Porno Karaoke

Just heard this on the news and got a kick out of it so I thought I’d pass it on to all of you.

In Germany right now the latest new trend is something that from German to English pretty much translates in to Porno Karaoke.

The idea is very simple. Its done at karaoke bars there and a male and a female pair will go up on stage and take a microphone. A porno DVD is then slid in to the player. The script of the two “actors” carrying out these wonderful films then comes up on the screen for the two (most likely wasted) volunteers to recite. Everything from words, to sounds, to grunts come across the screen for the two to try and replicate.

At the end of the night, the people in the bar vote on who had the most convincing performance. However its probably more accurate to say that the real winners are the friends of those who got drunk enough to do it, as they had the most entertainment and something to black-male their friends with down the road, should the need arise.

Grunt away, everyone.

I Miss The Ninja Turtles… So Here They Are

Well it’s been a slow day for posting so here’s something to keep you all of my back! I kinda like all this old stuff. So here’s a neat little commentary on the most famous episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ever done (arguably). And this is back when the Turtles were cool. The classics that we all loved. Not the new lame Turtles that I’m ashamed to see. They’ve wrecked it, but i digress. Enjoy all.

Many would assume that the original appeal of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles stemmed only from the heroes themselves, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. At heart, those toitles became pretty boring once you got used to their pizza eating and karate styling. For the toon to have lasted as long as it did, they certainly needed to beef things up. No, I’m not talking about that damn rat or leggy, yellow-clad news reporters. With TMNT, at least for me, it was all about the villains.

Shredder might’ve been the top card, and his mutant minions might’ve supplied most of the show’s comic relief, but the real soul of the Technodrome was a bubbly pink alien brain named Krang. In terms of animated characters, they didn’t come any more unique or creative as this guy — the former warlord of another dimension, banished from his home and even his body, Krang added a delightful sci-fi edge to the show. Whether by cackling at his own jokes or creating lasers capable of blowing up the planet, Krang helped his surrounding characters lead much more interesting lives, however fictitious those lives may have been. Personally, I like think the whole show was based on some obscure true story. This is mainly because I don’t like living in a world that doesn’t really have its own Krang. He was a damn popular character, so I can’t be alone.

Today, we’re going to look at one of the more famous episodes in TMNT history, back before it degenerated completely into show after show of puns and general goofiness. Believe it or not, the first season was actually very well written, all things considered. There’s an amazing continuity to it — the characters referenced tiny things that happened five episodes prior, and for a cartoon that was more or less just a vehicle to sell ten trillion action figures, the writers were putting some serious effort into it. While the hardcore fans always complained about the changes made in the transition from the much darker comic series, I was just one of the elemementary schoolers who couldn’t get enough of these afternoon adventures. This episode, titled ‘The Shredder Is Splintered,’ goes a long way in proving just how in-depth those first few seasons were. More importantly, it’s where that cool, disembodied brain finally found a body to call his own.

Oh, I’ll only be focusing on the Krang-centric bits of the story, basically because I’m in a very Krang-centric mood today. It happens a little more often than I care to admit. So, at this point, Shredder’s been defeated by the Turtles a few times. His new mutant goons haven’t been able to put a dent in their victory record, either. Even with the aid of Krang’s varied alien doodads, Shredder’s getting nowhere. He can’t conquer Earth until he murders our heroes, and after weeks and weeks of Krang’s incessant begging, Shred’s finally agreed to supply him with a new body. I remember being thoroughly worried that this would put an end to the great ‘pink brain’ look, but the end results put my fears to rest. More on that in a few minutes.

Anyway, look at that picture above — that’s one of your star characters, folks. How anyone could deny that a show featuring a talking brain that leaves puddles of bodily fluids wherever it sits isn’t fantastic is beyond me. Krang implores Shredder to add a microchip to his new body that’ll grant him enough superpowers to finally take down the Turtles. In previous episodes, Shredder was more than a little concerned with Krang rebelling upon receipt of a new pair of legs, but since the situation’s gotten so desperate, he’s got no choice.

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For those new to the lore, yes, that’s Shredder. With a helmet I’ve tried countless times to recreate out of cardboard and tin foil, Shredder waltzes over to the sheet-covered Krang Body and fits the chip inside. It’s not as arduous a process as you might think — he kinda just lodges it into the android body’s shoulderblade. I’m not sure where Shredder – formerly a ninja who devoted his entire life to hand-to-hand combat studies – picked up all of this technical know-how, but for the sake of Krang getting some working hands again, I’ll forgive the oversight.

