Of all the sites on the internet, this is one.
Some people have way too much spare time and need to get out more. Take for example the person responsible for this completely legitimate article, a man who should really consider a new hobby. I’m in severe pain just reading this and my head is spinning from trying to figure out how exactly this could possibly be fun.
12 Ways To Crush Your Own Testicles In Your Own Home.
Brings a tear to your eye doesn’t it?
Well I finally made it back online and what better way is there to celebrate this monumental accomplishment than with a few funny search terms? What’s that I hear from little Timmy in the back? Have a beer? Ok, don’t mind if I do. And while I enjoy this nice frosty beverage, you can enjoy these few gems I managed to grab before they scrolled away into history for all time. As usual, some of you people are really really messed up individuals who should probably look into some quality couch time.
22 Aug, Sun, 21:54:01
Google:
“batman’s penis”
I’m honestly amazed at how many different ways you people have found to not find what you’re looking for while still providing this site with a way to milk even more hours of entertainment out of one of it’s oldest inside jokes.
25 Aug, Wed, 16:53:56
Yahoo:
women who vomit and shit
Somebody has to ask so it might as well be me. Wouldn’t that be all of them? Why not just go outside, look around for women and start asking questions?
22 Aug, Sun, 18:10:52
MSN Search:
black nude fat bitchs
I’m guessing this guy got here because of one of Matt’s posts considering that bitches is spelled incorrectly.
And we’ll end the festivities with this beauty, my hands down favourite of the lot. Seriously, it’s no contest.
21 Aug, Sat, 23:46:57
Yahoo:
yahoo sucks fucking dick its so fucking gay pictures
If you can’t understand just how funny that is, read it again and pay special attention to the very end. Or maybe it’s one of those things that’s funnier to me than the rest of you because I know exactly how many searches contain the word “pictures.” But seriously, it looks like the person doing this search got really pissed off at Yahoo search and wanted to make a statement in his own small way but forgot to delete part of his previous search for pictures of Randy Orton’s penis.
And that’ll do it for this go round, but I’ll be back later with something else soon since I’ve got internet access again. I promise that I won’t subject you all to a blow by blow recap of my moving and settling experience because honestly I don’t think you care, nor do I think so much of myself that I feel it would be even remotely interesting.
First things first, how about a joke? Ok then, here comes one.
Three pregnant women are sitting chatting and knitting sweaters for their expected kids.
The first one says “I hope that I have a baby boy, because I’m knitting a blue sweater.”
The second says ” Well I hope that I have a girl because I’m knitting a pink sweater.”
The third woman says “I hope my kid is a spastic, because I’ve fucked up the arms.”
Now with that out of the way, I just wanted to let everybody know that updates around here might be a bit few and far between for the next little while, not that you haven’t noticed that already. Matt and I are both in the process of relocating and depending on each of our individual situations, who knows when things will settle down. I’m betting that I’ll be back before he will but you never know, maybe he’ll show up with something sooner than I think.
But thanks to everybody for sticking with us, and to those of you who have either just found us or just come back from some time away from reading the site. Whatever is happening, our numbers have gone back up in the last couple of weeks after we had a bit of a slump. So thanks for reading and keep checking in every day, you never know when something new will pop up here.
I can’t take credit for this, but I wish I could.
The similarities between Jesus Christ and Elvis Presley are almost uncanny. Just check the following parallels for yourself!
JESUS is the Lord’s shepherd.
ELVIS dated Cybill Shepherd.
JESUS was a carpenter.
ELVIS’ favorite high school class was wood shop.
JESUS was part of the Trinity.
ELVIS’ very first band was a trio.
JESUS’ entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
ELVIS’ entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.
JESUS is a Capricorn. (December 25)
ELVIS is a Capricorn. (January 8)
JESUS was the lamb of God.
ELVIS had mutton chop sideburns.
JESUS was first and foremost the Son of God.
ELVIS first recorded with Sun Studios, performing what are still considered to be his foremost recordings.
JESUS’ Father is everywhere.<
ELVIS’ father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.
JESUS said, “If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink.” (John 7:37)
ELVIS said, “Drinks on me!” (Jailhouse Rock, MGM:1957)
JESUS fasted for 40 days and nights.
ELVIS had irregular eating habits. (eg: 5 banana splits for breakfast)
JESUS said: “Man shall not live by bread alone.”
ELVIS liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.
Matthew was one of JESUS’ many biographers. (The Gospel according to Matthew)
Neil Matthews was one of ELVIS’ many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute)
“[JESUS’] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow.” (Matthew 28:3)
ELVIS wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.
JESUS said: “Love thy neighbor.” (Matthew 22:39)
ELVIS said: “Don’t be cruel.” (RCA 1956)
JESUS walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
ELVIS surfed on water. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount:1965)
Mary, an important woman in JESUS’ life, had an Immaculate conception.
Priscilla, an important woman in ELVIS’ life, attended Immaculate Conception High School.
JESUS H. CHRIST has 12 letters.
ELVIS PRESLEY has 12 letters.
No one knows what the “H” in “JESUS H. Christ” stood for.
No one was really sure if ELVIS’ middle name was “Aron” or “Aaron”.
JESUS wore a crown of thorns.
ELVIS wore Royal Crown hair styler.
JESUS had his famous Resurrection.
ELVIS had the famous 1968 “comeback” TV special.
JESUS lived in a state of grace, in a Near Eastern land.
