Toss Those Crabs

Crabs absolutely don’t belong on TTC seats.

We know this because the Toronto Transit Commission had to issue a statement saying as much this week after someone brought a few on a train ride.

Why? Who knows? It could be, as this tweet suggests, simply “because Toronto.”

By the way, props to the TTC for making the obvious crabs joke. It seems like the sort of thing most businesses would shy away from nowadays for fear of making themselves look bad or offending one asshole with a Twitter account.

“People have complained that they’ve gotten or seen crabs on the subway before, but not the crustacean type,” he quipped, adding that crabs absolutely don’t belong on TTC seats. 
“We know that crabs do not belong on seats, they belong in buckets,” he said. “Even if those crabs come with some hot drawn butter and a bib, you can’t put crabs on a seat.”
And for anyone who might argue that the crustaceans might be for “emotional support” or “therapy crabs,” he said, they still shouldn’t be occupying seats, calling that nothing less than “shellfish beviour.”

I don’t normally post anything on Facebook, but I felt an intense desire to share this TTC story with y’all:
There was a man sitting on the subway on my way home the other day with 4 live crabs sitting on the surrounding seats.
Pretty casual stuff on a jam packed train.
Then a girl walked by, thinking there was a free seat, saw the crabs, let out a small shocked scream, and kept walking. About 30 seconds later she comes storming back and became a real effing hero:
“What is this shit?!? What is this?!? Crabs on the seats? So no one can sit down?!? All these people standing here tired after working all day? What’s that? Oh you paid for their seats? You paid 2 dollars extra so they can have seats?!?”
Then she smacked each crab off the seats so hard that they landed in someone’s lap and on another person’s feet and stormed off. It was an incredible display of effing balls, man. Everyone was just standing around, holding their breaths, waiting to see how this guy was going to react.
There was some expletive verbal abuse along with, “That’s crab assault, man! She just assaulted the crabs! And the lady that got hit with the crabs! That’s an assault on the lady and the crabs! That’s assault man!”
Then he just picked up the crabs, which are currently flaying around on the floor, and put them back on their seats.
The end.

I feel fairly confident saying that whoever this guy is, I would hate him so much more than the dudes playing nothing but Despacito on accordions.

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1 Comment

  1. Man, I’m glad I wasn’t there, I so might have sat on one of the crabs by accident thinking the seat was empty. Hell, Shmans doesn’t even get a seat on the bus. She has to sit on the floor, avoiding people’s swinging backpacks, guitars, buckles on backpacks, etc.

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