Logic

Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought that they should go to college to get ahead.

The first goes in to see the local high school counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

“What’s Logic?” the redneck asks.

The counselor answers by saying, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”

“I sure do.”

“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the counselor.

“That’s real good!” says the redneck.

The counselor continues, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.”

Impressed, the redneck says, “Amazin’!”

“And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.”

“That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!” (The redneck is obviously catching on).

“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the counselor.

“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard! I can’t wait to take that logic class!!”

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.

“So what classes are ya takin’?” asks the friend.

“Math, History, and Logic!” replies the first redneck.

“What in tarnation is logic?” asked his friend.

“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck.

“No,” his friend replied.

“FAG!!”

Who Builds This Stuff?

I noticed something really stupid about my fridge yesterday while I was putting away groceries. The egg section in the top of the door only has 20 spots in it. I’m sure that at this moment a few of you are probably thinking who cares, but let’s face it, if you were looking for hard news coverage you wouldn’t be here so let me explain why I think this is so dumb.

Unless I’ve been really really sheltered throughout my whole life, eggs only come in cartons of 6 or 12, not 10 or 20. You’ve got your dozen and your half dozen, no more, no less. So why then if you’re a highly paid fridge designer would you decide that 20 is a good number to go with when you’re drawing up the plans for the little egg holding spot? It doesn’t make sense. Count up by 6’s. If you can’t, I’ll do it for you. 6, 12, 18, 24, 30…Ok, you get the point, no 20! You can’t evenly divide 20 by 6 and you can’t get eggs in cartons of 10 or 20 so you’d think that with all of these factors working against the pro 20 crowd, they might just see reason and give in. But no, at least not in the case of my fridge.

My egg section is divided up into 2 rows of 10. Why would they do that? Maybe they built the fridge slightly too small and adding those last 2 egg holes would have made that part too wide for the door. But that can’t be, because I know how factories work. They’ll throw stuff out or sell it to you for 50 cents if it has smaller problems with it than that, so the only conclusion I can logically come to is that those highly paid fridge designers that I talked about earlier are not in fact highly paid and messing with us by doing things like that is one of the few bits of satisfaction they get in life. Well, I for one have no sympathy for them, and if I could, I would condemn them all to a life of having to use their own creations and being forced to buy 2 dozen eggs every time they went out and got a fridge full of food so that they would have to stand there in frustration trying to find a place to put them all so they didn’t have to shove the whole stupid carton in the fridge just because they’re 4 spaces short. Sure it might sound harsh, but like that old saying almost goes, you lie in the fridge you make.

Bizarre reversals

Explain this to me. There are no ophthalmologists for humans in this city, but there’s one for dogs. What the hell? Why does a dog need an ophthalmologist anyway? It’s not like he’s gonna drive anywhere. I mean if the dog’s doing some kind of work, then ok, but most dogs sit around, gnaw on bones and go “arf arf.” Who in hell is going to pay to have Spot see an ophthalmologist? But humans who might need one, nope, they have to go to another city. I know there’s a major vet school here, so I guess that’s explained. It’s just a pain. There’s one for dogs right here, but I’m gonna have to go on a major excursion just so the guide dog school’s happy.

Anyway, that’s about it. I just couldn’t believe that. An ophthalmologistfor dogs? How do they even survive? Are there enough people taking rover and butch to see how blind they are in their old age? Guess the only way they could survive is if they charge an arm and a leg for an eye. Then the prosthetics-fitters for dogs would be kept in business too…so round and round we go.

I’m back.

Sorry for the unbelievably long silence from me except for drivel on the comment boards. That’s what happens when your plumbing breaks, your phone breaks, parts of your supposedly brand spanking new computer break, you have exams, and then you scurry home for Christmas, to your parents’ house who have dialup, and you just get back now. Oh yeah, and when you go home, you find out your grandma’s in the hospital and her family doctor is being a tool chest. A tool chest? Nope, a whole tool warehouse! But anyway, that’s my lame excuse for not posting since like, what? December 5th or something.

