Vomit Comet

Don’t you just hate it when you meet someone who just exudes pompous assedness? It doesn’t matter what they say. They could say the most profound thing, which they incidentally never do because they can’t, but they can say the most well-intentioned thing anyway, and you can’t take them seriously. In fact, the whole time they’re talking, you can feel yourself becoming unexplainably enraged at them, and wish they’d just shut up and go away.

I met such a person the other day. He’s the president of my university, great joy. I was at a ceremony to kick off that disability awareness campaign thingy. And of course the first one to make a speech would be our president, Sir bullshitalot. Wish that was his name, but hell that’s what it’ll be here. He stood up and rambled about how we must not focus on disabilities, but abilities. Ok, that makes sense, sort of. But people have to realize barriers exist so they can disappear and *then* we can focus on abilities. But you can’t live in an idealized world, say they don’t exist, bury your head in the sand and expect people’s *abilities* to shine. Anyway, that’s a side point. The point is he seemed so insincere about it. It was almost like he had reverse Charisma! The whole time he was talking, I was having a mental war. Half of me was saying, “Ok, I’m glad the president came, it’s a good sign. It’s an ok speech I guess.” And the other part of me was just repeatedly chanting, “Shut! Up! Shut! Up! You don’t know jack squat! And Worse than that, you don’t care! You wouldn’t stop to help an old lady who fell down! If you really cared, you would make more buildings wheelchair accessible and have more rooms outfitted with the system for the hearing impaired!” This was immediately followed by the other half of me saying, “That makes no logical sense. You don’t know his real personality. Maybe he’s a real nice guy. And things are geting better. Things have gotten a lot better than when you first arrived. What is your problem? Listen to his speech and calm down!”
But the thing is I couldn’t. He even managed to piss me off by his final line of his speech. He turned to the speaker who was going to speak next and called him a true role model. Uh-huh. And I am to believe that he truly believes that in his heart of hearts. When someone calls someone else a role model, they have to be sincere. They can’t make it sound like they probably just read his profile this morning while writing this PR stunt speech to decide what flowery words to say.

This seemingly complete fake’s speech, along with a few other things that happened, soured me on the whole event. Now that’s some power you don’t want to possess. The part that baffles me is how did this guy get voted in? Were the candidates really that shitty? Or is there something truly amazing about him that I don’t know? Or did he bribe someone? Maybe I’ll go for a bit of column a. and a bit of column c. Excuse my synical attitude.

Has anyone else met someone with this kind of reverse charisma? Or am I just weird?

Here’s something to prove that the content of the courses you’re taking really doesn’t matter. All that matters is you slogging through it and telling the prof what he wants to hear. Like I said last week, one of my profs got pretty badly smucked in a car accident. So of course they’re going to throw together guest lecturers. Yep yep I understand that. For the first little while the guest lecturers make sense. Until next week. Then for the next three weeks, we’re getting lectured to by a guy from the department of…wait for it…philosophy! This course is evolutionary psychology! What can this philosophy guy possibly know about evolutionary psychology? If we’re lucky, he’s read a couple papers about it for interest, skimming them for interesting pieces to bring up with his students while they contemplate the meaning of life.

I hear it now. “Don’t be mean to the philosophy guy. Maybe he understands more than you think.” But would you think it normal for a biology teacher to stand in for an english prof? Or the opposite? How about a computers teacher for art? It’s just weird.

I understand these are desperate times, and since the prof was willing to teach for three weeks, the poor frazzled TA was probably ecstatic and took him up on it. But it doesn’t stop there. We’re to use this guy as a resource for writing our evolutionary psych papers! How can this guy help give us pointers in a subject in which he might have mild interest at best? Why not give us a resource that might know a little more about the literature than a passing glance? If they really cared about course content, I think they would try a little harder to find us someone at least relevant to give us paper suggestions. I can swallow the lectures, even though three weeks of a guy who is basically the complete opposite of evolutionary psych is a bit weird. But I know they’re sort of under the gun and why turn down an offer like that? But come on. Isn’t there someone better for the papers? Is this philosophy guy actually going to grade these? Make me feel like the stuff I’m writing is going to be read by someone who actually knows a thing or two about this, and don’t make me feel like I’m just spewing out garbage to satisfy someone’s beliefs. Ok I already knew that, but at least give me the illusion that I’m doing something of value for my last paper in my degree.

Hey Sparky, here’s a tip. The next time you’re building new buildings and renaming old ones, how about not giving three buildings on the same street the same person’s name? I’m serious. On this campus, we have a Macdonald Hall, which has been there for aeons, a Macdonald Stewart Art Centre, which has been there for a while, and then we had a building that had a nice original name, and now it’s called Macdonald Institute! And they’re all close to each other! Like jesus! How rich is Macdonald anyway? And can I have some dough too while you’re doling it out?

Seriously, I’ve gotten lost so many times because people think I’m looking for one Macdonald when I’m looking for another. Can we at least start calling one of them something like the Joe Macdonald center and the other Bob? Come on, let’s distinguish them somehow.

I mean it. What is with all the mushy gushy bless you love you cards? I know they’re cards, but it seems like gone are the days when you had a variety of kinds of cards. For the poet who isn’t eloquent enough to write his own poem and sends email hug certificates and likes pre-written sap, there were the pre-written sap smooch your face off cards. But they were sandwiched among the humourous cards, even if they didn’t fit the person you were sending it to. And then there were your basic cards that left the card-sender lots of room to write his own personal message. Bring me back those days!

I was trying to find a get-well card for that prof I talked about last week. The one who’s stuck in the hospital for who knows how long. And god damn it! Some cards were covered in flowers. What? Do only women get sick? What the hell!

Then there were the cards lined with poetry. If the guy’s all doped up in the hospital, does he really want to read a god damn sonnet that wasn’t even written by the person wishing him well? And isn’t it so insincere to send something pre-written anyway? If you really cared, you’d write the note yourself, you wouldn’t wait for Hallmark to speak it for you.

And these are the cards that piss me off so much! They start off all simple, and then they end with, “with love.” Ok, you were doing so well! Why did you have to louse it all up? If I wanted a lovy-duvvy card, I would have picked the ones with the sonnets or the ones with the flowers! Can’t you pick a side of the fense to stay on?

And I only found one funny get well card. Come on, don’t these people deserve a laugh? They’re in the hospital after all!

Luckily I had more luck today getting thank you cards, but still, don’t you thinka thank you card is supposed to be simple? Not according to people writing cards now. Half of them were talking about friends being angels to make the earth a better place. What if you’re thanking someone for an award. Do you really have to call them an angel friend?

I just swear all the variety and coolness has gone out of cards. Has society gotten to the point that wordiness and pictures mean more than a gesture? Wow, this whole cards rant has gotten into deeper thoughts than I planned.

I can’t believe I’m doing this. For no good reason, I’m skipping this class. I know that doesn’t seem monumental, but I rarely skip a class unless there’s a reason. But today, I’m just like ah screw it. Maybe it’s the fact that it’s cold and I don’t wanna freeze my ass off again. I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I think the prof is a weirdo and I’m not really learning much from her anyway. Maybe it’s because after today, I only have 8 more classes of hers to endure before the course is done and I can graduate! 8 of hers and 9 of the other course that is sorta in a shambles…and then it’s all over! Maybe that’s why I don’t care. But at any rate, it feels weird to just sit here and write shit instead of going to class. Weird, but good! Na…I won’t make it a common occurrence. I’ll resist the urge.