By the way, these older episodes are nowhere near as goofy and comical as the zillions that came later — obviously, they were still meant for kids, but there was enough maturity to at least pull it to a middle school level. Sadly, there wasn’t enough maturity to pull it to the level where I’m not slightly embarrassed spending so much time writing about it in my mid 20s, but sticks and stones and all that shit. Point is, it was such a different show back then than even I remembered typically watching — still fun and lighthearted, but if TMNT was live action with the same exact scripts, I guarantee you older guys and gals would’ve been just as into it. Duh. Live action talking pink brain. Who wouldn’t be into that?

In the moment of truth, Shredder picks up the slimy thing and places Krang in the gastric section of his new threads. While Krang fits himself into place, Shred flicks one of the Technodrome’s 40,000 oversized switches, causing an indoor lightning storm that’s apparently meant to result in the brain becoming one with the android. “It’s alive…IT’S ALIVE” sounds so much better coming from a voice artist desperately trying to fake a tinge of Japanese heritage, and finally, Krang wakens in his new form and prepares to take over the world. Or beat up Turtles. Or both. Something villainous.

Solidifying TMNT as one of the greatest shows to ever air, take a look at Krang’s new body. A big fat bald guy in red panties, wearing sunglasses, with a friggin’ talking brain in its stomach. Find me another character anywhere that even approaches that kind of offbeat appeal. He’s a walking trainwreck – you can’t help but look, over and over again, and you’ve got no recourse against being totally infatuated. The new body is more like a car for Krang — it’s got no mind of its own, with our brainy friend merely using a head-side control system to maneuver it around the Technodrome. Outside of bugs that intentionally land on bug-frying light bulbs, it’s the most ridiculous and beautiful thing I think I’ve ever seen.

Krang’s body is loaded with extras gizmos and weapons, too. His hand, for example, can switch off to a pair of violently silver shears. They seemed to neglect this aspect of his powers in later episodes, or maybe Krang just forgot that he could do that. Gloriously, the body’s head mimics Krang’s emotions perfectly — when Krang screams, the android’s mouth drop opens and starts fumbling into shiver territory. Shredder really pulled out all the stops with this thing. Though, I do tend to wonder if Krang’s original blueprint called for his new body to look like a big fat naked guy. I know alien tastes can differ, but could that be chic on any planet?

It gets better, and by better I mean, ‘more inane.’ See, Krang’s installed this giant television screen in the Technodrome that doubles as a portal to his homeworld of Dimension X. In said dimension, a legion of creatures made of rock await their old lord’s orders. So, not only is Krang a big pink brain with eyes — he’s a big pink brain with eyes who commands a troop of rock monsters in military helmets. Just when you thought you’d pegged him down, Krang blasts back with more insanity. Dimension X, by the way, is more like a big red room than an actual dimension — everyone kinda just floats around aimlessly, covered in darkroom lights with nothing to do but wait for Krang’s phone calls. But you know, if I thought Krang might be calling, I’d wait by the phone too.

Leading this group of granite warriors is ‘General Traag’ — basically the same as all the others, but at least he had a name. He’s also the only rock creature to have his own action figure, which was appropriately blunt and heavy enough to break through a plate glass window. I speak from experience, unless I’m just lying. Either way, I threw it at my dog once, who responded by literally barking out ‘roo raffe ree rah ronrussion!’ It died soon after, I got a hamster the following week. Yeah, um, Traag and friends are waiting in Dimension X for Krang to send the order — once he does, they’ll come over to Earth and kill all of us. At least I’m pretty sure that’s what was said — hard to tell with that engaging moving crimson air all over the television set.

Almost forgot that this show was about Ninja Turtles — there they are, ready to take down Krang. Unfortunately, Krang’s new superchip allows him to alter his molecular structure. This means he can grow himself to heights previously reserved for volcanoes and basketball players. Krang’s newly found size capabilities mean serious trouble for our green heroes, who were just about to enter the Technodrome for the, hah, ‘final battle.’ The toon had many final battles — by my math, eight per episode. This would be their 3rd or 4th final battle, and while it ain’t the first or the last, it’s the only one where Krang is shown being 400 feet tall. That makes it special. Told you Krang kicked ass.

See? See what I mean? Where else are ya gonna find four mutant turtles who know karate getting chased by a Godzilla-sized bald, naked robot with a big pink talking brain in its stomach? Nowhere, positively nowhere. At least give TMNT credit for cornering some new markets.

