Bah. No Title

Good Day to you all,
First of all – Yesterday I didn’t get anything posted for my supposedly weekly column on Salty Ham Sports. I was completely uninspired and really, with the exception of the World Junior Hockey Championship, I really didn’t watch much in the way of sports over the holiday. That makes it harder to write a sports column. But this morning I was inspired with a thought so I may throw up a small version before the week is out. It won’t be today though. I hate those work days where you get loaded with work. Who’s fucking idea was that?

On the way in here this morning I heard a pretty funny story on the Edge Morning Show that I thought I’d pass on. This is quite possibly the most unfortunate criminal of all time. He and his wife had organized a major robbery and the plan really wasn’t all that bad in theory. The wife worked as a nanny/house-keeper/servant or something for a very wealthy family. They arranged for her husband to be mailed in a large box to the house, then the two of them would clean the place out and high-tail it on outta there. They figured mailing him in was the best way to get him buy security at the front gate.

Well, when this oversized box arrived at the gate the guards wouldn’t let it through. They thought it looked suspicious… like BOMB suspicious. So they called in a bomb squad to take a look at it since they didn’t want to open it to check and risk detination and impending self-deformation. So, they do what anyone would do… call the bomb squad.

Now, when the bomb squad gets a call, they don’t fuck around. There’s no “lets open it and see what it is”. Oooooh no. Thats usually how you detinate. So they took the box and set up in what is called a safe-detination. This machine treats the box as if it iis a bomb. Now what these machines do is not test to see if it is a bomb… or even try to find the bomb’s detinator and try to disable it. It uses its own explosives and blows the fucking thing sky-high eliminating any hazard. If it was a bomb… it blew up anyway… if it was an oversized glass puppy statuette it will be returned to sender with a new label of “some assembly required.” The Nanny noticing things had gone wrong chased the bomb squad back to the detinator and arrived just in time to watch her brilliant husbad get blow in to a million pieces. That’s not an exaduration. The bomb squad actually was able to identify this man by picking up pieces of his body from the area.

What a way to go, genious! I think most people would notice that things are not going the way they should and possibly try to draw some attention to the fact that there’s a human in there! Oh well. At least the rich people didn’t lose anything… and isn’t that what America is all about?

Later

Some Jokes That Made Me Laugh Today

*Q. Who is Michael Jackson’s favorite poet?
A. Emily Dick-in-son

*Little Johnny wrote to Santa Claus, “Please send me a sister.”
Santa Claus wrote him back, “Ok, send me your mother.”

*Q. What is the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
A. Christopher Walken

*Q. Why did Michael Jackson decide to have a boy of his own?
A. Because it’s too expensive to rent them at $2 million a pop!

*Michael Jackson sat down with his lawyer.
The lawyer says, “I have good news and bad news”
Michael asks for the bad news.
The lawyer says, “They have a real strong case for molestation and you are going to do serious time.”
Michael asks for the good news.
The lawyer says, “I think you can serve it in a juvenile detention facility.”

This Is Good?

I’m not sure how much attention any of you pay to the radio but if you listen with any sort of attentiveness you’ve probably heard those little blurbs that come on every now and then telling you who owns the station you’re listening to. The ones that say something like, “you’re listening to CFAG FM, A Clear Channel Communications company.” They’re pretty forgettable I’ll admit but I’ve noticed a new one on some stations recently that’s a little bit different. All it says is “your radio station is a standard radio station.” Just think about that for a second. How many people are going to know what that means? I do because I follow the industry a little bit and I’ve heard of Standard Radio Group but I’m pretty sure that for the average Joe Public, that isn’t going to mean much, other than that well, it’s a standard radio station, just like the rest of them.

Now who’s going to hear that and think thank God, a standard radio station! Finally something different! That and it just sounds stupid. They might as well just redo the whole thing so it sounds something like this.

“While all those other radio stations are falling all over themselves trying to win you over with the most music, the best variety and the hottest mix, we’re just like, here and stuff, because your radio station is a standard radio station and well, we really don’t care that much.”

Considering the state that radio is in these days for the most part, I wouldn’t be bragging about being standard. Seriously, somebody should be fired for that ad and somebody else should be fired for letting it slip through.

Steve’s Checking Stats Again

I’ve got a few things that I want to write about tonight so look for more stuff from me later on this evening if my head keeps on not aching like it is right now. Before I get to writing any of that stuff down though it’s time to hit the hit counter and look at how some of you are getting here.

