For Those Of Y’all With Girl Trouble

It’s funny the way things work out sometimes. I came here and read A Time’s comment about his girlfriend breaking up with him and then like 20 minutes later I found
this,
which is a real service. I figure maybe it’s something that he can use, and maybe a few of you could use it too, who knows. At the very least it’s good for a laugh.

Here’s just a little bit of info about the site. If you can read this and then not click that link you’re a better man than I.

Tired of your friends and family telling you to get a girlfriend?
Want to make that certain someone a little jealous?
Need a confidence boost? Just feeling lonely sometimes?

With an Imaginary Girlfriend, you can carry on a completely fictitious, yet authentic looking relationship with the girl of your choice.

Browse through our site and choose your favorite girl to see what she can offer as your Imaginary Girlfriend.

Just make up how you met and include any details about yourself that you want your new girlfriend to know. Within days you’ll receive personalized love
letters by mail, e-mails, photos, special gifts… even phone messages or online chat. Every Imaginary Girlfriend is unique.

The girls are real. The relationship is not. When your time is up you can break up with her for whatever reason you decide, and she’ll write you a final
letter begging you to take her back. Our service is easy-to-use, lots of fun, and discreet. The privacy of our customers and Imaginary Girlfriends is always
protected.

There I go again, helping the people.

Poor Bastard

Man, would this ever suck. To make a slightly longer story just a bit shorter, I’ll explain what happened for those of you who may not want to click the link.

Some poor guy in Greece was just minding his own business looking at some nice internet porn when what should he come across among the videos of couples getting it on but a film of his wife going at it with somebody else. Now being the good husband that he is, he informed the police in an effort to have the clip taken down in an attempt to protect his wife’s privacy. One small problem, registration for the site required members to send in pornographic videos or pictures of themselves in exchange for free access so she was more than likely well aware of what was going on here. The reason I say that is because according to the story, the only reason buddy found this video in the first place was because he was trying to figure out why his wife was spending so much time on the net.

So if you think that you’re day isn’t going so well just stop and think about this story again and I’m sure you’ll start feeling much better.

Realization

I’m a firm believer in the idea that in a lot of cases, therapy is a waste of time and money. I’m one of those people who likes to try to solve my own problems and whenever possible, try to find reasons for why I am who I am today. Last night I was able to do such a thing and I just had to mention it, all in the name of sharing.

Last night I got thinking about my social life, specifically the fact that getting girls has never come easy for me. Don’t get me wrong, I can do it, it’s just that I’ve never been one of those people who can pick up with the greatest of ease or who had girls falling all over themselves for a chance to be with him. I did however have a lot of friends like that and to be honest, I’m not sure how they did it. They were nice enough guys and everything but a lot of the time I thought that I was nicer, or smarter, or funnier, or all 3, though probably not as good looking, which is certainly part of the problem since people as a rule are shallow pricks. Wow, feel the happiness. It’s true though, people are so rapped up in the look of things that they completely miss the personalitymost of the time and then wonder why they can’t find anybody who will treat them well and make them happy. I’ve got news for you, deeper people are out there, they’re the ones you bitch to constantly about all of your shitty relationships. But ok, let’s get back on topic here.

I realized yesterday that my marginal success with girls isn’t a new thing, or something I had to grow into. It started almost immediately from birth. Let me explain.

I come from a family of 3 children, of which I am the oldest. As a baby, I was fed by bottle. My younger brother and sister on the other hand were both breast fed. Now stop and think about that for just a second. My mother didn’t try the breast feeding experiment on me, her first born son and then realize it wasn’t for her and switch things up for the next kid, she bottle fed me and let the other 2 have at the boobs. That’s like the ultimate form of rejection. I mean if your own mother, the person who gave you life won’t let you suck on her tits even for the purpose of nourishing you, what are the odds that some stranger you meet later in life is gonna let you do it just for the hell of it? They’re not very good, that’s for sure.

Now aren’t you glad you read that all the way to the end? I wonder how many people thought that I was getting all deep on them there, come on now, be honest.

Here’s An Idea

I think that the penny should be phased out. It serves no practical purpose that I can think of. Vending machines won’t take them, penny candy all costs at least a nickel these days, you can’t make change for them, hell, I even read somewhere that every penny costs 2 cents to make, meaning that every penny you spend is a money losing venture, what’s the point of keeping them around? All they do is annoy frustrate and confuse.

Just think of all the aggravation that would be avoided by getting rid of them. For one thing we could finally round the prices of things up to the nearest dollar instead of that $4.99 shit that stores try to pull on us to make things seem cheaper than they are. I mean come on, does that ever actually work? Have you ever had this conversation with somebody?

You: “Wow, I can’t believe you paid 500 bucks for that!”
Other Person: “I didn’t pay that much, it only cost me $499.99, it was a bargain!”

