Remembering Elvis

I can’t take credit for this, but I wish I could.

The similarities between Jesus Christ and Elvis Presley are almost uncanny. Just check the following parallels for yourself!

JESUS is the Lord’s shepherd.

ELVIS dated Cybill Shepherd.

JESUS was a carpenter.
ELVIS’ favorite high school class was wood shop.

JESUS was part of the Trinity.
ELVIS’ very first band was a trio.

JESUS’ entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
ELVIS’ entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

JESUS is a Capricorn. (December 25)
ELVIS is a Capricorn. (January 8)

JESUS was the lamb of God.
ELVIS had mutton chop sideburns.

JESUS was first and foremost the Son of God.
ELVIS first recorded with Sun Studios, performing what are still considered to be his foremost recordings.

JESUS’ Father is everywhere.<
ELVIS’ father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.

JESUS said, “If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink.” (John 7:37)
ELVIS said, “Drinks on me!” (Jailhouse Rock, MGM:1957)

JESUS fasted for 40 days and nights.
ELVIS had irregular eating habits. (eg: 5 banana splits for breakfast)

JESUS said: “Man shall not live by bread alone.”
ELVIS liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.

Matthew was one of JESUS’ many biographers. (The Gospel according to Matthew)
Neil Matthews was one of ELVIS’ many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute)
“[JESUS’] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow.” (Matthew 28:3)
ELVIS wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.

JESUS said: “Love thy neighbor.” (Matthew 22:39)
ELVIS said: “Don’t be cruel.” (RCA 1956)

JESUS walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
ELVIS surfed on water. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount:1965)

Mary, an important woman in JESUS’ life, had an Immaculate conception.
Priscilla, an important woman in ELVIS’ life, attended Immaculate Conception High School.

JESUS H. CHRIST has 12 letters.
ELVIS PRESLEY has 12 letters.

No one knows what the “H” in “JESUS H. Christ” stood for.
No one was really sure if ELVIS’ middle name was “Aron” or “Aaron”.

JESUS wore a crown of thorns.
ELVIS wore Royal Crown hair styler.

JESUS had his famous Resurrection.
ELVIS had the famous 1968 “comeback” TV special.

JESUS lived in a state of grace, in a Near Eastern land.
ELVIS lived in Graceland, in a nearly eastern state.

A Quick Note

This is just a quick note to any of you who happen to listen to my radio show or any other programs on that station over the internet. I thought I would let you know that because of some broadcasting rights issues with the BBC, that during the Olympics, our station’s internet streams will be offline. They will return as soon as is humanly possible once the Olympics are over, at least that’s the plan as far as I know. I’ll be sure to let you know when they’re up again.

Roundtable

This is just a quick note to let anybody who is interested know that the Salty Ham Summerslam Roundtable is up. We’ve got a couple of really cool guests this time and it’s worth checking out, if for no other reason than I told you to.

So if you’re one of those people who does things that I tell you to do, or even if you just want to for your own amusement, you can go here and have a look.

I’ll be back sooner or later with…um…something else.

This Might Be Fun….. It Might Not.

So I was watching the Simpsons last night and one of my favourite episodes was on. It was the one where Bart & Lisa get lost in Atlantic City. I don’t know what it is about that episode since it’s really not the funniest or anything like that but I just really enjoy it and find myself laughing at the smaller details. It’s not outright hilarious but it’s pretty funny all the way through.

So it got me thinking that I should post something about it here. Get you guys to give some feedback on your favourite Simpsons episode, or even moment. Or maybe you have more than one episode that really cracks you up. I mean everyone loves the show so I can’t imagine some of you not having anything to add about the Simpsons.

So comment away. Let’s see what you love about the Simpsons. If nothing else it’ll bring back some humourous memories for everyone reading your thoughts on episodes and moments that we may have forgotten.

I Bet He Knows What It Means Now

I was just reading a story about a Japanese man who is trying to teach himself English. Now that in itself isn’t anything out of the ordinary. Nor is it all that unusual that his main studying method is to write down common words and phrases that he finds in newspapers and hears frequently in other places so he can look them up later. It’s actually kind of neat that he’s been able to teach himself a second language that way, I’d never be able to do that, I’m not that smart. So why am I even bothering to mention it you’re probably wondering, because for the most part you’re all smart people who know by now that if it’s up here and it’s news, something probably went wrong. Well, you’re right, and here’s what happened.