I don’t even know why I’m posting except to hope everyone had a good Christmas. Mine was good. I got stuff I didn’t even know I wanted until I got it. Love those. The only part that sucked about it was the Dr. Tool Warehouse part. My grandma had to spend part of Christmas day in the hospital for no god damn good reason, except that the doctor refuses to let her out until the results of some stupid ass assessment are back. Until then, she could have come home god damn it. She’s sharing a room with a woman who can’t remember her name from day to day and shuts off the lights at fucking 7:00 at night cause it’s time for beddy bies for crying out loud. that’s no place for her. Ok I don’t even know where that came from. Don’t let me near a keyboard and the internet when I’m really mad. Who knows what might happen.

And holy crap my parents get a lot of spam. Here’s a tip. don’t fill out surveys that pop up and don’t give them your real address. Jesus Murphy. They get emails with part of their real address in them. And downloading hundreds of crap-filled messages on dialup…did I mention how slow dialup is? isn’t fun.

My brother’s hilarious. Everywhere he goes with his laptop, he looks to see if there’s a wireless connection he can tap into and mooch off of. Silly brother I have.

On the positive side, my neighbour is hilariously cute. He knocked on my door and gave me a huge, and I mean huge, cookie jar filled with mints. So everyone who comes to see me can for sure have a mint. Hell have two! Man that’s a lot of mints.

How do I end a post like this? I dunno. Hope you’re all safe and happy and cosy and warm…and well, no where near Thailand.

Merry Christmas

This would have been awesome to watch, and I’m not talking about the race.

Santas run right out of Christmas spirit
By Simon de Bruxelles

THERE was no shortage of suspects matching the description when police were called to a fight in a small Welsh town.

More than 30 drunken men dressed as Father Christmas were slugging it out in the main street after the world’s biggest gathering of Santa Clauses ended in a mass brawl.

Officers used CS spray and drew their batons to break up the fighting Santas after the record-breaking fun run.

More than 4,250 runners had donned their Father Christmas suits to raise thousands of pounds for charity. But after taking part in the 2½-mile run a few of the Father Christmases headed straight for the pub.

Amid scenes that would not go down well at the North Pole, five men were arrested for alleged public order offences. Four officers suffered minor injuries during the fight in the centre of Newtown, Mid Wales, on Sunday.

PC Gareth Slaymaker confirmed that many of those involved were still wearing their Santa outfits. “Behaviour like this justifies our reluctance to extend licensing hours for public houses and bars for this type of event,” he said.

The fun run set the world record for the largest gathering of Santas in one place. The Guinness Book of Records states that in order to qualify all the Santas must wear the full regalia of red costume and hat, white beard and black belt. The original record of 3,200 was set at last year’s event, but this year’s run attracted 1,000 more Santas from all over Britain.

Dougie Bancroft, organiser of the Santa Run, said: “The trouble happened seven hours after the run . . . If we find that people connected with the run were involved, they will not be involved in the race next year. We don’t want anything to tarnish the reputation of the event or the charities which benefit from the Santa Run. We support the police in their action.”

The five men arrested were released on bail while Dyfed-Powys Police continue inquiries. Police said that a number of other Santas had been interviewed.

Emma Jones, 25, from Brecon, Powys, who took her children to watch the event, said: “It was great fun to watch a sea of red and white jogging around the town. We went to get my two young children into the Christmas spirit and they want to take part in next year’s run, but they won’t be going if it turns into a drunken brawl. “You could see that a lot of the older male Santas were heading for the pub straight after the race. It is such a pity that a few of them had too much Christmas spirit and spoilt it for everyone else.”

Mick Bates, the Welsh Assembly member for Montgomeryshire, who took part in the run, denied that the annual event was becoming an excuse for a pre-Christmas booze-up.

