Ask For The Blue Box, And Then Dump The Paper This Is Written ON Into It

This lawsuit here is the kind of thing that should cause you to be disqualified from ever using the court system again and cost your lawyer his license. Specifically his law license, but if you want to take his driver’s license or dog license or any other license you can think of while you’re at it, I’m probably not going to argue much. Good lord almighty, what an extremely dumb, obvious cash grab. These people have me rooting for a corporation, for god’s sake! I’m not saying people aren’t capable of literally being this stupid (see Berries, Crunch or Convoy, Freedom), but I’m pretty sure this one’s exactly what it looks like.

A woman is suing Kraft Heinz Foods Company because it takes slightly longer to prepare a single serving of Velveeta Shells & Cheese than the package says it does. The box says it will be ready in three and a half minutes, but since you have to perform several seconds worth of other steps, microwave it for that long and then let it stand for a bit while it thickens up, that can’t possibly be true. This makes it misleading to consumers and unfit for sale, so please give us a big bag of money, goes the argument.

4. First, consumers must “REMOVE lid and Cheese Sauce Pouch.”
5. Next, they must “ADD water to fill line in cup. STIR.”
6. Third, “MICROWAVE, uncovered, on HIGH 3-1/2 min. DO NOT DRAIN.”
7. Finally, they should “STIR IN contents of cheese sauce pouch.”
8. Defendant then notes that “CHEESE SAUCE WILL THICKEN UPON STANDING.”

9. Consumers seeing “ready in 3 1/2 minutes” will believe it represents the total amount of time it takes to prepare the Product, meaning from the moment it is unopened to the moment it is ready for consumption.
10. However, the directions outlined above show that 3-and-a-half minutes is just the length of time to complete one of several steps.
11. The label does not state the Product takes “3 1/2 minutes to cook in the microwave,” which would have been true.
12. To provide consumers with a Product that is actually “ready in 3 1/2 minutes,” the Product would need to be cooked in the microwave for less than 3-and-a-half minutes, so that all the preparation steps could be completed in the 3-and-a-half minutes timeframe.
13. Consumers are misled to expect the Product will be ready for consumption in a shorter amount of time than it really takes to prepare.

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