On a flight from Chicago to Ohio, our hero was going about his business, scanning some magazines and newspapers for English to learn when he stumbled on the phrase “suicide bomb” and as he had a tendency to do, he wrote it down. A person sitting nearby happened to glance over and notice the words written down and in quite a reasonable move, alerted flight attendants that something might be going on. The flight was returned to the airport where it was promptly emptied and searched.

As for our Japanese friend, he was immediately taken into custody until he was somehow able to get the cops to buy a story like that, no small feat I’m sure, especially with a limited vocabulary. I’d love to know how bad the beating they gave him was. But maybe it proves an old theory that I’ve heard about foreigners, that being that the more you beat them, the better their English gets. Yes, you can look again, I did just say that and no, I’m not sorry to any of you who might take it upon yourselves to get all freaked out and offended. You can all go puff the magic dragon as far as I’m concerned.

But this guy’s predicament did give me an idea. Since experience is the best teacher, and since what happened to him was certainly an experience he’ll never forget, where else could he go to learn similar English lessons? Where is the worst place he could possibly go to write down a certain word or phrase? For example, he could be caught with the word “rapist” in a women’s shelter, or “child molestation” at a Catholic church.

Now it’s your turn, and if some of you people are as twisted as I think you are, you could have some fun with this, or not, it’s all up to you. I just thought I’d throw that one out there because it’s been way too long since we’ve gotten somebody really really pissed off at us and I think we’re about due again.

This Has No Point…. You’ve Been Warned

Wow am I ever cranky today. It’s unbelievable. I went to bed nice and early last night since Monday’s always hell but I couldn’t fall asleep for the life of me. I finally got to sleep around 12 only to wake up again at around 1:10 and not get back to sleep until about 2:30. It’s led to some grizzly attitude today.

It’s just one of those days where everything pisses you off. Even people that you like and who are saying things to you that should actually help you, not piss you off, are just sending me over the edge today. Oh well. It’s 3:00. I’ll be heading home soon. I’ll get about an hour there and then I have to go out to the funeral home for a visitation for a friend. I guess I should clarify. My friend’s fine but a family member of his has recently passed so I’ll go to the visitation just for support. I didn’t know the person to well but I’ve known his immediate family since I was knee high to a grass-hopper. (i’ve always wanted to say that.)

It’s tough to see people you’ve known for a long time so upset. I always feel so uncomfortable. You know that there’s probably nothing harder in their life than what they’re going through at the time and all you can think to say is “I’m sorry.” I’m sorry?!? Well that certainly helps them out doesn’t it? But what else can you say? There’s not a thing in the world that you can say to make them feel any better or bring back what the person has lost. All you can do is be there for them offering up advice that was given to you that may have helped, but probably didn’t and just hope that your mere presence and support has touched them somehow since nothing you can say is going to.

Wow, kind of went off on a tangent there but that’s basically all this post is anyway.

5 days ’till Warped Tour. I’m really really looking forward to it. The weather is supposed to be cloudy and about 20 degrees. That’s actually perfect. We’re gonna be outside all day and if it’s too hot and there’s no breeze it’s really no fun. And buying water at these things is insane so it appears we’ve lucked out on the weather as long as the rain holds off. Only calling for about a 20% chance and a light sprinkle will be worth it if it keeps the scorching hot away.

Well, I guess that’s it. Later

SummerSlam Signs

So I was talking to Steve the other day about some of the funny signs you at televised wrestling shows. I’ve seen some really good ones and he suggested that maybe I should take one of my own to SummerSlam. I’ve been to one or two televised events before and never bothered to take one cuz I just couldn’t be bothered. I’m not sure if I will this time or not but it at least gave me an idea for a post.

My person favourite sign that I’ve ever seen goes back to the fact that people get annoyed if they’re sitting behind someone who has a large sign because it makes it difficult to watch what’s going on. The sarcastic guy sitting in front of me at the last RAW taping I attended had brought a sign with no other purpose than to annoy people as all it said was “The Guy Behind Me Can’t See.”

I thought that alone was humourous enough but I leaned forward and told him that I was partially blind and we both got a big kick out of the new double meaning of his sign.