Donatello magically deduces that Krang’s size must be the result of an alien microchip hidden somewhere in his robot torso, so following suit with this particular episode’s trend of being completely surreal, the Turtles unstitch Krang’s shoulder and go inside his body. Fantastic. After searching through the various giant bolts and levers, they finally locate the unholy microchip. Once Donatello whacks it to pieces with his trusty broomstick, the Turtles make a narrow escape as Krang quickly reverts back to his almost kind of normal size. My fantasies lent an entirely different ending to this scene, but I doubt they could show it on television.

Still, the battle isn’t quite over yet. There’s still the small matter of those fifty-thousand rock soldiers from Dimension X waiting to assault Earth. Just as they arrive, the Turtles manage to hit one of the Technodrome’s pitifully self-defeatist buttons, this specific one causing the portal to suck things in instead of the other way around. Within moments, all the stupid rock guys find themselves back in their shitty, boring red homeworld. That’s not all, though — the portal goes absolutely batshit, sucking in way more than General Traag’s army…

Admittedly, it’s a pretty piss poor showing for Krang’s first appearance in his new body. You’d think they would’ve given the guy a small taste of victory, if only to convince all the kids watching that the villains actually had a chance of winning once in a while. Instead, all poor Krang gets is a few minutes to look menacing before being totally trashed. In this case, everything in the Technodrome gets pulled into the portal, and finally, so does the entire structure itself. The Turtles manage to flee, because in the context of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, turtles are extremely, extremely fast.

This leads to a little development that lasted for quite a stretch of episodes. That’s the great thing about the first few seasons of the show — there were actual storylines that weren’t forgotten the next time you watched it. In an effort to switch things up and alternate some new characters into the mix, they threw the ol’ Technodrome right into Dimension X…

See, told you. Would I lie?

Krang’s happy with their new location, while Shredder insists that they go back to Earth. But that’s the funny thing about Dimension X — Krang’s pretty much God there. He calls the shots, and calls them with the kind of style only a disgusting, disembodied brain could. After explaining to Shredder that he’s the new boss, Krang revels in the opportunity to do, I dunno, whatever it is people do in Dimension X. I guess they mostly just float around and develop film.

By the next episode, Shredder’s pestilent begging finally paid off. Krang ships him back to Earth, though without his goons and usual equipment. The next few shows revolved around Shredder attempting to take down the Green Menace with only his wits, and some help from a grungy professor who keeps calling him ‘master.’ To give you an idea of the entertainment provided by TMNT, the grungy professor is ultimately mutated into a human fly who raids warehouses for piles of sugar. Christ, I forgot how much I loved this show.

Oh, there’s one more notable thingy about The Shredder Is Splintered…

We get to see Shredder without his trademark faceplate. I guess you really have to be into this shit to be excited about that, but hey, I’m really into this shit.

Overall: I’ve only reviewed a few eps of TMNT on the site over the years, but this is easily one of my faves from the entire series — and that’s a pretty lengthy series we’re talking about. As the seasons progressed, the show went backwards, apparently deciding that its true calling was to entertain three-year-olds and three-year-olds only. My point? There’s a new Ninja Turtles cartoon on now, and a lot of people seem to take issue with its lack of aliens and all the other crap that made the original famous. Don’t be so hard on it, though — in today’s culture, animated programs really aren’t just meant for kids anymore. The writers, producers and animators all realized the market of idiot adults, myself included, willing to sit through twenty-minute toy commercials as often as possible. TMNT’s new show might be missing some of the vintage hallmarks, but at least they aren’t limiting the heroes to toilet jokes and background cymbal crash sound effects, Be thankful for that, and going back a bit further – be thankful for Krang.

Life Is A Highway

I’m not sure why I hate that song so much, but I do. It’s not even like I can’t stand Tom Cochrane or anything either. He’s done a lot of stuff that I really like, just that song gets on my fucking nerves for some reason that I can’t really put my finger on. It’s not because they overplayed it and believe me, they did. Not sure about in other countries but here it was one of those songs that got radio play on the level of just about every shitty pop song today on corporate radio stations and this was back in an era where things weren’t nearly as bad as they are now.

It’s not because I’m just trying to be cool by hating things that everybody else seems to like, I’m above that. I’m all about hating things because they deserve to be hated, things like Life Is A Highway for instance. But I’m starting to think that somebody out there hates me. I just changed the station to get away from this song about 5 minutes ago and after the big commercial break, what do you think comes on? Yeah, it’s that.

