I Have The Meats…And Some Odd Rectal Issues

I’m not sure where to start here, so we’ll just pick it up from the part where police in Florida were called to an area near a Speedway convenience store to deal with a naked fellow who was standing on the side of the road and yelling at a woman for some reason. That winds up being the most normal thing about this.

Upon arriving at the scene, officers encountered Jason Roach, with whom they were already familiar. The 40-year-old Roach, cops reported, had been questioned twice the prior evening in connection with alleged masturbation incidents at an Arby’s restaurant and a Wawa convenience store.
In both instances, Roach “stopped and went on his way,” according to a court filing. The third time, however, was not the charm.
A witness told police that Roach “was naked and touching himself in the motion of masturbating” while near the Speedway around 6 AM.
When questioned about his activities, Roach reportedly said that he “was having issues with his rectum and in order to get rid of that pain he has to ejaculate.”

You ever been in one of those situations where you have a million questions but you want answers to 0 of them? That’s me right now.

It also may have been the cops, because if there was a further clinical explanation for this weird ass condition of his (that works in a couple of ways if you say it out loud) or if maybe the woman he was screaming at was a doctor who wasn’t helping him fast enough, none of it was reported.

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