02 Jan, Fri, 15:10:46
Google: “
vomit comet” tickets

Tickets? We sell tickets to visit here? I didn’t know this before but now that I do, I have to ask, Matt, where’s my share of the money, ya stingy prick?

03 Jan, Sat, 11:41:48
Yahoo:
0ld fishing lures

I’m not even sure what that means, but I’m curious. Maybe the 0 is supposed to be an O which would mean old fishing lures, but why would you need to look for those? If anybody has a clue, hit up the comment board or shoot me an
email.

05 Jan, Mon, 12:55:15
Google: “
pierre mcguire” idiot

That one’s for the hockey people. Certainly a debatable point.

From the What The Fuck Department comes this entry.

07 Jan, Wed, 08:05:44
Google:
hockey vomit

Um yeah ok. For once, I’m actually lost for words.

And finally, you knew it had to happen,

07 Jan, Wed, 14:11:13
Google:
naked pictures of randy orton

You have no idea how many of those searches I’ve left out when doing these things. Thankfully Matt already served up the goods on Mr. Orton yesterday so check it out if you haven’t done so already. I can see why so many people are looking for it, it’s a beast for sure.

Back later.

The Comet Comes Through For The Fans Again!

Well… when our fans ask for something… we run out and we get it for you. Here are some things that you people have been searching for and we are proud to provide you with links to get you exactly what you want… well maybe more accurately what you need.

First you asked for Randy Orton’s penis. Hey! Who am I to judge?

You also wanted to see everyone’s favourite Maple Leaf, Matt Stajan nude. Well who doesn’t i guess.

Once again Vomit Comet gives its fans the help they need. And y’know what? We’re proud to do it.

Aww.. I’ll Do It Tomorrow…

Hey all,
Well here it is. Dec 6 and I’m finally getting around to writing something for you. First of all. Happy New Year everyone. I hope you all had a good holiday. I had a great Christmas and an even great week following that for a wide array of reasons… none of which are really any of your business.

On Saturday I went with “someone” to the CN Tower as they’d never been there before cuz they live out of town. I’ve been to this thing a bunch of times and happen to think after the first visit, it’s a gigantic waste of time AND MONEY to ever go again but being the gentleman that I am I offered to take her, and pay.

Let me elaborate on why I think its such a waste of time. IT’S A BIG FREAKIN’ POLL! You go up super high, look out the window, go “wow, that’s pretty high. hyuck!” and go back down. Don’t get me wrong. I think you gotta do it once if you’re ever in T.O. but it’s not something that you need to do again. I know people who go every time they come here… we’re talking like 5 or 6 times a year. It’s still just a big poll.

I went for the first time when I was probably around 8 or 9 or something with my Aunt and Uncle and I had a great time. It was really cool. You can see for a long way, check out the lights if you’re up there at night and there’s some other neat little displays. I loved it. I just don’t see why you would want to do it more than once. Yet, since i have so many friends from out of town, I seem to end up there at least once a year. Anyway…

The line is absolutely insane which i’m not sure if I should be surprised about. It was a Saturday afternoon but it was towards the end of the holiday season so you wouldn’t think there’d be that many tourists still around. And besides, what American consciously goes to ‘ICE COLD” Canada in the winter. I got up to the counter and there are only two of us – myself and my “date”. Now, they have an arcade and a theatre and lazer tag and shit and we weren’t in to that. We just wanted the package that got you up to the observation deck and the lookout and glass floor and stuff. So that’s the package she gave us… Without all that extra stuff IT STILL WAS CLOSE $100!!! Absolute craziness.

So you start walking through these different displays and stuff on your way over to the elevators as its all set up pretty nicely. I wasn’t paying much attention since, as I said earlier, I’ve seen them all a bunch of times but she was taking them all in so it was alright. We round this corner and some preppy woman who works there yells “SMILE!” and FLASH!!! she fries our retinas with a picture we didn’t ask for, agree to, or particularly want. I don’t enjoy having my picture taken PERIOD. So I don’t really enjoy having complete strangers take a picture of me to hang in the gift shop for me to go and BUY later. I brought a camera, thanks!