ELVIS lived in Graceland, in a nearly eastern state.
This is just a quick note to any of you who happen to listen to my radio show or any other programs on that station over the internet. I thought I would let you know that because of some broadcasting rights issues with the BBC, that during the Olympics, our station’s internet streams will be offline. They will return as soon as is humanly possible once the Olympics are over, at least that’s the plan as far as I know. I’ll be sure to let you know when they’re up again.
I’m going to let this news story speak for itself because honestly, there’s nothing I could possibly add to this other than saying, what the hell did you expect them to vote for?
This is just a quick note to let anybody who is interested know that the Salty Ham Summerslam Roundtable is up. We’ve got a couple of really cool guests this time and it’s worth checking out, if for no other reason than I told you to.
So if you’re one of those people who does things that I tell you to do, or even if you just want to for your own amusement, you can go here and have a look.
I’ll be back sooner or later with…um…something else.
So I was watching the Simpsons last night and one of my favourite episodes was on. It was the one where Bart & Lisa get lost in Atlantic City. I don’t know what it is about that episode since it’s really not the funniest or anything like that but I just really enjoy it and find myself laughing at the smaller details. It’s not outright hilarious but it’s pretty funny all the way through.
So it got me thinking that I should post something about it here. Get you guys to give some feedback on your favourite Simpsons episode, or even moment. Or maybe you have more than one episode that really cracks you up. I mean everyone loves the show so I can’t imagine some of you not having anything to add about the Simpsons.
So comment away. Let’s see what you love about the Simpsons. If nothing else it’ll bring back some humourous memories for everyone reading your thoughts on episodes and moments that we may have forgotten.
I was just reading a story about a Japanese man who is trying to teach himself English. Now that in itself isn’t anything out of the ordinary. Nor is it all that unusual that his main studying method is to write down common words and phrases that he finds in newspapers and hears frequently in other places so he can look them up later. It’s actually kind of neat that he’s been able to teach himself a second language that way, I’d never be able to do that, I’m not that smart. So why am I even bothering to mention it you’re probably wondering, because for the most part you’re all smart people who know by now that if it’s up here and it’s news, something probably went wrong. Well, you’re right, and here’s what happened.
On a flight from Chicago to Ohio, our hero was going about his business, scanning some magazines and newspapers for English to learn when he stumbled on the phrase “suicide bomb” and as he had a tendency to do, he wrote it down. A person sitting nearby happened to glance over and notice the words written down and in quite a reasonable move, alerted flight attendants that something might be going on. The flight was returned to the airport where it was promptly emptied and searched.
As for our Japanese friend, he was immediately taken into custody until he was somehow able to get the cops to buy a story like that, no small feat I’m sure, especially with a limited vocabulary. I’d love to know how bad the beating they gave him was. But maybe it proves an old theory that I’ve heard about foreigners, that being that the more you beat them, the better their English gets. Yes, you can look again, I did just say that and no, I’m not sorry to any of you who might take it upon yourselves to get all freaked out and offended. You can all go puff the magic dragon as far as I’m concerned.
But this guy’s predicament did give me an idea. Since experience is the best teacher, and since what happened to him was certainly an experience he’ll never forget, where else could he go to learn similar English lessons? Where is the worst place he could possibly go to write down a certain word or phrase? For example, he could be caught with the word “rapist” in a women’s shelter, or “child molestation” at a Catholic church.
Now it’s your turn, and if some of you people are as twisted as I think you are, you could have some fun with this, or not, it’s all up to you. I just thought I’d throw that one out there because it’s been way too long since we’ve gotten somebody really really pissed off at us and I think we’re about due again.
Wow am I ever cranky today. It’s unbelievable. I went to bed nice and early last night since Monday’s always hell but I couldn’t fall asleep for the life of me. I finally got to sleep around 12 only to wake up again at around 1:10 and not get back to sleep until about 2:30. It’s led to some grizzly attitude today.
It’s just one of those days where everything pisses you off. Even people that you like and who are saying things to you that should actually help you, not piss you off, are just sending me over the edge today. Oh well. It’s 3:00. I’ll be heading home soon. I’ll get about an hour there and then I have to go out to the funeral home for a visitation for a friend. I guess I should clarify. My friend’s fine but a family member of his has recently passed so I’ll go to the visitation just for support. I didn’t know the person to well but I’ve known his immediate family since I was knee high to a grass-hopper. (i’ve always wanted to say that.)
It’s tough to see people you’ve known for a long time so upset. I always feel so uncomfortable. You know that there’s probably nothing harder in their life than what they’re going through at the time and all you can think to say is “I’m sorry.” I’m sorry?!? Well that certainly helps them out doesn’t it? But what else can you say? There’s not a thing in the world that you can say to make them feel any better or bring back what the person has lost. All you can do is be there for them offering up advice that was given to you that may have helped, but probably didn’t and just hope that your mere presence and support has touched them somehow since nothing you can say is going to.
Wow, kind of went off on a tangent there but that’s basically all this post is anyway.
5 days ’till Warped Tour. I’m really really looking forward to it. The weather is supposed to be cloudy and about 20 degrees. That’s actually perfect. We’re gonna be outside all day and if it’s too hot and there’s no breeze it’s really no fun. And buying water at these things is insane so it appears we’ve lucked out on the weather as long as the rain holds off. Only calling for about a 20% chance and a light sprinkle will be worth it if it keeps the scorching hot away.
Well, I guess that’s it. Later