The best one that’s been suggested to me so far for SummerSlam goes back to the irritating Diva Search that they’re doing on RAW. The sign would say “You Search For Divas. I’m Searching For The Remote.”

I thought that it might be kind of fun to ask the good readers of this site to comment with a few of their suggestions for signs that might be funny for the PPV next Sunday. Now I realize that these things normally work better on a site that people actually read and such but it’s worth a go here. Even if I don’t get one suggestion, the post was something for me to do.

So let’s see what ya got for me. I may not bother taking one at all but if something’s too good to pass on than I’ll take it. And i’m in the 12th row so who knows. Maybe your idea will end up on tv. Of course you won’t see it because no one buy’s the PPV’s anymore but you could rent it later on DVD or something and then claim that sign as yours when you watch with your friends. Of course they won’t believe you and this will all be a pointless venture for you….

Do it anyway though….

Another Landmark

So just one day after we hit our 9000th hit, we are now sitting on exactly 400 posts! Now considering that this thing has been open for 10 months and there are 2 of us writing, it really speaks to our laziness but let’s take a trip down memory lane about some of the very odd topics that we’ve discussed in our 400 posts.

One of my personal favourite things on this website has been Steve’s search engine results that he posts every so often. You know the ones where he finds out what the hell all you sick freaks were actually looking for to get here? We’ve had people show up on our page looking for everything from Randy Orton’s penis to Matt Stajan’s penis to Batman’s penis (are you seeing a trend here?) to midget love making to John Cena naked fucking other male wrestlers. Yup. It’s a perverse readership we have here but we still love you. (unless your country appeared on the negative side on yesterday’s post, in which case i’m surprised you’re back here today.)

There’s been other great events on this website. Like the ripping of our good friend Nick. Although that’s not so much an event as it is a series or every day occurance. It eventually lead to a ban on Nick as the rippings got boring and the insults got repetitive. Sure he’s back now but he’s behaving. And if he doesn’t then the second season of Nick ripping will probably create just as many priceless memories. Oh good times, people.

What about, Gee? Remember Gee? Oh nevermind. That was part of the Nick situation. How silly of me.

Or Satan? One of our most faithful commenters for a period was never far from slamming somebody mercilessly for the smallest of pointes. Whether it be me, Nick, anyone posting annonymously or Gee (oops) the attacks were always done with heartless disregard for human feeling. Kudos to Satan for creating some of our more humourous comments.

And what the hell ever happend to Greg Twilly? He was kinda funny… took shots at everyone including yours truly and then just kinda disapeared. He won’t be forgotten though. Thanks for the memories, old friend. Wherever you are.

There was our once a week advice column that may have lasted 3 weeks and those 3 weeks were not consecutive. There were a few small pieces of joy in them.

On this momentous day, let us not forget one of our more frequent guest posters, Carin. Never far behind Satan to rip Nick apart, she would also contribute thought provoking columns to be posted up on our main page. What a devoted Vomiteer.

And perhaps our most frequent reader, our European Princess, our friend from across the pond, our personal assistand as we tried to get this damn page off the ground (is it off the ground yet?) Karine!! The kind of blogger that Steve and I could only hope to be. One of the all time greats.

There’s been a never ending parade of stupid bastards on the news that Steve and I come across from day to day that we share here with you. These people must not be forgotten as they’ve granted us many laughs.

Or the occasional joke that Steve may find to put up here. Some are funny, some are not and many are just far too disgusting to do anything but try desperately to hold your lunch down. Oh but they’re a part of the legacy. Our leaper of a baseball fan will never be forgotten.

And lastly. SHAMELESS PLUGS FOR EVERYONE! Whether it be to our own columns, sites we enjoy and feel you should enjoy, our great friends at Salty Ham, our other bloggers that we correspond with. These links and plugs are what this place is all about. Feeling like a big shot when you’re really nothing at all!

So with all of this said I think there is more than enough here to justify you going back and looking over the archives. If you’re new here you’ll be in stitches over the hilarity that has occured here. If you’ve been with us since the beginning than it may very well bring a tear to your eye as you stroll down an emotional memory lane. Either way. Read over all that has taken place here. For these, my good friends, are the things that dreams are made of. Sad, pitiful dreams, but dreams nonetheless.

I’ll toast to another 400 posts. Won’t you join me?

Thank you for the love, my friends. Thank you.