No matter how many times I go to the Tower, I always seem to enjoy the trip up… especially watching those who have never done it. You’re travelling at about 55km per hour strait upwards and you can feel it the hole time. And I love the windy days (which this was) because the tower sways. I mean you’re standing in a big giant rod pointed strait in to the air so the entire tower sways while you’re in it a bit because of the wind. So you’re going strait upwards at 55km/h and swaying and there’s always one woman who looks like she’s gonna throw up or scream or something…. and they’re my entertainment for the trip.

So, I’ve been pretty cynical up until this point about the trip but once you’re up there with someone who’s never been there before.. it usually gets a bit better as you can tell they’re enjoying it. The lines, the money, they annoying picture taking is all behind you and you can at least try to enjoy yourself. We went outside and walked around the deck… took a few pictures of the scenery, ourselves, people that we thought looked funny.. just whatever we felt like. Then we went to the next floor… or the glass floor and boy do I got something to say about that!

For those of you who have never been to the Tower they have something called the Glass Floor which is actually a really really cool idea. You walk out on to this part of the floor which is all glass and see through so you’re looking down at the ground as you walk around. It’s supposed to give the elusion of walking on air or freak people out or whatever. it’s something different for everyone. Some people will go out and lay down on their stomachs to simulate a free fall, some sit on it, some just walk around, and others sneak up behind their nervous significant others and press down on their shoulders to try and freak them out. It’s something different for all and it really is a great idea…. if you weren’t allowing retards up there.

In some people there seems to be a mentality of “I wonder what the stupidest thing I could do right here would be…”. Well that of course is to jump on the glass floor and try and break it.

Don’t get me wrong because I don’t for a second think that the CN Tower and the engineerers that designed this thing didn’t take that into consideration and design it to withstand more weight and force then this group of human beings could put on it so it’s not a nerves thing and thinking it will break. It’s an annoyance thing.

There’s nothing more irritating than walking on this thing and trying to take pictures or talk then having kids jump and stomp on it all around you. Scratch that… yes there is something more annoying and that would be the teenagers and young adults doing it. What baffles me even more is WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT TO HAPPEN? If SOMEHOW you do break it you’re going to fall like a kilometer out of the sky on to some guy’s hood and your’e not gonna feel like stomping anywhere. I mean it’s not like it will shatter and you’ll go “yup, i did it” it will be more like you die and your friends will go “yup, he’s an idiot.”

Like I said, it’s not going to break but I just don’t understand what you’d have to be thinking to try to jump as high as you can and land on it hoping to be the one true retard who finally breaks it.. cuz in the long run it’s gonna be the one laughing.

So we walked around a bit more and when we had had enough of the decay of society all crammed in to one giant silo we decided to leave. Keep in mind that they have up elevators and down elevators meaning you go down in a different one you came up in. Guess where the down elevators let you out? Yup! right in the giftshop. How convenient right? Well sort of except that it’s a bloody maze and unless you buy something you will never find the exit. To be fair… not EVERYTHING was wildly over price… just most of it. We did find a very nice CN tower stuff bear thing that wasn’t heinously over priced that you could then take to the counter, pay for and THEN the people who work there and more than happy to show you where the exit is. (it’s up the stairs around to the left of the elevators if you ever go!)

So, all in all it wasn’t bad other than those select few who would like to dive a mile and a half to their death on Front Street below. Like I said, if you’ve never been it’s worth it…. but if you’ve seen it I don’t know why you’d wanna go back. Take a ladder on your roof if you just wanna say I was up high today.

Sorry

Sorry about the lack of content around here this last little while. Still kind of getting back to normal after the holidays and trying to deal with a few things that need dealing with. I’ll hopefully be able to start posting more of the crap you all know and love real soon. Until then, well, I’m not really sure, just do something. Just be sure to stick with us, I’m sure we’ll be back to the way we were before the holidays in no time.

You People Scare Me More And More Each Day

03 Jan, Sat, 09:26:00
Google:
her mouth Permanently-open getting fucked

Who is she? Why can’t she close her mouth? Who is she getting fucked by, a dentist? I know if my mouth was permanently stuck open that’s one of the first people I’d be calling. What the hell is wrong with you people anyway? Oh well, it’s easy material for me, but even so, you’re still weird.

Rules Of Boozing

I know I should have posted this before everybody went out to ring in the new year but since I didn’t see it before then and since this is something that every self-respecting drinker should carry with them year round anyway, here they are,
the rules of boozing
provided by people who know what they’re talking about. Read them, learn them, respect them, abide by them. This may be one of the most important things you’ll ever read, other than everything here that is.