Might as well go ahead and post the election reactions from Colbert and Kimmel while I’m at this. Everyone did a fine job of being realistic and funny in the face of all this shit.
No one tells the guy who cleans the bathrooms that they must be happy about the explosive diarrhea. It gives you so much material!
Watching Jimmy choke up felt more real than anything on the actual news.
And I know I shouldn’t be surprised, but how…(How!) are there that many people who didn’t even know who was running against Trump?
Also, how did we wind up living in a world where the people who often make the most sense are comedians?
Another good election reaction video, this one from the Daily Show.
The question that really needs asking isn’t why Harris lost, it’s why Trump won.
And a related one that I’ve been thinking about. What, to a 2024 Trump voter, would have been too far? I have my political preferences and dislikes just as anyone else does, but if Justin Trudeau or Jagmeet Singh did even the tiniest fraction of what Trump has said and done in the last decade I’d have no choice but to at least consider the possibility that maybe this Poilievre guy might not be so bad. Ultimately I’d probably plunk a vote down on some independent or maybe John Turmel if I’m in the mood to screw up a record, but I would have to think about it. Point is that there should be no political identity or affiliation in any place that chooses to think of itself as a normal ass country that should excuse or endorse any of this.
It’s funny as you’d expect, but there are also a few important reminders. In particular, that history isn’t a straight line. George W. Bush won twice. Remember that? Remember how hopeless that felt? I do. But that wasn’t the end. And neither is this…probably.
As I laid in bed last night, sleep avoiding me at all cost and with the reality that my closest, loudest neighbour just lost his damn mind again sinking in, I wondered what I was going to say about it. Should I even bother? Does it matter what I think? How do I even express this profound worry and disappointment in a meaningful way? How do I, in spite of what I just said, offer up any sort of hope to someone who might really be able to use that?
In 2016, that was difficult, but it was doable. There are parts of what I said then that certainly still apply, but this one feels different. Different and worse.
Last time, you could maybe rationalize it. He lost the popular vote, but won because of a flawed system. People voted for him in spite of what he quite plainly is because he’s a celebrity or novelty or even because they thought “wouldn’t it be really funny if…?” He was a thing that happened. An awful thing to be sure, but one that would correct itself soon enough.
And it almost did. Trump was a one term president. He still had his supporters, but people saw through him now and realized that no, it really wouldn’t be funny if… after all. We could be done with this.
But it never went away. It only got louder and somehow more obnoxious and terrible. But America wouldn’t really go back there, would it? Hell yeah it would. It would and it did. And this time it wasn’t an accident. The country knew exactly what it was doing.
Donald J. Trump is the chosen president-elect of the United States in every possible way you can be, a winner in the popular vote and a winner in that marble mausoleum called the electoral college. This time, I am absolutely sure that a majority of my fellow citizens will get exactly what they want. They will get pardons for the January 6 insurrectionists and an end to any federal prosecution of the incoming president, now and forever. They will get the attacks of the free press and on political dissent that they have been slavering for. They will get the validation for their rage, and the outlet for their promised vengeance, beyond their wildest fantasies. They will get the chaos for which they voted, and which they apparently fervently desire. And there is absolutely nothing that god, man, or the Constitution can do about it, because we did it to ourselves.
We will get all these things because we have expressed our earnest desire for them all through the only true means allowed to us—our votes.
We have decided that science and learning don’t count as much as misogyny and racism. We have decided that democratic institutions making reasoned decisions on matters of national policy don’t count as much as goofy nicknames and sixth-grade invective. We have traded engaging in the work of self-government for entertaining ourselves with a freak show, and don’t it feel…gooooooooood?
There’s no blaming the Russians this time around. There’s no blaming media malpractice. There’s still some blame to attribute to voter-suppression, but majorities elect the people who suppress the votes, which means that majorities accept the fantastical bullshit that is the rationale for those laws in the first place. The American people, which is all of us, got together on Tuesday and chose everything that’s coming for close to the next decade.
There’s an expression I hear a lot these days. When someone tells you who they are, believe them. Ok, America. I believe you now. How could I not? You sent all of us in the rest of the world a pretty loud and clear signal last night. You’ve been giving off the vibe for a long time, if I’m being honest. But now there’s no mistake.
You are a nation that has such a fear of and disdain for women that when given the choice of an intelligent woman or a rapist who brags about stripping away women’s basic human rights, you proudly and patriotically stepped up and chose the rapist. When asked to choose between serious policies that might improve millions of lives or selfish, petty grudges and mean-spirited attacks, you looked at your fellow man and said “yeah, fuck that guy!” And when simultaneously confronted with a message of renewal, love and inclusion and a hate fest thrown in the world’s most famous arena by a criminal who literally tried to overthrow an incoming government, you threw your hands in the air, waved them like you just didn’t care and screamed that there ain’t no party like a Nazi party.
If none of that was the message that your vote for Trump was intended to send, I would love for you to explain what it was supposed to have been. We have eyes, ears and brains. We know that hate, bitterness, narcissism and immorality without consequence are all Trump has. We’ve known that forever. And you’ve chosen to be ok with all of it.
Now Steve, where is this hope you promised us?
It wasn’t a promise, you guys. It was a question.
But it is still there.
I think back to my bed last night. Yes, there was the sound of the people on the radio giving out results as they rolled in and of Trump making his rambling victory speech, but there were other things, too. Next to me, there was still a person I love. Outside my window, the cars were still moving. The rain was still falling. The breeze was still blowing. Those motherfuck train whistles were still blasting away even though it was two in the goddamned morning. Eventually, the election talk stopped and the radio moved on to something else for a while. All of that, as I tossed and turned and tried to process, turned out to be a much needed reminder that no matter what, life will go on. That not everything is all bad all the time even when it feels like bad things keep happening. And even though I’ve just finished saying some pretty harsh things about an entire country (all of which I stand by(, that there is still love and good and normalcy out there.
