Lettuce Is Not A Sandwich Topping

I am very much in camp Gill on this issue. Lettuce does not belong on sandwiches. I’ve softened my stance on this slightly over the years, but finding lettuce on a sandwich, especially a cold sandwich, is just about the worst. I say just about the worst because tomatoes exist, and they are the actual worst. Even when you can pick them off, that gross raw tomato taste is still all over everything and it can be hard to choke down what is otherwise a perfectly good sandwich. Barfity barf barf, no thanks.

Sometimes I absolutely love going out for a sandwich or a good old fashioned burger.  Although no one BBQs a burger like my dad, some restaurants do it fairly well.  You probably are wondering why I’m even talking about this?  Wonder no more.

You Know What Boils My Potatoes?

I go to a restaurant and ask for a veggie burger, grilled chicken sandwich, or something of that nature.  I ask the server “for the love of all things good and holy, don’t put lettuce anywhere near that!”  Sometimes they may not hear it (restaurants and cafes are busy now that folks have gotten the message that vaccinations save lives), so sometimes, just sometimes, a great big chunk of “this isn’t how God intended!” winds up on my burger or sandwich.  My mom didn’t raise me without proper etiquette, so I pick it off as quietly and genteelly as I possibly can.

Fun Story

My mom, dad, sister and I were at that Red Door Pub two weeks ago when this exchange happened.
Sis- “why don’t you like lettuce on your sandwiches or burgers?”
Me- “God never meant for that to be that way.”
Sis (now laughing)- “but you eat salads?”
Me- “because that’s where lettuce belongs.  If God wanted lettuce to be anywhere close to sandwiches He wouldn’t have made it so soggy.”
Dad- “but salads are ok?”
Me- “that’s right.”


What food sin annoys you the most?

Join the Conversation


  1. Lettuce depends on the sandwich you’re eating. But also, and I can’t possibly stress this enough, if you’ve drowned your burger in ketchup, mustard or mayo, soggy is already the name of the game. At that point lettuce won’t do much actual damage.

    I’m on purpose ignoring whatever sauce Dairy Queen puts on some of their burgers, which somehow almost always has the consistency of water.

  2. Even though I don’t mind lettuce, I find if I don’t like something, it stands out. Everybody else who doesn’t mind it says “You can’t even taste that!” But you can! I’m not the biggest fan of canned or frozen peas. I love peas in a pod and snow peas. I just don’t like canned or frozen peas. They go weird in a way I can’t explain. And I’ll notice them…even though everything around them is delicious.

    1. I always feel bad for you when you come upon unannounced peas. Watching you hopelessly try to pick them out hurts my heart in a way that only someone who has tried to pick shredded lettuce and diced tomatoes off a sub when he’s really hungry and now can’t eat can understand.

      And why did I just think about the time my mom used the same spoon that had just been in the garlic shrimp butter to dish up something else. Oh god I nearly hurled. Shrimp is another one of those things for me where it’s hard to eat things that have been anywhere in the neighbourhood.

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.