I don’t even hate it because it’s a repetitive annoying song, which it is. Maybe it’s just too happy or something. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about happy party songs but there’s a direct link between happy songs and their annoyance level that somebody really needs to study to help out future generations of musicians.

I can’t even say that it’s a case of just getting sick of a song that never used to bother me. Even when this song first came out, I hated it. It bugged the shit out of me for the same unexplainable reasons. I guess the more things change, the more Life Is A Highway still sucks.

So the bottom line is that I’ve written all this, wasted everybody’s time including my own and I’m still struggling to figure out why I can’t stand this damn song. At least now more people know how I feel which I suppose is really the point when I stop and think about it. And hey, if you’re another Highway Hater at least now you know that you’re not alone. I’m with you, brothers and sisters! We’ll never be able to unite and vanquish this song from the universe but it can still be heartening to know that there are more of us out there, even in a mad mad world where people like crap. Remember, no matter what they try to force on us, we’ll never be washed away, we’ll refuse to sink like a sunset and I’m not sure about the rest of you, but for that, I have no regrets.


I’m Hatin It

I was thinking about posting a big rant about how much I hate those new McDonald’s commercials and that hideous i’m lovin it slogan,
but then I found this which sums up my feelings on the matter better than I ever could,
which is cool because it saves me some time. Read that and then think really hard before you buy another hamburger from a place that can put out ads that stupid.


Hello again all you little vomiteers.

By the way, do you like being called vomiteers? I hope so, because you’ve been dubbed a vomiteer. If you don’t like it, LEAVE! Ya, that’s right, just go… ya, we won’t miss ya. Bye.
Oh god i’m sorry. Please come back. We need you, we’d miss you. We can’t lose visitors. Umm, here, have a cookie.

So we’ve got the links starting to come up over there on the right side. Some cool stuff there we think you should check out. There will be more to come soon too. Cuz it’s LINKS, baby. That’s where the big money is for us. Well, that’s where there’s some money.. we hope. Do you think there’s money? Can you lend me 37 cents, please? I have no money.

Anyway, if you’ve got got anything that you’d like to see added to the links section go ahead and let us know. We’re always lookin’ for cool new stuff to plug and check out for ourselves. You can either drop a comment below or shoot me an e-mail or even that other loser that works here. Haha. Like how I said worked? I DO THE WORK HERE FOR YOU INGRATES!!! and i had better not get one e-mail or comment regarding the spelling of ingrate.

Now get out of my sight. You make me sick.

Oh Man! I Hope You’re Bored

Hey all, in continuing with the halloween trend we started with the Grinch, I’ve got some more good stuff for ya. If you remember the Super Mario Brothers Super Show from the very early 90’s, you’ll get a kick out of this. It’s stupid, it’s lame, but it’s your childhood.

By the way, most of these are coming from good ol’ You should go check it out. I’ll be bringin’ the best stuff over here, so don’t worry if you too scared to leave this nice comfortable site and go out onto the big scarey internet. We got ya covered.

There Steve, you lousy pile of unpleasantness. I linked. GET OFF MY BACK!!!!

Enough from me… Bring on Mario!!!

Looking back on “The Super Mario Bros. Super Show,” it’s arguably the most idiotic program I’ve ever been devoted to. Of course, it didn’t seem that way then, and yet, the now apparent idiocy running insanely rampant on the series only adds to its charm. Where else were you going to find a pro-wrestling manager dressed up like Nintendo’s most popular hero? Where else were you going to see a live-action Mario and Luigi rap, dance, and parlay all from the sanctity of the lower level Mexican pawn shop they lived in? Looking back at it now, the show plays out more like some strange performing art I’m this close to understanding, but not quite there yet. The cartoon portions of the show were fun, but nothing out of the ordinary. Lou Albano and Danny Wells’ portrayal of Mario and Luigi was something else entirely, and try as I might, there’s no good way to describe it. You just had to be there.

A reader was nice enough to send me a video full of old episodes taped off television, and I was elated to see that there were a couple of shows that fit in perfectly with the Halloween season. Okay, not perfectly, but if you stretched and yanked, lied, cheated, and twisted a few of the facts, YES — these are the “Halloween episodes” of “The Super Mario Bros. Super Show.” For those who don’t remember, most of the live action skits involved a house guest dropping in on the plumbers. From what I remember, these guests ran the gamut from Albano’s pro-wrestling buddies to Elvis lookalikes to Danica McKellar from “The Wonder Years” — you just never knew who was going to show up.