Not all of you voted for Trump or for this version of his Republican party. You did what you could to keep this from happening. You came up short, but we thank you for trying. We know that you’ll do everything in your power to make sure that you’re still allowed another crack at it in a few years. Just as those cars on my street kept moving, so too will you. You’ll pick yourselves up and find your way through, because it’s what people do. Who knows what that will look like, but it will come to look like something. Something better than this feels. Life, as they say, finds a way.
I’ll leave you with this, because I think having to do it twice makes it a tradition.
It’s always fun listening to someone who appears to be discovering in real time that he’s being a total dipshit. You can almost feel the panic, mental calculations and sense of resignation in your own self as reality sets in.
Coffee mishaps are brutal, but NOT a 911 emergency! Nor were nearly 125,000 misuse calls & 180,000 hang-ups last year. Our 911 Centre takes a call every 45 seconds. Meanwhile, a person with a real emergency may be waiting on the line and unable to get through. #911AwarenessPeelpic.twitter.com/EthsIpgr6s
I’ve listened to this three times and I laugh every time it gets to “I think I’m good.”
The Peel Regional Police’s X (Twitter) account shared a recording on Monday afternoon where the individual who called can be heard talking about his Tim Hortons Order.
“So basically I bought a Iced Capp from Tim Hortons,” said the person. The 911 operator immediately jumped in, questioning whether the call is regarding a life or death emergency.
The caller responds with “Uh…no it’s like, I bought one but then, they are not giving me a replacement.” The operator, very calmly, said that they’ll give the individual the number for the non-emergency line.
“I think I’m good,” said the individual.
I’m sure that some of you are going to vote for Trump no matter what. I can’t for the life of me understand why you would do that, but that doesn’t matter. As long as you live in a society where there exist free and fair elections, it’s your right to make that choice. But before you make that choice, I would appreciate it if you would take a few minutes to watch this.
Yes, it’s Jimmy Kimmel. Yes, I know Trump hates him because he roasts him constantly and so you might think that you’re supposed to hate him too, but try to look past that for a moment and hear what he’s saying. You don’t have to agree with all of it, but you may find some of it to be quite reasonable. I found that the sports analogy in particular makes a good bit of sense.
Anyway, if you did watch to the end, thanks for at least listening to the other side. Even if it doesn’t wind up changing your mind, it’s nice to know that some of us will still do that.
Tonight’s monologue is for Republicans. If you have someone in your life who is either planning to vote for Trump or thinking about it, please send this to them. Ask a Republican you love and respect to watch this. The whole thing. As a personal favor to you. We are a week away from the election so make sure to get out and vote on Tuesday, November 5th.
Does anyone have any idea how YouTube’s personalized notifications work? There seems to be no rhyme or reason to anything they do.
“Oh, you’ve subscribed to this channel because you enjoy its semi-regular offerings and would like to know when there are new ones? Perfect. You’ll never hear from it again. But here, have this batch of recommendations based on no subject that you’ve ever indicated you would like to see videos about. And don’t worry, we’ll almost never tell you when something that you try to watch every day is available, because that would just be silly and a waste of everyone’s time. Hey, remember that one thing you subscribed to, watched a lot of and then we stopped telling you about for months? Here’s a couple videos from there. Oh, you liked those? Hahahaha. Outa here! Hey man. We told you the notifications were personalized, we just never said to whom.”
And that’s why I’m posting the September blooper video near the end of October. That and life in general, but I’ve been wanting to get that YouTube thing out of my system for a while.
Enjoy your cinnamon toast…what he said. Or maybe put some wieners down you. Just make sure you get paid. As for me, I think I might have lunch in the Seattle school district. It sounds pretty rad.
I was figuring I would hang on to this and slip it in as a soundtrack to something when the moment was right, but you no what? Naah. The more time I spend being subjected to this United States election and to the very concept of Donald J. Trump, serious presidential candidate, the more I think we need it now.
I’m having a little trouble figuring out exactly how stupid this gentleman is. Like clearly he’s stupid, but is he stupid or is he stuuuuuuupid?
Police say a Hamilton man went to Kitchener around 11 a.m. on Thursday to “meet with a female youth for a sexual purpose.”
When he arrived at the meeting spot in Kitchener, he was allegedly confronted by several men who demanded money from him.
Police say the Hamilton man transferred money to the men and drove away.
He reported the incident to Hamilton police, who then notified Waterloo regional police.
Later that night, he was arrested and charged with child luring.
Which brings us back to the question of how stupid he is.
Did the police take his report assuming that the girl in question was one of the legal ones, but then do some investigating and figure out in the process that “hey, dude’s a pedophile, let’s get him!”? Because that would be stupid. Why are you getting the police involved? You know you’re doing something you’re not supposed to be doing, and that that something is looked upon much worse than robbery. Maybe put this one down as a learning experience, cut your losses and head it on home and lay low for a bit, because that was close!
Or did he, as my brain after decades of reading and writing about these sorts of things suspects, call them up and say “yes, police? I went on a field trip to Kitchener today. Why? Oh, just to sleep with an underage girl. You know, normal guy stuff. But anyway, while I was there, some awful, heinous criminals held me up for money! Can you even believe it? Who does that?! Please deal with them immediately! Thank you. You have a good day too. I’ll see you around”?
I shouldn’t have to tell you that that would put him solidly in column B. Or maybe I should, because well, decades and such.