The Great Non-Robbery Robbery That Was A Robbery But Wasn’t Or At Least Shouldn’t Be, You Know What I Mean?

Dominyk Alfonseca definitely handed a bank teller a robbery note. She definitely put money on the counter for him. He was definitely arrested with a bag full of cash. We know these things are definites because he posted photos and videos on his Instagram of all but one of those things happening and admits to that last one in an interview. Yet in spite of all this, a robbery was definitely not committed, he says. This is because…um…you know what, I’m letting him explain it, because dude be crazy.

“For real, I didn’t even do it for money, you understand? I didn’t do that for money. I knew my page would get exposure,” explained Dominyk Alfonseca as he sat in the Virginia Beach Correctional Center Wednesday.

“No threats in it. If you see me in the video or whatever like that, I have a shirt on — no weapon, no mask — and she passes me the money,” said Alfonseca. “I don’t want to get her in trouble. Maybe she made a mistake. Maybe she made a mistake, and I didn’t make a mistake.”
Alfonseca, who drifted off topic several times during the interview, said he hoped by posting the items to Instagram, he would get the attention of certain people, some of whom had stolen ideas from him during the course of several years. Exactly what he hoped to accomplish once he had their attention, he wouldn’t specify.

No one who had stolen ideas from him could be reached for comment, as all of the mental institutions and cemeteries in the area have strict no interviews policies.

But anyway, that doesn’t matter. What’s truly important is that if there are any criminals here, they’re not him. They’re the ones who took him down, man.

“‘Get down! Get down in the dirt!'” Alfonseca recalled were one officer’s words to him. “I was like, ‘All right. Cool.’ So, I got down.”
Alfonseca added, “For real, I felt like I got robbed, ’cause they gave me the money. Then, the police robbed my brain,” he stated.

That’s what you’d call a negative cash flow robbery, I suspect.

Now that he’s in jail, how does he feel about his chances of going free?

As far as the crime for which he is charged, Alfonseca said, “Everything is relative, you know what I mean? It’s however you want to take it. I’m telling you why I did what I did, you know what I mean? But if justice is served in that thing, then I think justice shall be served all around.”

You know what? I’m not even going to pretend I know what he means. What I will do, however, is refer back to the issue of This Is True where I read about him initially for his entirely more lucid yet still completely nonsensical theory on why no court would convict him.

“I posted the video on my Instagram,” he said. “I videotaped it. If it was a robbery, I don’t think I would videotape it, post the picture of the letter and do that all to come to jail.”

Yes, the old “Who could possibly be that stupid?” defense.

True also does those of us who can’t see the image of his note the solid of describing it.

“I need 150,000 [dollars] right NOW!!” the note started. “Please.” A couple places on the notes even included smiley emoticons.

Well hey. If they’re not biting on the she gave me money because she wanted to theory, why not take a stab at at least I was nice about it, I suppose.

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