Today, we take a look at two of the spookier episodes. Two new guests, two new sets of horrors, two plumbers, and a screencap quality so shitty I feel obligated to apologize in advance for it. Sorry! I’ve cut out the cartoon portions of the show from these mini-reviews, in part because they’re not Halloweeny, but mostly because I loved the color scheme of post-fireflower Mario’s outfit way too much to make fun of it. I’ve also chucked in five mini-reviews of the ads that aired during SMBSS’s commercial breaks, as they’ll tell the tale of the time period a lot better than me just saying “stuff’s from the early 90s!” Okay, longwinded intro done — let’s get started. Our first spooky guest will be familiar to anyone who’s seen Amy Monkey chase away the gray gorillas or a bunch of naked prison inmates on HBO. And oh yeah, he’s a Ghostbuster, too…

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That’s right — Ernie Hudson. I’m guessing his appearance was meant to promote “Ghostbusters II,” not that it took a lot of detective work since he’s wearing the damn outfit and carrying around makeshift GB equipment that seems to have been crafted out of various brooms and saucepans found on the set. To his credit, Hudson doesn’t put on the “I’m too good for this” face we so often see when celebs get stuck with a project like this. It looked like he had fun, and best of all, I’ve never seen Lou Albano so nervous as he was in the presence of today’s special guest. Seriously — this is a guy who used to manage wild Samoans who ate live chickens during wrestling shows, but for whatever reason, Ernie Hudson sends him into a fit of fidgeting silence where he’s quite clearly afraid to make a move. You could argue that this was Albano’s idea of “acting” — after all, there’s supposed to be a ghost hiding in their house during this episode. Look closer and you’ll find the truth. Lou Albano is scared to death of Ernie Hudson.

I’d say that he was subversively trying out for Tim Curry’s role in “Congo,” but really, the screenplay hadn’t even been adapted yet. Look Lou, I tried to make an excuse for you, but there really isn’t one. You have an unnatural fear — a phobia — of Ernie Hudson. The bright side? Someone will probably have to conjure up a name for the disease now that it exists. Winstophobia? Ernsonobia? Cynophobia? Wait, that last one means “fear of rabies.” Did Ernie Hudson have rabies?

Anyway, the episode is titled “Slime Busters,” and yes, Mario’s abode is currently haunted by what you can almost see in the almost completely distorted picture above — a puddle of green muck, topped off with smaller trails of brown muck. Muck seems so much more devastating when it’s two-tone. The puddle, for its part, sporadically chucks pieces of itself at the plumbers’ walls, so the dilemma seems more rooted in cleanliness than in actual ghostliness. Ernie Hudson knocks on the door, and upon entering, Mario hits one of the lines that truly illustrates why this show rocked: “Hey, it’s Ernie Hudson!” Okay, now picture it from Lou Albano trying his damnedest to sound like an Italian plumber. With red overalls on. While a pile of muck is throwing slime at his ass. The scope of showbiz lays an ill-defined meaning on the word “entertainment,” but watching Lou Albano fend off slimeballs while trying to greet Ernie Hudson simultaneously? That’s entertainment.

Ernie uses some of his ghostbustin’ equipment to locate the source of the haunting, and boy, you’d think Columbia would’ve at least let him use some of the actual movie props. Remember that thing Egon used to check the levels of ghastly spirits in a particular area? That little handheld device? Well, Ernie’s got one, only now it’s a modified ping pong paddle, painted black with pieces of raw potato tacked on. Could just be the fuzzy picture, though I’m like 85% sure it was pong and potatoes. Our hero du jour bravely enters one of the many smoke-filled caves littering the plumbers basement, but instead of finding the ghost, he finds…Luigi.

I’ve always had trouble deciding if the Luigi on this show sucked, or if he was just poorly scripted. The laugh-track on SMBSH is at least on par with “Full House” — virtually everything inspires scores of electronic laughter, from Mario scratching his arm to Mario talking about his mother’s spaghetti sauce. The only thing that doesn’t get the requisite laugh-track? Luigi. The poor guy will stand there throwing everything he can at the audience, and nobody will hit that damn button for him. At home, this led us to believe that Luigi was just terminally unfunny; a second fiddle so fiddling secondary that it’d be downright criminal to find any amusement in his antics. Of course, there’s still the other option to consider. Maybe Luigi just sucked.

