

Good luck to you my friend and remember, there’s no need to be nervous. Radio is exactly like carrying on a normal conversation, accept that there are microphones right in your face and thousands of people listening to you all over the state of Texas in their homes, offices and cars, and thousands more listening in via the world wide web. Other than that, it’s exactly the same. Seriously, it’s nothing to get nervous about. Just lighten up, be yourself, and have fun with it and you’ll be fine.

More Legalized Robbery

Well, a while back I bitched about how ya had to pay 30 bucks to graduate. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut. Maybe I should have been content with that amount.

Now I find out that, after I’ve put all this hard work into having a major in Psychology and a minor in French, all my certificate will say is “Bachelor of Arts, Honours.” No mention of my major and minor, specialization, what specialization. In order to do that, I have to pay another 80 dollars, $80! Yes, you saw that correctly. Near 3 times the fee for gown rental, the printing of the first parchment, a spot in the ceremony, just to print another parchment that shows my specializations. How about I save you the trouble, asshole. Here’s a pen. Just write on it major psychology, minor French and I’ll be on my way. What? You won’t? How about I just stand here and tell everyone else behind me in line about this disgusting robbery. How about I make your life a living hell until you do? Ok not that far, but it really pisses me off that I feel like they have me by the balls if I had any if I want something that reflects what I’ve worked for.

Here’s the second kicker. When I filled out the graduation application, it had a checkbox that said BA honours, Psychology french. Why do you care if you’re not going to put it on the fucking parchment?

And here’s the final one. They force you to declare a major at the very least. If you don’t, you have to be readmitted. And then at the end of it all, they won’t print it on the damn certificate? How hard is it to write a few more words on the damn parchment!

Believe me, I’m writing a letter to the editor of the student newspaper to this effect, only less peppered with swearing, but I don’t think I’ll make any waves. I’d like to believe I have power, but since I don’t know anyone in high places, I might as well either cough up the 80 bucks or get someone with a real good pen to make the changes for me. It just disgusts me, and even more disgusting is that they don’t make this fact widely known.

So if anyone’s graduating from college or university soon, make sure you know what’s going to be on your parchment. Don’t get cheated!

Pick up the Phone. No, Don’t.

I think it’s time for another lesson in phone ettiquet. After last night, I think it’s good to have a little preventative medicine.

Remember Steve’s first lesson? Well, here’s an adendum. There are certain times, after which, unless I’m expecting your call, please don’t do it. This is because I’m sleeping most likely. Ok, if there’s an urgent reason for your call, then by all means, call me. Or, if there’s something you just need to tell me, call me and leave a message and then, leave me alone until morning! 4:00 a.m. is not a swell time for a grand old chat, and it’s especially not a swell time to call me 9 times in a row over the course of an hour and a half! And if you really needed me that badly, it would be advisable to not leave me 3 rambling messages about how you just wanted to talk, and 4 hang up messages on my machine. Tell me what in the good holy blue hell is going on that would provoke you to call me 9 times in a row at such an ungodly hour!

Ok, class dismissed. I hope you took good notes.