He said: “More than 200 charities will benefit from this year’s run and the organisers do a wonderful job planning the event. The problem with excessive drinking is not the responsibility of the Santa Run but of pub landlords and individuals.”

Last year runners raised £80,000 for charities.

Welcome Back

What a busy and eventful few days it’s been. So much is going on that I’m not sure how I’m going to cover it all. What that basically means is that I probably won’t, because there’s only so much I want you all knowing about my life. I mean seriously, I’ve seen the lengths that some of you will go to to find things and if Randy Orton’s penis means that much to you I’m sure it would only take you a couple of days to figure out where I live. Or maybe Randy Orton’s penis means more to you than I do, in which case I want to take a moment to say thank you.

Speaking of penises, it’s great to see Matt back writing again. Seriously it is. He’s got a way of writing about everyday things and making them interesting that a lot of people don’t have. That’s right friend, I gave you a compliment. Its Christmas, what can I say? Don’t get used to it, that’s what.

We don’t hear from Karine much anymore. I don’t think a lot of people do since she decided to pretty much give up blogging, or at least take a break from it. I guess when she gives up her own blog she gives up on everybody else’s too. Then again it’s not like giving up on us is really that bad of an idea so maybe she’s on to something there. But if she does happen to be reading but just not saying anything, happy holidays.

Oh and one more thing while I’m talking about Matt and things that came from his return post. I’m really sorry man but I’m having a hard time finding some quality Ebola for you so I was thinking about hooking you up with a
Highspots gift certificate
if they still have them. It might be after Christmas by the time you get it but I did plan on getting you something. If you weren’t planning on getting me anything it’s cool, don’t worry about it. But if you were and need an idea, just get me the same thing I’m getting you. Same goes for anybody else who wanted to get me something but doesn’t know what I like. I’m pretty sure you can send them through email and it’s not like my address is hard to find.

Wow, this is a really long post but like I said, there’s a lot going on and this might be the last one you get for a while so read it in shifts or something if you’re one of those short attention span people.

Ok, so finally I’ll get to what’s been going on. My birthday was Sunday and seeing as it was one of the ones that people have made into an important milestone for some reason, I did what any self-respecting person would do. I partied for 3 days straight. Good times.

Friday it was a neither of us have the desire to drive an hour to watch the band so let’s stay home, sing and get drunk party with my best friend. And well, that’s pretty much what we did.

Saturday there was a surprise birthday party for that same friend and a bit of a party for me that some of my family decided to throw. I ended up onstage with an Irish band at the pub playing the spoons for a couple of songs. That was cool until some old married woman who I started calling the Spoon Groupie wouldn’t leave us alone for the rest of the night. But whatever, it’s not like she ruined the whole evening since the power of free booze can overcome just about anything.

Sunday consisted of a lunch at Red Lobster with some family and a supper at home with some other family, the non-drinking ones. It’s always nice to be home for the holidays, see family and to get beaten up by my baby cousins.

So now it’s on to Christmas, which is always an insane time for me since I’ve got a 3-sided family, the sides of which all like me and want to see me for some reason. So like I was saying earlier, this might be the last time you hear from me for a bit. Maybe not, but there’s a pretty good chance. I’ll be around the comment boards as much as I can and maybe I’ll toss something up on the main page if I get a few spare minutes but if I don’t talk to you all before it’s too late, merry Christmas, and remember to
buy me something nice.

Spongiest Movie Ever

Well there. That didn’t take too long. Only about 2 days and I’m back here \again.

Tonight I went to see…. wait for it…. the SpongeBob Squarepants movie. It’s not what you think. A friend of mine was babysitting and was gonna take her guest and so we decided to tag along since we had nothing better to do. (Although it probably is what you think cuz I think I would have went anyway, young kid or not)

Now, I don’t know all the ins and outs of Mr Squarepants but I’ve seen enough to at least know the characters. What can I say? It’s one of my guilty little pleasures. I’ll say this though. I think Bob, Squidward and the gang are better suited for half hour doses on tv than 2 hour movie features. It’s funny in that cute kinda way, but after about an hour or so you’re seeing just how dumb it is and about ready to walk out. It’s not to say it was a bad movie I guess. But it did kinda drag. Or maybe it’s just cuz I’m a little old to be sitting through a movie made for 9 year olds. I’m not sure if that’s a fair statement or not though since I took my 2 little cousins to see Looney Toons Back In Action when it came out and I laughed my ass off far more often than they did. Maybe I just need to grow up.