Though, this time, Luigi’s exploits go well past mere suckage. He’s been possessed by the spirit of the green muck! Waltzing out of the smoky tunnel doing the worst impression of a zombie in history, Luigi sits himself at the table and begins pounding his slime-covered fist down with all the might of a cat being photographed for those feline leukemia collection cans. They even shine green light beams on him to emphasize the point. The scene drags on forever and ever, dispersed between Mario’s animated adventures and a Zelda cartoon, but when push comes to shove and it’s finally time to end the insanity, Ernie knows just what to do. Zap Luigi with a barrage of crude laser effects!

And, it works! Luigi is successfully separated from the ghastly slime, which is now forever trapped in…a trash can lid? God bless the Super Mario Super Show. The ghost even breaks character by speaking, surrendering to Ernie in trade for “being taken away from these two Goombas!” That line, by the way, was followed up by a laugh-track so intense that you’d swear Gallagher just smashed the world’s biggest watermelon while Carrot Top exploded into thirteen smaller Carrot Tops at the same time. Even the ghost trash can lid gets a laugh. Poor, poor Luigi.

The plumbers thank Not-Winston for his help, ending the episode on a high note. Doesn’t this just scream “Halloween?” Okay, maybe not, but the next episode does. Set to a score of ominous chamber music and off-camera howls, our next adventure puts Mario and Luigi in the unenviable position of playing humble hosts to the Prince of Darkness himself. Yes, Dracula was on the Super Mario Super Show. For what it’s worth, so was Sergeant Slaughter. It’s not that odd.

His name? “Count Zoltan Dracula.” His game? CHECKERS. Actually, it’s a pretty good representation of the classic Dracula, with everything from the Widow’s Peak to the Converse sneakers faithfully covered. Drac’s played by a guy named Jim Ward, who hasn’t had many live action roles, but boasts a lengthy resume nonetheless with years worth of voicework for cartoons and video games. I just hope he didn’t see this little role as his doorway to something bigger, because even ten years later, he still wasn’t doing much more than voicing “The Announcer” for episodes of “Hey Arnold!” But hey — the guy’s made a living throwing silly voices into a microphone, and that’s way more impressive than what most of us got going. The episode is titled “Bats in the Basement,” but 2-to-1, you probably could’ve guessed that anyway.

The tape became even more fuzzy than usual during the opening sequence, but from what I could tell, Mario and Luigi were supposed to fix up a coffin. The roll it into place, but not before rolling it around in circles for a few minutes in a scene that wasn’t even passingly explained or justified, and only seems to be there as a way to confuse and possibly hypnotize children into obsessively buying anything with Mario, Luigi, or Dracula’s likeness on it. You might think I’m reaching, but this is coming from someone with two boxes of leftover Super Mario Ice Cream stock and at least fifty Bela Lugosi lobby cards — oddly, both items work together nicely; the ice cream as lunch, the glossy pictures as napkins. I’m not insane, I’m just tormented by the spinning oh so endlessly spinning Dracula coffin. Thanks, Mario. I’d thank Luigi too, but, you know, he sucks.

Of course, neither plumber is privy to the fact that this here coffin is populated, and actually, I’m not sure they even realize it’s a coffin. It’s a comedy show meant for six-year-olds, true, but why did they have to paint Mario and Luigi as such morons? They didn’t do that in the animated portions, so what gives? Is Mario just inherently funnier when stupid, or was it just too hard to script the character in a live action motif as anything but that? They should be handing Albano shells to throw around and bricks to smack his head into, not spinning coffins and Ernie Hudson. Then again, fans probably wouldn’t remember the show so well if the plumbers weren’t so dumb. What’s more memorable — a fat Mario pratfalling into puddles of slime, or a fat Mario solving the NY Times’ crossword? Shit, I think I just made an argument against my point. “What’s seven letters for flightless running bird?” would leave an impression, at least coming from Cap’n Fucking Lou Albano.

Within moments, Dracula reveals himself and tells the plumbers to wake him at night. It takes Mario two full animated segments to realize that the guy’s a vampire. (there’s even a scene with Luigi inspecting his blood-smeared clothes, deciding that he has a poor dry cleaner) Apparently, the episode is meant to take place over the span of a few weeks, with Dracula acting as the houseguest from Hell. His stuff is all over the basement, he’s in and out during all hours of the night, and though it’s more implied than outright said, he smells like shit. Our pals try to figure out how to get rid of him, but they keep getting interrupted by more cartoons and commercial breaks. Albano shaved his trademark beard for this? Danny Wells sacrificed his entire post-Luigi career for that? Jim Ward…eh, actually, he made out okay on the deal.

