How Many Times Does 33 Go Into 16? If You Need Help, Ask The Cats

Keith Griffin’s goddamn cat is at it again.

Richard Hovan, a former math teacher being tried on charges that he had carried on an affair with a 16-year-old student, claimed that the open container of lube found in his apartment was not opened by him, because that would have been impossible. More likely, he claimed, his cats did it, because those little buggers open everything.

“My cats open the fridge, they open the cabinet, all of those things. I don’t know,” Hovan said.
Assistant District Attorney Shanda Strain, the New York Daily News reports, tore into Hovan, who allegedly carried out an affair with a student during his time as a geometry teacher at Riverdale Country School:
“The lube is almost empty, right?” Strain said.
“Yes,” Hovan said.
“The cats played with it? . . . So do they have opposable thumbs?” the ADA asked with sarcasm.
Hovan then boldly claimed that his pair of felines are very capable — and are “perhaps” the reason for the open container, even though there would have been a seal on the bottle.

Keep in mind that this is the same guy who also apparently claimed that the affair wasn’t an affair at all, but rather a series of study dates. And that the photo his now ex-fiancé snapped of them naked was actually taken while the pair was innocently doing a crossword puzzle, even though the girl took off down the fire escape when they were discovered.

A hell of a case, this sounds like. Hopefully I can find out how it ended. I’d like to say I bet I know, but juries can be pretty screwy sometimes.

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