For Once, An Ass Explosion That Can’t Be Blamed On Taco Bell

Last Updated on: 13th December 2013, 10:56 am

It seems to me I have started posts in this manner before, but I must do so again.

Believe it or not, there have been times in my life during which I have been very, very drunk. I’ve had some good ideas and some not so good ideas, and have even written a post or 12. But never have I taken leave of my senses to such a degree that I thought hey, I should stuff a bottle rocket in my ass and light it. But even if at some point I had thought it, I assure you there is no chance I’d have done it. Travis Hughes, on the other hand, well…he did, and he’s being sued now.

The suit was filed by Louis Helmburg III, who fell off of a railingless deck when the aforementioned chocolate rocket exploded inside of Hughes’ rectum and startled him. Startled *him*? How do you think Hughes felt? The funny part is we don’t know, because other than his new legal trouble, he isn’t mentioned again. We have no idea how he’s doing. He could be ok or he could be completely cheekless, but nobody’s talking.

     Helmburg claims – in a statement it would be difficult to deny – that “firing bottle rockets out of one’s own anus constitutes an ‘ultra-hazardous’ activity,” which exposes both defendants to strict liability.

Helmburg says he suffered pain and medical expenses, and lost playing time on the Marshall University baseball team. He claims the Alpha Tau deck from which he fell lacked a railing, which violated Huntington building codes.

Helmburg says the fiasco came at about 1:30 a.m. on May 1, 2011, at an Alpha Tau house party he attended with his girlfriend.
     “Several of the people in attendance at said house party were under the legal drinking age, including defendant Travis Hughes,” the complaint states.

“Most of the persons in attendance at said house party were also consuming alcohol with the full knowledge and consent of the ATO fraternity.”

Several Alpha Tau members were on the deck when Hughes got his bright idea, including one or more fraternity officers, Helmburg says.

The complaint states: “Defendant Hughes was highly intoxicated on this date and time, and decided in his drunken stupor that it would be a good idea to shoot bottle rockets out of his anus on the ATO deck, located on the back of the ATO house. …
     “Defendant Hughes placed a bottle rocket in his anus, ignited the fuse, but instead of launching, the bottle rocket blew up in the defendant’s rectum, and this startled the plaintiff and caused him to jump back, at which time he fell off of the ATO deck, and he became lodged between the deck and an air conditioner unit adjacent the deck.

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