In the final moments, the boys consult a book on how to rid themselves of vampire guests, but it’s peppered with pasta recipes. Mario: “Drive a stake through his heart? That’s 4.99 a pound!” Cue laugh-track. Dracula returns from his nightly prowl, and is more than a little disappointed in how his “friends” are handling things. Drac explains that the best way to get rid of a vampire is to just ask. With that, he vanishes into the darkness, though not before a short clip showing him dancing with the plumbers. I believe the episode was meant more to capitalize on “Bram Stoker’s Dracula” than the Halloween season, explaining why there were so many Christmas commercials during the breaks.

There were a few other “spooky themed” episodes of the show, though I don’t have ’em on video. Sorry x2. Mario’s still picking up new fans as we speak, and if you’re one of them, I strongly recommend tracking down this junk. It’s absolutely surreal to see, and I can only imagine how unbelievable it’d seem to someone who wasn’t watching during the show’s heyday. The videos have obviously been discontinued by this point, but they’re not tough to find. You might even get lucky and find a few eps up for download on the web — it’s worth the hunt, trust me. “Captain N, The Game Master” seems to be the most championed of the ol’ NES toons, but this one will stick to your brains with eight times the voracity. Eight times! Mostly fun and always harmless, I looked forward to nothing more during my grade school days that coming home and settling in for a 4:30 PM visit with my favorite video game characters brought to life. Pretty stupid on the whole, but that’s half the appeal. The other half stems from watching Luigi cringe when nobody laughs at him. Actually, the appeal is more 60/40 in favor of that. Poor sucky Luigi.

Safe! What The Hell Is Safe?

The big news in the GTA right now is another child obduction. 9 yr old Cecilia Zhang was taken right out of her room at home sometimbe before 8am Monday morning. Cecilia is 9 years old, of Asian descent, 4 feet 11 inches tall, and weighs 70 pounds. Cecilia speaks English well and has shoulder length strait black hair with blonde highlights. She was last seen at her home in North York around the 404 and Finch area. I’m by no means a news reporter so check out 680 News’s site for the full details by clicking here.

But that’s not what I wanted to write about. This poor young girl was lifted strait from her very own BEDROOM! This entire thing screams Holly Jones all over again except with the Holly Jones case, it was that she had been lifted off the street. Something that people are still sick about, but can at least understand and protect against. How do you protect your kids in their very own bedroom?

What would you like to do, seel their windows, now? Well that’s great for keeping people out, it’s also great for keeping them in when their door is blocked by a house fire.

I’m not sure how long they’ve been out but they’re becoming more and more common lately. They’re tags that you can put on the window of your childs bedroom to tell firemen and rescue workers where young children are when they show up to the house so they can be helped first. Guess what else it does? “Hey Mr Perverse Child Obductor… this is where my kids are. Come on in!”

I won’t criticize any parent for having something like this in place as its their heart is truly in the right place. We shouldn’t have to worry about something like this helping a sex-offender, but we do.

Reports say that the Zhang family had these in place and it very well could have contributed to what has happened.

Do I have answer? No. I don’t have an answer for society’s biggest problem, the perverse sons of bitchs with child interest.

I just thought it was a sad, statement on the world we live in where something designed to do so much good has potential to do so much evil.

Take Care Of Yourselves, And Each Other.

Y’all Cut It Out

Oh, now come on. I guess we all knew this would happen. Idiocy on the comment board already. I guess this is what happens when you trust people to be sane! lol. The boards stay up but please use them like a normal human being. I’m speaking to a few select people here. They are strictly for commenting on what has been posted here, or asking a few questions or chiming in with something you’d like to see posted or you’d like to know. NOT FOR PERSONAL GAIN and… I’m not even sure what to call that last display of ramblings. Rest assured it won’t be tollerated here. It is quite simple to block individual users and its even simpler to pull down the comment board all together.

Have A Lovely Day!
Sincerely, THE POWERS THAT BE!!!

These Are A Few Of My Favourite Things

Well, the Leafs are losing in the second period and that doesn’t look like it’s going to be changing any time soon, RAW hasn’t started yet and supper isn’t quite ready so it’s time to ramble on for a bit. I thought that since music is a fairly frequent topic around here that I’d take a minute and tell you about the last few CD’s that I’ve picked up.