There’s some questionable content in here, as well, in my opinion. Having Patrick dance in a seductive mannor wearing thigh-high boots and fishnet stockings may not be sending the right message to kids.

I also gotta laugh at some of the jokes that sored right over the kids heads. At one point are underwater heroes meet up with David Baywatch-star. (ya right. like i’m gonna try to spell that german last name) and some kid 2 rows up yells out to his friends “hey!! it’s the guy from Dodgeball!”. I mean come on! He’s even wearing his classic red baywatch swim suit. Oh well. I guess that one was thrown in for the losers like me who shouldn’t have been there anyway.

Oh well. I guess there’s only so much that you can say about a movie about a Sponge and a Starfish so I guess I’ll get outta here and enjoy the rest of my quiet Saturday night in. It’s -40 out there tonight so there’s no chance I’m going back out there.

Ah, Why Not?

So holey crap, it’s me. I don’t remember the last time I posted here but it was certainly a while ago. I see Steve and Carin have been getting some pretty good numbers in my absense so I figured I should come back and try to post a bit more regularly to try and bring those back down to oldschool VC numbers. I spit in the face of growth! That and people who don’t want to be cool. (I hope someone gets that 🙁 )

So I sit here, now having written my opening paragraph, and realize that I have nothing of any importance to say. (as usual) So maybe I’ll ramble for a bit.

For those of you who wonder where I’ve been (anyone?) I will tell you that I’m about 10 thousand miles north of where I was before and it’s god damn cold. But I’m gonna have a white Christmas which I’m not used to so yay for that.

I could ramble about the NHL lockout but I already did that over on my column on Salty Ham so if you care what I think (and you shouldn’t) then go read it over there.

I’m kinda resentful of the fact that Steve has wished for me to receive Ebola for Christmas this year. Though, I do find the rest of his Christmas list to be a pretty typical list. Perhaps I should send Steve something for Christmas… some form of Ghonorea perhaps. After taking one look at Steve at last year’s holiday get together, my girlfriend immediately found it appropriate to get him cookies as he looked like a man who had enjoyed a few in his days. Perhaps that’s the route to go once again.

Hmm, more ramblings? I’m not up on the VC current events. Are se still hearing from our friend Karine? Or has she wised up already and found better ways to occupy her time? I’m pretty sorry that I missed the nut crushing article Steve referred to a few days ago. Everyone needs to be greatful for what they ahve on Christmas and if it takes an article like that to make you thankful to at least have your Jingle Bells, then I think it’s worth reading… perhaps right before ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas. Just to get people in the right mood.

Well for now that’s about all I’ve got to say. I’m hoping to start writing more regularly again but if I’m not back before Christmas, Happy Holidays to all our (by which I mean Steve and Carin’s) readers. And especially to Steve and Carin who’ve kept this thing going through my laziness.

Eat Fresh

HOUSTON – A Houston man got “heated” over a cold sandwich and threatened to kill a Subway manager and blow up the shop, police said. Delvin Nelson, who works for the city’s public work’s department, was arrested for making a terroristic threat Wednesday night. Nelson was apparently angry because his steak and cheese sandwich wasn’t hot enough.

“It got pretty heated, where he threw a sandwich down at her and told her that he would kill her and blow up the building,” Houston police officer Jim Atkins said.

Nelson got even more agitated after the manager offered to make him a new sandwich and went into the kitchen and threw the food at her, police said. The city has suspended Nelson from his job pending the outcome of the case.