I don’t think that’s ever happened in the history of the world.

But what about taxes you protest. Wouldn’t they screw up this whole rounding up thing? Just think about Canada, the tax on everything is 15 percent and that’s an odd number. Fair point, but I’m pretty sure I’ve got that covered too. I’m no math major so if this wouldn’t actually work let me know, just be nice about it. You’d have to change the amount of taxation on everything, my vote is for decreasing it to 10 percent, the government doesn’t need that much money on every pack of gum you buy, they’re bleeding you dry in countless other ways every single day, they’ll survive.

And under my plan, you’d never have to stand at a checkout counter waiting for 1 cent in change ever again and you’d never again have to suffer the humiliation of coming up 7 cents short on an item that is priced at something stupid like $3.46. Everything would cost a dollar, or 5 dollars, or 8 dollars, always even. No more checkout people who can’t count to 20 without taking off their shoes screwing up your change, no more standing behind the old lady digging through her purse to come up with exact change when she’s got a 5 in her hand, no more of your wallet making your pants fall down because it’s so stuffed full of bullshit change that you can’t ever use for anything, none of that will be a problem anymore. The more I think about this, the better it sounds.

But I do understand that no plan is perfect and this one is no different. There would be some minor disadvantages associated with doing something this radical and there would certainly be some changes we would all have to make.

For instance, you wouldn’t be able to offer anybody a penny for their thoughts anymore, but that’s ok. I find that most of the time when I do that I’m left wanting my money back anyway so no big deal there.

You wouldn’t be able to toss a penny in a wishing well anymore but again, that’s ok. Those things never work. For years I’ve been wishing that the next guy to use the well would fall in, it’s never happened, not once. It’s just a big cash grab for the mall and they’re fooling all of us. Don’t let them win.

So you see, all of these changes are very insignificant and I don’t think that they would really impact anybody’s quality of life in a truly negative way. And even if there is some minor inconvenience, it’s nothing compared to the back problems that women everywhere will eventually face from carrying around purses full of loose change.

I think we should all unite and start a movement. We should all write to our world leaders and demand the banishment from society of the penny and all currency like it. Spread the word to your friends and have them do the same. Either that or we should all just watch hockey and do nothing. Either way, the penny’s gotta go.

Jesus Christ On A Crutch!

I really hate computers sometimes. I was a little over half way through writing a whole big post on this whole Conan O’Brien insulting French people thing when my computer decided it would be fun to just crash for no reason causing me to lose everything. I’m not sure if I’m going to try writing it again or just let it drop because the whole situation is insanely stupid anyway but until I decide, why not just go and read
the Salty Ham No Way Out Roundtable instead?
Some of my writing is in there so it’ll hold you over until I post something else.

Pick A Card, Any Card

Since finding that perfect Valentine card for your special someone can be difficult, I knew that when I came across this link I had to pass it on. There are a lot of cards to choose from here and I’m sure you’ll find something to suit your needs perfectly.

Yes guys, melt her heart with touching poems like:

When we made love
this morning
I was struck by an epiphany:
You’re so much better
in the sack
than your little sister, Tiffany.

And I’ve personally yet to see anything sweeter than this.

No love is more grand,
nor possesses such grace,
as when you close your eyes
as I cum in your face.

They even have some cards for that special person who used to be in your life.

The awful, painful fact is
that I miss you every night.
I need some target practice
and perhaps a laser sight.

There are pages and pages of these things at the following link. You can even mail them to people so they’re the perfect way to let somebody know that you’re thinking of them.
Click here and spread the love!

A Question For You All

I asked this on the comment boards but just in case some of you miss it but still have an opinion I’ll ask it here too.

After I posted that bit about Nick and Gee yesterday myself and 2 or 3 other people were lucky enough to have land in our inboxes what I consider to be one of the most incoherent and stupidity-laced bits of babbling idiocy that I’ve ever had the good fortune to read. Luckily, being the forward thinking individual that I am, I saved a copy of it for possible future use.

Now my question is, should I bother posting it? Like I said on the board, part of me wants to post it so that you all can laugh at the absolute retardedness of this whole situation but part of me doesn’t want to give the party involved any more attention than he’s already gotten. So what do you all think? If you’ll do me proud and roast the guy over an open flame I’ll be more than happy to allow that but if you all think this has gone on long enough I’ll let it drop and that message will never see the light of day, at least not on my site. But having said that, if you vote for me to post it but more people vote to have me not share it publicly, I’m still more than happy to provide a copy to any interested party who might ask for it either by email, MSN or comment board. My email address is all over this site and there’s a comment link right at the end of this post. Sorry, if you don’t already know my MSN info, you aren’t getting it unless you’re one of those people who I’ve talked to but just haven’t ever done the MSN thing with. If that’s the case then just shoot me an email and ask for it, that’s no problem.

Ok Vomiteers, the choice is yours!