Fountains Of Wayne, “Welcome Interstate Managers.”
I haven’t had a chance to give this one the full attention it deserves yet but what I’ve heard so far I’m very impressed with which doesn’t really surprise me since they are who they are. There’s just something about those guys, the way they write songs, the way they structure their music, the way they say things that just makes you have to like them. Besides, this album has Stacy’s Mom on it and that song is just cool as all hell.

*Jesus H Christ, the Islanders just got themselves another goal.*

Motion City Soundtrack, “I Am The Movie.”
If you own a copy of Punk-O-Rama 8 you’ll know who these guys are and just in case you can’t place the name, they’re the ones who do the song “Don’t Call It A Comeback” which I believe is on CD 1. I first got hooked on these guys when the radio station I do my show for got an advanced copy of this album and I just happened to find it one day. Thanks Epitaph! I’ve heard this album described by somebody as “catchy as hell” and I’d say that’s a pretty accurate assessment. A couple of the standout tracks on the CD are “don’t Call It A Comeback” which I mentioned before and my personal favourite, “Capital H.” That song just makes you wanna get up and move around and you’ll be singing that chorus for days and days.

Weird Al, “Poodle Hat.”
What can I say, it’s Weird Al! It’s also a really solid album both musicly and comedicly if the Al style of parody is your thing. If it’s not, it should be. Even the tracks on this album that I’m not particularly fond of I can think of something nice to say about. In most cases it would be “wow, he put a lot of work into his arangements and harmonies here and the band is fantastic.” One example of this is “Genius In France” which goes on way too long and makes the same point far too many times. It’s one of those situations where you realize that the song should have ended about 3 minutes earlier but the way the music is laid out makes you not really mind that so much. On the other end of the spectrum we have songs like “A Complicated Song,” which is an absolutely hilarious spoof on “complicated” by Avril somethingorother, and “EBay,” a takeoff on “I Want It That Way” by the Backstreet Boys. When somebody can make A BSB’s song enjoyable, you know he’s good. By the way Matt, I want my CD back. And I mean my Al CD, before any of you get any crazy ideas in your heads.

Frenzal Rhomb, “Sans Souci.”
Ok, so I don’t actually have this one yet, but it’s just a walk to the store away from being mine. I listened to this one before I bought it through a friend who has it and really enjoyed it. that and the fact that I just plain like Frenzal Rhomb was enough to get me to buy it. It’s put out by Fat Wreck Chords, one of the best punk labels going. Just
check out the site and the names they have signed
and you’ll know why I say that. It’s hard to pick one track from this disc that I’d call a standout and if you listen to it you’ll know why. And if you don’t listen to it, the reason is simply because it’s Frenzal Rhomb and the whole thing is just good in it’s own way. You’ve just gotta love Australian punk people who don’t hold anything back lyricly.

Dave Brubeck, “One Alone, Solo Piano.”
Surprised ya with that one, didn’t I? I’m kind of all over the musical map and when it comes to jazz Dave is one of my favourites. This album is just what it claims to be. It’s a guy playing a piano, and doing it very well if I do say so myself. It’s amazing background music other than the fact that listening to him play has a tendency to grab your attention away from whatever it is you’re supposed to be doing. I’m thinking it would make some fine mood music too although I haven’t tested this theory out yet.

I’ll end with some CD’s I’ve had my eye on but haven’t gotten around to picking up yet.
Finger Eleven, “Finger Eleven.”
Sam Roberts, “We Were Born In A Flame.”
The White Stripes, pretty much anything they’ve done since I don’t have any of it yet.
Audioslave, “Audioslave.”
Nofx, “War On Errorism.”
Bad Religeon, loads of it since I’ve shamefully only got 1 of their albums.
Gordon Lightfoot, “Complete Greatest Hits.”
Make fun of me if you wish,
but it won’t change the fact that Lightfoot has done some great stuff and music wouldn’t be the same without him.

Ok, RAW is starting, I’m getting hungry and this post is getting long so that about covers it for now. Feel free to
let me know about your favourites.
But no electronica or boy bands, please. If you don’t want to go down the email route you can always just click the comments link at the end of this article and leave it there, I’ll check the board out for your feedback, I promise!

Until next time, keep on rockin in the world that’s as free as big government and large corporations will allow it to be.